Archive for the ‘Personal Growth’ Category

Love and Change

Tuesday, May 25th, 2010

I’m sorry, world! I’ve been lazy for two months with my blog.  I guess I can sit here and make excuses like working on the weekends, youth group stuff, seeing someone, fencing stuff, a new camera…but we all know they’d just that…excuses.  So, I apologize.  What’s that you say?  I said some things in that list that are surprising?  And what else?…you want to know about them?  Well tough…I’m not talking.

OK I lied.  I am talking. We’ll start with the juicy stuff…fencing!   What? You thought I was going to talk about something else first?  Too bad.  So yeah, I’ve been fencing a lot.  It’s been way fun.  I’ve learned that I’m not defending my left leg well enough.  I have had several nasty bruises three over the past several months.  One of them was pretty large…about the diameter of a soda can.  The worst part was because I had already been “killed”.  I didn’t call the hit fast enough and because of that I got hit again.  Anyway, it took a few weeks to heal.  It’s awesome though.  I consider the bruises a badge of honor.  There’s something about the pain from a sport like fencing that I think a lot of us like to own.

I’m getting more and more confident with my skills.  My instructors aren’t taking it easy on me anymore.  They’ve been making it quite clear to me that I have a bit of natural talent.  I was told a few Wednesdays back that they’ve rarely seen such “clean kills” as what I was throwing.  It was by the book (Capo Ferro) apparently.  I was doing things like playing with measure (basically the range of someone’s full extended lunge and blade) and getting inside without being noticed by my opponent.  I was also taking my opponent’s blade off line (on line is an angle that would kill you) and sliding right down their sword to kill them. I didn’t even realize that I was doing these things when they were happening.  So I guess that’s a sign of good training.  When my instructor told me that, I was pretty giddy.  It’s neat to hear I’m doing well.  Fencing is a lot of fun.

In other news, I worked a lot of extra weekend days over the past couple months.  It was a bit stressful due to the shortened weekends, but the benefits ended up being fantastic.  I’d been dreaming of getting a new camera for a long while.  I’m sure there are mentions of it in my blog posts past.  Now, however, it is a true reality.  As of the first days of May, I bought a brand new Canon Rebel T2i.  It’s a flippin’ awesome camera.  It’s a Digital SLR (Single Lens Reflux), and shoots at 18 megapixels.  It not only does still photos, but it also shoots very nice full 1080p HD video.  I can do anything from standard def all the way up to the top of the broadcast HD range.  It’s pretty cool.

So I’ve had it almost a full month now, and it’s been worth it so far.  I’ve already shot about 400 images with it.  Chris and I went to the zoo and snapped some fun photos. I’ve also started taking it with me wherever I go.  So, I’ve been able to get some interesting shots that I normally wouldn’t.  For example, I went to a garden and pond shop with Dr. Chris, my friend and Dentist.  It had just rained, and they had bloomed water lillies there.  I took some beautiful pics of them.  They’ll be posted after the blog post to enjoy.

I’ve got a nice wish list of accessories I’m going to be getting eventually as well.  For example, I’ll be getting a new flash, a camera frame, battery grip, extra batteries, and an inflatable diffuser.  I’ve also dropped some hefty cash for a nice lens.  It’s a Tamron 18 mm – 270 mm, which is  a rather large range for a telephoto lens.  It’s been very worth the money so far.  I’ve always been told by my pro video / photo friends to never skimp on the glass.  So I didn’t.

OK…so you’re probably wondering about the “seeing someone” I mentioned earlier, right.  Well…I’ll tell you about it then.  But FIRST, you totally want to hear about my amazing ability to drink copious amounts of coffee through a straw…standing on my HEAD!  Ok, fine, that’s a lie.  I guess I’ll tell you about only the most amazing person I’ve ever met.

Her name is Jessica Swanner….Dr. Jessica Swanner (yes I know you haven’t defended your dissertation yet, hun).  Everyone asks if it’s awkward with having the same name, but it really hasn’t been.  We know who we’re talking to.  It’s everyone else that has trouble.  Anyway, she’s pretty amazing.  She’s beautiful, smart, sexy, nerdy, and a huge dork….all of the perfect qualities I’ve been looking for.  She reads comic books, plays video games, and yeah…I’m so in love.

We met online.  Yahoo Personals…what is it with that site and me finding great matches there.  We hit it off from the get go really.  The hard part is that it’s long distance.  I have a long history with long distance relationships, and this is the longest one I’ve been in yet.  She lives presently in Arkansas, but she will be moving to upstate New York for her new job in the fall.  So, it’s not just a quick hour drive to see each other.  It’s been tough, but we’ve managed so far, and quite well actually.

