Archive for the ‘spirituality’ Category

Straight Women…

Sunday, March 28th, 2010

Holy crap, it’s been a month!  Why didn’t someone tell me?!!  It’s been a busy time, that’s for sure.  I’ve actually been enjoying it, though it’s nice to get time to de-stress once in a while.  I haven’t had much of that lately, and most likely things will remain busy for a few months.  I’m thinking after June actually.  I can’t complain though.  Things have been pretty good lately.  I’d like to eventually get on a weekly blogging schedule though.  It’d be easier in the long run.

Straight Women

Ah the title of the post…Straight women are the bane of my most recent existence.  I’ve been actively seeking out love lately, and things have been a bit rough going.  About two and a half weeks ago, I went to hang out with a friend of mine for the first time.  We went to a nearby restaurant and had this adorable waitress. For some reason, I actually had the courage to flirt with her.  I was giving her eyes and a lot of attention every time she came by.  Oddly, she seemed to be returning it.  Then, I made mention in passing about my fencing, and she got really interested and started asking questions.  I answered what I could, and then I told her it was free.  I started explaining when practices are, but explained that there were some disruptions coming up.  So I asked if I could just call her with info…which got me her number.  When she gave it to me, she said I could call her with info.  I then laid it on thick and was like…”Can I call you anyway?” to which she responded very distinctly and with a smile “Yes”.  There were plenty of clear messages going back and forth, or so it seemed to me and my friend.

I called her a few days later, and I got her voice mail.  I left a message that was cutesy saying who I was and if we’d like to talk fencing or…other stuff…as I put it.  She called back and left a message that said she was interested in both.  Again…to me clear messages going back and forth…  The next night I called her, and her boyfriend answered the phone.  I then got to talk to her, and it was a pleasant conversation.  She explained a bit about herself and I myself, and it became very clear very quickly that she had no clue that I was flirting with her at the restaurant.  She just thought I was a cool girl that was all about making new friends.  So…I just let her think that.  It was pretty disappointing for me, not going to lie.  I believe it was that night that I posted on twitter “My new motto is ‘Expect Disappointment and you’ll never be disappointed’.  As pessimistic as that may be, it surely seems true.  At least I made a new friend, right?

Enter part two… I’m on okcupid, and I have been chatting it up with this girl.  We’re connecting.  Our conversations are stimulating.  I’m really liking her and I’m thinking she likes me.  I have noticed her profile says straight, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything.  There’s a whole slew of reasons why someone might post their profile as straight while being not straight.  I assume nothing.  Well…I decided to ask just to be sure, and sure enough…she’s straight.  She’s just looking for friends.  That’s cool…again, just disappointing.  We’ve actually become fast friends and are chatting a lot.  So good has come out of it, but doesn’t change the fact that it was hard to hear that another person I’m attracted to isn’t interested.  Twice in one week.

So yeah…straight girls…

Loneliness

A lot of things have impacted my emotional state lately.  The straight girl situation is one of them.  All in all though, my desires to find someone have pushed forward, and now I’m just starting to feel incredibly lonely.  I have great friends, but I have no one I can cuddle up next to.  I’ve been dealing with some highs and lows lately because of it.  I’ll get through it, but it’s been a bit rough lately.

OkCupid

Like I said, I’m on OkCupid now, and at first my expectations were good.  I thought with it being free, there’d be a lot more people on there.  Unfortunately, the actuality has been a bit disappointing.  I’ve had some responses here and there, but what’s happened is the women I’m attracted to aren’t responding back to me, the people I don’t want to talk to are contacting me a lot, and I’ve also had the aforementioned straight girl situation.  So the reality is that it hasn’t really improved my outlook.

I have had lots of luck in the past with Yahoo Personals.  So this morning, I signed up for a month.  I will see how that goes.  There’s also the possibility of www.plentyoffish.com, which has been recommended by several people.  So we’ll see.  I usually hate that phrase though.  My mother always said that to me after a breakup.  I don’t get fishing analogies.

