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Life in Constant Transition

Saturday, February 12th, 2011

It’s been an interesting time since I’ve written anything of consequence in my blog. It sure seems like life keeps throwing things at me, and I have to either catch or dodge them without getting smacked in the face. I’ve been doing a little of the catching and a little dodging. But let me tell you…whomever is throwing these things has really good aim, because they keep smacking me in the face.

Here’s a quick update of what’s been going on with me over the past year. I obviously met Jessica, the most wonderful person in my life. When she’s with me, everything is right with the world. I feel whole. When she’s away, which is most of the time, it’s very difficult. I had the pleasure of spending a month last summer with her, a few days in the fall, Thanksgiving, and from Christmas all the way through almost the end of January. Unfortunately, I won’t really get to see her much until summer.

Right now she has a visiting professor position at St. Lawrence University, which is located in far upstate New York. It’s not an easy place to get to, and from where I live, it’s about 23 hours of driving. Even flying isn’t so convenient because of where the airports are. So that’s why we don’t see each other often. Her position there ends at the end of this Spring semester. After that, she’ll be moving. We have no idea where she’ll be next. Our only hope is that she’ll be closer.

I got to meet her family over Christmas, and they’re all wonderful. I spent a week in Arkansas where I felt like I was a little kid again. Her family treated me to a Christmas like I haven’t seen in probably 10 years. I got more gifts from them than I was ready for. I’m sure it’s the first visit of many to come. I couldn’t help but think of Jessica’s sister, Jodi and her family when the Superbowl was going on. Strangely…they’re big Packers fans. It was like a little piece of home while I was down there.

The trip down there was a lot of fun, but it wasn’t without its stresses. Right before heading down to visit, my kitty, Meat, had an emergency. He had a urinary blockage that ended up requiring an extended stay at the vet. He went in two days before my flight left and had to stay until after I was in Arkansas. I had to arrange for a person to pick him up and to look after him. My friend, Allison, was so wonderful. I still need to do something for her since she helped me out so much. Unfortunately, while he was recovering at home, it appeared he was blocked again. I ended up having to call and arrange for another emergency vet visit. Can you believe my landlord came and took him to the vet? She’s such a nice lady! Anyway, the good news is that he wasn’t blocked…just using the litter a lot more. It was not an easy…or cheap…experience for all parties involved.

Prior to that vet visit, Meat had other problems. Right after I moved (I’ll get to that), Meat got an eye infection. I got that treated. Then he got a bladder infection. Got that treated too. While he was in the vet, he caught an upper respiratory infection. So he was in bad shape. Since September, Meat has cost me about $600 in trips to the vet. It really blew my budget, but he’s doing fine now. He’s been on his special diet for almost two full months now, and no problems at all. I think he’ll finally be ok.

Speaking of blowing budgets…I had quite the situation with my flight to Arkansas. A few weeks prior to my flight, I had asked Chris if he would drive me to the airport on the day my flight left. He happily agreed. We had talked about my flight a week prior and a couple of days prior as well. When the Thursday before Christmas arrived, I was ready to go. I called Chris periodically throughout the morning and was confused why his phone went straight to voicemail. It came to about noon, and I started to panic. I needed to leave by 1:00 to get to the airport on time. I decided to drive out to Chris’ place to find him. When I got there, his house was dark. By this time I was hyperventilating and freaking out. I decided to call his parents to see if they knew where he was. They live in Sheboygan, WI, which is on the opposite side of the state from me. When I called, Chris answered the phone. I lost it, screamed at him and hung up.

I will admit that this wasn’t one of my best moments. I have never in my life been that mad at someone. I was so emotional, I wasn’t really thinking rational. If I had, I would have realized all the options I had before me. Some really great friends live two doors down from Chris. They would have hopped in the car right then to help me get to the airport. I also have an uncle that works for the airlines in Minneapolis that would have had options too. Instead, I thought to myself that if I didn’t leave right then, I wouldn’t make it. So I drove myself the hour and a half to the Minneapolis Airport. MSP has no long term parking. It’s 18 dollars a day to park if you use your credit card, and about twice that if you don’t. I had no choice. I got there on time and I made my flight. Unfortunately, I had no room in my budget for $126 dollars in parking. I ended up getting hit with overdraft fees that pushed the final tally into the $200 plus range. It was not good.

I eventually forgave Chris. We’re on speaking terms again, but it took me over a month before I was able to really talk to him. He never offered to pay my parking fees. He hasn’t even apologized without making excuses. I don’t really care anymore though. As much as I would appreciate the apology, I know he feels bad about what happens. We all make mistakes. I certainly have made my share.

Earlier I mentioned that I moved. I did that in September. A lot of things happened that lead up to that decision. I think the biggest one was what happened with Josh. For the sake of Josh’s privacy, I’ll just say that what happened involved the police. After that incident, things really changed in the house. It was uncomfortable, and it was by no means as much fun as it once was. My friendship with Chris was on the rocks a bit as well. Something had changed within me.

I was on this self improvement kick for a while. Think it was a great thing for me to acknowledge my faults. I know that I’m not perfect, and I’ll never be. When it comes to my relationship with Chris, I always told myself that any issue that came up was my fault. I accepted the blame willingly because I truly thought it was my fault. I felt that since I was trying to improve myself, I needed to accept that maybe I was just not being patient enough or that I was just being too picky. Things changed when my girlfriend was visiting for a number of weeks. She said to me that while I told her I was overly critical of others, she had never seen me be that way. She had seen nothing more than patience, and added that I really put up with a lot. I was a little taken aback. So I talked to a few others about it and they agreed with my girlfriend. I really couldn’t believe it.

It was as if my eyes were reopened. I suddenly realized what I had been doing, and that’s when I knew I was going to have to get my own place. From that day forward, I found my patience waning, and it got harder to be at the house. Once I found an affordable place, I packed up and now I’m living in a comfortable two bedroom duplex. Aside from the pain of the electric bill (electric baseboard heat), I really like it here. One of the really nice benefits, until recently, was that I’m significantly closer to work. My commute is under ten minutes now. I like it.

Speaking of work, things have changed there. Namely, I got promoted. My former boss moved on to a new job. I interviewed and got the lead developer position. I now am responsible for the development team and a number of other things. It’s a lot more than I expected it to be. I really enjoy the challenge, but it takes a lot out of me when it comes to energy after work. Sometimes I end up having to stay late to keep up.

Because of that, I haven’t been going to fencing as much. Fencing is still a lot of fun, but that’s changed as well too. There are some people that go to fencing that make me rather uncomfortable. There’s a growing contingent of people that are really “Christian”. I put them in quotes because they don’t embody Christ in any way. They look at me with judgemental eyes, they don’t really talk to me, and they over all just make fencing kind of a drag. One of the people has a bit of an ego problem too. Not to mention…he scares me. He seems so reserved, but then on the fencing field, he can be so overly aggressive that it’s not safe. I’ve seen him tackle people, hit people with his hilt, and literally throw himself at them. Not to mention, he doesn’t call his shots, which is really dishonorable. A lot of people don’t like fighting him because of it. He’s painted his mask with a cross on it. It makes him look like some sort of templar knight in the crusades. I want to tell him that the crusades were nothing to be proud of and that the Knights Templar weren’t good role models, but I doubt he’d listen or want to hear it. Anyway, I’m not sure how much I’ll be going to fencing because of it. I may have my own sub group of people that meet to fence instead. I’d rather learn with a group of people that make it fun and keep it safe. Otherwise, why go?

The other outside of work thing that has truly suffered is the community center. I haven’t been able to do much of anything for the center since November. I just don’t have the energy. Not to mention the center has never really been a positive stressor for me. I put a lot of my energy into the center last spring, summer, and fall. Unfortunately, I feel like nothing came out of all that energy in the end. I would love it if the Chippewa Valley had an active and vibrant community center, but I can’t give it to them anymore. I’m spent.

Due to all that energy being gone, I haven’t really been able to do much of anything when it comes to personal projects. For a time, I felt like when I was home from work, I needed to work hard at relaxing because if I didn’t relax well enough, I’d get burnt out faster. That attitude just added more stress. Eventually I just succumbed to escapism. I’ve watched a lot of TV and played a lot of video games just to not have to worry about everything else.

It seemed like every month was something new. Something happened that ended up costing me a couple hundred dollars or more. That forced me to not be able to save anything and had me freaking out about making it to the end of the month in the black. Let me tell you, I’ve gotten very frugal in the past year because of that. I’m finally in a spot where I have some money left over. Right now I’m in a place where I feel relaxed about money. While I know it’s only temporary…it sure is a nice breath of fresh air.