Jess came up here to Chippewa Falls to visit about a week and a half ago.  She was here for about 9 days, and I think it’s easy to say that it was probably the best 9 days I’ve had since…maybe since my transition.  It was pure bliss the entire time.  It felt like I found my other half.  And then just as quickly as she arrived, it was time for her to leave.  That was unbelievably hard to say goodbye to her.  She is currently teaching a summer course, and she had to be back to start.  The good news is that she’ll be back in about a month for a longer period of time.  The bad news is it feels like a part of me is missing now.  It’s been difficult for both of us.  We have only gone one or two days since without video chatting.

Jess is actually a year younger than me, and she already has her doctorate.  It’s really made me rethink a lot of things.  I actually find myself wanting to better myself because of her.  She did get to see me give a lecture in a class while she was here, and she told me that it was awesome and that I’m an amazing speaker.  That is incredibly uplifting since I’ve felt like I’ve gotten a bit stale at it lately.  I find myself wondering what I want to do next with my life though.  I’m really finding myself at a crossroads.  I’m jut not sure.

Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy my job, and I’m not about to drop everything for something new.  However, I’ve always felt I can do more.  I feel like I have a bunch of untapped skill that I’m really not utilizing.  One of the possibilities in the future depending on several things is that I may end up moving.  If Jess’ job becomes tenure track, I’d probably pick up and move up to New York in a year or so.  If that’s the case, what do I make a career out of there?

I’ve not really mentioned this before except for a few close friends, but I’ve gone back and forth over…not really disappearing out of the trans community, but more of not making it be so much of a focus in my life.  I mean really, I haven’t made it a huge focus as is, but I’ve always had goals to do more.  I’ve debated whether my voice is even valuable with all the new voices out there.  I’ve had many people say otherwise, that my voice is important.  I’ve also witnessed other friends in the trans community move on.  So, it’s been on my mind.

I think what I’m realizing now is that maybe instead of thinking about moving on, I should hit it head on.  Maybe I should find a talent agent, get a book deal, and just become a professional blogger and speaker.  I could perhaps start up a non-profit like I’ve talked about in the past as well.  I know I’ve talked about writing my book several times.  Jess thinks I should and that it’d be really valuable. There are a lot of options, and the good news is that I don’t have to make any quick decisions.  Still, I’d love to get opinions if people have them to share.  I could use the help.

So yeah, Jessica has really made me think a lot about things.  I’ve never had someone have that kind of impact on me before.  She is truly amazing.  Isn’t it funny that my last post in March I was sad about not being able to find someone and not even a week after I wrote that post, Jessica appeared in my life.  Chris told me that it was like night and day.  I was really down and then I was happier than he’d seen me in a very long time.  I should really stop bragging though.

I have been very distracted though.  I have been so busy with stuff like the youth group I volunteer for, the community center that I’ve been actively involved in, Pridefest stuff, and just trying to have a bit of time to relax.  I have barely been able to keep up.  Some things have fallen behind.  I haven’t had a free moment to touch the Pridefest video.  It’s ready for me to cut, but I just haven’t been able to organize the time.  Obviously my blog writing time took a hit too.  Even my Memorial Day weekend is busy.  I’m going to be in the Twin Cities shooting a wedding.  In a week or so I have some freelance video work.  I think my schedule slows down after mid June.  I can’t wait.  Maybe I’ll have time to enjoy the summer weather then.  We’ll see.

I think this is a good place to leave it for now though.  The question of the blog:  If you were in my shoes, what do you think my best options for the future are?

I hope all is well with you and that you’re having a wonderful Spring. Oh, and I apologize if I induced any vomiting from my excessive gushing regarding my girlfriend. :P

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Posted in Love, Personal Growth, Transgender | 1 Comment »

Remembering

Thursday, November 26th, 2009

Marking Time

Normally I post about every two weeks.  I held off on posting this time because I wanted to mark time.  Today was Thanksgiving.  A year ago today I was given a rude awakening by someone I loved.  I also had my heart torn from me to which I’m still healing from.  It was important to me to specifically remember this day…this night.

