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Love and Change

Tuesday, May 25th, 2010

I’m sorry, world! I’ve been lazy for two months with my blog.  I guess I can sit here and make excuses like working on the weekends, youth group stuff, seeing someone, fencing stuff, a new camera…but we all know they’d just that…excuses.  So, I apologize.  What’s that you say?  I said some things in that list that are surprising?  And what else?…you want to know about them?  Well tough…I’m not talking.

OK I lied.  I am talking. We’ll start with the juicy stuff…fencing!   What? You thought I was going to talk about something else first?  Too bad.  So yeah, I’ve been fencing a lot.  It’s been way fun.  I’ve learned that I’m not defending my left leg well enough.  I have had several nasty bruises three over the past several months.  One of them was pretty large…about the diameter of a soda can.  The worst part was because I had already been “killed”.  I didn’t call the hit fast enough and because of that I got hit again.  Anyway, it took a few weeks to heal.  It’s awesome though.  I consider the bruises a badge of honor.  There’s something about the pain from a sport like fencing that I think a lot of us like to own.

I’m getting more and more confident with my skills.  My instructors aren’t taking it easy on me anymore.  They’ve been making it quite clear to me that I have a bit of natural talent.  I was told a few Wednesdays back that they’ve rarely seen such “clean kills” as what I was throwing.  It was by the book (Capo Ferro) apparently.  I was doing things like playing with measure (basically the range of someone’s full extended lunge and blade) and getting inside without being noticed by my opponent.  I was also taking my opponent’s blade off line (on line is an angle that would kill you) and sliding right down their sword to kill them. I didn’t even realize that I was doing these things when they were happening.  So I guess that’s a sign of good training.  When my instructor told me that, I was pretty giddy.  It’s neat to hear I’m doing well.  Fencing is a lot of fun.

In other news, I worked a lot of extra weekend days over the past couple months.  It was a bit stressful due to the shortened weekends, but the benefits ended up being fantastic.  I’d been dreaming of getting a new camera for a long while.  I’m sure there are mentions of it in my blog posts past.  Now, however, it is a true reality.  As of the first days of May, I bought a brand new Canon Rebel T2i.  It’s a flippin’ awesome camera.  It’s a Digital SLR (Single Lens Reflux), and shoots at 18 megapixels.  It not only does still photos, but it also shoots very nice full 1080p HD video.  I can do anything from standard def all the way up to the top of the broadcast HD range.  It’s pretty cool.

So I’ve had it almost a full month now, and it’s been worth it so far.  I’ve already shot about 400 images with it.  Chris and I went to the zoo and snapped some fun photos. I’ve also started taking it with me wherever I go.  So, I’ve been able to get some interesting shots that I normally wouldn’t.  For example, I went to a garden and pond shop with Dr. Chris, my friend and Dentist.  It had just rained, and they had bloomed water lillies there.  I took some beautiful pics of them.  They’ll be posted after the blog post to enjoy.

I’ve got a nice wish list of accessories I’m going to be getting eventually as well.  For example, I’ll be getting a new flash, a camera frame, battery grip, extra batteries, and an inflatable diffuser.  I’ve also dropped some hefty cash for a nice lens.  It’s a Tamron 18 mm – 270 mm, which is  a rather large range for a telephoto lens.  It’s been very worth the money so far.  I’ve always been told by my pro video / photo friends to never skimp on the glass.  So I didn’t.

OK…so you’re probably wondering about the “seeing someone” I mentioned earlier, right.  Well…I’ll tell you about it then.  But FIRST, you totally want to hear about my amazing ability to drink copious amounts of coffee through a straw…standing on my HEAD!  Ok, fine, that’s a lie.  I guess I’ll tell you about only the most amazing person I’ve ever met.

Her name is Jessica Swanner….Dr. Jessica Swanner (yes I know you haven’t defended your dissertation yet, hun).  Everyone asks if it’s awkward with having the same name, but it really hasn’t been.  We know who we’re talking to.  It’s everyone else that has trouble.  Anyway, she’s pretty amazing.  She’s beautiful, smart, sexy, nerdy, and a huge dork….all of the perfect qualities I’ve been looking for.  She reads comic books, plays video games, and yeah…I’m so in love.

We met online.  Yahoo Personals…what is it with that site and me finding great matches there.  We hit it off from the get go really.  The hard part is that it’s long distance.  I have a long history with long distance relationships, and this is the longest one I’ve been in yet.  She lives presently in Arkansas, but she will be moving to upstate New York for her new job in the fall.  So, it’s not just a quick hour drive to see each other.  It’s been tough, but we’ve managed so far, and quite well actually.

Jess came up here to Chippewa Falls to visit about a week and a half ago.  She was here for about 9 days, and I think it’s easy to say that it was probably the best 9 days I’ve had since…maybe since my transition.  It was pure bliss the entire time.  It felt like I found my other half.  And then just as quickly as she arrived, it was time for her to leave.  That was unbelievably hard to say goodbye to her.  She is currently teaching a summer course, and she had to be back to start.  The good news is that she’ll be back in about a month for a longer period of time.  The bad news is it feels like a part of me is missing now.  It’s been difficult for both of us.  We have only gone one or two days since without video chatting.

Jess is actually a year younger than me, and she already has her doctorate.  It’s really made me rethink a lot of things.  I actually find myself wanting to better myself because of her.  She did get to see me give a lecture in a class while she was here, and she told me that it was awesome and that I’m an amazing speaker.  That is incredibly uplifting since I’ve felt like I’ve gotten a bit stale at it lately.  I find myself wondering what I want to do next with my life though.  I’m really finding myself at a crossroads.  I’m jut not sure.

Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy my job, and I’m not about to drop everything for something new.  However, I’ve always felt I can do more.  I feel like I have a bunch of untapped skill that I’m really not utilizing.  One of the possibilities in the future depending on several things is that I may end up moving.  If Jess’ job becomes tenure track, I’d probably pick up and move up to New York in a year or so.  If that’s the case, what do I make a career out of there?

I’ve not really mentioned this before except for a few close friends, but I’ve gone back and forth over…not really disappearing out of the trans community, but more of not making it be so much of a focus in my life.  I mean really, I haven’t made it a huge focus as is, but I’ve always had goals to do more.  I’ve debated whether my voice is even valuable with all the new voices out there.  I’ve had many people say otherwise, that my voice is important.  I’ve also witnessed other friends in the trans community move on.  So, it’s been on my mind.

I think what I’m realizing now is that maybe instead of thinking about moving on, I should hit it head on.  Maybe I should find a talent agent, get a book deal, and just become a professional blogger and speaker.  I could perhaps start up a non-profit like I’ve talked about in the past as well.  I know I’ve talked about writing my book several times.  Jess thinks I should and that it’d be really valuable. There are a lot of options, and the good news is that I don’t have to make any quick decisions.  Still, I’d love to get opinions if people have them to share.  I could use the help.