One thing I didn’t mention…last fall my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. The good news is that they found it very early. She was able to just get a lumpectomy, which was successful. The treatment and recovery was rather short. She’s fine, all healed, and back to normal. I’m amazed at how smoothly things went after she was diagnosed. It just goes to show the benefits of regular mammograms.

Well, that’s quite the catch up. There were a few other things that happened last year. I saw the Blue Angels and took some cool photos, took my girlfriend to Six Flags, broke a tooth, got new glasses…I could keep going, but I think I’ll save those for another time. Hopefully now that I’ve caught up, you’ll see me post more.

Until then…happy weekend!

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Posted in friends, Love, Personal Growth | No Comments »

Straight Women…

Sunday, March 28th, 2010

Holy crap, it’s been a month!  Why didn’t someone tell me?!!  It’s been a busy time, that’s for sure.  I’ve actually been enjoying it, though it’s nice to get time to de-stress once in a while.  I haven’t had much of that lately, and most likely things will remain busy for a few months.  I’m thinking after June actually.  I can’t complain though.  Things have been pretty good lately.  I’d like to eventually get on a weekly blogging schedule though.  It’d be easier in the long run.

Straight Women

Ah the title of the post…Straight women are the bane of my most recent existence.  I’ve been actively seeking out love lately, and things have been a bit rough going.  About two and a half weeks ago, I went to hang out with a friend of mine for the first time.  We went to a nearby restaurant and had this adorable waitress. For some reason, I actually had the courage to flirt with her.  I was giving her eyes and a lot of attention every time she came by.  Oddly, she seemed to be returning it.  Then, I made mention in passing about my fencing, and she got really interested and started asking questions.  I answered what I could, and then I told her it was free.  I started explaining when practices are, but explained that there were some disruptions coming up.  So I asked if I could just call her with info…which got me her number.  When she gave it to me, she said I could call her with info.  I then laid it on thick and was like…”Can I call you anyway?” to which she responded very distinctly and with a smile “Yes”.  There were plenty of clear messages going back and forth, or so it seemed to me and my friend.

I called her a few days later, and I got her voice mail.  I left a message that was cutesy saying who I was and if we’d like to talk fencing or…other stuff…as I put it.  She called back and left a message that said she was interested in both.  Again…to me clear messages going back and forth…  The next night I called her, and her boyfriend answered the phone.  I then got to talk to her, and it was a pleasant conversation.  She explained a bit about herself and I myself, and it became very clear very quickly that she had no clue that I was flirting with her at the restaurant.  She just thought I was a cool girl that was all about making new friends.  So…I just let her think that.  It was pretty disappointing for me, not going to lie.  I believe it was that night that I posted on twitter “My new motto is ‘Expect Disappointment and you’ll never be disappointed’.  As pessimistic as that may be, it surely seems true.  At least I made a new friend, right?

Enter part two… I’m on okcupid, and I have been chatting it up with this girl.  We’re connecting.  Our conversations are stimulating.  I’m really liking her and I’m thinking she likes me.  I have noticed her profile says straight, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything.  There’s a whole slew of reasons why someone might post their profile as straight while being not straight.  I assume nothing.  Well…I decided to ask just to be sure, and sure enough…she’s straight.  She’s just looking for friends.  That’s cool…again, just disappointing.  We’ve actually become fast friends and are chatting a lot.  So good has come out of it, but doesn’t change the fact that it was hard to hear that another person I’m attracted to isn’t interested.  Twice in one week.

So yeah…straight girls…

Loneliness

A lot of things have impacted my emotional state lately.  The straight girl situation is one of them.  All in all though, my desires to find someone have pushed forward, and now I’m just starting to feel incredibly lonely.  I have great friends, but I have no one I can cuddle up next to.  I’ve been dealing with some highs and lows lately because of it.  I’ll get through it, but it’s been a bit rough lately.

OkCupid

Like I said, I’m on OkCupid now, and at first my expectations were good.  I thought with it being free, there’d be a lot more people on there.  Unfortunately, the actuality has been a bit disappointing.  I’ve had some responses here and there, but what’s happened is the women I’m attracted to aren’t responding back to me, the people I don’t want to talk to are contacting me a lot, and I’ve also had the aforementioned straight girl situation.  So the reality is that it hasn’t really improved my outlook.

I have had lots of luck in the past with Yahoo Personals.  So this morning, I signed up for a month.  I will see how that goes.  There’s also the possibility of www.plentyoffish.com, which has been recommended by several people.  So we’ll see.  I usually hate that phrase though.  My mother always said that to me after a breakup.  I don’t get fishing analogies.

New Friends

The upside to okcupid and the straight girl scenario is that I’ve made a new friend or two.  I’ve also randomly come across some really cool people that have now become fast friends with  me.  What’s that old phrase…if you can’t beat em? Assimilate them? Shit…I don’t think that’s right.  Oh well.  Anyway, it’s nice to have people to hang out with though.  It feels like I’m really settling into this area, which is cool.  I hope this trend continues.  In fact, I’m considering having a grand party with all of my friends this summer.  I think it’ll be a blast.  I’ll probably announce it on here when it’s going to happen.  So watch for it.

Taxes

I did my taxes finally.  I thought that this year was going to suck as far as taxes are concerned.  After all the freelance, the unemployment, and the lack of business purchases to offset costs, I thought I’d be paying in the thousands.  I was pleasantly shocked to see that it was not the case.  I ended up fairing quite well after all the expenses I had.  The only big one was the laptop I bought for editing and web work.  It ended up making the biggest difference.  In the end, I made out with a net positive.  So, with that, one of my new years resolutions is on the brink of coming true.  I will be paying off all my furniture debt this coming week.  I’m looking forward to it.  One less bill a month.

Camera

In other good news, one of my long standing goals is about to come true.  I’m going to buy a shiny new camera.  I’ve wanted something to shoot high quality video with.  With the advent of the latest Canon cameras being able to do really nice still photos as well as full 1080p high definition video, it’s a great option for me.  I’ve been working extra at work, which is brining in some extra money.  Along with a few other financial improvements of late, I actually am in a great position to buy this camera, and perfect timing too.  I have a wedding for a family member to shoot in a month or so, and I want a secondary camera to shoot stuff at Pridefest with.   So this will serve so many uses.  I’m going to be selling my original camera, and I’ve already got a buyer.  So, it’s going to be awesome.  I’ll be sure to post stuff on here for all to see.

Speaking in Audrey’s class

I got the opportunity to speak in my favorite professor’s class again recently.  If you recall in a previous post, I didn’t think it went as well the last time I did this.  So I was a bit more nervous about this presentation.  I changed up the format again.  Audrey (the professor) always asks her students to look at my website and come up with questions to ask me prior to my visit.  I get access to those questions.  What I decided to do was actually structure the discussion around the questions asked.  It actually worked quite well.  This was perhaps the best presentation I’ve ever given.  I think the response was fantastic!  I had a lot of fun.

There were a couple of students that wrote very religious comments that I decided to just skip over.  I do not feel that I need to or should read comments that are hurtful and prejudiced, despite the perhaps good intentions they were written with.  Religious intolerance is probably the biggest issue that affects the LGBT community, and because of that, I didn’t hold back as far as that part of my story is concerned.  I talked about how I do not identify as Christian anymore.  I told the story of the pastor basically kicking me out of the church and God’s people turning their back on me.  I explained that I never felt that God hated me, made a mistake with me, or ever did anything other than love me.  Hopefully those words didn’t fall on deaf ears.

Dentist Visit

Chris and my good friend, Chris (yes, I know that’s confusing), is also our dentist.  I haven’t gone in about a year or more.  It was time.  So I made an appointment and went in.  I knew something was wrong and that I most likely had a cavity.  As it happens, I had three…maybe even four.  I had no idea.  I’ve mentioned in the past that I have a high pain tolerance.  When I was shown which teeth had problems, I was surprised.  I felt no pain or discomfort.

So this past week, I went in to get half of them taken care of.  Apparently they only do one half of the mouth at a time.  Personally, I’d rather just get them all done at once, but I wasn’t given that choice.  I doubt they had that much time open anyway.  I have to say…the dental hygienist / assistant to the dentist was quite attractive.  She’s, of course, quite straight, but attractive nonetheless.  In a few weeks I get the rest taken care of.  Then I can move on to making an appointment with my eye doctor.  Hooray!

Youth Group

The youth group has been a lot of fun so far.  I feel a lot more confident now than when I was a mentor the first time.  Maybe it’s because I’ve matured a lot since then.  I think it helps that I’m past all the transition stuff.  Anyway, I’ve really enjoyed working with the kids.  I think this group will soak up a lot of my energies in the future, which is good.  It doesn’t feel draining in the slightest.  Maybe that says a lot about what I should be devoting my time to in life.