New Friends

The upside to okcupid and the straight girl scenario is that I’ve made a new friend or two.  I’ve also randomly come across some really cool people that have now become fast friends with  me.  What’s that old phrase…if you can’t beat em? Assimilate them? Shit…I don’t think that’s right.  Oh well.  Anyway, it’s nice to have people to hang out with though.  It feels like I’m really settling into this area, which is cool.  I hope this trend continues.  In fact, I’m considering having a grand party with all of my friends this summer.  I think it’ll be a blast.  I’ll probably announce it on here when it’s going to happen.  So watch for it.

Taxes

I did my taxes finally.  I thought that this year was going to suck as far as taxes are concerned.  After all the freelance, the unemployment, and the lack of business purchases to offset costs, I thought I’d be paying in the thousands.  I was pleasantly shocked to see that it was not the case.  I ended up fairing quite well after all the expenses I had.  The only big one was the laptop I bought for editing and web work.  It ended up making the biggest difference.  In the end, I made out with a net positive.  So, with that, one of my new years resolutions is on the brink of coming true.  I will be paying off all my furniture debt this coming week.  I’m looking forward to it.  One less bill a month.

Camera

In other good news, one of my long standing goals is about to come true.  I’m going to buy a shiny new camera.  I’ve wanted something to shoot high quality video with.  With the advent of the latest Canon cameras being able to do really nice still photos as well as full 1080p high definition video, it’s a great option for me.  I’ve been working extra at work, which is brining in some extra money.  Along with a few other financial improvements of late, I actually am in a great position to buy this camera, and perfect timing too.  I have a wedding for a family member to shoot in a month or so, and I want a secondary camera to shoot stuff at Pridefest with.   So this will serve so many uses.  I’m going to be selling my original camera, and I’ve already got a buyer.  So, it’s going to be awesome.  I’ll be sure to post stuff on here for all to see.

Speaking in Audrey’s class

I got the opportunity to speak in my favorite professor’s class again recently.  If you recall in a previous post, I didn’t think it went as well the last time I did this.  So I was a bit more nervous about this presentation.  I changed up the format again.  Audrey (the professor) always asks her students to look at my website and come up with questions to ask me prior to my visit.  I get access to those questions.  What I decided to do was actually structure the discussion around the questions asked.  It actually worked quite well.  This was perhaps the best presentation I’ve ever given.  I think the response was fantastic!  I had a lot of fun.

There were a couple of students that wrote very religious comments that I decided to just skip over.  I do not feel that I need to or should read comments that are hurtful and prejudiced, despite the perhaps good intentions they were written with.  Religious intolerance is probably the biggest issue that affects the LGBT community, and because of that, I didn’t hold back as far as that part of my story is concerned.  I talked about how I do not identify as Christian anymore.  I told the story of the pastor basically kicking me out of the church and God’s people turning their back on me.  I explained that I never felt that God hated me, made a mistake with me, or ever did anything other than love me.  Hopefully those words didn’t fall on deaf ears.

Dentist Visit

Chris and my good friend, Chris (yes, I know that’s confusing), is also our dentist.  I haven’t gone in about a year or more.  It was time.  So I made an appointment and went in.  I knew something was wrong and that I most likely had a cavity.  As it happens, I had three…maybe even four.  I had no idea.  I’ve mentioned in the past that I have a high pain tolerance.  When I was shown which teeth had problems, I was surprised.  I felt no pain or discomfort.

So this past week, I went in to get half of them taken care of.  Apparently they only do one half of the mouth at a time.  Personally, I’d rather just get them all done at once, but I wasn’t given that choice.  I doubt they had that much time open anyway.  I have to say…the dental hygienist / assistant to the dentist was quite attractive.  She’s, of course, quite straight, but attractive nonetheless.  In a few weeks I get the rest taken care of.  Then I can move on to making an appointment with my eye doctor.  Hooray!

Youth Group

The youth group has been a lot of fun so far.  I feel a lot more confident now than when I was a mentor the first time.  Maybe it’s because I’ve matured a lot since then.  I think it helps that I’m past all the transition stuff.  Anyway, I’ve really enjoyed working with the kids.  I think this group will soak up a lot of my energies in the future, which is good.  It doesn’t feel draining in the slightest.  Maybe that says a lot about what I should be devoting my time to in life.