So yeah, Jessica has really made me think a lot about things.  I’ve never had someone have that kind of impact on me before.  She is truly amazing.  Isn’t it funny that my last post in March I was sad about not being able to find someone and not even a week after I wrote that post, Jessica appeared in my life.  Chris told me that it was like night and day.  I was really down and then I was happier than he’d seen me in a very long time.  I should really stop bragging though.

I have been very distracted though.  I have been so busy with stuff like the youth group I volunteer for, the community center that I’ve been actively involved in, Pridefest stuff, and just trying to have a bit of time to relax.  I have barely been able to keep up.  Some things have fallen behind.  I haven’t had a free moment to touch the Pridefest video.  It’s ready for me to cut, but I just haven’t been able to organize the time.  Obviously my blog writing time took a hit too.  Even my Memorial Day weekend is busy.  I’m going to be in the Twin Cities shooting a wedding.  In a week or so I have some freelance video work.  I think my schedule slows down after mid June.  I can’t wait.  Maybe I’ll have time to enjoy the summer weather then.  We’ll see.

I think this is a good place to leave it for now though.  The question of the blog:  If you were in my shoes, what do you think my best options for the future are?

I hope all is well with you and that you’re having a wonderful Spring. Oh, and I apologize if I induced any vomiting from my excessive gushing regarding my girlfriend. :P

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Posted in Love, Personal Growth, Transgender | 1 Comment »

Straight Women…

Sunday, March 28th, 2010

Holy crap, it’s been a month!  Why didn’t someone tell me?!!  It’s been a busy time, that’s for sure.  I’ve actually been enjoying it, though it’s nice to get time to de-stress once in a while.  I haven’t had much of that lately, and most likely things will remain busy for a few months.  I’m thinking after June actually.  I can’t complain though.  Things have been pretty good lately.  I’d like to eventually get on a weekly blogging schedule though.  It’d be easier in the long run.

Straight Women

Ah the title of the post…Straight women are the bane of my most recent existence.  I’ve been actively seeking out love lately, and things have been a bit rough going.  About two and a half weeks ago, I went to hang out with a friend of mine for the first time.  We went to a nearby restaurant and had this adorable waitress. For some reason, I actually had the courage to flirt with her.  I was giving her eyes and a lot of attention every time she came by.  Oddly, she seemed to be returning it.  Then, I made mention in passing about my fencing, and she got really interested and started asking questions.  I answered what I could, and then I told her it was free.  I started explaining when practices are, but explained that there were some disruptions coming up.  So I asked if I could just call her with info…which got me her number.  When she gave it to me, she said I could call her with info.  I then laid it on thick and was like…”Can I call you anyway?” to which she responded very distinctly and with a smile “Yes”.  There were plenty of clear messages going back and forth, or so it seemed to me and my friend.

I called her a few days later, and I got her voice mail.  I left a message that was cutesy saying who I was and if we’d like to talk fencing or…other stuff…as I put it.  She called back and left a message that said she was interested in both.  Again…to me clear messages going back and forth…  The next night I called her, and her boyfriend answered the phone.  I then got to talk to her, and it was a pleasant conversation.  She explained a bit about herself and I myself, and it became very clear very quickly that she had no clue that I was flirting with her at the restaurant.  She just thought I was a cool girl that was all about making new friends.  So…I just let her think that.  It was pretty disappointing for me, not going to lie.  I believe it was that night that I posted on twitter “My new motto is ‘Expect Disappointment and you’ll never be disappointed’.  As pessimistic as that may be, it surely seems true.  At least I made a new friend, right?

Enter part two… I’m on okcupid, and I have been chatting it up with this girl.  We’re connecting.  Our conversations are stimulating.  I’m really liking her and I’m thinking she likes me.  I have noticed her profile says straight, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything.  There’s a whole slew of reasons why someone might post their profile as straight while being not straight.  I assume nothing.  Well…I decided to ask just to be sure, and sure enough…she’s straight.  She’s just looking for friends.  That’s cool…again, just disappointing.  We’ve actually become fast friends and are chatting a lot.  So good has come out of it, but doesn’t change the fact that it was hard to hear that another person I’m attracted to isn’t interested.  Twice in one week.

So yeah…straight girls…

Loneliness

A lot of things have impacted my emotional state lately.  The straight girl situation is one of them.  All in all though, my desires to find someone have pushed forward, and now I’m just starting to feel incredibly lonely.  I have great friends, but I have no one I can cuddle up next to.  I’ve been dealing with some highs and lows lately because of it.  I’ll get through it, but it’s been a bit rough lately.

OkCupid

Like I said, I’m on OkCupid now, and at first my expectations were good.  I thought with it being free, there’d be a lot more people on there.  Unfortunately, the actuality has been a bit disappointing.  I’ve had some responses here and there, but what’s happened is the women I’m attracted to aren’t responding back to me, the people I don’t want to talk to are contacting me a lot, and I’ve also had the aforementioned straight girl situation.  So the reality is that it hasn’t really improved my outlook.

I have had lots of luck in the past with Yahoo Personals.  So this morning, I signed up for a month.  I will see how that goes.  There’s also the possibility of www.plentyoffish.com, which has been recommended by several people.  So we’ll see.  I usually hate that phrase though.  My mother always said that to me after a breakup.  I don’t get fishing analogies.

New Friends

The upside to okcupid and the straight girl scenario is that I’ve made a new friend or two.  I’ve also randomly come across some really cool people that have now become fast friends with  me.  What’s that old phrase…if you can’t beat em? Assimilate them? Shit…I don’t think that’s right.  Oh well.  Anyway, it’s nice to have people to hang out with though.  It feels like I’m really settling into this area, which is cool.  I hope this trend continues.  In fact, I’m considering having a grand party with all of my friends this summer.  I think it’ll be a blast.  I’ll probably announce it on here when it’s going to happen.  So watch for it.

Taxes

I did my taxes finally.  I thought that this year was going to suck as far as taxes are concerned.  After all the freelance, the unemployment, and the lack of business purchases to offset costs, I thought I’d be paying in the thousands.  I was pleasantly shocked to see that it was not the case.  I ended up fairing quite well after all the expenses I had.  The only big one was the laptop I bought for editing and web work.  It ended up making the biggest difference.  In the end, I made out with a net positive.  So, with that, one of my new years resolutions is on the brink of coming true.  I will be paying off all my furniture debt this coming week.  I’m looking forward to it.  One less bill a month.

Camera

In other good news, one of my long standing goals is about to come true.  I’m going to buy a shiny new camera.  I’ve wanted something to shoot high quality video with.  With the advent of the latest Canon cameras being able to do really nice still photos as well as full 1080p high definition video, it’s a great option for me.  I’ve been working extra at work, which is brining in some extra money.  Along with a few other financial improvements of late, I actually am in a great position to buy this camera, and perfect timing too.  I have a wedding for a family member to shoot in a month or so, and I want a secondary camera to shoot stuff at Pridefest with.   So this will serve so many uses.  I’m going to be selling my original camera, and I’ve already got a buyer.  So, it’s going to be awesome.  I’ll be sure to post stuff on here for all to see.