Question of the blog

What is your most disappointing story when it comes to finding love?

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Posted in depression, friends, Goals, LGBT, Love, spirituality, Transgender | 4 Comments »

Nerf Herding

Friday, February 12th, 2010

I bought a Nerf gun.  I’m such a nerd, but I still think Nerf guns are way fun.  I’d never own a real gun, but for some reason, firing off little foam darts out of a plastic toy shaped like a storm trooper blaster is just a joy.  I think everyone loves Nerf toys.  Seriously…I think it’s a universal thing.  Anyway, I’m sure I’ve been really annoying to my roommates as I run around the house shooting them in the butt with it.  I have grandiose plans of having a nerf gun war this summer.  How cool would that be?!!

Things have been pretty decent lately.  It took me a few weeks, but I finally got better from my cold / infections.  It’s nice to be able to breathe clearly all the time.  No major worries about my car or money.  In fact, I’ve even had a lazy weekend recently.  Those are uncommon at best.

The most exciting thing that happened since my last post was my mother’s 60th Birthday.  I drove home, and thankfully, this time it wasn’t a nightmarish drive through a blizzard.  That was nice.  Anyway, my Mother didn’t know I was heading down until a day or two beforehand. So it was a nice surprise.  We all chipped in to make it a really nice birthday for her and my dad (He has a birthday a week afterwards).  We got her a Kitchenaid mixer.  She’s been wanting one for a while, and my sister got a great deal on one.  So we all chipped in.  I also gave my mom my old laptop.  We were all surprised at how excited she was to get it!  She was thrilled.  She never spends time on the computer, and now she can whenever she wants to.  I was happy to pass that on to her.

My Dad has been coveting a new monitor for his computer for quite a while.  Since we couldn’t quote afford the one he wanted so much, we gave him about 100 bucks towards the monitor of his choice.  He’s since bought a 28 inch flat panel and loves it.  We also passed on some used surround sound speakers.  So he’s all set for watching Hulu now.  He loves it.  It was a good visit home.

The following weekend was my lazy weekend.  Saturday night, Chris came home at like…11:00 and asked me to go to the bar with him and his friend, Dave.  So on a whim, I got all dolled up and went out.  We met a very cool guy named Andre.  Andre is a New York City Fashion designer and architect.  He had recently returned from Sweden after designing and building a room in the famed Ice Hotel.  He was in Eau Claire visiting some friends and had also attended a party in his honor earlier in the day that Chris had also attended.  Andre seemed to really appreciate our conversation because we apparently had interesting things to say.  At the end of the night, Andre gave both Chris and myself his card and gave us hugs.  Several people noted that they didn’t get hugs, but we did.  Apparently Andre thought we were cool.  I’ve since friended him on Facebook, and Chris has been conversing with him regularly.  It was a good time.  Otherwise, no hottie girls hitting on me or anything…what else is new.

This weekend should be interesting.  I’m going to Ruby Camp to learn how to develop websites using a technology called Ruby on Rails.  Ruby is a programming language, and Rails is a platform in which developing is made faster.  I’m anxious to dig in.  I’ve spent time with it in the past, but never enough to actually build anything exciting.

Thursday is my first 29th birthday.  hehe.  Seriously, I’m not a person that worries about turning 30.  Of course I say that now being that it’s a year away, but I really think my 30s will be great.  My parents are coming to visit to celebrate.  Otherwise, I’m not really going to do much.  Birthdays have never been a huge thing for me.  I mainly look forward to the time off.

I’m planning on taking the 22nd and 23rd off just so I can enjoy a couple days.  My friend Addison has offered to come up on the 22nd so we can get Genderverse online.  I think it’ll be nice to have a personal work day to get that project live.  Then we can actually use it as a platform.  Then the 23rd will be a sleep in day.

Speaking of projects, I’ve had lots of ideas floating around for my super hero story.  I really need to get some of these projects and ideas moving instead of just floating around in the ether.  Maybe once Genderverse is up, I can put some energy into writing.  That’d be nice.

My life schedule is picking up though.  So we’ll see.  My plan is to start going to fencing every Wednesday now.  I’m also about to start being an LGBT youth mentor again.  We have our open house on the evening of my birthday.  It should be good.  I’ll be bringing some video games to draw in the kids.  I’m looking forward to being a mentor again.

I sat down tonight with Quay, who is organizing the youth group at the community center, and we had a great talk.  She shared some stories about being in the old youth group when I was mentoring before.  She told me that a lot of people were sad when I left for Milwaukee back in ’06.  The group didn’t last long after I left I guess.  I feel a little bad about that, but at the same time, I needed the experiences I had in Milwaukee.  They really helped me grow and understand what I want better.  Still, it’s heartwarming to hear that I mattered and made a difference in those kids lives.

I mentioned in my last post that I have had something on my mind lately, and that’s still the case.  I’ve actually written out all of my thoughts already, but I haven’t posted it.  I think it needs a few revisits and rewrites before I get it out to the world, but it’ll definitely get posted soon.  It’s very personal and introspective, and I’m sure it’ll help me to get it out.

On a parting note, I’ve given thought to doing some video blogging again sometime soon.  I’ve had a lot of fun, creative ideas on how to approach it.  I don’t want to do it exactly like I was doing the experimental podcasts from a year ago, but I do want to have some fun with it.  We’ll see.  I’ll keep you posted.

That’s it for me this time. Here’s the question of the blog this time:  Do you still play with Nerf toys?  If not Nerf toys, are there any goofy, childish things that still put a smile on your face?

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Posted in family, friends, LGBT | 2 Comments »

Infectious Experience

Monday, January 11th, 2010

I can easily say that so far, this new year / decade has not started well.  Hopefully it’s not like the whole “woke up on the wrong side of the bed” scenario.  It started with me getting sick with a head cold right on New Years Day.  How wonderful…

I hate being sick.  It doesn’t happen often, but for some reason I’ve been sick twice in the past 6 months.  This one was worse than the last.   It didn’t seem that way at first, but after five days of blowing my nose raw it was pretty obvious.  Then suddenly I stopped getting better, and the awesomeness coming out of my nose turned neon yellow.  So on Saturday, I went to Urgent Care to get my sinus infection diagnosed.

While I was there, the doctor informed me that my left ear had wax buildup.  That’s the same ear that had blockage problems last year.  So, on Sunday, I decided to try the ear wax removal drops I have and see what happens.  I figured I could take care of it.  Instead, the drops got stuck in my ear.  I couldn’t get them out.  I tried just about everything from a q-tip to jumping up and down to a blow drier to sleeping on my ear to let it drain out.  Nothing worked.  So all night and all day I had a blocked left ear that was kind of annoying.

So that meant today I got to go back to the doctor.  How fun!  This time they flushed my ear and got the offending wax out.  Finally the water drained!  My god what a relief.  I was then informed that I had an ear infection to go along with my sinus infection.  That’s wonderful.  I don’t know if I’ve ever had an ear infection before.

What I found odd…my doc told me that most people complain of a big ear ache along with an ear infection like mine.  I didn’t really notice.  It was a little uncomfortable and the whole being deaf in one ear was annoying.  Otherwise, I guess I never noticed.  Makes me wonder how high my pain tolerance is.  I know I don’t get headaches often and I only keep tylenol in my cabinet because someone might need it at some point.  I must be weird…

So yeah, things are getting better.   I should be finally breathing easy again by the end of this week.  I’m sick of blowing my nose, and I’m sure my roommates and coworkers are sick of hearing it.  I’m excited though…today was the first time in a while that I’ve felt truly hungry.  So I made myself a big dinner, and it was fantastic!

Let’s see…let’s go backward.  New Years Eve was fun.  Chris and I went to our friend’s Sarah and Kit’s house.  It was a great time.  We played Pit and enjoyed everyone’s company.  There was good food and a lot of laughs.

Christmas isn’t what it once was for my family.  We didn’t do the gifts thing this year.  No one could really afford it.  So it was really just food and family.  Don’t get me wrong, that’s great.  It’s just doesn’t feel like it did when I was a kid.  Plus, we do everything on Christmas Eve now since my siblings have families.  I’m really the only one staying over at my parents’ house now.  I miss that feeling of wonder and excitement of childhood Christmases.  All things change I guess.

I did end up spending money on myself though.  I bought an electric blanket.  My parents had one on my bed when I was at home, and I just loved it.  I haven’t regretted buying it at all so far.  In fact, I’m sitting under it right now.

