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Straight Women…

Sunday, March 28th, 2010

Holy crap, it’s been a month!  Why didn’t someone tell me?!!  It’s been a busy time, that’s for sure.  I’ve actually been enjoying it, though it’s nice to get time to de-stress once in a while.  I haven’t had much of that lately, and most likely things will remain busy for a few months.  I’m thinking after June actually.  I can’t complain though.  Things have been pretty good lately.  I’d like to eventually get on a weekly blogging schedule though.  It’d be easier in the long run.

Straight Women

Ah the title of the post…Straight women are the bane of my most recent existence.  I’ve been actively seeking out love lately, and things have been a bit rough going.  About two and a half weeks ago, I went to hang out with a friend of mine for the first time.  We went to a nearby restaurant and had this adorable waitress. For some reason, I actually had the courage to flirt with her.  I was giving her eyes and a lot of attention every time she came by.  Oddly, she seemed to be returning it.  Then, I made mention in passing about my fencing, and she got really interested and started asking questions.  I answered what I could, and then I told her it was free.  I started explaining when practices are, but explained that there were some disruptions coming up.  So I asked if I could just call her with info…which got me her number.  When she gave it to me, she said I could call her with info.  I then laid it on thick and was like…”Can I call you anyway?” to which she responded very distinctly and with a smile “Yes”.  There were plenty of clear messages going back and forth, or so it seemed to me and my friend.

I called her a few days later, and I got her voice mail.  I left a message that was cutesy saying who I was and if we’d like to talk fencing or…other stuff…as I put it.  She called back and left a message that said she was interested in both.  Again…to me clear messages going back and forth…  The next night I called her, and her boyfriend answered the phone.  I then got to talk to her, and it was a pleasant conversation.  She explained a bit about herself and I myself, and it became very clear very quickly that she had no clue that I was flirting with her at the restaurant.  She just thought I was a cool girl that was all about making new friends.  So…I just let her think that.  It was pretty disappointing for me, not going to lie.  I believe it was that night that I posted on twitter “My new motto is ‘Expect Disappointment and you’ll never be disappointed’.  As pessimistic as that may be, it surely seems true.  At least I made a new friend, right?

Enter part two… I’m on okcupid, and I have been chatting it up with this girl.  We’re connecting.  Our conversations are stimulating.  I’m really liking her and I’m thinking she likes me.  I have noticed her profile says straight, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything.  There’s a whole slew of reasons why someone might post their profile as straight while being not straight.  I assume nothing.  Well…I decided to ask just to be sure, and sure enough…she’s straight.  She’s just looking for friends.  That’s cool…again, just disappointing.  We’ve actually become fast friends and are chatting a lot.  So good has come out of it, but doesn’t change the fact that it was hard to hear that another person I’m attracted to isn’t interested.  Twice in one week.

So yeah…straight girls…

Loneliness

A lot of things have impacted my emotional state lately.  The straight girl situation is one of them.  All in all though, my desires to find someone have pushed forward, and now I’m just starting to feel incredibly lonely.  I have great friends, but I have no one I can cuddle up next to.  I’ve been dealing with some highs and lows lately because of it.  I’ll get through it, but it’s been a bit rough lately.

OkCupid

Like I said, I’m on OkCupid now, and at first my expectations were good.  I thought with it being free, there’d be a lot more people on there.  Unfortunately, the actuality has been a bit disappointing.  I’ve had some responses here and there, but what’s happened is the women I’m attracted to aren’t responding back to me, the people I don’t want to talk to are contacting me a lot, and I’ve also had the aforementioned straight girl situation.  So the reality is that it hasn’t really improved my outlook.

I have had lots of luck in the past with Yahoo Personals.  So this morning, I signed up for a month.  I will see how that goes.  There’s also the possibility of www.plentyoffish.com, which has been recommended by several people.  So we’ll see.  I usually hate that phrase though.  My mother always said that to me after a breakup.  I don’t get fishing analogies.

New Friends

The upside to okcupid and the straight girl scenario is that I’ve made a new friend or two.  I’ve also randomly come across some really cool people that have now become fast friends with  me.  What’s that old phrase…if you can’t beat em? Assimilate them? Shit…I don’t think that’s right.  Oh well.  Anyway, it’s nice to have people to hang out with though.  It feels like I’m really settling into this area, which is cool.  I hope this trend continues.  In fact, I’m considering having a grand party with all of my friends this summer.  I think it’ll be a blast.  I’ll probably announce it on here when it’s going to happen.  So watch for it.

Taxes

I did my taxes finally.  I thought that this year was going to suck as far as taxes are concerned.  After all the freelance, the unemployment, and the lack of business purchases to offset costs, I thought I’d be paying in the thousands.  I was pleasantly shocked to see that it was not the case.  I ended up fairing quite well after all the expenses I had.  The only big one was the laptop I bought for editing and web work.  It ended up making the biggest difference.  In the end, I made out with a net positive.  So, with that, one of my new years resolutions is on the brink of coming true.  I will be paying off all my furniture debt this coming week.  I’m looking forward to it.  One less bill a month.

Camera

In other good news, one of my long standing goals is about to come true.  I’m going to buy a shiny new camera.  I’ve wanted something to shoot high quality video with.  With the advent of the latest Canon cameras being able to do really nice still photos as well as full 1080p high definition video, it’s a great option for me.  I’ve been working extra at work, which is brining in some extra money.  Along with a few other financial improvements of late, I actually am in a great position to buy this camera, and perfect timing too.  I have a wedding for a family member to shoot in a month or so, and I want a secondary camera to shoot stuff at Pridefest with.   So this will serve so many uses.  I’m going to be selling my original camera, and I’ve already got a buyer.  So, it’s going to be awesome.  I’ll be sure to post stuff on here for all to see.

Speaking in Audrey’s class

I got the opportunity to speak in my favorite professor’s class again recently.  If you recall in a previous post, I didn’t think it went as well the last time I did this.  So I was a bit more nervous about this presentation.  I changed up the format again.  Audrey (the professor) always asks her students to look at my website and come up with questions to ask me prior to my visit.  I get access to those questions.  What I decided to do was actually structure the discussion around the questions asked.  It actually worked quite well.  This was perhaps the best presentation I’ve ever given.  I think the response was fantastic!  I had a lot of fun.

There were a couple of students that wrote very religious comments that I decided to just skip over.  I do not feel that I need to or should read comments that are hurtful and prejudiced, despite the perhaps good intentions they were written with.  Religious intolerance is probably the biggest issue that affects the LGBT community, and because of that, I didn’t hold back as far as that part of my story is concerned.  I talked about how I do not identify as Christian anymore.  I told the story of the pastor basically kicking me out of the church and God’s people turning their back on me.  I explained that I never felt that God hated me, made a mistake with me, or ever did anything other than love me.  Hopefully those words didn’t fall on deaf ears.

Dentist Visit

Chris and my good friend, Chris (yes, I know that’s confusing), is also our dentist.  I haven’t gone in about a year or more.  It was time.  So I made an appointment and went in.  I knew something was wrong and that I most likely had a cavity.  As it happens, I had three…maybe even four.  I had no idea.  I’ve mentioned in the past that I have a high pain tolerance.  When I was shown which teeth had problems, I was surprised.  I felt no pain or discomfort.

So this past week, I went in to get half of them taken care of.  Apparently they only do one half of the mouth at a time.  Personally, I’d rather just get them all done at once, but I wasn’t given that choice.  I doubt they had that much time open anyway.  I have to say…the dental hygienist / assistant to the dentist was quite attractive.  She’s, of course, quite straight, but attractive nonetheless.  In a few weeks I get the rest taken care of.  Then I can move on to making an appointment with my eye doctor.  Hooray!

Youth Group

The youth group has been a lot of fun so far.  I feel a lot more confident now than when I was a mentor the first time.  Maybe it’s because I’ve matured a lot since then.  I think it helps that I’m past all the transition stuff.  Anyway, I’ve really enjoyed working with the kids.  I think this group will soak up a lot of my energies in the future, which is good.  It doesn’t feel draining in the slightest.  Maybe that says a lot about what I should be devoting my time to in life.