A year ago, Jenn, my ex girlfriend, abruptly broke up with me after what I thought was a beautiful relationship.  She was honest and forthright when she broke it off, and for that I’m thankful.  It didn’t change the hurt, but it was the decent way to do it.  I’ve been thinking a lot about that night for the past year.  It truly changed me.  Suddenly I saw flaws in myself that I found myself shocked that I never saw before.  For that reason, I felt ashamed of myself.  Yes, I know we all have flaws.  It’s just…finding out that you have an ego problem and talk down to people when you hate it when other people do that…it’s like a bad dream.  I only hope that I’ve at least somewhat gotten past that ego.  I don’t want it, and I never want to be that person.

I’m glad Jenn broke up with me for that reason alone.  Now…that aside, I had something happen to me recently that made me think.  Chris and I have been watching How I Met Your Mother lately.  We watched the episode “Slap Bet”, and in it, Neil Patrick Harris’ character talks about what he calls an “O moment”.  By that he means that when you’re dating someone, and they do something that makes you go “Ohhhhh….” and think “yeah, this isn’t going to work.”  For Jenn, realizing my ego existed was her O moment.  She told me so and even referenced the episode of HIMYM during the breakup.  I hadn’t seen the episode at the time.  I found it interesting that I saw the episode about a year after she decided to break if off.

I have a problem with this concept of “O moments”.  Sure we have issues with the people we date, but there should never really be just one thing that does it in, unless it’s something serious, like murder, rape, etc.   She couldn’t a. get passed my ego at the time, b.  ever mention it to me and c. work with me on my own quest to change.  Instead she wanted to just dump me.  To me that says that she wasn’t worth my time.  If she couldn’t accept me at my worst, then she didn’t deserve me at my best.

One year later, I can definitely say I’m over her.  I’m happy that she broke up with me now.  I think it was good for me to learn my faults.  I also think in the long run, I probably wouldn’t have been happy with her.  So it’s all for the best.  I really don’t know when I will date again.  While I may be over Jenn, I still have a lot to work on as far as my own issues go.  I’m sure that will be a life long journey.  I’m in no rush, and being in a smaller city, I don’t have as many opportunities to date.  Who knows, but I’m sure I’ll write about it when it happens.

Day of Rememberance

Yup, lot of remembering in this post.  Last week Friday was the Transgender Day of Remembrance.  I spent the day lecturing at Menomonie High School and UW Stout, both in Menomonie, WI.

At 10:00 am, I was in the auditorium at the High School, and wow…I have never had attendance like that before.  There were 250 some students.  Hands down, that was the smoothest presentation I have given in a long time.  The group was really engaged and asked a lot of questions.  I thought I was going to be intimidated by such a large group, but it wasn’t an issue.  I actually got asked so many questions that I forgot to talk about the film “Transamerica”, which was requested by one of the teachers.  I felt a bit bad about that.  Considering the school has recently had some incidents with bad treatment of LGBT identified students, it sure seems like they are headed in the right direction.  I had about 20 students come up to talk to me right after wards to say thanks and such.  One of them gave me a pride bracelet that they had made for me.  I was not expecting that.  Thank you to the girl that gave me that.  It fits nicely.

UW Stout was also a good time, though the turn out was low.  I can’t say that I’m surprised considering it was a Friday afternoon.  A lot of college students are quick to head for home on Fridays.  Still, for the people that were there, it went very well.  I know some of the things I said really impacted some of the people there.  They came up and told me so afterwards.  I was even asked for my autograph!  That’s never happened before.

That night I also was hosting drop in night at the LGBT Community Center.  We had good conversation.  It was a long day, and I was exhausted by the end of it.  I want to say though, it was an honor to be able to represent the Transgender community on such an important day.  Every year we lose so many to hate and fear.  I only hope that my efforts, and the efforts of all the other trans advocates out there, we can fight that fear and hatred through education and awareness.

Car problems

I had a bit of a scare with my car during the past few weeks.  About two weeks ago, I was leaving work, and suddenly my car wouldn’t start.  I almost drained the battery trying to get it to turn over.  It was odd…and out of the blue.  I had to call Chris to come pick me up.  My car sat in the parking lot for the weekend until I could have it towed.

The mechanic wasn’t sure what it was at first because, surprise, he could start it just fine.  They thought maybe the fuel pump was going.  Upon looking, the fuel filter needed to be changed badly.  So, I got that done, and now it seems to be running fine.  I had one more incident when it wouldn’t start, but since then, no problems.  That’s good because I don’t have the 650 bucks it would cost to fix.

Swords

I know I may have said at one point that I likely wouldn’t go back to fencing, but it looks like I may.  Chris, Josh, and I watched a film called “Reclaiming the Blade”, which talks about the history of swords and their use in fighting.  Specifically it talks about groups today re-learning the historical ways of fighting with them using old manuscripts.  It was fascinating.