Speaking in Audrey’s class

I got the opportunity to speak in my favorite professor’s class again recently.  If you recall in a previous post, I didn’t think it went as well the last time I did this.  So I was a bit more nervous about this presentation.  I changed up the format again.  Audrey (the professor) always asks her students to look at my website and come up with questions to ask me prior to my visit.  I get access to those questions.  What I decided to do was actually structure the discussion around the questions asked.  It actually worked quite well.  This was perhaps the best presentation I’ve ever given.  I think the response was fantastic!  I had a lot of fun.

There were a couple of students that wrote very religious comments that I decided to just skip over.  I do not feel that I need to or should read comments that are hurtful and prejudiced, despite the perhaps good intentions they were written with.  Religious intolerance is probably the biggest issue that affects the LGBT community, and because of that, I didn’t hold back as far as that part of my story is concerned.  I talked about how I do not identify as Christian anymore.  I told the story of the pastor basically kicking me out of the church and God’s people turning their back on me.  I explained that I never felt that God hated me, made a mistake with me, or ever did anything other than love me.  Hopefully those words didn’t fall on deaf ears.

Dentist Visit

Chris and my good friend, Chris (yes, I know that’s confusing), is also our dentist.  I haven’t gone in about a year or more.  It was time.  So I made an appointment and went in.  I knew something was wrong and that I most likely had a cavity.  As it happens, I had three…maybe even four.  I had no idea.  I’ve mentioned in the past that I have a high pain tolerance.  When I was shown which teeth had problems, I was surprised.  I felt no pain or discomfort.

So this past week, I went in to get half of them taken care of.  Apparently they only do one half of the mouth at a time.  Personally, I’d rather just get them all done at once, but I wasn’t given that choice.  I doubt they had that much time open anyway.  I have to say…the dental hygienist / assistant to the dentist was quite attractive.  She’s, of course, quite straight, but attractive nonetheless.  In a few weeks I get the rest taken care of.  Then I can move on to making an appointment with my eye doctor.  Hooray!

Youth Group

The youth group has been a lot of fun so far.  I feel a lot more confident now than when I was a mentor the first time.  Maybe it’s because I’ve matured a lot since then.  I think it helps that I’m past all the transition stuff.  Anyway, I’ve really enjoyed working with the kids.  I think this group will soak up a lot of my energies in the future, which is good.  It doesn’t feel draining in the slightest.  Maybe that says a lot about what I should be devoting my time to in life.

Question of the blog

What is your most disappointing story when it comes to finding love?

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Posted in Goals, LGBT, Love, Transgender, depression, friends, spirituality | 4 Comments »

Remembering

Thursday, November 26th, 2009

Marking Time

Normally I post about every two weeks.  I held off on posting this time because I wanted to mark time.  Today was Thanksgiving.  A year ago today I was given a rude awakening by someone I loved.  I also had my heart torn from me to which I’m still healing from.  It was important to me to specifically remember this day…this night.

A year ago, Jenn, my ex girlfriend, abruptly broke up with me after what I thought was a beautiful relationship.  She was honest and forthright when she broke it off, and for that I’m thankful.  It didn’t change the hurt, but it was the decent way to do it.  I’ve been thinking a lot about that night for the past year.  It truly changed me.  Suddenly I saw flaws in myself that I found myself shocked that I never saw before.  For that reason, I felt ashamed of myself.  Yes, I know we all have flaws.  It’s just…finding out that you have an ego problem and talk down to people when you hate it when other people do that…it’s like a bad dream.  I only hope that I’ve at least somewhat gotten past that ego.  I don’t want it, and I never want to be that person.

I’m glad Jenn broke up with me for that reason alone.  Now…that aside, I had something happen to me recently that made me think.  Chris and I have been watching How I Met Your Mother lately.  We watched the episode “Slap Bet”, and in it, Neil Patrick Harris’ character talks about what he calls an “O moment”.  By that he means that when you’re dating someone, and they do something that makes you go “Ohhhhh….” and think “yeah, this isn’t going to work.”  For Jenn, realizing my ego existed was her O moment.  She told me so and even referenced the episode of HIMYM during the breakup.  I hadn’t seen the episode at the time.  I found it interesting that I saw the episode about a year after she decided to break if off.

I have a problem with this concept of “O moments”.  Sure we have issues with the people we date, but there should never really be just one thing that does it in, unless it’s something serious, like murder, rape, etc.   She couldn’t a. get passed my ego at the time, b.  ever mention it to me and c. work with me on my own quest to change.  Instead she wanted to just dump me.  To me that says that she wasn’t worth my time.  If she couldn’t accept me at my worst, then she didn’t deserve me at my best.

One year later, I can definitely say I’m over her.  I’m happy that she broke up with me now.  I think it was good for me to learn my faults.  I also think in the long run, I probably wouldn’t have been happy with her.  So it’s all for the best.  I really don’t know when I will date again.  While I may be over Jenn, I still have a lot to work on as far as my own issues go.  I’m sure that will be a life long journey.  I’m in no rush, and being in a smaller city, I don’t have as many opportunities to date.  Who knows, but I’m sure I’ll write about it when it happens.

Day of Rememberance

Yup, lot of remembering in this post.  Last week Friday was the Transgender Day of Remembrance.  I spent the day lecturing at Menomonie High School and UW Stout, both in Menomonie, WI.

At 10:00 am, I was in the auditorium at the High School, and wow…I have never had attendance like that before.  There were 250 some students.  Hands down, that was the smoothest presentation I have given in a long time.  The group was really engaged and asked a lot of questions.  I thought I was going to be intimidated by such a large group, but it wasn’t an issue.  I actually got asked so many questions that I forgot to talk about the film “Transamerica”, which was requested by one of the teachers.  I felt a bit bad about that.  Considering the school has recently had some incidents with bad treatment of LGBT identified students, it sure seems like they are headed in the right direction.  I had about 20 students come up to talk to me right after wards to say thanks and such.  One of them gave me a pride bracelet that they had made for me.  I was not expecting that.  Thank you to the girl that gave me that.  It fits nicely.

UW Stout was also a good time, though the turn out was low.  I can’t say that I’m surprised considering it was a Friday afternoon.  A lot of college students are quick to head for home on Fridays.  Still, for the people that were there, it went very well.  I know some of the things I said really impacted some of the people there.  They came up and told me so afterwards.  I was even asked for my autograph!  That’s never happened before.

That night I also was hosting drop in night at the LGBT Community Center.  We had good conversation.  It was a long day, and I was exhausted by the end of it.  I want to say though, it was an honor to be able to represent the Transgender community on such an important day.  Every year we lose so many to hate and fear.  I only hope that my efforts, and the efforts of all the other trans advocates out there, we can fight that fear and hatred through education and awareness.

Car problems

I had a bit of a scare with my car during the past few weeks.  About two weeks ago, I was leaving work, and suddenly my car wouldn’t start.  I almost drained the battery trying to get it to turn over.  It was odd…and out of the blue.  I had to call Chris to come pick me up.  My car sat in the parking lot for the weekend until I could have it towed.