Question of the blog

What is your most disappointing story when it comes to finding love?

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Posted in Goals, LGBT, Love, Transgender, depression, friends, spirituality | 4 Comments »

Infectious Experience

Monday, January 11th, 2010

I can easily say that so far, this new year / decade has not started well.  Hopefully it’s not like the whole “woke up on the wrong side of the bed” scenario.  It started with me getting sick with a head cold right on New Years Day.  How wonderful…

I hate being sick.  It doesn’t happen often, but for some reason I’ve been sick twice in the past 6 months.  This one was worse than the last.   It didn’t seem that way at first, but after five days of blowing my nose raw it was pretty obvious.  Then suddenly I stopped getting better, and the awesomeness coming out of my nose turned neon yellow.  So on Saturday, I went to Urgent Care to get my sinus infection diagnosed.

While I was there, the doctor informed me that my left ear had wax buildup.  That’s the same ear that had blockage problems last year.  So, on Sunday, I decided to try the ear wax removal drops I have and see what happens.  I figured I could take care of it.  Instead, the drops got stuck in my ear.  I couldn’t get them out.  I tried just about everything from a q-tip to jumping up and down to a blow drier to sleeping on my ear to let it drain out.  Nothing worked.  So all night and all day I had a blocked left ear that was kind of annoying.

So that meant today I got to go back to the doctor.  How fun!  This time they flushed my ear and got the offending wax out.  Finally the water drained!  My god what a relief.  I was then informed that I had an ear infection to go along with my sinus infection.  That’s wonderful.  I don’t know if I’ve ever had an ear infection before.

What I found odd…my doc told me that most people complain of a big ear ache along with an ear infection like mine.  I didn’t really notice.  It was a little uncomfortable and the whole being deaf in one ear was annoying.  Otherwise, I guess I never noticed.  Makes me wonder how high my pain tolerance is.  I know I don’t get headaches often and I only keep tylenol in my cabinet because someone might need it at some point.  I must be weird…

So yeah, things are getting better.   I should be finally breathing easy again by the end of this week.  I’m sick of blowing my nose, and I’m sure my roommates and coworkers are sick of hearing it.  I’m excited though…today was the first time in a while that I’ve felt truly hungry.  So I made myself a big dinner, and it was fantastic!

Let’s see…let’s go backward.  New Years Eve was fun.  Chris and I went to our friend’s Sarah and Kit’s house.  It was a great time.  We played Pit and enjoyed everyone’s company.  There was good food and a lot of laughs.

Christmas isn’t what it once was for my family.  We didn’t do the gifts thing this year.  No one could really afford it.  So it was really just food and family.  Don’t get me wrong, that’s great.  It’s just doesn’t feel like it did when I was a kid.  Plus, we do everything on Christmas Eve now since my siblings have families.  I’m really the only one staying over at my parents’ house now.  I miss that feeling of wonder and excitement of childhood Christmases.  All things change I guess.

I did end up spending money on myself though.  I bought an electric blanket.  My parents had one on my bed when I was at home, and I just loved it.  I haven’t regretted buying it at all so far.  In fact, I’m sitting under it right now.

My family went to see Avatar, which…awesome! If you haven’t, go see it, and go see it in digital 3D.  I have already gone to see it twice.  I may see it a third time before it leaves theaters.  Such a cool film.

I can’t forget to mention this.  Right after Christmas, a great friend of both mine and Chris came to visit all the way from San Francisco, California.  Her name is Lisa.  She went to college with both Chris and I, and she’s the coolest hippie I know.  We spent the Monday night after Christmas hanging out, catching up, sharing good food, and loving every minute of it.  She is a friend I hope I stay in contact with for the rest of my life.  We have such a great connection.

Lisa, Chris, and I are such kindred spirits.  There are so few people that I can talk so deeply with about things that are so personal and sacred.  I trust them with anything.  Lisa, Chris, and I talked about something that I’ve felt for a long time.  It’s this feeling…no…longing to go home.  By home, I mean back to where our souls come from.  This world is so mundane, so harsh, so hurtful…yet we’re here…trapped in these fleshy shells with such limited perceptions of time and space.  I know a big part of me yearns to be released from my entrapment, but I know I still have things I have yet to do here.  I may not know what those things are, but…I just know.  Both Chris and Lisa share that feeling, and it’s nice to know that I’m not alone in feeling what I feel.  I think that is a wonderful thing to share.  I am so grateful to know both of them.

Let’s see…since I haven’t written since Thanksgiving really, none of my readers know of the crap I had to deal with in December.  The big one was that my car’s fuel pump finally died.  All of my plans for a new laptop went out the window.  I had to put my moneys toward a shiny new pump to make my car run again.  $700 dollars later and I got just that.  My car has been running beautifully ever since.

Out of that fiasco and disappointment, I did some thinking and really decided that I really did need a new laptop.  I finally decided to sell my iMac.  I figured it was the only way to get the laptop that I really needed.  So I went about doing that and success!  I was able to sell it.  I realized also that I had some software licenses on it that were also worth money that I could sell separately.  I ended up coming out quite well in the deal.  I got myself a shiny new fiery red Sony Vaio laptop with some nice fixins on the inside.  It’s been serving me well for a couple weeks new, and I am quite happy with it.  That was really my Christmas gift to myself.

So, that means…I can actually do some of the things I’ve been holding off on.  Unfortunately due to my getting sick for so long, I’ve had no energy to do any of it over the duration of my time with this laptop.  So, as this week progresses, I’m guessing more will get done.  I’m feeling my energy come back with each day.  I’ve been doing theming research for drupal.  So genderverse should be set within a week.   Mark my words!

I have another major post I plan on writing in the next couple days too.  I have had something on my mind that I feel I really need to share.  So stay tuned for that.  In the meantime…I’m sore from my terrible night’s sleep last night.  I’m still recovering from my infections, and I’m tired.  So…yes I know it’s only 10:30pm, but I’m going to bed.  Sweet dreams all!

Question of the blog: Do you ever feel like I feel about this world and experience?

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Posted in family, friends, sick, spirituality | 2 Comments »

Remembering

Thursday, November 26th, 2009

Marking Time

Normally I post about every two weeks.  I held off on posting this time because I wanted to mark time.  Today was Thanksgiving.  A year ago today I was given a rude awakening by someone I loved.  I also had my heart torn from me to which I’m still healing from.  It was important to me to specifically remember this day…this night.

A year ago, Jenn, my ex girlfriend, abruptly broke up with me after what I thought was a beautiful relationship.  She was honest and forthright when she broke it off, and for that I’m thankful.  It didn’t change the hurt, but it was the decent way to do it.  I’ve been thinking a lot about that night for the past year.  It truly changed me.  Suddenly I saw flaws in myself that I found myself shocked that I never saw before.  For that reason, I felt ashamed of myself.  Yes, I know we all have flaws.  It’s just…finding out that you have an ego problem and talk down to people when you hate it when other people do that…it’s like a bad dream.  I only hope that I’ve at least somewhat gotten past that ego.  I don’t want it, and I never want to be that person.

I’m glad Jenn broke up with me for that reason alone.  Now…that aside, I had something happen to me recently that made me think.  Chris and I have been watching How I Met Your Mother lately.  We watched the episode “Slap Bet”, and in it, Neil Patrick Harris’ character talks about what he calls an “O moment”.  By that he means that when you’re dating someone, and they do something that makes you go “Ohhhhh….” and think “yeah, this isn’t going to work.”  For Jenn, realizing my ego existed was her O moment.  She told me so and even referenced the episode of HIMYM during the breakup.  I hadn’t seen the episode at the time.  I found it interesting that I saw the episode about a year after she decided to break if off.

I have a problem with this concept of “O moments”.  Sure we have issues with the people we date, but there should never really be just one thing that does it in, unless it’s something serious, like murder, rape, etc.   She couldn’t a. get passed my ego at the time, b.  ever mention it to me and c. work with me on my own quest to change.  Instead she wanted to just dump me.  To me that says that she wasn’t worth my time.  If she couldn’t accept me at my worst, then she didn’t deserve me at my best.