Question of the blog

What is your most disappointing story when it comes to finding love?

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Posted in Goals, LGBT, Love, Transgender, depression, friends, spirituality | 4 Comments »

Infectious Experience

Monday, January 11th, 2010

I can easily say that so far, this new year / decade has not started well.  Hopefully it’s not like the whole “woke up on the wrong side of the bed” scenario.  It started with me getting sick with a head cold right on New Years Day.  How wonderful…

I hate being sick.  It doesn’t happen often, but for some reason I’ve been sick twice in the past 6 months.  This one was worse than the last.   It didn’t seem that way at first, but after five days of blowing my nose raw it was pretty obvious.  Then suddenly I stopped getting better, and the awesomeness coming out of my nose turned neon yellow.  So on Saturday, I went to Urgent Care to get my sinus infection diagnosed.

While I was there, the doctor informed me that my left ear had wax buildup.  That’s the same ear that had blockage problems last year.  So, on Sunday, I decided to try the ear wax removal drops I have and see what happens.  I figured I could take care of it.  Instead, the drops got stuck in my ear.  I couldn’t get them out.  I tried just about everything from a q-tip to jumping up and down to a blow drier to sleeping on my ear to let it drain out.  Nothing worked.  So all night and all day I had a blocked left ear that was kind of annoying.

So that meant today I got to go back to the doctor.  How fun!  This time they flushed my ear and got the offending wax out.  Finally the water drained!  My god what a relief.  I was then informed that I had an ear infection to go along with my sinus infection.  That’s wonderful.  I don’t know if I’ve ever had an ear infection before.

What I found odd…my doc told me that most people complain of a big ear ache along with an ear infection like mine.  I didn’t really notice.  It was a little uncomfortable and the whole being deaf in one ear was annoying.  Otherwise, I guess I never noticed.  Makes me wonder how high my pain tolerance is.  I know I don’t get headaches often and I only keep tylenol in my cabinet because someone might need it at some point.  I must be weird…

So yeah, things are getting better.   I should be finally breathing easy again by the end of this week.  I’m sick of blowing my nose, and I’m sure my roommates and coworkers are sick of hearing it.  I’m excited though…today was the first time in a while that I’ve felt truly hungry.  So I made myself a big dinner, and it was fantastic!

Let’s see…let’s go backward.  New Years Eve was fun.  Chris and I went to our friend’s Sarah and Kit’s house.  It was a great time.  We played Pit and enjoyed everyone’s company.  There was good food and a lot of laughs.

Christmas isn’t what it once was for my family.  We didn’t do the gifts thing this year.  No one could really afford it.  So it was really just food and family.  Don’t get me wrong, that’s great.  It’s just doesn’t feel like it did when I was a kid.  Plus, we do everything on Christmas Eve now since my siblings have families.  I’m really the only one staying over at my parents’ house now.  I miss that feeling of wonder and excitement of childhood Christmases.  All things change I guess.

I did end up spending money on myself though.  I bought an electric blanket.  My parents had one on my bed when I was at home, and I just loved it.  I haven’t regretted buying it at all so far.  In fact, I’m sitting under it right now.

My family went to see Avatar, which…awesome! If you haven’t, go see it, and go see it in digital 3D.  I have already gone to see it twice.  I may see it a third time before it leaves theaters.  Such a cool film.

I can’t forget to mention this.  Right after Christmas, a great friend of both mine and Chris came to visit all the way from San Francisco, California.  Her name is Lisa.  She went to college with both Chris and I, and she’s the coolest hippie I know.  We spent the Monday night after Christmas hanging out, catching up, sharing good food, and loving every minute of it.  She is a friend I hope I stay in contact with for the rest of my life.  We have such a great connection.