The mechanic wasn’t sure what it was at first because, surprise, he could start it just fine.  They thought maybe the fuel pump was going.  Upon looking, the fuel filter needed to be changed badly.  So, I got that done, and now it seems to be running fine.  I had one more incident when it wouldn’t start, but since then, no problems.  That’s good because I don’t have the 650 bucks it would cost to fix.

Swords

I know I may have said at one point that I likely wouldn’t go back to fencing, but it looks like I may.  Chris, Josh, and I watched a film called “Reclaiming the Blade”, which talks about the history of swords and their use in fighting.  Specifically it talks about groups today re-learning the historical ways of fighting with them using old manuscripts.  It was fascinating.

Josh didn’t know that there was a fencing group in the Chippewa Valley.  He had no idea that I had learned fencing of sorts in college and had attended a similar group in Milwaukee.  He was so excited because he’s always wanted to learn how to fence.  So, we, as a group, decided that we’re going to start going to the fencing group together starting in January.  It’ll be great to have people to train with and learn with at the same level.  I’m sure there will be many a photo taken, which I will post here.

New Website

Gendeverse is coming along.  It looks like I’m going to go with Drupal, mainly due to its flexibility.  I don’t know what the site will grow into and Wordpress may be too limiting.  I have a logo design done, and I’m working on a site design.  I like the color scheme, and I think it’s going to be quite classy.  My goal is to launch by the new year.

As mentioned in the last post, I talked about a friend that would make a great asset to Genderverse.  If you are following Genderverse on twitter, I put him in charge of that account, and he’s been doing some amazing things.  He is none other than Adam Chernow, and he is teh awesome.  Thanks Adam for being teh awesome.  There couldn’t be a better person to manage the twitter feed for us.

Hollywood

I wish I could use that title to say something like “Yeah, Hollywood called me to talk about movie rights to my life”, but I’m not that amazing.  I wish I was, but I’m not.  Anyway, what I can say is that I have a friend that has followed my blog for years.  She happens to work out in Hollywood as a producer and editor.  She has offered to help me get my career started out there if ever I want it.

How cool is that?!!  I can easily say that it has been my dream to work out there doing films / TV etc.  I remember my mother saying so many times that I put too much of myself out there with this blog, but it has never been a negative thing for me.  It’s only opened doors.  This is one of those that I never would have expected, and it’s totally amazing.

That said, I’m not in any hurry to run out to California.  While it’s a dream, I’m not ready for it yet.  I’m actually in quite a good and comfortable place right now.  I like my job.  I like my living situation.  I like how things are shaping up with my speaking career and advocacy work.  I have plenty of time.  I’m going to ensure that my skills are in shape, and maybe in five years, I’ll move out there.  It’s nice to know I have a plan, and who knows…plans change.  We’ll see what the universe has in store for me.

Giving Thanks

Before I say good night, I want to just say a few things I’m thankful for.  I’m thankful for my family, my friends, my fans, good food, bad jokes, people who laugh at bad jokes, my job, my fellow advocates in the trans community, the interwebs, icanhascheezburger.com, my car still running, having a warm bed to sleep in, life, and love.  There are so many more things I could say, but I’ll leave it at that.  Thanks for reading everyone.

Question of the Blog

What have you experienced in your life that you needed a long time to reflect upon before moving forward?

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Posted in Heartbreak, LGBT, Love, Personal Growth, Transgender, dreams, family, friends | 3 Comments »

Remember Remember the Squirrel of November

Friday, November 6th, 2009

I start this post with some bad news.  Today I hit a squirrel while driving to work.  I know some people think they’re rodents and don’t matter, but I still was sad about it.  I tried to dodge, but as Yoda would say…there is no try.  I heard the “thump” and knew.  I saw the damage in my rear view mirror.  I had squashed a life.  Poor little fuzzy…I’m sorry.

Now that the sad part is out of the way, I have had a busy few weeks.  I’ll start as far back as I can.  A Geeky Lady shindig was three weeks ago.  It was a great time.  I got to see @tapps, @jennaddenda, and @ashedryden; three of my geekiest lady friends.  We spent the evening behind the glow of laptop screens.  It was really great to catch up with them.  I need to visit more often.

While I was home, I also got to meet Fezzik, my little sister’s new boxer puppy.  He’s a ball of energy and a lot of fun.  I had fun playing with him while catching up with my sister.  Things seem to be going well for her and her husband.  I envy them in a lot of ways.  Anyway, I asked Fezzik if there were many rocks ahead.  He just kind of looked at me funny.  I certainly hope my sister trains him to respond to that line.  Haha.

I also got to see Elden again.  He’s getting bigger!  No surprise.  He’s a baby.  They grow fast.  I got some cute photos of him and my niece, Kalina.  In fact, that Sunday, we had an unplanned family gathering for dinner.  It’s rare we all get together for a meal, and I’m glad I was there for that.

That following Tuesday was my forum at UW Eau Claire.  It went exceedingly well.  The room was moved because we needed a more open venue.  We had a full house, standing room only!  I was blown away.  Even though I’ve been speaking for years on gender issues, I still never feel prepared enough.  That feeling is only increased because I do it so infrequently these days.  Still, about half way into this presentation, I felt my rust shaking off.  Suddenly that groove came back, and I felt confident and comfortable.

I am excited about that.  I just know that my next few presentations are going to be even more stellar.  I’ve got two events coming up on November 20th, the Transgender Day of Remembrance.  I’m going to be very prepared for them and I’m sure they are going to be amazing experiences.  I’m really looking forward to it.  If you’re going to be in the area of UW Stout, stop on by at 2:30 in the afternoon.

I’ve been very motivated lately and have had some great ideas for Genderverse.  Despite my comfort returning in my speeches, I want to stay on top of the latest information.  So I’ve decided to pledge a day a week next year to research and writing time.  I’m going to read an article, book, or something related to gender a week, and I will comment on it through Genderverse.  I think that’s a great idea to learn and to help others learn through it.

My idea for Genderverse is to turn it into almost an online magazine with regular columns and articles.  I want it to be the place to go to for gender related news and commentary.  I’ve already got one person that’s interested in writing.  I’ve got another person I want to ask.  He tweets a lot of articles and cares a lot about the trans community.  I think he’d be a great person to write and give a straight ally / male perspective.   Now I just need a design for the site.  If you have any thoughts, share them in the comments.

So that’s my excitement of late.  I also have to share a bit of sad news.  I visited gpac.org the other day.  GenderPAC was an organization I worked with when I was in college.  It was run by Riki Wilchins, who has been an inspiration and teacher to me through these years.  GenderPAC was great in that they worked towards ending gender discrimination, had a big focus on youth, and were really the first of their kind when it came to their approach to gender.  Upon visiting the site, I discovered they no longer exist.  There’s a letter explaining their history and why they decided to close their doors.  They ended on a proud note.  I hope I can use their inspiration as a launching point for Genderverse.  Thank you, Riki, and the folks of GenderPAC, for all that you have done and that you continue to do even though the organization is no longer.