Josh didn’t know that there was a fencing group in the Chippewa Valley.  He had no idea that I had learned fencing of sorts in college and had attended a similar group in Milwaukee.  He was so excited because he’s always wanted to learn how to fence.  So, we, as a group, decided that we’re going to start going to the fencing group together starting in January.  It’ll be great to have people to train with and learn with at the same level.  I’m sure there will be many a photo taken, which I will post here.

New Website

Gendeverse is coming along.  It looks like I’m going to go with Drupal, mainly due to its flexibility.  I don’t know what the site will grow into and Wordpress may be too limiting.  I have a logo design done, and I’m working on a site design.  I like the color scheme, and I think it’s going to be quite classy.  My goal is to launch by the new year.

As mentioned in the last post, I talked about a friend that would make a great asset to Genderverse.  If you are following Genderverse on twitter, I put him in charge of that account, and he’s been doing some amazing things.  He is none other than Adam Chernow, and he is teh awesome.  Thanks Adam for being teh awesome.  There couldn’t be a better person to manage the twitter feed for us.

Hollywood

I wish I could use that title to say something like “Yeah, Hollywood called me to talk about movie rights to my life”, but I’m not that amazing.  I wish I was, but I’m not.  Anyway, what I can say is that I have a friend that has followed my blog for years.  She happens to work out in Hollywood as a producer and editor.  She has offered to help me get my career started out there if ever I want it.

How cool is that?!!  I can easily say that it has been my dream to work out there doing films / TV etc.  I remember my mother saying so many times that I put too much of myself out there with this blog, but it has never been a negative thing for me.  It’s only opened doors.  This is one of those that I never would have expected, and it’s totally amazing.

That said, I’m not in any hurry to run out to California.  While it’s a dream, I’m not ready for it yet.  I’m actually in quite a good and comfortable place right now.  I like my job.  I like my living situation.  I like how things are shaping up with my speaking career and advocacy work.  I have plenty of time.  I’m going to ensure that my skills are in shape, and maybe in five years, I’ll move out there.  It’s nice to know I have a plan, and who knows…plans change.  We’ll see what the universe has in store for me.

Giving Thanks

Before I say good night, I want to just say a few things I’m thankful for.  I’m thankful for my family, my friends, my fans, good food, bad jokes, people who laugh at bad jokes, my job, my fellow advocates in the trans community, the interwebs, icanhascheezburger.com, my car still running, having a warm bed to sleep in, life, and love.  There are so many more things I could say, but I’ll leave it at that.  Thanks for reading everyone.

Question of the Blog

What have you experienced in your life that you needed a long time to reflect upon before moving forward?

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Posted in Heartbreak, LGBT, Love, Personal Growth, Transgender, dreams, family, friends | 3 Comments »

Seven years of Jessica

Thursday, October 1st, 2009

It’s hard to believe, today marks the 7th year of my blog.  On October 1st, 2002, I started my blog, then called my diary, on TransLife.net, which is now a mostly unused site that is in desperate need of a rebuild.  Things certainly have changed in all that time.  It’s hard to believe I began my transition so long ago now.  At 28, I’ve almost lived a third of my life as a woman.

Lately Chris and I have been watching How I Met Your Mother (which is an awesome show by the way), and it has such a strong sense of nostalgia.  Today I feel that nostalgia.  I’ve put a lot of energy into telling my story over the years.  It’s had its ups and downs.  It’s gotten me in trouble.  It’s gotten me notoriety.  I know it’s had an impact on people, because I hear from those people on an almost daily basis.  That makes me feel good.  It by far outweighs any negatives…hands down.

I started this blog with the intention of sharing my story with the world. I wanted to be an example to other trans folk that are too scared of what might happen to them if they came out.  I wanted to help educate the world on trans issues.  Most of all, I wanted to show the world that people who are trans aren’t freaks.  We’re every day people with every day lives that are just like everyone else’s.  I think I can say I accomplished a lot towards those goals.

Over the past seven years, this blog has become more than that collection of goals for me.  This blog truly helps me understand myself better.  It helps me in a very cathartic way too.  I feel like once I’ve written about an issue I have in my personal life, I can almost let that issue go finally.  It helps me get things off my chest.  I truly feel like I’ve become a better person because I’ve written this blog.