My family went to see Avatar, which…awesome! If you haven’t, go see it, and go see it in digital 3D.  I have already gone to see it twice.  I may see it a third time before it leaves theaters.  Such a cool film.

I can’t forget to mention this.  Right after Christmas, a great friend of both mine and Chris came to visit all the way from San Francisco, California.  Her name is Lisa.  She went to college with both Chris and I, and she’s the coolest hippie I know.  We spent the Monday night after Christmas hanging out, catching up, sharing good food, and loving every minute of it.  She is a friend I hope I stay in contact with for the rest of my life.  We have such a great connection.

Lisa, Chris, and I are such kindred spirits.  There are so few people that I can talk so deeply with about things that are so personal and sacred.  I trust them with anything.  Lisa, Chris, and I talked about something that I’ve felt for a long time.  It’s this feeling…no…longing to go home.  By home, I mean back to where our souls come from.  This world is so mundane, so harsh, so hurtful…yet we’re here…trapped in these fleshy shells with such limited perceptions of time and space.  I know a big part of me yearns to be released from my entrapment, but I know I still have things I have yet to do here.  I may not know what those things are, but…I just know.  Both Chris and Lisa share that feeling, and it’s nice to know that I’m not alone in feeling what I feel.  I think that is a wonderful thing to share.  I am so grateful to know both of them.

Let’s see…since I haven’t written since Thanksgiving really, none of my readers know of the crap I had to deal with in December.  The big one was that my car’s fuel pump finally died.  All of my plans for a new laptop went out the window.  I had to put my moneys toward a shiny new pump to make my car run again.  $700 dollars later and I got just that.  My car has been running beautifully ever since.

Out of that fiasco and disappointment, I did some thinking and really decided that I really did need a new laptop.  I finally decided to sell my iMac.  I figured it was the only way to get the laptop that I really needed.  So I went about doing that and success!  I was able to sell it.  I realized also that I had some software licenses on it that were also worth money that I could sell separately.  I ended up coming out quite well in the deal.  I got myself a shiny new fiery red Sony Vaio laptop with some nice fixins on the inside.  It’s been serving me well for a couple weeks new, and I am quite happy with it.  That was really my Christmas gift to myself.

So, that means…I can actually do some of the things I’ve been holding off on.  Unfortunately due to my getting sick for so long, I’ve had no energy to do any of it over the duration of my time with this laptop.  So, as this week progresses, I’m guessing more will get done.  I’m feeling my energy come back with each day.  I’ve been doing theming research for drupal.  So genderverse should be set within a week.   Mark my words!

I have another major post I plan on writing in the next couple days too.  I have had something on my mind that I feel I really need to share.  So stay tuned for that.  In the meantime…I’m sore from my terrible night’s sleep last night.  I’m still recovering from my infections, and I’m tired.  So…yes I know it’s only 10:30pm, but I’m going to bed.  Sweet dreams all!

Question of the blog: Do you ever feel like I feel about this world and experience?

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Posted in family, friends, sick, spirituality | 2 Comments »

Remembering

Thursday, November 26th, 2009

Marking Time

Normally I post about every two weeks.  I held off on posting this time because I wanted to mark time.  Today was Thanksgiving.  A year ago today I was given a rude awakening by someone I loved.  I also had my heart torn from me to which I’m still healing from.  It was important to me to specifically remember this day…this night.

A year ago, Jenn, my ex girlfriend, abruptly broke up with me after what I thought was a beautiful relationship.  She was honest and forthright when she broke it off, and for that I’m thankful.  It didn’t change the hurt, but it was the decent way to do it.  I’ve been thinking a lot about that night for the past year.  It truly changed me.  Suddenly I saw flaws in myself that I found myself shocked that I never saw before.  For that reason, I felt ashamed of myself.  Yes, I know we all have flaws.  It’s just…finding out that you have an ego problem and talk down to people when you hate it when other people do that…it’s like a bad dream.  I only hope that I’ve at least somewhat gotten past that ego.  I don’t want it, and I never want to be that person.

I’m glad Jenn broke up with me for that reason alone.  Now…that aside, I had something happen to me recently that made me think.  Chris and I have been watching How I Met Your Mother lately.  We watched the episode “Slap Bet”, and in it, Neil Patrick Harris’ character talks about what he calls an “O moment”.  By that he means that when you’re dating someone, and they do something that makes you go “Ohhhhh….” and think “yeah, this isn’t going to work.”  For Jenn, realizing my ego existed was her O moment.  She told me so and even referenced the episode of HIMYM during the breakup.  I hadn’t seen the episode at the time.  I found it interesting that I saw the episode about a year after she decided to break if off.

I have a problem with this concept of “O moments”.  Sure we have issues with the people we date, but there should never really be just one thing that does it in, unless it’s something serious, like murder, rape, etc.   She couldn’t a. get passed my ego at the time, b.  ever mention it to me and c. work with me on my own quest to change.  Instead she wanted to just dump me.  To me that says that she wasn’t worth my time.  If she couldn’t accept me at my worst, then she didn’t deserve me at my best.

One year later, I can definitely say I’m over her.  I’m happy that she broke up with me now.  I think it was good for me to learn my faults.  I also think in the long run, I probably wouldn’t have been happy with her.  So it’s all for the best.  I really don’t know when I will date again.  While I may be over Jenn, I still have a lot to work on as far as my own issues go.  I’m sure that will be a life long journey.  I’m in no rush, and being in a smaller city, I don’t have as many opportunities to date.  Who knows, but I’m sure I’ll write about it when it happens.

Day of Rememberance

Yup, lot of remembering in this post.  Last week Friday was the Transgender Day of Remembrance.  I spent the day lecturing at Menomonie High School and UW Stout, both in Menomonie, WI.

At 10:00 am, I was in the auditorium at the High School, and wow…I have never had attendance like that before.  There were 250 some students.  Hands down, that was the smoothest presentation I have given in a long time.  The group was really engaged and asked a lot of questions.  I thought I was going to be intimidated by such a large group, but it wasn’t an issue.  I actually got asked so many questions that I forgot to talk about the film “Transamerica”, which was requested by one of the teachers.  I felt a bit bad about that.  Considering the school has recently had some incidents with bad treatment of LGBT identified students, it sure seems like they are headed in the right direction.  I had about 20 students come up to talk to me right after wards to say thanks and such.  One of them gave me a pride bracelet that they had made for me.  I was not expecting that.  Thank you to the girl that gave me that.  It fits nicely.

UW Stout was also a good time, though the turn out was low.  I can’t say that I’m surprised considering it was a Friday afternoon.  A lot of college students are quick to head for home on Fridays.  Still, for the people that were there, it went very well.  I know some of the things I said really impacted some of the people there.  They came up and told me so afterwards.  I was even asked for my autograph!  That’s never happened before.

That night I also was hosting drop in night at the LGBT Community Center.  We had good conversation.  It was a long day, and I was exhausted by the end of it.  I want to say though, it was an honor to be able to represent the Transgender community on such an important day.  Every year we lose so many to hate and fear.  I only hope that my efforts, and the efforts of all the other trans advocates out there, we can fight that fear and hatred through education and awareness.

Car problems

I had a bit of a scare with my car during the past few weeks.  About two weeks ago, I was leaving work, and suddenly my car wouldn’t start.  I almost drained the battery trying to get it to turn over.  It was odd…and out of the blue.  I had to call Chris to come pick me up.  My car sat in the parking lot for the weekend until I could have it towed.

The mechanic wasn’t sure what it was at first because, surprise, he could start it just fine.  They thought maybe the fuel pump was going.  Upon looking, the fuel filter needed to be changed badly.  So, I got that done, and now it seems to be running fine.  I had one more incident when it wouldn’t start, but since then, no problems.  That’s good because I don’t have the 650 bucks it would cost to fix.

Swords

I know I may have said at one point that I likely wouldn’t go back to fencing, but it looks like I may.  Chris, Josh, and I watched a film called “Reclaiming the Blade”, which talks about the history of swords and their use in fighting.  Specifically it talks about groups today re-learning the historical ways of fighting with them using old manuscripts.  It was fascinating.

Josh didn’t know that there was a fencing group in the Chippewa Valley.  He had no idea that I had learned fencing of sorts in college and had attended a similar group in Milwaukee.  He was so excited because he’s always wanted to learn how to fence.  So, we, as a group, decided that we’re going to start going to the fencing group together starting in January.  It’ll be great to have people to train with and learn with at the same level.  I’m sure there will be many a photo taken, which I will post here.