One year later, I can definitely say I’m over her.  I’m happy that she broke up with me now.  I think it was good for me to learn my faults.  I also think in the long run, I probably wouldn’t have been happy with her.  So it’s all for the best.  I really don’t know when I will date again.  While I may be over Jenn, I still have a lot to work on as far as my own issues go.  I’m sure that will be a life long journey.  I’m in no rush, and being in a smaller city, I don’t have as many opportunities to date.  Who knows, but I’m sure I’ll write about it when it happens.

Day of Rememberance

Yup, lot of remembering in this post.  Last week Friday was the Transgender Day of Remembrance.  I spent the day lecturing at Menomonie High School and UW Stout, both in Menomonie, WI.

At 10:00 am, I was in the auditorium at the High School, and wow…I have never had attendance like that before.  There were 250 some students.  Hands down, that was the smoothest presentation I have given in a long time.  The group was really engaged and asked a lot of questions.  I thought I was going to be intimidated by such a large group, but it wasn’t an issue.  I actually got asked so many questions that I forgot to talk about the film “Transamerica”, which was requested by one of the teachers.  I felt a bit bad about that.  Considering the school has recently had some incidents with bad treatment of LGBT identified students, it sure seems like they are headed in the right direction.  I had about 20 students come up to talk to me right after wards to say thanks and such.  One of them gave me a pride bracelet that they had made for me.  I was not expecting that.  Thank you to the girl that gave me that.  It fits nicely.

UW Stout was also a good time, though the turn out was low.  I can’t say that I’m surprised considering it was a Friday afternoon.  A lot of college students are quick to head for home on Fridays.  Still, for the people that were there, it went very well.  I know some of the things I said really impacted some of the people there.  They came up and told me so afterwards.  I was even asked for my autograph!  That’s never happened before.

That night I also was hosting drop in night at the LGBT Community Center.  We had good conversation.  It was a long day, and I was exhausted by the end of it.  I want to say though, it was an honor to be able to represent the Transgender community on such an important day.  Every year we lose so many to hate and fear.  I only hope that my efforts, and the efforts of all the other trans advocates out there, we can fight that fear and hatred through education and awareness.

Car problems

I had a bit of a scare with my car during the past few weeks.  About two weeks ago, I was leaving work, and suddenly my car wouldn’t start.  I almost drained the battery trying to get it to turn over.  It was odd…and out of the blue.  I had to call Chris to come pick me up.  My car sat in the parking lot for the weekend until I could have it towed.

The mechanic wasn’t sure what it was at first because, surprise, he could start it just fine.  They thought maybe the fuel pump was going.  Upon looking, the fuel filter needed to be changed badly.  So, I got that done, and now it seems to be running fine.  I had one more incident when it wouldn’t start, but since then, no problems.  That’s good because I don’t have the 650 bucks it would cost to fix.

Swords

I know I may have said at one point that I likely wouldn’t go back to fencing, but it looks like I may.  Chris, Josh, and I watched a film called “Reclaiming the Blade”, which talks about the history of swords and their use in fighting.  Specifically it talks about groups today re-learning the historical ways of fighting with them using old manuscripts.  It was fascinating.

Josh didn’t know that there was a fencing group in the Chippewa Valley.  He had no idea that I had learned fencing of sorts in college and had attended a similar group in Milwaukee.  He was so excited because he’s always wanted to learn how to fence.  So, we, as a group, decided that we’re going to start going to the fencing group together starting in January.  It’ll be great to have people to train with and learn with at the same level.  I’m sure there will be many a photo taken, which I will post here.

New Website

Gendeverse is coming along.  It looks like I’m going to go with Drupal, mainly due to its flexibility.  I don’t know what the site will grow into and Wordpress may be too limiting.  I have a logo design done, and I’m working on a site design.  I like the color scheme, and I think it’s going to be quite classy.  My goal is to launch by the new year.

As mentioned in the last post, I talked about a friend that would make a great asset to Genderverse.  If you are following Genderverse on twitter, I put him in charge of that account, and he’s been doing some amazing things.  He is none other than Adam Chernow, and he is teh awesome.  Thanks Adam for being teh awesome.  There couldn’t be a better person to manage the twitter feed for us.

Hollywood

I wish I could use that title to say something like “Yeah, Hollywood called me to talk about movie rights to my life”, but I’m not that amazing.  I wish I was, but I’m not.  Anyway, what I can say is that I have a friend that has followed my blog for years.  She happens to work out in Hollywood as a producer and editor.  She has offered to help me get my career started out there if ever I want it.

How cool is that?!!  I can easily say that it has been my dream to work out there doing films / TV etc.  I remember my mother saying so many times that I put too much of myself out there with this blog, but it has never been a negative thing for me.  It’s only opened doors.  This is one of those that I never would have expected, and it’s totally amazing.

That said, I’m not in any hurry to run out to California.  While it’s a dream, I’m not ready for it yet.  I’m actually in quite a good and comfortable place right now.  I like my job.  I like my living situation.  I like how things are shaping up with my speaking career and advocacy work.  I have plenty of time.  I’m going to ensure that my skills are in shape, and maybe in five years, I’ll move out there.  It’s nice to know I have a plan, and who knows…plans change.  We’ll see what the universe has in store for me.

Giving Thanks

Before I say good night, I want to just say a few things I’m thankful for.  I’m thankful for my family, my friends, my fans, good food, bad jokes, people who laugh at bad jokes, my job, my fellow advocates in the trans community, the interwebs, icanhascheezburger.com, my car still running, having a warm bed to sleep in, life, and love.  There are so many more things I could say, but I’ll leave it at that.  Thanks for reading everyone.

Question of the Blog

What have you experienced in your life that you needed a long time to reflect upon before moving forward?

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Posted in Heartbreak, LGBT, Love, Personal Growth, Transgender, dreams, family, friends | 3 Comments »

Remember Remember the Squirrel of November

Friday, November 6th, 2009

I start this post with some bad news.  Today I hit a squirrel while driving to work.  I know some people think they’re rodents and don’t matter, but I still was sad about it.  I tried to dodge, but as Yoda would say…there is no try.  I heard the “thump” and knew.  I saw the damage in my rear view mirror.  I had squashed a life.  Poor little fuzzy…I’m sorry.

Now that the sad part is out of the way, I have had a busy few weeks.  I’ll start as far back as I can.  A Geeky Lady shindig was three weeks ago.  It was a great time.  I got to see @tapps, @jennaddenda, and @ashedryden; three of my geekiest lady friends.  We spent the evening behind the glow of laptop screens.  It was really great to catch up with them.  I need to visit more often.

While I was home, I also got to meet Fezzik, my little sister’s new boxer puppy.  He’s a ball of energy and a lot of fun.  I had fun playing with him while catching up with my sister.  Things seem to be going well for her and her husband.  I envy them in a lot of ways.  Anyway, I asked Fezzik if there were many rocks ahead.  He just kind of looked at me funny.  I certainly hope my sister trains him to respond to that line.  Haha.

I also got to see Elden again.  He’s getting bigger!  No surprise.  He’s a baby.  They grow fast.  I got some cute photos of him and my niece, Kalina.  In fact, that Sunday, we had an unplanned family gathering for dinner.  It’s rare we all get together for a meal, and I’m glad I was there for that.

That following Tuesday was my forum at UW Eau Claire.  It went exceedingly well.  The room was moved because we needed a more open venue.  We had a full house, standing room only!  I was blown away.  Even though I’ve been speaking for years on gender issues, I still never feel prepared enough.  That feeling is only increased because I do it so infrequently these days.  Still, about half way into this presentation, I felt my rust shaking off.  Suddenly that groove came back, and I felt confident and comfortable.

I am excited about that.  I just know that my next few presentations are going to be even more stellar.  I’ve got two events coming up on November 20th, the Transgender Day of Remembrance.  I’m going to be very prepared for them and I’m sure they are going to be amazing experiences.  I’m really looking forward to it.  If you’re going to be in the area of UW Stout, stop on by at 2:30 in the afternoon.