It’s a great feeling knowing that I’ve been able to do all of the aforementioned stuff just from a silly thing like a weblog.  OK…I think I’m done with both reflecting on things and patting myself on the back. On to new stuff…

Not much happened since the post on the 15th.  I caught a cold.  That’s been fun.  I’m still recovering.  Let me tell you…I am quite sick of mucus.  I’ve gone through at least three boxes of kleenex.  All things considered, though, it hasn’t been a terrible cold.  It was mainly a head cold.  Lots of congestion, though my ears never did that whole “one ear has different pressure than the other” thing.  Thank god…I hate that.  I’ve just had a raw, runny, drippy nose.

Oh…some progress on this site!  I finished my bio. You should go check it out.  It has fancy lightboxes for the photo displays.  I think I’ll tackle the speaker page next.  I’ve been thinking about speaker fees.  I want to get that online pretty soon.  After that, I’ll tackle the photo gallery / media section.  I’m trying to figure out how to use Ruby to build an xml feed for my photo gallery.  That may take a bit yet.

I’m excited about a shindig that’s planned with some of my Milwaukee friends.  We’re having a geeky lady shindig in a few weeks.  It’s going to be fun, exciting, and nerdy all at the same time.  I’m sure I’ll write about it in an upcoming post.

Chris’ 30th birthday is just over a week away.  About a year ago, I decided I wanted to throw him a surprise party.  That kinda got spoiled when he decided he wanted a superhero costume party instead.  Well and now that’s probably not happening either.  Instead we’re going out to eat.  Amazing how things change.  I’m looking forward to it.

There is a small hang up though.  That same evening is the LGBT Community Center’s annual meeting, which I have to be present at to get elected to the board.  I’ve officially filled out the paperwork and so forth to run for the board.  I talked to the president about the situation, and apparently I definitely have to be physically present at the meeting at least for a portion of it.  So, I’ve worked it out with Chris so that I can disappear for an hour to get elected.  I think it’ll work out just fine.

Money’s been a bit tight this past week.  I have my phone to blame for that.  The bill for the fancy Android powered phone finally came due this month.  I had stored away money for it, but even so, it made things a bit challenging.  I made it through ok though.  That’s really the last big out of budget expense I have. So it should be smooth sailing from here.  That’s a good feeling.  Speaking of good feelings, I also should be getting my health insurance cards any day now.

That’s pretty much it for me.  This is the calm before the storm.  This month is going to be stressful.  I have two speaking gigs, elections, post-elections, party, halloween, best friend birthday, and of course…work.  I hope I have some down time in the coming weeks too.  I guess its good that I’m sick now instead of later.

Wow…a post shorter than 1000 words.  I can’t remember when the last post was this short.  Oh, before I forget…Question of the blog:  Chris an I are of the mindset that turning 30 will be great and that our 30s will be our best years.  Are you looking forward to your 30s? / Were your 30s awesometastic or craptacular?

Tune in next time for more excitement!

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Posted in LGBT, Personal Growth, Transgender, history, sick | 2 Comments »

High School Memories

Sunday, August 30th, 2009

I’ve had a crazy busy few weeks with a lot of things going on.  I’m assuming that this post will be another 1000 plus word post.  You’d be disappointed if that wasn’t the case, right?

Wedding

We’ll start by jumping back a few weeks.  I went to my former coworker’s wedding a couple weeks ago.  It was in the Milwaukee area, and I knew there would be some discomfort involved.  I knew I’d see my former boss.  I was right too.  It was a bit awkward, but I made it through ok.  I don’t know if I mentioned, but the entirety of the old department was shut down.  So I’m literally the only person in the old department with a job now.  Amazing how things change.

Anyway, the wedding was lovely, and it went smooth as silk.  It was hot as hell outside, and I was thankful everything was indoors.  I’m really proud of Ben and Sarah.  They really are two geeks in a pod.  I managed to successfully avoid dancing, as well as avoid my former boss most of the night.  The big plus was that I made some new friends.  I was put at the Sci Fi geek table, and that ended up being a great experience.  I connected really well with the group at the table.  In fact, we connected so well that I was invited to hang with them afterwards.  I ended up heading to their hotel where we chatted until around 11:30 in the evening.  If any of you are reading this, it was awesome hanging and getting to know you!

The rest of the weekend disappeared quickly.  My parents wanted me to go get some shoes and a car battery, which was not really on my priority list, but whatever.  It’s always fun to shop with my mother.  The drive back to Chippewa was a smooth one.  It was cooler, so the lack of A/C in my car wasn’t a huge suck fest.  It was a good weekend overall.