Two weeks ago was Twin Cities Code Camp.  What is a Code Camp you ask?  Well, it’s a free conference about programming for programmers by programmers.  This was my first one, and I had a good time.  I finally got to start playing with Ruby on Rails, which is really cool.  I also got to meet some awesome people and came home with a free license to Office 2007 (which still hasn’t arrived yet).

One of the issues that came up at the camp was the lack of women in the field.  I was one of maybe 15 women there.  In fact, in one of the breakout sessions, one of the women was openly hit on by a guy…during the presentation.  There are many reasons that women aren’t attracted to the field, and the ever present misogyny is one of them.  I think a lot of it also has to do with the geek taboo.  I think in a lot of ways there’s a bit of a cycle that keeps women out.  The social expectation for developers is that you are a nerdy, socially awkward guy.  Because of that expectation,  a lot of people, including women, avoid the field.  There’s also a bit of the “good ol’ boys” attitude there.  Misogyny has been present in video games for a long time for the same reasons.  I also think a lot of people are pushed out of the field because of the way that programming is taught.  I almost didn’t even have a CS minor because of that very reason, and yet, here I am a developer now.  I’m mostly self taught and from what I’m told, I’m pretty good at it.  Yet, I dropped out of the computer engineering program in my first year.  Something’s wrong there.

Anyway, those are some of my thoughts about the scenario.  I think I will dedicate an entry on genderverse to that topic.  To sum up, I had fun at the code camp and had a lot of energizing conversations about computer science.  Yes, again, I know I am a nerd.  Stop sending me emails telling me that.  I know already.  Thanks.

Halloween was fun.  Chris and I handed out candy to the kids.  We didn’t get as many as we thought we would, but it was still a good time.  That evening, we dressed up and went to Scooters, the gay bar in town, and had a good time.  Chris put the most effort into his costume.  He sewed together two suits, did up some crazy face makeup, and went as two-face.  He got a lot of compliments.  I went with an old standard.  I was “Generic Sith Lord #2″, which is the same outfit I wore at my brother in-law’s 30th birthday party a year or two ago.  We had fun.

Money has been tight tight tight lately.  I had a difficult October, and I blame the fact that my student loans came due.  I may have to put them off another six months until I get some of my other debt paid off.  It shocks me that even though I’m making better money than I was in Milwaukee, and my costs of living are lower, I’m still only scraping by.  I guess I can’t complain though.  I have a job and I have food.  I guess it’s a good thing I’m not dating.  I couldn’t afford it if I was.  I do certainly hope that there will be a time soon that I don’t feel poor.

Question of the blog:  What are your suggestions for Genderverse?  What was the best costume you saw this Halloween?

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Posted in Goals, LGBT, Money, Transgender, family, friends | 2 Comments »

Seven years of Jessica

Thursday, October 1st, 2009

It’s hard to believe, today marks the 7th year of my blog.  On October 1st, 2002, I started my blog, then called my diary, on TransLife.net, which is now a mostly unused site that is in desperate need of a rebuild.  Things certainly have changed in all that time.  It’s hard to believe I began my transition so long ago now.  At 28, I’ve almost lived a third of my life as a woman.

Lately Chris and I have been watching How I Met Your Mother (which is an awesome show by the way), and it has such a strong sense of nostalgia.  Today I feel that nostalgia.  I’ve put a lot of energy into telling my story over the years.  It’s had its ups and downs.  It’s gotten me in trouble.  It’s gotten me notoriety.  I know it’s had an impact on people, because I hear from those people on an almost daily basis.  That makes me feel good.  It by far outweighs any negatives…hands down.

I started this blog with the intention of sharing my story with the world. I wanted to be an example to other trans folk that are too scared of what might happen to them if they came out.  I wanted to help educate the world on trans issues.  Most of all, I wanted to show the world that people who are trans aren’t freaks.  We’re every day people with every day lives that are just like everyone else’s.  I think I can say I accomplished a lot towards those goals.

Over the past seven years, this blog has become more than that collection of goals for me.  This blog truly helps me understand myself better.  It helps me in a very cathartic way too.  I feel like once I’ve written about an issue I have in my personal life, I can almost let that issue go finally.  It helps me get things off my chest.  I truly feel like I’ve become a better person because I’ve written this blog.

It’s a great feeling knowing that I’ve been able to do all of the aforementioned stuff just from a silly thing like a weblog.  OK…I think I’m done with both reflecting on things and patting myself on the back. On to new stuff…

Not much happened since the post on the 15th.  I caught a cold.  That’s been fun.  I’m still recovering.  Let me tell you…I am quite sick of mucus.  I’ve gone through at least three boxes of kleenex.  All things considered, though, it hasn’t been a terrible cold.  It was mainly a head cold.  Lots of congestion, though my ears never did that whole “one ear has different pressure than the other” thing.  Thank god…I hate that.  I’ve just had a raw, runny, drippy nose.

Oh…some progress on this site!  I finished my bio. You should go check it out.  It has fancy lightboxes for the photo displays.  I think I’ll tackle the speaker page next.  I’ve been thinking about speaker fees.  I want to get that online pretty soon.  After that, I’ll tackle the photo gallery / media section.  I’m trying to figure out how to use Ruby to build an xml feed for my photo gallery.  That may take a bit yet.

I’m excited about a shindig that’s planned with some of my Milwaukee friends.  We’re having a geeky lady shindig in a few weeks.  It’s going to be fun, exciting, and nerdy all at the same time.  I’m sure I’ll write about it in an upcoming post.

Chris’ 30th birthday is just over a week away.  About a year ago, I decided I wanted to throw him a surprise party.  That kinda got spoiled when he decided he wanted a superhero costume party instead.  Well and now that’s probably not happening either.  Instead we’re going out to eat.  Amazing how things change.  I’m looking forward to it.

There is a small hang up though.  That same evening is the LGBT Community Center’s annual meeting, which I have to be present at to get elected to the board.  I’ve officially filled out the paperwork and so forth to run for the board.  I talked to the president about the situation, and apparently I definitely have to be physically present at the meeting at least for a portion of it.  So, I’ve worked it out with Chris so that I can disappear for an hour to get elected.  I think it’ll work out just fine.

Money’s been a bit tight this past week.  I have my phone to blame for that.  The bill for the fancy Android powered phone finally came due this month.  I had stored away money for it, but even so, it made things a bit challenging.  I made it through ok though.  That’s really the last big out of budget expense I have. So it should be smooth sailing from here.  That’s a good feeling.  Speaking of good feelings, I also should be getting my health insurance cards any day now.

That’s pretty much it for me.  This is the calm before the storm.  This month is going to be stressful.  I have two speaking gigs, elections, post-elections, party, halloween, best friend birthday, and of course…work.  I hope I have some down time in the coming weeks too.  I guess its good that I’m sick now instead of later.