I’ve been very motivated lately and have had some great ideas for Genderverse.  Despite my comfort returning in my speeches, I want to stay on top of the latest information.  So I’ve decided to pledge a day a week next year to research and writing time.  I’m going to read an article, book, or something related to gender a week, and I will comment on it through Genderverse.  I think that’s a great idea to learn and to help others learn through it.

My idea for Genderverse is to turn it into almost an online magazine with regular columns and articles.  I want it to be the place to go to for gender related news and commentary.  I’ve already got one person that’s interested in writing.  I’ve got another person I want to ask.  He tweets a lot of articles and cares a lot about the trans community.  I think he’d be a great person to write and give a straight ally / male perspective.   Now I just need a design for the site.  If you have any thoughts, share them in the comments.

So that’s my excitement of late.  I also have to share a bit of sad news.  I visited gpac.org the other day.  GenderPAC was an organization I worked with when I was in college.  It was run by Riki Wilchins, who has been an inspiration and teacher to me through these years.  GenderPAC was great in that they worked towards ending gender discrimination, had a big focus on youth, and were really the first of their kind when it came to their approach to gender.  Upon visiting the site, I discovered they no longer exist.  There’s a letter explaining their history and why they decided to close their doors.  They ended on a proud note.  I hope I can use their inspiration as a launching point for Genderverse.  Thank you, Riki, and the folks of GenderPAC, for all that you have done and that you continue to do even though the organization is no longer.

Two weeks ago was Twin Cities Code Camp.  What is a Code Camp you ask?  Well, it’s a free conference about programming for programmers by programmers.  This was my first one, and I had a good time.  I finally got to start playing with Ruby on Rails, which is really cool.  I also got to meet some awesome people and came home with a free license to Office 2007 (which still hasn’t arrived yet).

One of the issues that came up at the camp was the lack of women in the field.  I was one of maybe 15 women there.  In fact, in one of the breakout sessions, one of the women was openly hit on by a guy…during the presentation.  There are many reasons that women aren’t attracted to the field, and the ever present misogyny is one of them.  I think a lot of it also has to do with the geek taboo.  I think in a lot of ways there’s a bit of a cycle that keeps women out.  The social expectation for developers is that you are a nerdy, socially awkward guy.  Because of that expectation,  a lot of people, including women, avoid the field.  There’s also a bit of the “good ol’ boys” attitude there.  Misogyny has been present in video games for a long time for the same reasons.  I also think a lot of people are pushed out of the field because of the way that programming is taught.  I almost didn’t even have a CS minor because of that very reason, and yet, here I am a developer now.  I’m mostly self taught and from what I’m told, I’m pretty good at it.  Yet, I dropped out of the computer engineering program in my first year.  Something’s wrong there.

Anyway, those are some of my thoughts about the scenario.  I think I will dedicate an entry on genderverse to that topic.  To sum up, I had fun at the code camp and had a lot of energizing conversations about computer science.  Yes, again, I know I am a nerd.  Stop sending me emails telling me that.  I know already.  Thanks.

Halloween was fun.  Chris and I handed out candy to the kids.  We didn’t get as many as we thought we would, but it was still a good time.  That evening, we dressed up and went to Scooters, the gay bar in town, and had a good time.  Chris put the most effort into his costume.  He sewed together two suits, did up some crazy face makeup, and went as two-face.  He got a lot of compliments.  I went with an old standard.  I was “Generic Sith Lord #2″, which is the same outfit I wore at my brother in-law’s 30th birthday party a year or two ago.  We had fun.

Money has been tight tight tight lately.  I had a difficult October, and I blame the fact that my student loans came due.  I may have to put them off another six months until I get some of my other debt paid off.  It shocks me that even though I’m making better money than I was in Milwaukee, and my costs of living are lower, I’m still only scraping by.  I guess I can’t complain though.  I have a job and I have food.  I guess it’s a good thing I’m not dating.  I couldn’t afford it if I was.  I do certainly hope that there will be a time soon that I don’t feel poor.

Question of the blog:  What are your suggestions for Genderverse?  What was the best costume you saw this Halloween?

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Posted in Goals, LGBT, Money, Transgender, family, friends | 2 Comments »

Mood swings

Thursday, June 11th, 2009

I’m sitting currently in a coffee shop in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin taking some time to sit, think, and contemplate where things are going next in my life.  With the unemployment up in the air, and really an uncertainty as to what I’m going to do in the coming months, I’ve found myself at a crossroads.  There’s a lot of possibilities and I really have to address those head on.

First I want to address the title of this post.  I’ve had major up days and major down days lately.  Since getting the hearing notice, it’s been more down days, and more extreme lows for me than up days.  Yesterday was probably the worst of the down days.  I think the lack of sleep combined with the stress I’ve been feeling lately has just exacerbated the whole situation.

It’s a little scary to be honest.  I can easily say that I’ve not felt this depressed since prior to transition.  I could feel the weight of depression on my body.  I felt numb the whole day aside from when I first got on the road to drive to Milwaukee.  That’s when my unhappiness burst out of me.  I was crying so hard…like I haven’t cried in a long while.  I found myself speaking the words “This isn’t my life” and “why is this happening” almost as if it was unvoluntary.

I think the thing that scared me the most was that I was thinking about things that were not pleasant.  I wasn’t thinking about actually committing suicide, but I pondered if things would get that bad that I would think about it.  Even that scared me.  I don’t want to be even be pondering even the possibility.

The good news in all of this is that I know how to cope with these feelings.  For all of you that are concerned about me, please know that I WILL push through this.  I appreciate all of the support you all have given so far.  I have to give a special shout out to Adam and Chris.  Both of them are always there to listen.  They are true heroes in my book.  Thanks guys!

It’s time to switch to positive topics.  I had a video shoot yesterday that, despite my mood, went swimmingly.  I was worried the quality would be sacrificed because of my mindset, but thankfully, the shoot kept me distracted.  I had a good time.  I love shooting.  I also had an edit to finish, and I was able to do that as well.  I got kudos from the producer involved as being able to really turn the lemon video that was shot by someone else into lemonade.  She really liked it.

I ran into an old friend on Tuesday.  I was on my alma mater campus at UW Eau Claire, and while I was walking around…Dale Larson appeared.  I will admit that in the past, Dale has been the butt of jokes.  On top of that, even in my blog in the past, I’ve voiced some mean opinions about him.  I have to say…all of those things have been mean and immature.  Dale, I truly apologize.

Anyway, running into Dale was a wonderful experience.  We chatted about life post college and our frustrations in the corporate world.  We have a lot in common with our working experiences.   He’s had experiences that have totally put him off to the corporate world.  Plus, he’s very passionate about LGBT issues and really wants to do work that deals directly with the LGBT community.  Neither of us really knows how to make that a career.

Dale is back in school since he had no luck with a Bachelors.  When I told him about my desires and my interest in possibly returning to school myself, he actually made a really interesting suggestion.  He suggested I consider UW Stout as a school since they are trying to be more of a polytechnical school that’s a four year college.  They’re very near to Chippewa where I live, and they have a lot of cool programs.  When he said that, I was like…wow…that’s true.  I really should consider that.

I took a look at their program list and found one that’s all about computer game programming and design.  It’d be another four years in school with more debt and what not, but it would open doors that were closed before.  All things considered, it could actually be very beneficial for me.  I could commute and possibly find a part time job that’s decent instead of a full time job.  Or I could work on my own business.  I’d love to hear your thoughts on that idea.

Speaking of the business, I have set up an appointment with the University’s small business development center to discuss the business prospects I may have.  I figure there are plenty of opportunities to turn my talents into a career that makes money.  I just don’t know how.  This is a free service, and it’ll be great to actually get some professional help with this whole business thing since I have so little experience with it myself.

I think one of the things that triggered me going to that office is the unemployment class I had to go to Tuesday morning.  I got singled out by the state as someone that might need the class.  So as a requirement, I had to go.  Really though, it was a waste of time.  The only information I got out of it that I didn’t already know was a list of job websites in the area.  Unfortunately I had to go to the class or lose my unemployment benefits…which of course I still may lose.  At least the whole thing got me to set up an appointment though.