Breakfast Chats

One of the best experiences I have every time I visit my parents are the morning chats at the breakfast table.  After we eat, it’s usually coffee and conversation.  This particular day my parents brought up the health care debate, and I was witness to them being profoundly impacted by the fear mongering that Fox News has perpetuated.  My dad was all up in arms about death panels, and both my parents were all like “It’s written in the bill”.  I had to explain what the actual truth was about the situation, that there were no death panels written, and that there was no solid bill yet.  Nothing had been decided.  It was a lively conversation to be sure.  The scary thing was listening to my father call Obama a Nazi.  I don’t think he understands where that comes from.  As Jon Stewart has put it, I don’t think Nazi’s were ever known for their health care reform plans.  This calling this President a nazi is about as ridiculous as they come.  Anyway, I just thought that was interesting.  It just really surprises me that my parents are so prone to what they’ve been told by the media vs what’s actually true.  Does anyone do their research about the issues anymore?

High School Reunion

Last weekend was my 10 year high school reunion, and it was an interesting experience.  I had no intention of missing the reunion.  Chris was willing to be my date for the event.  So we headed down on Friday.  It took place on Saturday, the 22nd of August at Nagawaukee Park in Delafield.  We got there about 1:00 in the afternoon.

It wasn’t what people usually picture for reunions.  It took place outside at a park pavilion instead of a bar.  We had a pig roast, which was quite delicious.  There weren’t a ton of people there.  My graduating class had about 240 people in it.  About 40 people came to the reunion.  That included spouses and dates.  So turnout was low, but from what I hear, that’s average for a reunion.

Arriving was the awkward part…everyone wondering who I was at first.  The organizers knew, and they gave me a big hug.  I think no one really knew what to say to me.  I didn’t really know what to say back.  So there was a lot of avoiding going on at first, but once everyone realized I don’t bite, there were no problems.

It was actually quite a bit of fun.  I reconnected with a lot of people, and most of them were the people I didn’t expect to connect with.  There were competition things going on, none of which applied to me.  They were things like longest marriage, most kids, most recent kid, shortest and longest distance travelled, etc.  I would have put my name down for distance, but before I got there, I was already beaten.  As a joke, I decided to put my name down for “Looks most like high school photo”.  :)

Everyone seemed to think that Chris went to high school with them.  He apparently looked very familiar.  He also said that some of the people looked familiar too.  Not sure why that was, but whatever.  I ended up taking photos at the suggestion of one of my classmates.  They turned out nice too.

The awards were given out later in the evening after dinner.  The prizes were really funny.  The person with the most kids got a box of condoms.  The person that traveled the most got a travel kit, and the person that traveled the shortest also got a travel kit with the stipulation that they had to get out of town.  Ha!  Then came the award for looks most like the photo from high school.  The organizers said that they should have taken a vote, but decided to go the other way.  I won!  Everyone cheered.  It was great.

I guess that moment says a lot about how well I was received by my former classmates.  What a great time.  I’m so glad I went.  Makes me a little nostalgic and a little sad though.  I feel like this was the first time they ever got to really meet me despite all that time in grade school.  I had a blast hanging with them, and it makes me wonder what things would have been like had I been my true self in high school.  Would I have made more friends, been more a part of the “popular crowd”? Maybe it’s not worth dwelling on the coulda, woulda, shouldas.  Regardless, I’ll never forget my high school reunion.  Thanks to everyone for making it wonderful.

Love and Loneliness

Chris has found a relationship.  It’s not with the guy I wrote about in past posts either.  It was a random date that turned into something wonderful.  It’s with an old flame, and I’m really happy for him.

No surprise, it makes me think about my love life…or my lack of one.  It’s almost September, which means in a couple more months, I’ll have been single for a year.  I know that deep down, I’m craving for another relationship, but my rational brain is telling me otherwise.

If you didn’t notice in my last post, I’ve got a lot of crap I’m working on right now.  I feel like in a lot of ways, I am really not ready for anything in the love area.  Heck, I don’t even go out with friends that often, let alone with a love interest.  It’s taking a lot of energy to work on these issues, and that’s energy I don’t know if I can continue putting into it if I was also dating someone.