Wow…a post shorter than 1000 words.  I can’t remember when the last post was this short.  Oh, before I forget…Question of the blog:  Chris an I are of the mindset that turning 30 will be great and that our 30s will be our best years.  Are you looking forward to your 30s? / Were your 30s awesometastic or craptacular?

Tune in next time for more excitement!

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Posted in LGBT, Personal Growth, Transgender, history, sick | 2 Comments »

If it weren’t for bad luck…

Sunday, June 7th, 2009

Sometimes I feel just like that old song “Born under a Bad Sign” by Albert King.   It certainly seems like if it weren’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have no luck at all.  Suffice to say, I got some bad news recently.  It came in the form of a notice that my former employer has appealed the decision made by the unemployment office.

So, life went from possible upward outlook and a little bit of hope to me freaking out.  I did a little bit of research and made a few calls to find out that there is a possibility that in the situation that the ruling is overturned and that my elligibility is revoked, I may have to repay the money I’ve received from unemployment which leaves me destitute.  I will be completely broke and have no life line at all.

After I heard about that, I suddenly was uncertain as what to do.  Do I live my life as usual, paying bills, buying food, and so forth?  Or do I stop spending money in the case that I have to repay it all?  I came to the conclusion today that I really have no choice.  I have to pay my bills and buy food.  I won’t be spending frivolously, but I have to cover expenses.  I will deal with the money issue if the  hearing results in a worst case scenario.

So, what has all of this done to me?  Oh boy, well…I’m not doing so well.  I was getting better from this cold, but I think I’ve gone a little bit backwards since getting the notice.  My sleep is not so great.  I’ve been having terrible dreams.  My complexion has taken a turn.  I’m breaking out.  I’m preoccupied with thoughts about what could possibly happen mixed with anger towards my former employer.  Just for once it’d be nice to have them treat me with the slightest bit of decency and respect as a human being.  Really I just want to move on and forget about them.  Unfortunately for the next three to four weeks, I have to be stressed and worried.

The interesting thing is that the packet of information that I received from the hearing office has totally the wrong information about my termination.  It says I failed a background check and was let go last October.  Someone at my former employer has some wrong records.  Maybe with that, the case will get resolved quickly.  The way things have gone so far though…I’m not so hopeful.  Wouldn’t it be nice if things just swung my way for once though?  Keep me in your thoughts and prayers if you would.  I would very much appreciate it.

As a result of all of this, I’ve been a lot more active in pursuing full time employment.  I’ve gotten my resume out there to a few places and am hopeful that I’ll hear back.

Another thing that this has been a catalyst for has been to help me understand the level of depression I’m going through right now.  I never really paid much attention to my depression throughout my life, but it has really always been there.  I’ve realized that I’m chronically depressed.  It’s just been at certain points that I’ve been able to cope with that depression better than others.  College was probably the height of that ability to cope.  I’d say that came with the euphoria and excitement of transition.

My friend Leah and I were talking the other day about transition and depression.  I frequently get from many people, trans identified or otherwise, that I’ve “already gone through the most difficult part of my life by transitioning and must be insanely happy now.”  Unfortunately this is a huge misunderstanding of what transition is and does for a person.

Transition is great, but transitioning does not immediately bring happiness along with it.  There is a certain euphoria, as I mentioned, that comes along with the excitement of the journey.  Once you’ve gotten through most of that journey, the euphoria wears off.  It’s just not so exciting anymore.  Life becomes just as monotonous as it was.  The difference is that the turmoil that was experienced before transition from inside is no longer there.  To put it simply…simply existing inside my own skin didn’t royally suck anymore.  That doesn’t mean that I was eternally happy then.  As Leah put it:  Transitioning doesn’t make someone happy.  It enables a person to be happy.

That means simply this.  Life without transition will suck no matter what.  Life with transition has the potential to not suck.  The difference…you don’t hate yourself anymore.  If your external life, like your job, your family life, your financial life, your love life, your social life, or any combination thereof sucks…life still has a very big potential to stink.  Right now for me…outside of being happy with myself, life is pretty much down the tubes.  So, until things turn around…no…I’m not insanely happy.  I’m actually pretty seriously depressed.

I’ve been thinking about how to classify this in my book.  I think I’ve entered the third chapter of my story.  Chapter 1 was the journey up to transition.  Chapter 2 was transition, college, and a short time thereafter.  Chapter 3 is what I’ve started calling “the Reckoning”, like when you’re playing the game of life and have to stop at the day of reckoning.  That’s where I am.  Everything from stability, money, love, and even my emotional state, has been taken from me.

I’ve had the classic signs of depression.  I’m keeping late hours.  I don’t like getting up in the morning because I’d much prefer dream land.  When I am awake, I want to avoid facing the real issues.  I have no motivation to take on projects.  I feel kind of numb.  I just want to escape all the time into a world where none of the mundane life issues exist.  It’s been hard.  I wish I could afford a therapist, because I think I could really use one.

With that in mind,  the website updates are going slowly.  I have been taking them a day at a time.  I have content on Transcending Productions site now, and today I fixed some of the layout issues.  Yesterday I got the ajax calls to work like I wanted.  Tomorrow I’m going to adapt the calls to see if I can add cross fade effects.  I want to have a “what we do” page up too.  I spend an hour here and an hour there on it.  Slowly it’ll get finished.  That’s how I have to take things right now though.

Speaking of web stuff, I went to the Chippewa Valley Ruby on Rails group on Thursday.  No surprise that I was the only girl there.  My former colleague, Brian, was showing me the ropes with a few technologies including Ruby on Rails, Cucumber, haml, Staticmatic, and some others.  I have to say, seeing what he can do makes me feel very humbled.  He’s incredibly gifted with programming.  I mean…he writes books on these things that get published and so forth.  So I hope I can learn a fraction of what he knows.

Today Chris and I finished the Avatar animated series.  It was a fantastic finale to an incredible series.  I loved every minute of that show…if you couldn’t tell from the frequent comments on it.  I will spare the rambling statements of praise other than to say…awesome.  I will miss the characters.  It’s like saying goodbye to close friends.  Thank you Nickelodeon for a great show!

Last night, Chris made a huge effort to get me out of my depressed funk by taking me out.  We met up with Chris(tine), our dentist friend, Jessie, Lot, and Josh to eat at TGI Fridays.  We had fantastic food and even got free desserts!  Afterwards we went bowling.  It was what they call “Thunder Bowling”, which most people would identify as midnight bowling.  They do that whole special colored pin thing where if it’s the head pin and you bowl a strike, you get to spin a prize wheel.

The first game was ok.  I bowled a 145.  The second game was much more exciting.  Chris bowled a 52 for the first game…one of his worst ever.  His second game was incredible.  He started off with two strikes and a spare.  I started off with a split that I…get this…coverted!  I’ve never done that before!  Chris and I were in decent competition until I pulled away towards the end.  I ended up with a 163.  Chris was in the 150s.  It was one of his best!