Speaking of unemployment (I seem to have the segways down today), I’ve had little confidence lately on whether I’d win the hearing or not.  Yesterday I was certain I’d lose.  Today, after talking to my father and showing him the hearing documents, he feels I have a pretty good chance of winning.  So today my spirits are up.

Chris thinks that having all this time before the hearing is a good thing.  It allows me to fully think through what I might do afterwards in either result.  I know the worst case, and I know the best case.  I think that by the time the hearing happens, I’ll know what I’m going to do regardless of the outcome.  I think by then, I’ll be resolved and confident.

In the worst case scenario, I’ll have to file bankruptcy.  A part of me craves the relief that would bring.  I’d likely lose my cell phone and most of my electronic trinkets, but I think there’s a bit of a comfort in a clean slate.  Sure, it’s on my credit report for 10 years, but I won’t owe anyone anything.  I can go into my future with a healthier financial approach.  Of course, in the best case, I can live until I get my next job safely and will be able to get by just fine too.  In the end, it will work out just fine.  Things always do.

Tonight, I have been invited to dinner with my good friend Mike and his girlfriend.  It’ll be good to see him again and to talk about life and so forth.  There are quite a few people I miss in Milwaukee, and he is one of them.  I’ll get to see a few of those people this weekend at Pridefest.  I’ve already got the camera and am excited to get going.  I think I’m going to buy some shoes tonight so my feet don’t hurt like hell by Monday.  I’ll be taking some photos and will do my best to post a few of them next week.

Well, I’ve finished my dark chocolate Mocha, and now I’m just loitering in this coffee shop.  I better sign off for now.  Catch ya’ll soon.

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Posted in depression, friends, unemployment | 3 Comments »

Party time

Sunday, May 24th, 2009

It’s almost 3:30 in the morning, and I just felt this lingering need to blog before passing out for the night…morning…whatever.  Saturday night we had people over.  Chris has had monthly “board game” nights for the past six months or so, and people have raved about how fun they are.  So, we were bound to have one here.  Honestly, I had a lot of fun.

We played two games.  The first is a long time favorite of mine called “Lunch Money”.  The premise is that you are elementary age school girls beating each other up for their lunch money.  It’s a lot of fun to play, though obviously violent.  We had a blast.  After that, we played Pit, which is a trading game much like the stock exchange.  It went on for a while, and people’s voices started to go from all the yelling.  It was a ton of fun though.  Chris’ friend, Greg, was the come behind winner in the end.

After the games, we felt like watching a movie.  So we watched “Hellboy 2: the Golden Army”, and it was fantastic.  I have to say, it beats the first film of the two easily.  Guillermo Del Toro is a fantastic director and was able to meld action, story, and humor perfectly.  It was a good story with great characters.  It also had a very satisfying last shot.  I recommend it.

My only disappointment with tonight is that it felt more like Chris’ party with Chris’ friends.  A lot of my friends in town are older with families.  So, they’re  not the type to come to a party like this.  Plus, I was the only girl.  It seemed a little heavy on the testosterone.  I hope that the balance changes soon and we get more diverse groups.

We spent today cleaning in preparation for our guests.  It was a good blitz because we got so much taken care of that needed it.  Chris vaccumed like crazy.  I cut the grass for the first time.  We also have had a major dandelion problem.  So I also spread some week killer / grass fertilizer.  I started turning over the garden.  We got the dishes done, bathrooms clean, and even hung my art.  I feel like we’re totally settled in now.  That feels really great.

I have to say, I feel incredibly relieved now that I have money in a bank account again.  I know I need to find employment, because freelance just isn’t going to cut it.  I’m looking forward to finding a place that I can help out, and that can truly help me too.  I really want to take my skills to the next level.

I also have to say…since I’ve moved in with Chris, I’ve not had one day where I’ve felt lonely.  I haven’t had nights where I’m just sitting and staring at my computer screen wondering what to do with myself either.  We’ve consistently had something fun to do.  Granted I was still moving in during that time, but even so, it’s been nice to have someone there.  So far so good on the move.

Anyway, tomorrow may be a relaxation day.  We might work on the garden.  We bought seeds for vegetables.  So hopefully we can get it into shape before its too late.  I better get to sleep so I’m not exhausted all of Sunday.  Good night all!

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Posted in Movie Review, family, friends | 2 Comments »

I really need to post more often…

Sunday, May 10th, 2009

Move preparations

I’m moving!  That’s right…that time has come to move in with my best friend.  Being unemployed, I can’t afford to live in my apartment anymore.  So I’m off to Chippewa Falls this week.  It’s going to be a difficult move too.  It’s hard to justify rental fees for trucks and whatnot when you have no income.

I was originally planning on updating this website design this past week.  Turns out I realized I was running short on time for packing to move.  So I set the website aside to pack everything up.  I sit right now with 3/4 of my apartment ready to move.  The one thing I don’t know yet is if I’ll rent a trailer or a full on truck.  It’s about 30 bucks a day to rent a trailer, and it’s about 360 bucks to rent a truck one way.  Unfortunately I don’t think I could do the trailer thing and get everything up there in one shot.  I’ll probably need a few trips.  I’ll figure it out.

Scarlet vs the Bluetooth Headset

Scarlet, for those of you that don’t know, is my 10 month old red tabby cat.  She’s a cutie, but don’t let her looks fool you.  She’s a brat and a diva.  It would also seem that she loves to bat around bluetooth headsets for cell phones.  I should preface this whole thing with the fact that I’ve had bad histories with headsets.  I’ve owned four of them.  Normally I’m great with electronics, but these things are so small that they disappear on me.

Case in point:  I recently lost my favorite LG headset upon switching cars for a car repair.  I’m not sure when it fell out of my purse or car, but it did.  So, I was headset-less.  I decided to replace it.  I went looking and found a Plantronics headset that I thought would be ok.  I tried it for a few days and discovered I hated the things.  It was uncomfortable in my ear, it was quiet, and the reception wasn’t all that great.  So I wanted to return it.

I set the headset on my dining room table with the intention of returning it the next day.  I thought to myself that it may not be wise since Scarlet may find it and play with it.  I walked away and forgot about my own concern before I could do anything about it.  I went to bed and in the morning…Surprise…it was gone.  Scarlet had played with it.

So I searched the apartment to no avail.  I looked everywhere…under the couch, in the couch, under the radiators, all surrounding the table, all across the floor, under the bed, in the closets…everywhere…twice.  I couldn’t find it.  I was pretty upset.  After several hours of searching, I gave up.

Finally tonight…as my mother, father, and I were packing up, it appeared.  My mom found it in a closet.  It had been batted into the closet and around the corner edge.  So, it was in a shadow and was surrounded by a small collection of toys that had also been lost.  I was shocked.  In fact, at this point, I had started to wonder if I was wrong and that I had lost it myself somehow.  Maybe I hadn’t deserved to ever have a headset.  Nope…it was Scarlet afterall.  Crazy kitten…she’s curled up next to me right now looking as innocent as ever too.

Car Accident

In other news…I got into a car accident just over a week ago.  I was on my way to Toys R Us to buy a gift for my older sister’s baby shower.  I got off the freeway during rush hour and none of the traffic would let the line of cars coming off the freeway merge.  So we all slowed to a halt.  The car in front of me went.  I sat waiting to go watching traffic, inching forward.

Suddenly I hear a crunch and feel my head hit the head rest.  A very loud “F&%king A!!!” involuntarily came out of my mouth.  I looked into my rear view to see a girl about my age in the car behind me.  She looked a bit freaked out.  I pulled forward a bit and put on my flashers.  We got out and she was incredibly apologetic.

I am proud of myself in that the first thing I asked was if she was ok.  She was.  I was too.  Turns out our cars were fine.  It was just a little bumper cars is all.  I had no damage…her license plate was a little bent.  That was it.  She was asking about exchanging information.  The first thought that popped into my head was a similar situation I caused about two years ago.  The car was a lot nicer…a white convertible…and the owners were so nice to me.  Since no one was hurt, and there was no damage, they let me go.  So I thought I’d pass on that karma.  I told her that since we were both fine, and our cars were fine…there’s no reason to exchange info.  She was incredibly relieved.  I just said be careful and have a good night.  I hope she does the same to someone else in the future.