That being said…damn it’s hard to watch Chris be so happy and go off with his new boy.  I’m suffering from empty nest tonight, and while it’s nice to have the house to myself, I actually feel more alone tonight than I have in a while.  It would be nice to have someone to be close to myself.  I’m on Yahoo Personals, but unfortunately all the responses I’ve been getting are from people that live at a minimum of 2 hours away.  Maybe it’s worth the drive…

This loneliness combined with my focus at my job has had me listening to a lot of music lately.  I’ve had a song stuck in my head.  It was written by James Newton Howard, a favorite of mine, for the film “Lady in the Water” and is entiteled “The Great Eatlon”.  It’s a beautiful piece that gives me chills when I listen to it.  Then towards the end, the tone changes, and I get tears.  It’s beautiful.  I’ve been playing it a lot…so much that it’s stuck in my head.  If you get a chance, listen to it.

Speaking of Books

Tomorrow I have plans to have my good friend Audrey over for dinner.  I’ve been terrible on following up on the plans because this week just disappeared.  So hopefully those plans are still on.  We were going to discuss plans to have me lecture to her class as well as my book outline.  I’ve asked her for assistance in writing the book.  I think it’s the right time.  She’s agreed to help out as much as she can.  Here’s hoping it moves forward successfully.

Oh, I have to mention that in my previous post, I said that I’m presenting a forum on October 22nd.  That’s actually incorrect.  It’s going to be on October 20th, which is a Tuesday. If you’re in the Chippewa Valley, you should come.

Questions of the blog:  What was your high school reunion like OR do you look forward to your reunion?

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Posted in Love, Personal Growth, family, friends | 4 Comments »

Humble Pie

Monday, August 10th, 2009

Almost 9 months ago now, my ex girlfriend broke up with me and served me a nice, cold dish of humble pie.  I hadn’t been blogging much prior to that for at least a year, and what she told me really prompted me to start again.  She told me I had ego issues.  She was right.  Since then, I’ve been doing what I can to work on that.  I’m proud to say things have gotten better, but we’re always a work in progress, right?  This weekend, I finally admitted to myself that I have a few other issues.  I’m selfish and I always have to be right about everything.

I’m a perfectionist, and while some may value that, I’m starting not to.  That perfectionism plays into the whole “have to be right all the time” issue.  I have this inner need that comes out in a debate that I have to show the other person that my logic is right.  The worst is that it comes into play in the stupidest of arguments.  Chris and I will have debates over silly things like how to refer to this coming weekend versus next weekend.  It’s stuff not worth being pushy about or even wasting the time to debate it.  Yet, something inside me pushes on.  I think this need to be right plays into the ego / talk down to people issue that Jenn broke up with me over.  Maybe my ego isn’t as big as she thought…I just have to be right.

As far as my being selfish goes…it’s something I’ve been aware of for a long time, but I’ve been in denial of.  It came to a point this weekend when Chris asked me if I was ok with us watching a friend’s daughter for a few hours.  I said ok at first, but as time passed, I realized that my Saturday was now no longer mine.  I had wanted no responsibility this weekend and now I had to be there with this kid.  To top it off, I’m not much for babysitting to begin with.  I find myself awkward around children.  I’m just not used to them.  I was awkward around cats before I adopted Meat.  Anyway, so what it comes down to is I got upset with Chris because he ruined my weekend by offering to help someone else.  How dare he? right? As we were fighting, at one point I slapped my hand on my forehead wondering what my problem was.  I didn’t even know exactly why I was upset.  By the time we finished with the argument, I realized I was more mad at myself than I was at Chris.  I couldn’t believe I was being so selfish.  I was so ashamed.  I got in my car and drove while I started to cry a bit.  I realized I am what I never wanted to be…selfish, egotistical, and a bitch.

After I had that realization during the random driving, I gave Chris a call and apologized.  We talked a little and he was understanding as well as forgiving.  I’m so very lucky to have such a great friend.  I’ve been using some of my alone time this weekend to really think about things.  I interviewed my little sister years ago for the documentary I had intentions of making then.  She said that I was selfish and egotistical then.  I didn’t believe her.  I saw her as the selfish one.  Now I’m realizing that she was right.  I feel I owe her an apology, but at the same time, I’m not sure I’m ready to.  I’ve only just allowed myself to become aware of the issue.  Maybe I should spend some time working on the issues first.  Then agian, maybe now is the best time.  I don’t know.

So, a bit of personal growth for me this weekend.  These realizations told me a lot.  It tells me I’m unhappy with myself.  I see a pretty face in the mirror, but I know the person underneath isn’t who I want to be.  The good news is that with time, patience, and work, I know I can better myself.  The first step is admitting you have a problem.  So wish me luck in solving it.  Chris said to me that it’s unfortunate because now’s when I should be happy.  I just got settled in at a new location with a brand new, fantastic job.  Self struggle can happen at even the best of times, I guess.