New Website

Gendeverse is coming along.  It looks like I’m going to go with Drupal, mainly due to its flexibility.  I don’t know what the site will grow into and WordPress may be too limiting.  I have a logo design done, and I’m working on a site design.  I like the color scheme, and I think it’s going to be quite classy.  My goal is to launch by the new year.

As mentioned in the last post, I talked about a friend that would make a great asset to Genderverse.  If you are following Genderverse on twitter, I put him in charge of that account, and he’s been doing some amazing things.  He is none other than Adam Chernow, and he is teh awesome.  Thanks Adam for being teh awesome.  There couldn’t be a better person to manage the twitter feed for us.

Hollywood

I wish I could use that title to say something like “Yeah, Hollywood called me to talk about movie rights to my life”, but I’m not that amazing.  I wish I was, but I’m not.  Anyway, what I can say is that I have a friend that has followed my blog for years.  She happens to work out in Hollywood as a producer and editor.  She has offered to help me get my career started out there if ever I want it.

How cool is that?!!  I can easily say that it has been my dream to work out there doing films / TV etc.  I remember my mother saying so many times that I put too much of myself out there with this blog, but it has never been a negative thing for me.  It’s only opened doors.  This is one of those that I never would have expected, and it’s totally amazing.

That said, I’m not in any hurry to run out to California.  While it’s a dream, I’m not ready for it yet.  I’m actually in quite a good and comfortable place right now.  I like my job.  I like my living situation.  I like how things are shaping up with my speaking career and advocacy work.  I have plenty of time.  I’m going to ensure that my skills are in shape, and maybe in five years, I’ll move out there.  It’s nice to know I have a plan, and who knows…plans change.  We’ll see what the universe has in store for me.

Giving Thanks

Before I say good night, I want to just say a few things I’m thankful for.  I’m thankful for my family, my friends, my fans, good food, bad jokes, people who laugh at bad jokes, my job, my fellow advocates in the trans community, the interwebs, icanhascheezburger.com, my car still running, having a warm bed to sleep in, life, and love.  There are so many more things I could say, but I’ll leave it at that.  Thanks for reading everyone.

Question of the Blog

What have you experienced in your life that you needed a long time to reflect upon before moving forward?

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Posted in dreams, family, friends, Heartbreak, LGBT, Love, Personal Growth, Transgender | 3 Comments »

Remember Remember the Squirrel of November

Friday, November 6th, 2009

I start this post with some bad news.  Today I hit a squirrel while driving to work.  I know some people think they’re rodents and don’t matter, but I still was sad about it.  I tried to dodge, but as Yoda would say…there is no try.  I heard the “thump” and knew.  I saw the damage in my rear view mirror.  I had squashed a life.  Poor little fuzzy…I’m sorry.

Now that the sad part is out of the way, I have had a busy few weeks.  I’ll start as far back as I can.  A Geeky Lady shindig was three weeks ago.  It was a great time.  I got to see @tapps, @jennaddenda, and @ashedryden; three of my geekiest lady friends.  We spent the evening behind the glow of laptop screens.  It was really great to catch up with them.  I need to visit more often.

While I was home, I also got to meet Fezzik, my little sister’s new boxer puppy.  He’s a ball of energy and a lot of fun.  I had fun playing with him while catching up with my sister.  Things seem to be going well for her and her husband.  I envy them in a lot of ways.  Anyway, I asked Fezzik if there were many rocks ahead.  He just kind of looked at me funny.  I certainly hope my sister trains him to respond to that line.  Haha.

I also got to see Elden again.  He’s getting bigger!  No surprise.  He’s a baby.  They grow fast.  I got some cute photos of him and my niece, Kalina.  In fact, that Sunday, we had an unplanned family gathering for dinner.  It’s rare we all get together for a meal, and I’m glad I was there for that.

That following Tuesday was my forum at UW Eau Claire.  It went exceedingly well.  The room was moved because we needed a more open venue.  We had a full house, standing room only!  I was blown away.  Even though I’ve been speaking for years on gender issues, I still never feel prepared enough.  That feeling is only increased because I do it so infrequently these days.  Still, about half way into this presentation, I felt my rust shaking off.  Suddenly that groove came back, and I felt confident and comfortable.

I am excited about that.  I just know that my next few presentations are going to be even more stellar.  I’ve got two events coming up on November 20th, the Transgender Day of Remembrance.  I’m going to be very prepared for them and I’m sure they are going to be amazing experiences.  I’m really looking forward to it.  If you’re going to be in the area of UW Stout, stop on by at 2:30 in the afternoon.

I’ve been very motivated lately and have had some great ideas for Genderverse.  Despite my comfort returning in my speeches, I want to stay on top of the latest information.  So I’ve decided to pledge a day a week next year to research and writing time.  I’m going to read an article, book, or something related to gender a week, and I will comment on it through Genderverse.  I think that’s a great idea to learn and to help others learn through it.

My idea for Genderverse is to turn it into almost an online magazine with regular columns and articles.  I want it to be the place to go to for gender related news and commentary.  I’ve already got one person that’s interested in writing.  I’ve got another person I want to ask.  He tweets a lot of articles and cares a lot about the trans community.  I think he’d be a great person to write and give a straight ally / male perspective.   Now I just need a design for the site.  If you have any thoughts, share them in the comments.

So that’s my excitement of late.  I also have to share a bit of sad news.  I visited gpac.org the other day.  GenderPAC was an organization I worked with when I was in college.  It was run by Riki Wilchins, who has been an inspiration and teacher to me through these years.  GenderPAC was great in that they worked towards ending gender discrimination, had a big focus on youth, and were really the first of their kind when it came to their approach to gender.  Upon visiting the site, I discovered they no longer exist.  There’s a letter explaining their history and why they decided to close their doors.  They ended on a proud note.  I hope I can use their inspiration as a launching point for Genderverse.  Thank you, Riki, and the folks of GenderPAC, for all that you have done and that you continue to do even though the organization is no longer.

Two weeks ago was Twin Cities Code Camp.  What is a Code Camp you ask?  Well, it’s a free conference about programming for programmers by programmers.  This was my first one, and I had a good time.  I finally got to start playing with Ruby on Rails, which is really cool.  I also got to meet some awesome people and came home with a free license to Office 2007 (which still hasn’t arrived yet).

One of the issues that came up at the camp was the lack of women in the field.  I was one of maybe 15 women there.  In fact, in one of the breakout sessions, one of the women was openly hit on by a guy…during the presentation.  There are many reasons that women aren’t attracted to the field, and the ever present misogyny is one of them.  I think a lot of it also has to do with the geek taboo.  I think in a lot of ways there’s a bit of a cycle that keeps women out.  The social expectation for developers is that you are a nerdy, socially awkward guy.  Because of that expectation,  a lot of people, including women, avoid the field.  There’s also a bit of the “good ol’ boys” attitude there.  Misogyny has been present in video games for a long time for the same reasons.  I also think a lot of people are pushed out of the field because of the way that programming is taught.  I almost didn’t even have a CS minor because of that very reason, and yet, here I am a developer now.  I’m mostly self taught and from what I’m told, I’m pretty good at it.  Yet, I dropped out of the computer engineering program in my first year.  Something’s wrong there.

Anyway, those are some of my thoughts about the scenario.  I think I will dedicate an entry on genderverse to that topic.  To sum up, I had fun at the code camp and had a lot of energizing conversations about computer science.  Yes, again, I know I am a nerd.  Stop sending me emails telling me that.  I know already.  Thanks.

Halloween was fun.  Chris and I handed out candy to the kids.  We didn’t get as many as we thought we would, but it was still a good time.  That evening, we dressed up and went to Scooters, the gay bar in town, and had a good time.  Chris put the most effort into his costume.  He sewed together two suits, did up some crazy face makeup, and went as two-face.  He got a lot of compliments.  I went with an old standard.  I was “Generic Sith Lord #2″, which is the same outfit I wore at my brother in-law’s 30th birthday party a year or two ago.  We had fun.

Money has been tight tight tight lately.  I had a difficult October, and I blame the fact that my student loans came due.  I may have to put them off another six months until I get some of my other debt paid off.  It shocks me that even though I’m making better money than I was in Milwaukee, and my costs of living are lower, I’m still only scraping by.  I guess I can’t complain though.  I have a job and I have food.  I guess it’s a good thing I’m not dating.  I couldn’t afford it if I was.  I do certainly hope that there will be a time soon that I don’t feel poor.

Question of the blog:  What are your suggestions for Genderverse?  What was the best costume you saw this Halloween?

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Posted in family, friends, Goals, LGBT, Money, Transgender | 2 Comments »

High School Memories

Sunday, August 30th, 2009

I’ve had a crazy busy few weeks with a lot of things going on.  I’m assuming that this post will be another 1000 plus word post.  You’d be disappointed if that wasn’t the case, right?