The best part happened when Thunder Bowling was just about over.  When the five minute mark hit, we were told that any strike would allow us a spin at the wheel.  Immediately Chris bowled a strike and went to spin the wheel.  He was disappointed when he landed on the Joker instead of the ones that had actual dollar amounts.  Then he was shocked to find out that it means he won the jackpot $100 prize!  I followed that up with another strike and unfortunately I only won $2, but it was $2 more than I had.  I’m not complaining.  At the end of the night, Chris and I actually made money going out to eat and bowling than if we had stayed home.  How awesome is that?

Anyway, it’s past 1:30 in the morning, and I’m starting to feel the sleep set in.  Thank you all for sticking with these long posts.  I know I get long winded, and frequently.  I really appreciate your readership.  Sweet dreams everyone!

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Posted in Employment, Transgender, Web Design, depression | 2 Comments »

The update you’ve all been waiting for…part 2

Friday, April 24th, 2009

So…now that we’ve covered the employment side of things, here’s what’s new in the rest of my life:

A few weeks ago, I watched the movie Ghost Rider, with Nicolas Cage.  Wow, was it bad.  It was so bad that I found myself enjoying it.  It was a B movie in most every sense.  The special effects were cool, but the story was just…weak.  They could have done a much better job with it, but hey, instead it was fun to watch for the sheer enjoyment of how bad it was.  If ever you want a bad movie to watch, pick up Ghost Rider.

Continuing on the bad movie front…I saw Dragonball: Evolution with my friend Daigham on opening weekend.  You know a film is going to flop when it’s in a small theater the day after it opens and even then, there’s like…15 people in the theater.  I was expecting a crap sandwich of a film…and that’s what I got.  They tried very hard to match the feel of the show.  Chow Yun Fat really gave a great Master Roshi performance, but ultimately, the show just doesn’t translate well to the live action realm.  The show itself spans 153 episodes.  They kinda jumped in and mish mashed the story into 85 minutes.  The whole movie just felt like a high budget, but poorly executed Power Rangers episode.  The effects were pretty, but that’s about it.  It was cheezy bad.  Disappointing, but at least the anime is still cool.

During all the time that stuff was going down at work, I was still finishing up some freelance.  I was dealing with a ton of stress.  I felt it pushing down on me every which way.  It was manifesting itself in a lot of ways.  I was breaking out, which isn’t cool.  Also, for those of you that don’t know, hair grows more when you’re stressed.  So, when I went  in for electrolysis, she really had to remove a forest.  Haha.  Thankfully that stress is gone now.

Part of eliminating stress in my life involved dumping the website project that I took on a few months back.  It was a flash based project that was a bit over my head and skill level.  I found a very talented flash developer that was willing to take on the project.  I think it was a good move on my part.  I’m bad with web based freelance anyway.  I think as my skills progress with web development, I’ll feel a bit more comfortable at it.  Plus my friend Tracy might be willing to work with me.  She’s a much better graphic designer than I am by a long shot.  So maybe I can do the back end and she can do the front end.

I’ve been watching a lot of PBS’s Nova lately on Hulu.  It’s a great show and I’ve always loved it.  Anyway, this particular episode was about ants.  A famous entomologist, E.O. Wilson, has been studying them for years and actually was the founder of the concept of sociobiology.  Basically sociobiology is social behavior that is embedded in the biology of the lifeform.  It’s really fascinating stuff.  It got me thinking about gender…as usual.  I was thinking more specifically about transphobia and homophobia and how perhaps those behaviors are sociobiological in nature.  By that I mean that the fear of the unknown is a survival tool that humanity has employed.  By using fear, we can ensure that we stay safe.  In the case of homo and trans phobia, there are a lot of things that could subconsciously be feared.  Perhaps it’s about procreation or self preservation.  As time progresses, I think the sociobiology is changing in that regard…at least specifically to homosexuality and transgender.  Perhaps as a population grows to the immense size that humanity has, those biologically embedded fears are less and less necessary.  Anyway, I thought it was a fascinating concept to ponder.  Feel free to share your thoughts.

Oh, a few weeks back I finally got to do a photo shoot with my friend Ken.  He’s a professional photographer, and he’d asked me if I’d model for him at some point.  So I finally did.  Let me tell you…I’m not much of a model.  I can do the physical positioning, but I suck at facial expressions.  I’m too much of a deep thinker.  I have trouble with smiling for real without having something make me smile for real.  I haven’t gotten the photos yet, but I have a screen capture from my little video camera if you’d like to see it.

A video screen capture from the photo shoot.

A video screen capture from the photo shoot.

Queer Camp starts tonight!  You can find information on it at www.queercamp.org.  It’s free to go to, and it’ll be tons of fun.  For those of you that don’t know what it is, essentially it’s an informal conference on LGBT issues.  I’m doing two sessions.  One is titled “Gender in a slightly larger than average nutshell” and the other is “Ask a transsexual anything”.  I’m looking forward to it.  If you want to go, the registration page is located here.

When the whole thing started to go down at work, I had a conversation with Scott, a member of management, about my future.  I talked about my goals for starting a non-profit, writing a book, and mentoring others.  It’s my calling.  He told me that when I talked about that, my face lit up more than it ever has.  He told me that I will have more success at doing just that than I will working at any corporation, doing any sort of freelance, or doing just about anything else.  He told me I need to build an empire.  That sounds kinda…Darth Sidius like…but that’s now what he meant.  He gave me some good advice on how to get moving.  So I think once genderverse gets going, I’m going to create a special twitter account for it that I use to post news about the gender world.  I think I’ll establish another professional blog that talks about gender daily.  The podcast will be important too.  I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

Being a leader is what I do naturally.  I’ve really noticed that I tend to take a leadership approach in most everything I do even when it comes to just mentoring someone.  I think this weekend and the next few months will truly define the direction the rest of my life takes.

It’s a new day!  Time to take life by the horns and ride off into the future.

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Posted in Goals, Movie Review, Sexuality, Transgender, photography | 4 Comments »

Time to breathe?

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

I guess not.  My freelance barrage continues.  Today I pick up more footage for yet another video.  I thankfully should be done with the  majority of my work by early next week.  Perhaps that means I will be able to take a few moments to myself and enjoy myself.  Tonight I took two hours to go to a spiritual seminar that I had signed up for.  I’ve been going once a month to the LGBT community center in Milwaukee for a spiritual seminar.  Unfortunately for the last two months I haven’t been able to go due to first being sick and second being busy with freelance.  It was good to go again.

So…apparently March 31st is the Transgender Day of Visibility.  I wonder if other activists find out about these days through the interweb the day of and wonder why they didn’t know about this day before.  That’s happened to me a couple times before.  So…I didn’t get a chance to do anything for it other than wonder why the Transgender Day of Visibility didn’t have  more visibility within the community beforehand to plan events.