Friends

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention some new friends in my life.  First and foremost is Leah.  She’s a really cool girl from the Southeast and has had a bit of a struggle lately, but I’ve really enjoyed chatting and getting to know her.  She’s really pretty, and she doesn’t see it.  She’s a geek and loves music.  In fact, she creates it almost nightly.  It’s really impressive how strong she is and how well she’s dealing with the challenges that she’s facing right now.  She’s a true role model for anyone.  I hope someday soon she can see that too.

I’ve also been being a lot more social lately.  I went to a couple unconferences, which I’ll talk about later.  I also met a few people thanks to my friend Tracy.  Tracy is an awesome tech nerd, and she seems to know just about everyone.  So she ends up being this node of communication that connects people.  It’s pretty awesome.  I’ve met so many cool people through her recently.  Plus, she’s so driven when it comes to bringing people together around causes.  She also has great parties in her basement.

I met her girlfriend, Jackie, who is such a geek.  It’s great.  I’ve been able to talk Harry Potter with her, Star Wars, and various other nerditry.  She makes for a really cool friend, AND she and Tracy are cute together. I hope they stay that way.  Plus they’re fun to hang out with together.

I got to meet someone called “the Dane” for the main reason that she’s from Denmark.  She was visiting Tracy.  She was fun to hang out with.  We went to the unconference together, and we hung out at the parties afterwards too.  She is a very interesting girl, and while a little quiet, very smart.

As part of the conferences, there were several parties and events.  I finally got out to the lesbian bars in Milwaukee.  I visited the Pint, which is like local meat shack.  As soon as you walk in, everone’s heads turn and eye you up as fresh meat.  Still, I liked the ambiance.  They had the Brewer game on both nights I was there.  I had a good time there both times I went.

I also went to Mona’s, which is like…THE lesbian bar.  It’s a happenin place with loud music, a big dance floor, a large bar, and a lot of places to sit and talk…er…yell.  It was fun to people watch there with Tracy and the Dane.  While there I got to meet little Jess as we called her.  She’s shorter than me.  She’s a very energetic woman that has a very frantic personality and a wacky sense of humor.  She was a lot of fun to shoot the shit with. I really had a good time at Mona’s too.

It’s truly unfortunate that I finally feel connected to the community here, and I’m leaving.  I feel like I have friends that go out.  That’s exactly what I wanted the entire time I was in Milwaukee.  Why now?  Guess we can’t have everything.

Unemployment

Speaking of not having everything, I’m really upset with my former employer.  They are fighting my unemployment claim.  It figures right?  I mean, they screwed me over at work, took advantage of me, totally used me, drained me of all desire and energy, and then fired me for trying to take on extra work to make ends meet.  Now they want to take away a lifeline.  Pardon my language here, but Fuck you, Move inc.  You’re truly a bunch of blood sucking, rapists.  You fired me for ethics, but you truly have none to begin with.  You know nothing about how to treat people fairly and respectfully.

Queer Camp

Tracy created the first ever Queer Camp, and I was proud to be a part of it.  There’s a concept out there surrounding this “Camp” idea.  People come together around a concept.  Sometimes it’s about podcasting, aka podcamp, or around photography, aka photocamp.  Another aspect is that it’s really informal.  The schedule is never set in stone.  So it’s frequently called an “unconference” because of that.  Queer Camp was the first surrounding LGBT issues.  Tracy started the website www.queercamp.org.  She also planned the whole thing.  She is amazing.

This was my first camp experience.  I presented during the first day and it was a blast.  I did two sessions.  The first was called “Gender in a slightly larger nutshell than expected”…no scrotal puns were intended.  The second was a less structured Q/A session called “Ask a transsexual anything”.  Both went great.  I have a video recording of the first one, and I’ll perhaps post some of the video when I get settled at the new house.  I also got some great questions in the second session.

There were a lot of great sessions.  Some were on gay christianity, legal issues in relationships, music, paganism, polyamory, and more.  It was very enlightening.  Above all it was great to connect with people and have a good time doing so.  I look forward to the next queer camp.  It seems poised to branch out across the country too.  Watch for it in your area! Or plan one yourself.  Tracy would be happy to set you up with the promo materials.

PhotoCamp Milwaukee

The following weekend was quite a few events.  One of them was Photocamp.  I didn’t think I was going to get to go to this, but I made it for the last part.  I had a few things earlier in the day that conflicted.  Otherwise, I’d have been there earlier.

I got to see a neat homemade ring flash…which is a new concept to me.  The result of what you get when you use a ring flash is pretty impressive.  If I had another flash, I’d consider making one.  It’s pretty cool.

I also participated in the evening photo walk.  A photo walk is just what it sounds like…people walk and take photos of what they see.  I have a few photos that I want to post, but I don’t have access to them at the moment.  I’ll post them in the coming few days.

After the photo walk was the closing session.  After that, I had some great food and enjoyed great conversation.  Out of that sparked the idea to pull my sword out of my equipment bag in my car.  Picture after picture was taken of me with the sword.  I’m still hoping to see some of the cool shots.  Unfortunately I’ve seen none of them, aside from the iPhone photo Tapps took.  I’m hoping I’ll get to be a part of  many more camps in the future.  They’re a lot of fun.

Bucketworks

Bucketworks is a great place in Milwaukee that both of the camps were held at.  It’s a non-profit, very versatile space that can really be used for anything.  The concept isn’t unlike an idea I had a couple months back involving a shared studio space that was offered for free to use or for a small fee.  Turns out they had the idea first.

Anyway, if I was staying in Milwaukee, I’d be strongly considering becoming a member.  The people that run the place are fantastic.  Plus, they’re nerds.  They have a lounge called “Ten Forward”…the office is called the “Ready Room”.  Star Trek references are always a win in my book.  You can check them out at www.bucketworks.org.

Baby Shower

Showers are too much for me.  I may be a girly girl most of the time, but baby showers…wedding showers…no thanks.  There’s a level of girly that I won’t touch with a 20 foot pole.  I guess the fact that baby clothes and babies were never all that thrilling to me probably has something to do with it.  Plus, the cutesieness of the games and party favors are so hyper feminized that it actually bothers me somewhat.

Maybe it bothers me also because it’s just such a heterosexual experience…for now.  Gay couples haven’t been able to get married until recently.  Or maybe it’s just that I know I’ll never have a shower.  I don’t date and don’t want kids.  I’d sure like the blenders, artwork, and house supplies that are given out as gifts though.

Anyway, as usual, I was on photographer duty.  It’s good that I have that, because otherwise I’d be bored.  Though it’s nice to catch up with family…still the focus is supposed to be on the showeree…not the showerers.  Plus there were so many people in a small space.  It was hard to hear and hard to focus with all the noise.  I’m glad the shower is over and done.

Visiting Chippewa

I visited the new house about a week ago.  It looks nice.  It’s not very big on the outside, but on the inside, it seems a lot bigger.  It has a galley kitchen with a larger dining area.  The three bedrooms are comfortably sized.  I won’t have any problems in that space.  The living room is a bit cramped with all the stuff Chris put in there.  I think that’ll change over time though.  The basement is nicely finished with plenty of room.  I love the wood burning fireplace.  My office is actually back in the corner.  It’s going to be a nice refuge to get work done.  I will call it the “Nerderarium”.  :) There will be few to no distractions.  I’m looking forward to it.

One of the things that really stood out in my mind though…the response from friends in the area.  I have a reputation in that part of the state, but it’s still surprising to have people shake your hand with two hands and say “It’s so good to have you back, Jessica.”  It feels good to be wanted.  It makes me feel like no matter what, I’ll have success there.  Here’s hoping.

Anyway…this is unbelievably long for a post.  I apologize.  I need more fiber…maybe then I’ll be more regular.  Maybe it doesn’t work that way for blogging…who knows.  Still…this one was over 2500 words.  Looks like writing a book will be easy enough.  Haha.  Sweet dreams and Happy Mothers day!