Wedding

We’ll start by jumping back a few weeks.  I went to my former coworker’s wedding a couple weeks ago.  It was in the Milwaukee area, and I knew there would be some discomfort involved.  I knew I’d see my former boss.  I was right too.  It was a bit awkward, but I made it through ok.  I don’t know if I mentioned, but the entirety of the old department was shut down.  So I’m literally the only person in the old department with a job now.  Amazing how things change.

Anyway, the wedding was lovely, and it went smooth as silk.  It was hot as hell outside, and I was thankful everything was indoors.  I’m really proud of Ben and Sarah.  They really are two geeks in a pod.  I managed to successfully avoid dancing, as well as avoid my former boss most of the night.  The big plus was that I made some new friends.  I was put at the Sci Fi geek table, and that ended up being a great experience.  I connected really well with the group at the table.  In fact, we connected so well that I was invited to hang with them afterwards.  I ended up heading to their hotel where we chatted until around 11:30 in the evening.  If any of you are reading this, it was awesome hanging and getting to know you!

The rest of the weekend disappeared quickly.  My parents wanted me to go get some shoes and a car battery, which was not really on my priority list, but whatever.  It’s always fun to shop with my mother.  The drive back to Chippewa was a smooth one.  It was cooler, so the lack of A/C in my car wasn’t a huge suck fest.  It was a good weekend overall.

Breakfast Chats

One of the best experiences I have every time I visit my parents are the morning chats at the breakfast table.  After we eat, it’s usually coffee and conversation.  This particular day my parents brought up the health care debate, and I was witness to them being profoundly impacted by the fear mongering that Fox News has perpetuated.  My dad was all up in arms about death panels, and both my parents were all like “It’s written in the bill”.  I had to explain what the actual truth was about the situation, that there were no death panels written, and that there was no solid bill yet.  Nothing had been decided.  It was a lively conversation to be sure.  The scary thing was listening to my father call Obama a Nazi.  I don’t think he understands where that comes from.  As Jon Stewart has put it, I don’t think Nazi’s were ever known for their health care reform plans.  This calling this President a nazi is about as ridiculous as they come.  Anyway, I just thought that was interesting.  It just really surprises me that my parents are so prone to what they’ve been told by the media vs what’s actually true.  Does anyone do their research about the issues anymore?

High School Reunion

Last weekend was my 10 year high school reunion, and it was an interesting experience.  I had no intention of missing the reunion.  Chris was willing to be my date for the event.  So we headed down on Friday.  It took place on Saturday, the 22nd of August at Nagawaukee Park in Delafield.  We got there about 1:00 in the afternoon.

It wasn’t what people usually picture for reunions.  It took place outside at a park pavilion instead of a bar.  We had a pig roast, which was quite delicious.  There weren’t a ton of people there.  My graduating class had about 240 people in it.  About 40 people came to the reunion.  That included spouses and dates.  So turnout was low, but from what I hear, that’s average for a reunion.

Arriving was the awkward part…everyone wondering who I was at first.  The organizers knew, and they gave me a big hug.  I think no one really knew what to say to me.  I didn’t really know what to say back.  So there was a lot of avoiding going on at first, but once everyone realized I don’t bite, there were no problems.

It was actually quite a bit of fun.  I reconnected with a lot of people, and most of them were the people I didn’t expect to connect with.  There were competition things going on, none of which applied to me.  They were things like longest marriage, most kids, most recent kid, shortest and longest distance travelled, etc.  I would have put my name down for distance, but before I got there, I was already beaten.  As a joke, I decided to put my name down for “Looks most like high school photo”.  :)

Everyone seemed to think that Chris went to high school with them.  He apparently looked very familiar.  He also said that some of the people looked familiar too.  Not sure why that was, but whatever.  I ended up taking photos at the suggestion of one of my classmates.  They turned out nice too.

The awards were given out later in the evening after dinner.  The prizes were really funny.  The person with the most kids got a box of condoms.  The person that traveled the most got a travel kit, and the person that traveled the shortest also got a travel kit with the stipulation that they had to get out of town.  Ha!  Then came the award for looks most like the photo from high school.  The organizers said that they should have taken a vote, but decided to go the other way.  I won!  Everyone cheered.  It was great.

I guess that moment says a lot about how well I was received by my former classmates.  What a great time.  I’m so glad I went.  Makes me a little nostalgic and a little sad though.  I feel like this was the first time they ever got to really meet me despite all that time in grade school.  I had a blast hanging with them, and it makes me wonder what things would have been like had I been my true self in high school.  Would I have made more friends, been more a part of the “popular crowd”? Maybe it’s not worth dwelling on the coulda, woulda, shouldas.  Regardless, I’ll never forget my high school reunion.  Thanks to everyone for making it wonderful.

Love and Loneliness

Chris has found a relationship.  It’s not with the guy I wrote about in past posts either.  It was a random date that turned into something wonderful.  It’s with an old flame, and I’m really happy for him.

No surprise, it makes me think about my love life…or my lack of one.  It’s almost September, which means in a couple more months, I’ll have been single for a year.  I know that deep down, I’m craving for another relationship, but my rational brain is telling me otherwise.

If you didn’t notice in my last post, I’ve got a lot of crap I’m working on right now.  I feel like in a lot of ways, I am really not ready for anything in the love area.  Heck, I don’t even go out with friends that often, let alone with a love interest.  It’s taking a lot of energy to work on these issues, and that’s energy I don’t know if I can continue putting into it if I was also dating someone.

That being said…damn it’s hard to watch Chris be so happy and go off with his new boy.  I’m suffering from empty nest tonight, and while it’s nice to have the house to myself, I actually feel more alone tonight than I have in a while.  It would be nice to have someone to be close to myself.  I’m on Yahoo Personals, but unfortunately all the responses I’ve been getting are from people that live at a minimum of 2 hours away.  Maybe it’s worth the drive…

This loneliness combined with my focus at my job has had me listening to a lot of music lately.  I’ve had a song stuck in my head.  It was written by James Newton Howard, a favorite of mine, for the film “Lady in the Water” and is entiteled “The Great Eatlon”.  It’s a beautiful piece that gives me chills when I listen to it.  Then towards the end, the tone changes, and I get tears.  It’s beautiful.  I’ve been playing it a lot…so much that it’s stuck in my head.  If you get a chance, listen to it.

Speaking of Books

Tomorrow I have plans to have my good friend Audrey over for dinner.  I’ve been terrible on following up on the plans because this week just disappeared.  So hopefully those plans are still on.  We were going to discuss plans to have me lecture to her class as well as my book outline.  I’ve asked her for assistance in writing the book.  I think it’s the right time.  She’s agreed to help out as much as she can.  Here’s hoping it moves forward successfully.

Oh, I have to mention that in my previous post, I said that I’m presenting a forum on October 22nd.  That’s actually incorrect.  It’s going to be on October 20th, which is a Tuesday. If you’re in the Chippewa Valley, you should come.

Questions of the blog:  What was your high school reunion like OR do you look forward to your reunion?

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Posted in family, friends, Love, Personal Growth | 4 Comments »

Humble Pie

Monday, August 10th, 2009

Almost 9 months ago now, my ex girlfriend broke up with me and served me a nice, cold dish of humble pie.  I hadn’t been blogging much prior to that for at least a year, and what she told me really prompted me to start again.  She told me I had ego issues.  She was right.  Since then, I’ve been doing what I can to work on that.  I’m proud to say things have gotten better, but we’re always a work in progress, right?  This weekend, I finally admitted to myself that I have a few other issues.  I’m selfish and I always have to be right about everything.

I’m a perfectionist, and while some may value that, I’m starting not to.  That perfectionism plays into the whole “have to be right all the time” issue.  I have this inner need that comes out in a debate that I have to show the other person that my logic is right.  The worst is that it comes into play in the stupidest of arguments.  Chris and I will have debates over silly things like how to refer to this coming weekend versus next weekend.  It’s stuff not worth being pushy about or even wasting the time to debate it.  Yet, something inside me pushes on.  I think this need to be right plays into the ego / talk down to people issue that Jenn broke up with me over.  Maybe my ego isn’t as big as she thought…I just have to be right.