Also…I wanted to write about it on March 31st / April 1st, but as it turns out, my web host was having troubles.  This seems a more frequent ocurrence of late, and the more research I’ve done, the less impressed I’ve been.  This particular host used to be known as an awesome host.  Now their reputation is falling fast.  I didn’t realize why Adam had been complaining about them so much until I started to see the problems appear.  So…since I have to pay my hosting bill within the next couple weeks, I’ve decided to move hosts.  You may see a day or two where my site is down.  It won’t be for another week or so yet though.  So no worries.

That’s it for today…time for sleepy.  G’night.

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Posted in Freelance, Transgender, Web Design | 2 Comments »

Old Blog posts

Monday, February 23rd, 2009

I can now say I have one unified location for all my past blog posts.  Tonight I actually went through the database of my old blog on TransLife and brought every post over to this Wordpress database.  So my post count went from about 30 some all the way up to well over 300.  You can see all the way back to the beginning of my journey now.  There will likely be a few problems in the posts because I had posted photos in some of them.  Please ignore the code problems.  If you see anything truly out of the ordinary, let me know and I’ll fix it.  Enjoy the history!

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Posted in Transgender, history | 2 Comments »

Twitterpated

Sunday, February 22nd, 2009

Yes, it’s been a while.  Fair warning…this is a long post.  I took a break after the last podcast.  First things first, I joined twitter. You can follow me using the username janiukjf. I hope you enjoy all my pointless musings during my average day.

In the time since my last post…I got older.  I’m now 28! I feel pretty much the same as I did at 27.  I have to say, it was a nice birthday.  I took an extra day off from work and had a four day weekend for it.  It was very relaxing.  My family also took me out to dinner.  The food was family style Italian, and it was fantastic. I also got a few meaningful gifts.  My sisters gave me a shadowbox picture frame that is really nice.  My parents gave me to gorillapods (bendy and flexy camera tripods).  It was a lot of fun.

I have to be very vague here, but I spent a year and a half working on a project at work, and it’s finally…finally…launched.  It feels really awesome to know I saw the project through to completion.  Though, its easy to say no project is ever complete in my mind.  I also am going to start using something I call the JSI, or Job Satisfaction Index to which I will create an arbitrary color scale to represent my feelings.  Today’s JSI is orange with yellow polkadots.

While I talk about work, let me mention freelance.  The flash project I took on seems to be a bit troublesome.  I think I bit off more than I can chew.  I learn from examples, and I haven’t had anything to launch off of here.  I just don’t know where to start, and since I’m learning actionscript 3 from the beginning, it’s tough.  I decided to work with someone on the project, and from there, I’ll use that code as an example.  I think getting past this project will help me move forward with stuff I’ve been sitting on.  I’ve felt guilty working on other projects while having this on my plate.

Speaking of other freelance, I’ve had several meetings regarding the puppet video, and it’s been almost all non-stop frustration.  It’s hard to get through to the other video person that we can’t work with the footage we have.  So, I’ve written a script and a rundown for a short video showing the differences between analog and digital video and the progression of technology in video.  I’ll post it on here when I’m done with it.  We’re having a meeting in a week to discuss the project.  If we can’t move forward the right way, I’m not sure I want to be involved with it.

Things I do want to be involved in is the arts organization that I’ve been connected with lately.  I’ve been asked to produce a 30 minute film with them. They’re applying for a grant and production would start in June.  It’s not a lot of money, but it would be a lot of fun for me and everyone involved.  I think it’d be a great portfolio piece too.  More on that as it develops.

Jumping back in time a week, Valentine’s day, or as I like to call it, Singles Awareness Day, was a week ago.  I had a party for all my single friends.  It was a huge blast.  I made hand tossed homemade pizza for my guests.  We played Rock Band and Boom Blox until 3:00 am.  In fact, we managed to turn Boom Blox into a dirty game.  I haven’t had fun like that in a long time.  I plan on throwing another event in a couple months probably to a made up holiday.  Maybe it’ll be the blorthog party Chris and I have been thinking about for a long time.

My friend Tracy, who came to the party, had so much fun that she and I decided to plan a weekly gathering.  We’re going to do something like bowling or Rock Band.  Not sure exactly what yet, but no matter what, it’ll be a lot of fun.

Random stuff going on, my friend Adam came over a week ago.  Instead of doing geeky things like Rock Band, we did geeky things like build a TV antenna from plans we found online.  Amazingly…it works! Better than my powered antenna from Radio Shack.  We also started to build a PVC frame for a portable green screen.  I finished it to the plans, and it looks like it’ll work great.  I have a few modications I’d like to make.  I also need the green fabric yet.  Way to be a nerd, me!

Speaking of nerdish things, I’ve gotten back into the video game “Okami” of late.  It’s very much like the Legend of Zelda.  I’ve spent a bit too much time with it lately, but I had some somewhat negative things happen recently.  So as usual for me, it was escapism.

I’ve been kinda sad lately that Conan O’Brien has ended his run on Late Night.  I’m a big fan.  I know he’s going to be on the Tonight Show, but its still sad to see him leave the venue we know and love.  I just watched the final episode today.  It’ll be a couple months until we see him again.  I’ll be interested to see how Jimmy Fallon handles the reins of the show from now on.

Another show that I’ve been watching a lot lately is Exosquad.  If you don’t know the show, it was one of the best American animated series ever made and not seen.  It aired back in the early  90s, and it was more like an anime.  It was episodic and followed a briliant story arc.  They now have it on Hulu and recently added season 2.  I’ve been re-watching it, and it’s actually still as good as I remember.  There was even a moment that brought tears to my eyes.  I recommend it.

Of course, tonight I’m engrossed in a once a year TV production known as the Oscars.  I really like Hugh Jackman as host.  I love seeing the sing and dance routines.  Otherwise, the Oscars are pretty dull this year.  I know they’ve tried to make major changes to bring new audiences and change things up.  I think they need to do something else though.  It seems too much like every other Oscars.  The only thing that is different to me is the switched up order of awards.  We’ll see how viewership is.

Unrelated, but very interesting…my 10 year high school reunion is supposed to be this year.  Since there’s been no official communication about it, someone started a facebook event surrounding it.  So, it should happen at some point this year.  I think it’ll be very interesting.

In that same vein, I got an e-mail today from a friend I haven’t talked to since High School.  He decided to look into old friends and looked me up.  He saw everything out there on the web about what I’ve done in regards to gender and found this blog too.  His message was very complimentary towards all my work and what I’ve done.  It was wonderful to hear that, and I found myself inspired.  I really need to move forward with personal projects to get myself out there more as a gender activist.

This sparked a conversation with my mother about making a career out of this.  She actually thinks its what I should be doing! I have always thought my mom wanted me to do what makes money.  She’s always said things that suggest that.  I think after seeing me speak once back when I was in college, she saw what I can truly do.  It makes me happy to know I have the support of my mother.

That means its time.  TransLife is going to be my non-profit.  Let’s get this thing started!

OK…that’s it for this novel.  Wordpress tells me this is 1336 words long.  I don’t think writing books is going to be a problem.  Until next time…

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Posted in Freelance, Goals, Transgender, family, friends | 2 Comments »

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