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Posted in Employment, Freelance, Web Design, family, friends, photography | 2 Comments »

Onward to success

Monday, March 30th, 2009

The freelance seems to never end.  OK…well it sort of does.  As of today, I got final approval on two 30 second spots I had been editing last week.  The producer and I had gone back and forth on fixes and I think we’re both really pleased with how it turned out.  With all this editing work, I feel like I’m starting to feel that creative groove come back slowly.  It’s that groove I had when I left college.  Now that I’m shooting and editing all the time, I am just in the moment more.  It feels good.

In other freelance news, I’ve decided to dump the flash web project.  It’s a bit too much for me, and I’ve been really stressed out about it for a long time now.  I have yet to hear back from the guy I asked to take it over, but I’m sure regardless, it’ll all get worked out.   The web is good for me when it’s a personal thing that I have passion about, but I have trouble finding my creative drive for a web client.  I think I’m just going to remove it from my freelance offerings unless it’s simple.  I’d rather be editing or shooting.

Once I get the final ok on that switch, I’m going to start working on Genderverse.net.  I’ve got the database structure set, but I haven’t felt comfortable donating any time to the project while I’ve got other responsibilities.  So, hopefully with much of my video work done and the web project off my plate, I can get moving.

I feel bad that I haven’t had time to work on my podcast.  I’ve done nothing but work for the past several weeks, which is a good thing.  It just means I’ve had to put other things aside, and that included the podcast.  The good news is that I wrote up the rundowns for the next podcast this weekend.  I’ll be shooting it this week.  I’m aiming for a two podcast a month release schedule.  I have the next two already blocked out.  Let’s hope that schedule works.

I’m doing a photo shoot this weekend.  For once, it’s not me taking the photos.  My friend Ken asked me about a year ago if I’d want to do a shoot with him.  It’ll be a little different being in front of the camera.  I fully expect to be uncomfortable at first, but I think I’ll loosen up and have fun as time passes.  I’m bringing a bunch of fun clothes to wear.  I’ll have a whole bunch of fun as well as professional pictures after this.  I think I’ll use some of them for this site’s design.

This past weekend I got something I really really needed: Down time.  I spent most of my weekend catching up on movie watching and some TV.  I’ve caught up on all of the Legend of the Seeker episodes out there.  The show has gotten better.  It was good to begin with, but I really like it now.  I also watched “Super Size Me”, which has helped me commit to never going to McDonalds again.  I didn’t like the place to begin with and rarely went already.  So it won’t be hard.  I also watched Chocolat, which was a charming and beautiful film.  The next two on my list are “The Invisible” starring Justin Chatwin, and Chicago with Rene Zellweger.

I feel a little bit of a need to respond to a lot of the comments I got on my last blog post about my voice.  I don’t have a bad voice by any means.  I realized recently that if I wanted to, I could sing.  I might subject my podcast viewers to that too at some point.  I feel like I should explain.  I have a strong history with music.  In college, I actually got into the University of Wisconsin: Eau Claire school of music, which is actually a very good music school.   The Jazz band has won many a Grammy.  While majoring in music wasn’t for me, I did enjoy the subject enough to complete the music theory classes.  In that time we had to do some singing in class, and I was surrounded by women with these beautiful Soprano and Alto voices.  I’ve always wanted to sound like that…to sing like that.  Instead I would sing along with the class and feel embarassed that my voice didn’t really fit in either the male or female categories.  I felt kind of awkward.

So that’s where my vocal discomfort came from.  It’s taken me a number of years, but now, while that jealousy is still there in some form, I am comfortable with the way I sound.  I have a unique voice that people have often complimented me on.  It’s just another aspect of myself that I’m proud of.

The joys of cooking have continued for me.  This Saturday I made myself a lovely dish.  It was chicken coated in Italian breadcrumbs, baked in olive oil to a nice crisp, browned exterior.  The inside was moist and delicious.  I had sugar snap peas and broccoli as the vegetables.  I also had some long grain rice to complete the meal.  My dessert was a package of fresh strawberries.  What a fantastic meal.

Tonight was not as fantastic.  I was going to make spaghetti, which I don’t make often.  I bought some sauce on Friday when I went grocery shopping.  One of the jars was on clearance. It was Barilla Roasted Garlic pasta sauce.  I love garlic.  So naturally I thought it would be great.  It wasn’t.  In fact it was terrible.  I was shoving the sauce out of the way to try to just eat the noodles.  Now I know why it was on clearance.  Let’s hope the recipe I have for homemade mac and cheese turns out better.

I don’t know why I didn’t mention this earlier, but I had a meeting with Chris and another one of my good friends, Erika, about starting a non-profit and what it would take.  I have amazing friends.  They want to help and were guiding me in the right direction.  I think the most amazing thing was that throughout the whole meeting, the term in use was “we”.  It’s as if there was no question that they would be directly involved in the cause.  I can’t believe sometimes how awesome my friends are.  I’ve been asking around to some friends who are close to both me and this cause about being on the board when we get going, and they’ve been all for it.  I’m excited to see where this door leads.

On that note, it’s time to head to dreamy land.  It’s an early night for me…just past 11:00, but I need the rest.  With all the sleeping in over the weekend, I didn’t sleep much last night.  Thanks for sticking with my blog post until the bitter end.  Haha…g’night all.

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Posted in Freelance, Goals, Podcast stuff, friends, history | 1 Comment »

Helping those in need

Tuesday, March 10th, 2009

Well it certainly seems like Tuesdays are my blog update days.  Maybe it has a lot to do with it just being the only day of the week I don’t find myself swamped….wait…no that’s not true.

I’m almost completely over being sick.  I’m at about 93% right now.  All I have left is a little bit of a runny nose and a slight cough.  I think I’ll be back up to 100 % soon.  All things considered…I’m not surprised at all about getting sick.  I’ve been super stressed and I’ve not been getting enough sleep.  I get sick once or twice a year at most.  I guess it was just my time.  At least this time I didn’t get a sinus infection like last year’s nasty cold.  Yuck.

Today wasn’t bad after a string of days that just sucked.  I wish I could tell you why too.  There’s a lot of reasons, and I’m not allowed to talk about them.  Yeah, I’m being serious.  Let’s just say…there are a lot of things I’m not happy with right now and there are a lot of possible things that may change that in the near future.

Anyway, back to today.  I stopped to help out two people today, and it made me feel great.  I was at the grocery store, and a woman was calling for some help.  I looked over as I was walking, and it was a woman in an electric wheelchair.  She needed help getting something.  No one else was paying her any mind, and that really bothered me.  I walked over and helped her.  She was a very nice woman and was very gracious.  Why don’t people stop to help others more often?

Also, I went to check out and swiped my two items at the self check station.  I looked at the price and was like “Gah!!”.  It was several dollars more than it should have been.  I had two items: a pepsi and a donut.  The bill was six dollars for some reason.  Turned out someone had scanned dishsoap and forgot to void it.  So I did.  I went to swipe my card afterwards, and the receipt was already on its way out.  Turns out someone had gone through but didn’t finish their transaction. So instead my two items were on that person’s card.  Most people would walk away claiming a freebie.  I have a conscience.  I told the clerk, and she took care of voiding that transaction.  I rang my stuff up and paid.  I was thanked for my honesty.

That transaction was the last one I’ll get this week.  Payday is Friday, and I am literally flat broke until then.  When I got home from work today, I opened my mail box to find a collections letter in there in regards to my medical bills.  I called the number and had a long conversation with the man on the other end.  They expect me to pay back $700 in five months.  I have literally no room in my budget, and they want me to pay 150 a month or so.  I have no idea how I’ll manage that.  I don’t get it.  So many people hold off on paying medical bills.  I was specifically told to put that last on my list.  Why am I dealing with collections?  How do other people manage when they have bills outstanding for much longer and at much higher rates?  I hate money.

At least there’s some light at the end of the tunnel.  I have some new freelance lined up.  Another editor backed out, and I got the gig instead.  That’s always good for me.  The videos are 3 minute clips for a set of restaurants in the area.  There will be five of them, and they pay $350 each.  Starting this month.  Maybe I will make it through ok. In fact, I may come out with even my furniture paid off!  Who knows.  Maybe in a couple months…I’ll even have some money in savings?!!