Anyway, enough of this depressing talk, let’s talk about what else is going on.  Tonight I visited the LGBT Community Center of the Chippewa Valley.  They had a board meeting tonight, and in a month or two, they’ll be voting for new board members.  I’m going to run for membership of the board.  I really want to get actively involved in the community again, and this just seems like the right path for that.  It’s a great resource, and I think I can make a difference there.  I have skills that, from what it sounds, the center could really use right now.  They were happy to see me.  I know some of the members of the board from college.  So, it’s nice to be among friends.

On the front of giving back to the community, I was also asked to present a forum at UW Eau Claire on October 22nd.  It’ll probably run 2 hours or so.  It’ll be about trans issues, of course.  Specifically, they want me to relate the subject matter to my experiences at the University.  So it should be fun.  If you’re going to be in the area, and you’ve never heard me speak, come.  It’ll be a fun time.  It may not be the most exciting thing to do on a Tuesday night, but it’ll still be fun.

To add to all of that, my good friend at the University, Professor Fessler, has already asked me if I’d like to lecture her Monday night class at some point this fall.  Sounds like I’ll be a regular fixture in the syllabus.  That’s always exciting.  I miss speaking in her classes.  She always has such an interesting and energetic group of students.  I don’t think I’ve ever had a disappointing group.  I look forward to it.

There was a recent book published here in the Eau Claire area.  It was written by two parents with two gay children, and apparently it’s a wonderful read.  The two authors have been doing a lot of book signings and are planning on doing a few forums too.  So it’s exciting to have them here in this area and benefiting the world.  They’ve had me thinking about the book I’ve wanted to write for years.  I’m strongly considering talking to my Professor friend, and several others, about helping me get my book underway.  I have my outline, it’s just got to move on from there.  I’ll bring it up next time I talk to her.

Let’s see…what else is new.  Last weekend I helped my friend Adam move across town…in Madison, which is three hours away.  I also helped my friend Leia move as well.  It was a tiring weekend.  Then this weekend, Chris and I decided to move a bunch of stuff around in our house.  The guest room is now a guest room / den.  Since I’m not doing freelance anymore, there’s no need for a dedicated office.  So we’ve moved the futon up and moved my iMac as well.  Now we can relax and watch netflix or Hulu from a comfy futon.  We also have an old school analog TV with a VCR (remember those?) and a super Nintendo.  We’re considering putting a Dreamcast there too.  So, it’s exciting.  In fact, I’m in the Den right now typing this blog entry.

I got my new Android phone that was burning a hole in my pocket.  That has been a lot of fun.  So far, it hasn’t disappointed at all.  I’m loving it.  I’m glad I didn’t switch providers just for the iPhone.  I’m actually considering being even more nerdy and developing an app or two for the phone.  I think it’d be hilarious to have a rotary phone dialer on there.  Plus, my friend Tracy’s last name is Apps.  I think it’d be so much fun to develop two apps called “Tracy”.  That way there would be the “Tracy” Apps.  Seriously though, I do want to develop something for the phone.  I just need a solid idea, other than the rotary dialer.  What do you think I should develop?

Chris and I held “bad movie night” just over a week ago.  We watched Street Fighter: the Legend of Chun Li and Dragonball: Evolution.  I’ve seen Dragonball before, and I have to say, it has really grown on me.  It’s not nearly as bad as I remember it.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a great movie by any means, but it’s got a coherent story, captures the spirit of the anime, and is actually pretty fun to watch.  Street Fighter, however, was complete garbage.  There was no real redeeming factor to the film at all.  The plot is laughably bad and has no real solid footing at all.  The acting is gag-able.  The effects are cheezy, fighting is bad, and really…there’s no reason to see the film unless you want to make fun of it.  If you truly want to watch a terrible film, see it.  It’s that bad.  We had a blast watching it.

The job is still going exceedingly well.  I love it so far.  I’m starting to feel like I fit in, and it’s not quite feeling like I’m just filling in for someone for a few weeks.  This move was certainly a great thing.  Now that I have a job and am feeling a bit of security, I was able to fix my car too.  So, while the air conditioning is still broken, at least the tie rod is not going to fail on me while driving.

There’s a lot happening in this post, but the question of the post is easy:  What was your experience getting a slice of humble pie?

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Posted in LGBT, Movie Review, Personal Growth, Random, friends, work | 2 Comments »