Sometimes I feel just like that old song “Born under a Bad Sign” by Albert King.   It certainly seems like if it weren’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have no luck at all.  Suffice to say, I got some bad news recently.  It came in the form of a notice that my former employer has appealed the decision made by the unemployment office.

So, life went from possible upward outlook and a little bit of hope to me freaking out.  I did a little bit of research and made a few calls to find out that there is a possibility that in the situation that the ruling is overturned and that my elligibility is revoked, I may have to repay the money I’ve received from unemployment which leaves me destitute.  I will be completely broke and have no life line at all.

After I heard about that, I suddenly was uncertain as what to do.  Do I live my life as usual, paying bills, buying food, and so forth?  Or do I stop spending money in the case that I have to repay it all?  I came to the conclusion today that I really have no choice.  I have to pay my bills and buy food.  I won’t be spending frivolously, but I have to cover expenses.  I will deal with the money issue if the  hearing results in a worst case scenario.

So, what has all of this done to me?  Oh boy, well…I’m not doing so well.  I was getting better from this cold, but I think I’ve gone a little bit backwards since getting the notice.  My sleep is not so great.  I’ve been having terrible dreams.  My complexion has taken a turn.  I’m breaking out.  I’m preoccupied with thoughts about what could possibly happen mixed with anger towards my former employer.  Just for once it’d be nice to have them treat me with the slightest bit of decency and respect as a human being.  Really I just want to move on and forget about them.  Unfortunately for the next three to four weeks, I have to be stressed and worried.

The interesting thing is that the packet of information that I received from the hearing office has totally the wrong information about my termination.  It says I failed a background check and was let go last October.  Someone at my former employer has some wrong records.  Maybe with that, the case will get resolved quickly.  The way things have gone so far though…I’m not so hopeful.  Wouldn’t it be nice if things just swung my way for once though?  Keep me in your thoughts and prayers if you would.  I would very much appreciate it.

As a result of all of this, I’ve been a lot more active in pursuing full time employment.  I’ve gotten my resume out there to a few places and am hopeful that I’ll hear back.

Another thing that this has been a catalyst for has been to help me understand the level of depression I’m going through right now.  I never really paid much attention to my depression throughout my life, but it has really always been there.  I’ve realized that I’m chronically depressed.  It’s just been at certain points that I’ve been able to cope with that depression better than others.  College was probably the height of that ability to cope.  I’d say that came with the euphoria and excitement of transition.

My friend Leah and I were talking the other day about transition and depression.  I frequently get from many people, trans identified or otherwise, that I’ve “already gone through the most difficult part of my life by transitioning and must be insanely happy now.”  Unfortunately this is a huge misunderstanding of what transition is and does for a person.

Transition is great, but transitioning does not immediately bring happiness along with it.  There is a certain euphoria, as I mentioned, that comes along with the excitement of the journey.  Once you’ve gotten through most of that journey, the euphoria wears off.  It’s just not so exciting anymore.  Life becomes just as monotonous as it was.  The difference is that the turmoil that was experienced before transition from inside is no longer there.  To put it simply…simply existing inside my own skin didn’t royally suck anymore.  That doesn’t mean that I was eternally happy then.  As Leah put it:  Transitioning doesn’t make someone happy.  It enables a person to be happy.

That means simply this.  Life without transition will suck no matter what.  Life with transition has the potential to not suck.  The difference…you don’t hate yourself anymore.  If your external life, like your job, your family life, your financial life, your love life, your social life, or any combination thereof sucks…life still has a very big potential to stink.  Right now for me…outside of being happy with myself, life is pretty much down the tubes.  So, until things turn around…no…I’m not insanely happy.  I’m actually pretty seriously depressed.

I’ve been thinking about how to classify this in my book.  I think I’ve entered the third chapter of my story.  Chapter 1 was the journey up to transition.  Chapter 2 was transition, college, and a short time thereafter.  Chapter 3 is what I’ve started calling “the Reckoning”, like when you’re playing the game of life and have to stop at the day of reckoning.  That’s where I am.  Everything from stability, money, love, and even my emotional state, has been taken from me.

I’ve had the classic signs of depression.  I’m keeping late hours.  I don’t like getting up in the morning because I’d much prefer dream land.  When I am awake, I want to avoid facing the real issues.  I have no motivation to take on projects.  I feel kind of numb.  I just want to escape all the time into a world where none of the mundane life issues exist.  It’s been hard.  I wish I could afford a therapist, because I think I could really use one.

With that in mind,  the website updates are going slowly.  I have been taking them a day at a time.  I have content on Transcending Productions site now, and today I fixed some of the layout issues.  Yesterday I got the ajax calls to work like I wanted.  Tomorrow I’m going to adapt the calls to see if I can add cross fade effects.  I want to have a “what we do” page up too.  I spend an hour here and an hour there on it.  Slowly it’ll get finished.  That’s how I have to take things right now though.

Speaking of web stuff, I went to the Chippewa Valley Ruby on Rails group on Thursday.  No surprise that I was the only girl there.  My former colleague, Brian, was showing me the ropes with a few technologies including Ruby on Rails, Cucumber, haml, Staticmatic, and some others.  I have to say, seeing what he can do makes me feel very humbled.  He’s incredibly gifted with programming.  I mean…he writes books on these things that get published and so forth.  So I hope I can learn a fraction of what he knows.

Today Chris and I finished the Avatar animated series.  It was a fantastic finale to an incredible series.  I loved every minute of that show…if you couldn’t tell from the frequent comments on it.  I will spare the rambling statements of praise other than to say…awesome.  I will miss the characters.  It’s like saying goodbye to close friends.  Thank you Nickelodeon for a great show!

Last night, Chris made a huge effort to get me out of my depressed funk by taking me out.  We met up with Chris(tine), our dentist friend, Jessie, Lot, and Josh to eat at TGI Fridays.  We had fantastic food and even got free desserts!  Afterwards we went bowling.  It was what they call “Thunder Bowling”, which most people would identify as midnight bowling.  They do that whole special colored pin thing where if it’s the head pin and you bowl a strike, you get to spin a prize wheel.

The first game was ok.  I bowled a 145.  The second game was much more exciting.  Chris bowled a 52 for the first game…one of his worst ever.  His second game was incredible.  He started off with two strikes and a spare.  I started off with a split that I…get this…coverted!  I’ve never done that before!  Chris and I were in decent competition until I pulled away towards the end.  I ended up with a 163.  Chris was in the 150s.  It was one of his best!

The best part happened when Thunder Bowling was just about over.  When the five minute mark hit, we were told that any strike would allow us a spin at the wheel.  Immediately Chris bowled a strike and went to spin the wheel.  He was disappointed when he landed on the Joker instead of the ones that had actual dollar amounts.  Then he was shocked to find out that it means he won the jackpot $100 prize!  I followed that up with another strike and unfortunately I only won $2, but it was $2 more than I had.  I’m not complaining.  At the end of the night, Chris and I actually made money going out to eat and bowling than if we had stayed home.  How awesome is that?

Anyway, it’s past 1:30 in the morning, and I’m starting to feel the sleep set in.  Thank you all for sticking with these long posts.  I know I get long winded, and frequently.  I really appreciate your readership.  Sweet dreams everyone!