Today is moving day, finally. I spent all of last night packing my stuff up. It took forever. I had originally planned on taking two days to move, but it seems I was able to get everything into my parents van and my car. I have way too much crap. The only things not currently packed up are a few books, a couple boxes, and this computer. That all gets packed in the vehicles in the morning when we leave. So, I'm moving entirely up to school tomorrow. I'm excited.

The only thing that sucks is that I'm broke. I went to the Reniassance Faire today, but I spent practically nothing. I am paying my cell phone bill a day late cause I didn't have enough in my account when I tried to pay. Tonight I have to buy a bunch of school stuff and I don't know if I can afford it. I don't get paid until Thursday. Once I get paid, I should be ok for a little bit. It's just right now I'm worried about. If I can make it to when I get my financial aid check, I will be in the clear. I think I'll be ok, but I guess I'm still worried overall. Oh well.

Well, That's about it for now. The excitement of school will come soon. I wont have internet for around two weeks while I wait for installation and stuff, but I'll still try to use school computers to post diary entries and such. OK, time for some sleep. It'll be a long day tomorrow. G'night all.

Luv,

Jessica

It's the last day of work for me today. I go back to school on Monday, and I really can't wait. This last week all I've been doing at work is daydreaming about moving in and starting school. It's sad. I never would have expected that as a kid, but I really do want to get back to it. All I see at work is back to school shoppers with their piles of school supplies. If I get anymore of those customers, I think I'm going to go crazy though.

I hung out with another old friend this week. I swear, this summer has been hang out with random old friends summer. It was a good time. We caught up and she told me that she thinks I'm such a cool person. I have the greatest friends. I'll miss the ones here when I go back up to school. The people at my job all seem so genuinely upset that I'm going back to school and leaving them. It's touching.

I took some pictures with my friends at work yesterday. One of them was with a girl I have had a crush on all summer. She's just gorgeous. She put her arms around me too. My smile in the picture is completely geniune cause of it, too. She's probably completely oblivious to my crush too. I probably wont ever know on that one. Oh well. Yeah, the pictures I took are actually good pictures of me, but I can't use them cause the people in them don't want to be on the site. I didn't expect them to, but it totally figures. I finally get a good recent picture and I can't use it.

I had a lot of steam I had wanted to blow off recently, but I always seem to forget what it was at this time of night. Maybe if I wrote these entries when I'm awake, I'd have more coherent thoughts. We'll see after school starts. Anyway, time for bed. G'night.

Luv,

Jess

Today was the funeral. It went well. It was an odd feeling for me. I wasn't emotional. Everyone else was, but not me. I wanted to be, and actually, I felt bad for not being emotional. But really, I think it's because I said goodbye to her a year ago. I had let go, so it wasn't so hard for me. It was obviously hard on everyone else, especially my mom. She'll be upset for a while now, but that's to be expected.

The wake was last night. It also was really nice. Lots and lots of people came. In fact, So many came even today for the funeral that the procession was something like 30 cars long. I'm sure we were pissing people off who had to be places. It was a good thing for me though. Again, it sounds horrible for me to say that, but it's true. There were a lot of family members there that gave me such encouragement and support. I feel so much better about myself now than I did a week ago.

I wore a skirt both days, and strangely enough, I wasn't nervous about it. In fact, I didn't even think about the fact that practically all of the people there had never seen me as a girl before until most of it was over. I got lots of compliments too. I had to smack my dad once though. He'll never understand the whole pronouns in public thing.

What happened these past two days really honored my grandma. She had so many wonderful friends and family. I can see it in their treatment of all of us. Even my pentecostal relatives were great. I've learned that they are making an effort to try to understand me and my difficulties. I got long intimate hugs from that part of the family. I will miss my grandma, but in a way I don't have to. Her family and friends are still there to remind me of what kind of person she was. I'm just so happy she's not in pain anymore.

In other news, my lease finally arrived. I have a place to live for school, which is good considering move in is only a week and a half away. They have installed an air conditioner in my apartment now too, which means I'll be comfortable no matter what now. That's great. I got paid today, which means I can afford all my supplies and rent. Oh, and my video card finally came. It's working great so far, though, it's just showing that the whole backbone of my computer needs to be replaced as well. We'll see if I go that far. I might just be that stupid. To prevent any more stupidity though, I should get some sleep. Good night everyone.

Luv,

Jessica

At 12:07 pm on Sunday, my grandma passed away. I, unfortunately had to work. My parents told me of the moments before her death. My uncle was telling a story to the family. It was a hilarious story apparently. My dad said he was in tears it was so funny. Right after my uncle finished telling that story, my grandma died. It was as if she was waiting to hear the last part of the story before leaving. She was 80.

I came home on my lunch break and my older sister informed me of the news. I asked a few questions and made my lunch. Emotionally, I felt ok. While I was eating the rest of the family came home along with my aunt and cousin. They chatted and snacked until I had to head back to work. I was still emotionally fine. However, when I got to work, after taking my first two customers, I found myself fighting back tears. It didn't take long before I had to sit down for a little bit and compose myself. After about 10 minutes, I was ok to go back to work and actually managed to stay composed for the rest of the shift. I was impressed with myself for that.

On another note, my little sister has been sick for quite some time now. It's been an off and on thing. Well, Friday, she finally learned why she always feels so crappy. She was diagnosed with an ulcer. I feel so bad for her. They've got her on the purple pill called Nexium. It'll take a while for it to heal, which means she still feels sick. I just hope the drug helps and she starts to feel better in a couple weeks.

The only good thing happening is that I finally bought a new video card for my computer to keep up with the times. It's a video suite, so I'll still be able to do video capture and editing. I love that sort of thing. Yeah, that'll be here on Wednesday. We'll see how it goes. That's about it for news with me. Too bad it's mostly bad news. I'm going to get some sleep now. G'night.

Luv,

Jessica

My mother found out tonight that my grandma is dying. She had kidney failure several years ago. Recently she had a stroke. We knew it was getting close. Now it's here. It's a strange feeling. She had her stroke while I was at school. So she really didn't see me during my transition. I knew she found out about it and knew she wasn't too keen on the idea. I visited her once after her stroke in the hospital. She told me I needed a haircut. No surprise there. Since then, I haven't visited her. My parents agreed that it probably wasn't a good idea to visit anyway. I didn't want to give my grandma any more emotional trauma than she was already experiencing. She had enough on her mind as it was. So in that time, I really grew apart from her. Now that she's about to die, I'm starting to remember her more and it a way I regret not getting to go visit her. I wonder if I'll cry tomorrow when I'm working my mindless cashier job, and my mind wanders to this topic?

On a completely different note, I wasted $185 on a new video card today. It'll be here sometime next week. I know I shouldn't have...no need to tell me. I'm sure I'll regret it later too. Too late now though. I'm sure it'll be nice, and I'll enjoy it.

My dream last night was strange and involved cats. I did fly in it though. So I don't know if that counts as a superhero dream. Leave a comment with your opinion on that. Anyway, time for bed. G'night.

Luv,

Jessica