As far as my being selfish goes…it’s something I’ve been aware of for a long time, but I’ve been in denial of.  It came to a point this weekend when Chris asked me if I was ok with us watching a friend’s daughter for a few hours.  I said ok at first, but as time passed, I realized that my Saturday was now no longer mine.  I had wanted no responsibility this weekend and now I had to be there with this kid.  To top it off, I’m not much for babysitting to begin with.  I find myself awkward around children.  I’m just not used to them.  I was awkward around cats before I adopted Meat.  Anyway, so what it comes down to is I got upset with Chris because he ruined my weekend by offering to help someone else.  How dare he? right? As we were fighting, at one point I slapped my hand on my forehead wondering what my problem was.  I didn’t even know exactly why I was upset.  By the time we finished with the argument, I realized I was more mad at myself than I was at Chris.  I couldn’t believe I was being so selfish.  I was so ashamed.  I got in my car and drove while I started to cry a bit.  I realized I am what I never wanted to be…selfish, egotistical, and a bitch.

After I had that realization during the random driving, I gave Chris a call and apologized.  We talked a little and he was understanding as well as forgiving.  I’m so very lucky to have such a great friend.  I’ve been using some of my alone time this weekend to really think about things.  I interviewed my little sister years ago for the documentary I had intentions of making then.  She said that I was selfish and egotistical then.  I didn’t believe her.  I saw her as the selfish one.  Now I’m realizing that she was right.  I feel I owe her an apology, but at the same time, I’m not sure I’m ready to.  I’ve only just allowed myself to become aware of the issue.  Maybe I should spend some time working on the issues first.  Then agian, maybe now is the best time.  I don’t know.

So, a bit of personal growth for me this weekend.  These realizations told me a lot.  It tells me I’m unhappy with myself.  I see a pretty face in the mirror, but I know the person underneath isn’t who I want to be.  The good news is that with time, patience, and work, I know I can better myself.  The first step is admitting you have a problem.  So wish me luck in solving it.  Chris said to me that it’s unfortunate because now’s when I should be happy.  I just got settled in at a new location with a brand new, fantastic job.  Self struggle can happen at even the best of times, I guess.

Anyway, enough of this depressing talk, let’s talk about what else is going on.  Tonight I visited the LGBT Community Center of the Chippewa Valley.  They had a board meeting tonight, and in a month or two, they’ll be voting for new board members.  I’m going to run for membership of the board.  I really want to get actively involved in the community again, and this just seems like the right path for that.  It’s a great resource, and I think I can make a difference there.  I have skills that, from what it sounds, the center could really use right now.  They were happy to see me.  I know some of the members of the board from college.  So, it’s nice to be among friends.

On the front of giving back to the community, I was also asked to present a forum at UW Eau Claire on October 22nd.  It’ll probably run 2 hours or so.  It’ll be about trans issues, of course.  Specifically, they want me to relate the subject matter to my experiences at the University.  So it should be fun.  If you’re going to be in the area, and you’ve never heard me speak, come.  It’ll be a fun time.  It may not be the most exciting thing to do on a Tuesday night, but it’ll still be fun.

To add to all of that, my good friend at the University, Professor Fessler, has already asked me if I’d like to lecture her Monday night class at some point this fall.  Sounds like I’ll be a regular fixture in the syllabus.  That’s always exciting.  I miss speaking in her classes.  She always has such an interesting and energetic group of students.  I don’t think I’ve ever had a disappointing group.  I look forward to it.

There was a recent book published here in the Eau Claire area.  It was written by two parents with two gay children, and apparently it’s a wonderful read.  The two authors have been doing a lot of book signings and are planning on doing a few forums too.  So it’s exciting to have them here in this area and benefiting the world.  They’ve had me thinking about the book I’ve wanted to write for years.  I’m strongly considering talking to my Professor friend, and several others, about helping me get my book underway.  I have my outline, it’s just got to move on from there.  I’ll bring it up next time I talk to her.

Let’s see…what else is new.  Last weekend I helped my friend Adam move across town…in Madison, which is three hours away.  I also helped my friend Leia move as well.  It was a tiring weekend.  Then this weekend, Chris and I decided to move a bunch of stuff around in our house.  The guest room is now a guest room / den.  Since I’m not doing freelance anymore, there’s no need for a dedicated office.  So we’ve moved the futon up and moved my iMac as well.  Now we can relax and watch netflix or Hulu from a comfy futon.  We also have an old school analog TV with a VCR (remember those?) and a super Nintendo.  We’re considering putting a Dreamcast there too.  So, it’s exciting.  In fact, I’m in the Den right now typing this blog entry.

I got my new Android phone that was burning a hole in my pocket.  That has been a lot of fun.  So far, it hasn’t disappointed at all.  I’m loving it.  I’m glad I didn’t switch providers just for the iPhone.  I’m actually considering being even more nerdy and developing an app or two for the phone.  I think it’d be hilarious to have a rotary phone dialer on there.  Plus, my friend Tracy’s last name is Apps.  I think it’d be so much fun to develop two apps called “Tracy”.  That way there would be the “Tracy” Apps.  Seriously though, I do want to develop something for the phone.  I just need a solid idea, other than the rotary dialer.  What do you think I should develop?

Chris and I held “bad movie night” just over a week ago.  We watched Street Fighter: the Legend of Chun Li and Dragonball: Evolution.  I’ve seen Dragonball before, and I have to say, it has really grown on me.  It’s not nearly as bad as I remember it.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a great movie by any means, but it’s got a coherent story, captures the spirit of the anime, and is actually pretty fun to watch.  Street Fighter, however, was complete garbage.  There was no real redeeming factor to the film at all.  The plot is laughably bad and has no real solid footing at all.  The acting is gag-able.  The effects are cheezy, fighting is bad, and really…there’s no reason to see the film unless you want to make fun of it.  If you truly want to watch a terrible film, see it.  It’s that bad.  We had a blast watching it.

The job is still going exceedingly well.  I love it so far.  I’m starting to feel like I fit in, and it’s not quite feeling like I’m just filling in for someone for a few weeks.  This move was certainly a great thing.  Now that I have a job and am feeling a bit of security, I was able to fix my car too.  So, while the air conditioning is still broken, at least the tie rod is not going to fail on me while driving.

There’s a lot happening in this post, but the question of the post is easy:  What was your experience getting a slice of humble pie?

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Posted in friends, LGBT, Movie Review, Personal Growth, Random, work | 2 Comments »

Falling into place

Wednesday, July 8th, 2009

Things are starting to fall into place for me.  This move has certainly proven to be a very good decision despite seeming kind of risky at the time.  I’m happier.  I’m more comfortable.  I don’t worry as much, and life just feels a bit easier.  With the prospect of this job, things are looking to be nice indeed.

The new job is going well.  I should say job prospect.  I’m going through a week of trial work before I get offered anything.  So I’m not officially hired yet.  I’m enjoying the work that I’m doing.  I’m finding it simultaneously fun and challenging.  So far, each day has forced me to really use my logical reasoning.  I’m starting to get used to the people there, but I think that’ll take a bit yet.  So far, everyone seems nice though.  I’m keeping my hopes high.

On the same topic, I finally finished all the freebie freelance I had on my plate.  Only I can be unemployed and overwork myself.  I’ve decided that really with the prospect of working full time again, I’m not really going to seek out any more work on the side.  I want my free time to be just that…free.  If I get bored, I will consider doing some fun projects here and there.  Lord knows I have ideas.  I’d much rather have fun doing videos for my own fulfillment than someone else’s anyway.

Let’s see…the 4th of July was this past weekend.  Chris and I drove down to Milwaukee to see the fireworks.  Those actually take place on the 3rd instead of the 4th so that local communities can have their celebrations on the 4th.  The July 3rd fireworks are a family tradition.  I think my family has gone to see them every year since I was alive.  The only time we missed them was a couple of years ago when it was raining out.

Anyway, I have to say, I’m starting to get a little burnt out on the fireworks show.  It was an hour long, which as Chris put it, was a half hour of overkill.  There came a point several times in the show where I found myself totally daydreaming.  I came out of the daydream and was thinking…shit…are these still going off?!!  We did get distracted by an inner city guy that decided to just stand right in front of the group of us watching the show.  He started scratching his butt, dumped out a beer, was spitting on the ground right by me…it was pretty gross.  Then he and his friends decided to start talking about their sex lives and how they “upgraded”.  They were using a lot of graphic terminology all while not more than six feet away is a 4 year old boy with his family.  Eventually, Sylvia got sick of staring through the guy that she got up and said something to the group of them.  They started being a little more courteous after that.  Sylvia has no fear.  That’s for sure.

I suppose none of you know who Sylvia is.  Sylvia is a good friend of Chris’ from college before he went to UWEC with me.  She got married about 5 years ago and moved to Australia with her husband.  She recently moved back to the U.S. and her husband is coming too in the next couple months.  This was the first time I had seen her in about….6 years.  What’s more…she may end up in the Twin Cities, which is near enough to hang out frequently.  So we’ll see.  Regardless, it was great to see her.