I have to do my taxes yet, and I’m not looking forward to it.  I may have to pay.  Due to my sickly financial situation, I never was able to put any of the money I earned through freelance away.  I overpay on my full time job taxes and I can write off a lot of things for my business.  So we’ll see.  There’s also a possibility of a return.  Here’s hoping.  I’m putting money away for taxes this coming year.  That’ll make me less stressed next March.

There’s some potential change coming in my future.  I’ve been thinking about what I want to do in the coming year, and one of the things that has come up recently is grad school.  If things continue, I may have a lot of my debt paid off by the time I could start grad school.  I’ve missed the deadline for applying for this coming fall.  That’s actually ok.  I still have to take the GRE.  I am thinking about two options.  The first is the more likely of the two.  I’m considering the Mass Comm graduate program at the University of Minnesota.  My major would be Mass Comm with an emphasis on communication processes, structures, and effects.  The minor would be in feminist / gender studies.  The second option would be at the Annenberg School for Communication, which is part of USC.  That’s like…the premier of schools for communication, and it’d be difficult to get in…and pay for.  But I might as well try, right?

There’s a position opening up in Chippewa Falls at a dentist office.  It’s not glamorous. It’s a receptionist position.  I know the owner / dentist, and she’s a really awesome person.  She’s a friend of mine and Chris’.  She actually mentioned it to me.  It’ll be opening up in July.  If I apply and get that, I’d move in with Chris.  He’s moving into a house that costs $700 a month to rent.  It’s much bigger than my current place and is cheaper.  We’d be splitting costs.  So bills would be cut down by a significant amount.  I’d go from $760 a month in rent to $350.  Plus, I’d be living with my best friend.  We’ve done that before and we know it works.  So neither of us is worried.

It’s a big move, but at the same time, I think it’s the right one.  I’ll be happier.  The job is much lower stress.  Paying bills will be easier.  And with the lower stress job…I might be able to get more done on goals of mine.  Right now, I work my job and when I come home, I don’t want to go back to work.  So nothing gets done.  If I had a low stress job, things might be different.  So I’m strongly considering it.

My big concern has been freelance and whether I’d keep it.  Honestly, I can’t see why I’d lose work.  I have an ftp site, and most of the work I do has web delivered content.  I’ll probably be down in Milwaukee once a month to meet with people and work on some longer term projects.  It could prove even more lucrative than staying here.  That’s my hope at least.  I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Podcast news…I’m working on an ambitious approach to my next few.  This upcoming one will be about the difference between gender identity and sexual orientation.  I’m going to start shooting this weekend.  I’ll probably shoot some of the middle of it during the week, and hopefully it’ll be online sometime late next week.  I’ll post about it.  The ones after that one will be a three part series.  :D   Aren’t you excited?!! I am.

OK…I have to get up early tomorrow.  I’m leaving work for an early lunch tomorrow to help a friend go to a doctor’s appointment.  I want to get to work earlier to make up for the time.  Hopefully I’ll find some time to post another update before next Tuesday.  Have a good week otherwise. :D

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Posted in Employment, Freelance, Goals, Uncategorized, friends | 1 Comment »

Drag show

Monday, March 2nd, 2009

That’s right. I went to a drag show.  If you’ve read any of the posts from years ago, you may have noticed that I’m not a fan of drag shows.  I’ve often found them to be degrading and insulting to the trans community.  Of course, I was watching drag shows done by college students…specifically the college students at UWEC.  Needless to say those weren’t very good.

The show I saw on Saturday night was performed by a group of professionals that put on these shows regularly.  There wasn’t an offensive aspect of them at all.  For the first time, I was able to see the statement that drag shows were intended to make.  I had a good time.  A few years ago…I don’t think you’d hear me say that.

This show was a little different.  It was a drag king show.  For those of you that don’t know, a drag king is a female identified person that dresses as a male identified person.  As with any drag show, the goal is to make fun of stereotypes while entertaining the viewers.  The performances were fun and I laughed a lot.  I have two friends that are directly involved with the group, and they were also thrilled to see me there.  I believe the statement made when I came in the door was “YOU FINALLY CAME!!!”.  Haha.

I was invited to go to the show by my friend Tracy, of whom is awesome.  She’s nerdtastic like I am.  She knew so many people there.  I’m not very connected to the community here at all.  I felt a little awkward, but turns out I know many of the performers.  I shot the video for the wedding of my two friends that are members.  So I saw a lot of the performers there.  I doubt they’d remember me though.  One or two did, which was nice. :)

After the show, Tracy decided to go to the after party.  So I went with.  I haven’t been out to a bar in ages.  Aside from the usual cloud of smoke, it was fun.  In fact, I ran into a friend there.  Kate, a girl I met on myspace about a year and a half ago, was also there.  Oddly, despite us living near each other and being friends for so long, we’d never actually met in person before.  It was really cool getting to say hi and talk for once.  Turns out we have good in person chemistry.  It’s always the worst when you have a friend from online, and in person you have nothing to say.  She’d like to get coffee sometime.  I’ll take her up on that.  It’d be nice to have another friend to hang out with in the area.

The other random thing that happened…the drag group has a person shooting video of the events with a Sony HDV prosumer grade camera.  It’s a V1U type variety.  I’ve used them before.  I was eyeing it up, and later on I said hi to the camera girl.  We chatted and she gave me her business card.  Later, she was at the after party, and we got to talking.  She seemed really nice.  We chatted a lot about the biz and what kind of work we do.  It was a good conversation, and I think she likes me.  She told me to e-mail or call.  So I will.  Though it’ll be difficult if she is interested.  As I pointed out in an earlier post…I’m not really dating.

I’ve started work on the next podcast.  I set up a more standard format as suggested by my friend Mike.  I think it’ll work very well.  I also have started brainstorming future podcasts. I’m thinking it’ll be fun to start doing series of podcasts on one subject.  Like…do one episode, expand on the concept the next, and complete the issue on the third.  There’s so much to talk about, and it’s hard to pick each one.

Oh I have to write about this since it’s so karmic.  I tend to make myself nice meals on the weekends.  I figure, I have the time, I’m relaxed, and well…I need good food once in a while, right?  So Saturday I set out to make myself some szechuan beef and chicken.  I found a great recipe online and went out and got the few ingredients I needed.  It took me about two hours to prepare with the mincing of the ginger root, garlic, chopping up all the vegetables, slicing up the meat, etc.  It was one of the best meals I’ve ever made though.  I had to have a kleenex box on the table with me because my nose was running due to the spiciness.  Holy crap was it awesome.

Sunday night I decided to make myself a Chicken ranch pizza since I don’t make those often.  I started making the crust dough in my bread machine, and for once, it wasn’t turning out very well.  The recipe was short on water.  That was an omen right there.  I used the dough anyway.  I prepared the pizza like I always do, but this time, it got very overcooked.  What a waste! I ate the food anyway, but it wasn’t the most fantastic thing ever.  What a contrast between Saturday and Sunday!

I’ve been fighting with Scarlet lately.  She’s been being naughty.  I can’t seem to get her to stay out of the couch.  She climbs inside thinking its a play area, and she chews on parts of it.  She’s surrounded by all the mechanicals of the couch too.  So it’s not very safe in there.  She’s not quite associating getting put in the bathroom by herself with what she did yet.  I think I may have to get some animal repellent and put it in the couch on a rag or something.  I need to somehow associate negativity with it.  If you have other suggestions, let me know.

I’ve had a lot of ideas lately for site designs.  I get very frustrated trying to see them into fruition.  My perfectionism holds me back as usual.  I can’t get it to look exactly as I see it in my head, and due to that, I get discouraged.  I’ll press on though.  It’ll just take me longer.  I know what colors I’m going to use for my JessicaJaniuk.com site design.  It’s going to be a much brighter palette than is there now.  I think once I get it done, I’ll feel a lot better.

OK. I better leave it here.  This post is almost as long as “Twitterpated”.  Sorry Adam…it’s still not 1337 words long.  I’m short by a couple hundred.  Maybe next time. :)

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Posted in Goals, Podcast stuff, Web Design, friends | 2 Comments »

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