This coming weekend should be interesting.  The Northern Wisconsin State Fair is happening here in Chippewa Falls.  Both my parents and Chris’ parents are coming up to go to it.  Chris’ parents will be staying with us.  My parents are staying in a hotel since my mother is allergic to the cats.  Our parents have only met once, I believe…maybe twice.  So, it’ll be a strange weekend.

Chris bought a bike this week.  I helped him pick it out over the past week.  He got a nice one, a Trek 4300.  Now I find myself wanting a new bike too.  I have a pretty decent one myself.  It’s a Trek 820 Aluminum.  It’s also close to 10 years old.  It’s been all over the state and served me very well when I was in college.  I may trade it in to get a nice new 4400 or something.  We’ll see.

So Chris and I have been going on bike rides now.  Yesterday we were biking around the area of our house and found a park.  We stopped and made use of the teeter totter.  I went down the old school metal slide, and we also swung on the swings too.  It was just like we were 8 years old again.  We had a lot of fun!  I now remember why those parks were so much fun as a kid.

A day later…I was coming home from an electrolysis appointment, and Chris gives me a call.  He was apparently out on a bike ride with a friend and wiped out really badly.  The bike was slightly damaged and he was pretty scraped up.  Figures…brand new 450 dollar bike gets damaged not two days since purchase.  Chris is going to be just fine.  No broken bones or anything.  His leg will have a nasty bruise though.

This morning was a painful experience.  The unemployment hearing took place and let me tell you, I am so glad I don’t participate in legal proceedings very often.  I was nervous.  I am not a lawyer, and of course, my former employer had a lawyer.  These things are so skewed because it’s obvious the unemployed party is not going to have the money to hire legal counsel.  Regardless, I made my case, and I will get the results in a week.

It has come to my attention recently that I have quite a few regular readers.  I don’t keep track with any sort of software of how many people visit this blog or view the rss feed.  On top of that the entries are syndicated into facebook on both my personal page and my fan page.  So it has the potential to be seen by quite a few people.

I talked to a couple friends of mine recently, Dan and @jennaddenda (Jenn Turner of Bucketworks), and both of them made mention of reading my blog.  It just took me by surprise.  I asked Dan why he reads, and he told me that he finds my life fascinating since it’s so different from his.  I took a look at my statistics from my web host, media temple, and found that I’ve been getting roughly 1200 pageviews  a week, and that’s just the main blog landing page.  That makes me feel like writing this blog has been worth it.   I’d just like to say thanks to all of you that read my musings on life.  If you’d be willing to share, I’d love to hear what brings you to my blog and why you keep revisiting it.  Is it my writing?  is my life just that fascinating?  is it just a nice time waster?  do you like to laugh at my nerdiness?  is it because I write regularly?  I’m just curious and would love to hear what y’all have to say.

I’m off for now.  Have a lovely night!

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Posted in Employment, family, Freelance, friends, unemployment | 1 Comment »

Mood swings

Thursday, June 11th, 2009

I’m sitting currently in a coffee shop in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin taking some time to sit, think, and contemplate where things are going next in my life.  With the unemployment up in the air, and really an uncertainty as to what I’m going to do in the coming months, I’ve found myself at a crossroads.  There’s a lot of possibilities and I really have to address those head on.

First I want to address the title of this post.  I’ve had major up days and major down days lately.  Since getting the hearing notice, it’s been more down days, and more extreme lows for me than up days.  Yesterday was probably the worst of the down days.  I think the lack of sleep combined with the stress I’ve been feeling lately has just exacerbated the whole situation.

It’s a little scary to be honest.  I can easily say that I’ve not felt this depressed since prior to transition.  I could feel the weight of depression on my body.  I felt numb the whole day aside from when I first got on the road to drive to Milwaukee.  That’s when my unhappiness burst out of me.  I was crying so hard…like I haven’t cried in a long while.  I found myself speaking the words “This isn’t my life” and “why is this happening” almost as if it was unvoluntary.

I think the thing that scared me the most was that I was thinking about things that were not pleasant.  I wasn’t thinking about actually committing suicide, but I pondered if things would get that bad that I would think about it.  Even that scared me.  I don’t want to be even be pondering even the possibility.

The good news in all of this is that I know how to cope with these feelings.  For all of you that are concerned about me, please know that I WILL push through this.  I appreciate all of the support you all have given so far.  I have to give a special shout out to Adam and Chris.  Both of them are always there to listen.  They are true heroes in my book.  Thanks guys!

It’s time to switch to positive topics.  I had a video shoot yesterday that, despite my mood, went swimmingly.  I was worried the quality would be sacrificed because of my mindset, but thankfully, the shoot kept me distracted.  I had a good time.  I love shooting.  I also had an edit to finish, and I was able to do that as well.  I got kudos from the producer involved as being able to really turn the lemon video that was shot by someone else into lemonade.  She really liked it.

I ran into an old friend on Tuesday.  I was on my alma mater campus at UW Eau Claire, and while I was walking around…Dale Larson appeared.  I will admit that in the past, Dale has been the butt of jokes.  On top of that, even in my blog in the past, I’ve voiced some mean opinions about him.  I have to say…all of those things have been mean and immature.  Dale, I truly apologize.

Anyway, running into Dale was a wonderful experience.  We chatted about life post college and our frustrations in the corporate world.  We have a lot in common with our working experiences.   He’s had experiences that have totally put him off to the corporate world.  Plus, he’s very passionate about LGBT issues and really wants to do work that deals directly with the LGBT community.  Neither of us really knows how to make that a career.

Dale is back in school since he had no luck with a Bachelors.  When I told him about my desires and my interest in possibly returning to school myself, he actually made a really interesting suggestion.  He suggested I consider UW Stout as a school since they are trying to be more of a polytechnical school that’s a four year college.  They’re very near to Chippewa where I live, and they have a lot of cool programs.  When he said that, I was like…wow…that’s true.  I really should consider that.

I took a look at their program list and found one that’s all about computer game programming and design.  It’d be another four years in school with more debt and what not, but it would open doors that were closed before.  All things considered, it could actually be very beneficial for me.  I could commute and possibly find a part time job that’s decent instead of a full time job.  Or I could work on my own business.  I’d love to hear your thoughts on that idea.

Speaking of the business, I have set up an appointment with the University’s small business development center to discuss the business prospects I may have.  I figure there are plenty of opportunities to turn my talents into a career that makes money.  I just don’t know how.  This is a free service, and it’ll be great to actually get some professional help with this whole business thing since I have so little experience with it myself.

I think one of the things that triggered me going to that office is the unemployment class I had to go to Tuesday morning.  I got singled out by the state as someone that might need the class.  So as a requirement, I had to go.  Really though, it was a waste of time.  The only information I got out of it that I didn’t already know was a list of job websites in the area.  Unfortunately I had to go to the class or lose my unemployment benefits…which of course I still may lose.  At least the whole thing got me to set up an appointment though.

Speaking of unemployment (I seem to have the segways down today), I’ve had little confidence lately on whether I’d win the hearing or not.  Yesterday I was certain I’d lose.  Today, after talking to my father and showing him the hearing documents, he feels I have a pretty good chance of winning.  So today my spirits are up.

Chris thinks that having all this time before the hearing is a good thing.  It allows me to fully think through what I might do afterwards in either result.  I know the worst case, and I know the best case.  I think that by the time the hearing happens, I’ll know what I’m going to do regardless of the outcome.  I think by then, I’ll be resolved and confident.

In the worst case scenario, I’ll have to file bankruptcy.  A part of me craves the relief that would bring.  I’d likely lose my cell phone and most of my electronic trinkets, but I think there’s a bit of a comfort in a clean slate.  Sure, it’s on my credit report for 10 years, but I won’t owe anyone anything.  I can go into my future with a healthier financial approach.  Of course, in the best case, I can live until I get my next job safely and will be able to get by just fine too.  In the end, it will work out just fine.  Things always do.

Tonight, I have been invited to dinner with my good friend Mike and his girlfriend.  It’ll be good to see him again and to talk about life and so forth.  There are quite a few people I miss in Milwaukee, and he is one of them.  I’ll get to see a few of those people this weekend at Pridefest.  I’ve already got the camera and am excited to get going.  I think I’m going to buy some shoes tonight so my feet don’t hurt like hell by Monday.  I’ll be taking some photos and will do my best to post a few of them next week.

Well, I’ve finished my dark chocolate Mocha, and now I’m just loitering in this coffee shop.  I better sign off for now.  Catch ya’ll soon.

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Posted in depression, friends, unemployment | 3 Comments »

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