Lisa, Chris, and I are such kindred spirits.  There are so few people that I can talk so deeply with about things that are so personal and sacred.  I trust them with anything.  Lisa, Chris, and I talked about something that I’ve felt for a long time.  It’s this feeling…no…longing to go home.  By home, I mean back to where our souls come from.  This world is so mundane, so harsh, so hurtful…yet we’re here…trapped in these fleshy shells with such limited perceptions of time and space.  I know a big part of me yearns to be released from my entrapment, but I know I still have things I have yet to do here.  I may not know what those things are, but…I just know.  Both Chris and Lisa share that feeling, and it’s nice to know that I’m not alone in feeling what I feel.  I think that is a wonderful thing to share.  I am so grateful to know both of them.

Let’s see…since I haven’t written since Thanksgiving really, none of my readers know of the crap I had to deal with in December.  The big one was that my car’s fuel pump finally died.  All of my plans for a new laptop went out the window.  I had to put my moneys toward a shiny new pump to make my car run again.  $700 dollars later and I got just that.  My car has been running beautifully ever since.

Out of that fiasco and disappointment, I did some thinking and really decided that I really did need a new laptop.  I finally decided to sell my iMac.  I figured it was the only way to get the laptop that I really needed.  So I went about doing that and success!  I was able to sell it.  I realized also that I had some software licenses on it that were also worth money that I could sell separately.  I ended up coming out quite well in the deal.  I got myself a shiny new fiery red Sony Vaio laptop with some nice fixins on the inside.  It’s been serving me well for a couple weeks new, and I am quite happy with it.  That was really my Christmas gift to myself.

So, that means…I can actually do some of the things I’ve been holding off on.  Unfortunately due to my getting sick for so long, I’ve had no energy to do any of it over the duration of my time with this laptop.  So, as this week progresses, I’m guessing more will get done.  I’m feeling my energy come back with each day.  I’ve been doing theming research for drupal.  So genderverse should be set within a week.   Mark my words!

I have another major post I plan on writing in the next couple days too.  I have had something on my mind that I feel I really need to share.  So stay tuned for that.  In the meantime…I’m sore from my terrible night’s sleep last night.  I’m still recovering from my infections, and I’m tired.  So…yes I know it’s only 10:30pm, but I’m going to bed.  Sweet dreams all!

Question of the blog: Do you ever feel like I feel about this world and experience?

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Posted in family, friends, sick, spirituality | 2 Comments »

60 thousand e-mails

Thursday, January 29th, 2009

Remember a couple months ago when I was recently broken up with, and I remembered back to my college days.  Remember when I talked about how it was great to be busy all the time because it kept me from feeling lonely? Remember how that was my plan…to keep busy all the time?  Well guess what? It happened.  As they say, be careful what you wish for.  I am busy as hell.  I’ve got shit going on every day.  And when I don’t have shit going on, I have freelance to do.  All of that is good though…right?  I think so. Anyway, on to the news.

Today in Iraq….wait…not that news.  I meant the news about my past busy week.  I’ll start with Tuesday.  Have you ever sent yourself 60 thousand e-mails in a matter of say…15 minutes? I can now add that to my list of accomplishments.  There are a few things you’re not supposed to do in programming.  One of them is to close your database connections when you’re done with them. Another is to not eat Cheetos and then mouse or type getting cheese all over the keys.  Probably the most important one though…DO NOT RUN AN INFINITE LOOP.  Guess what I did on Tuesday?  Can’t guess.  Oh yeah…infinite loop.  I forgot one key line that’s all of 11 characters: rs.movenext.  That line says to the loop…great…we’re done with this item, what’s the next one now? So due to that, it never got to its end point.  The loop I ran sent out an e-mail to myself each time through.  I managed to completely back log the e-mail smtp on our web server.  We had to reboot the dev server and stop the smtp, clear out as much as we could, and then restart it all.  At least I didn’t manage to crash anything.  Oh…and of course, it was the last function I had to code before the software was ready to go. Figures huh?  There’s nothing like that feeling of “Oh No” when you hit run, and suddenly your e-mail inbox is flooded with e-mails that say “FAILED” in big capital letters in the subject line.  How fitting and…when I look back on it…hilarious.  I should have taken a video and posted it on the failblog.  Oh well.

I want to clear up a controversy in my life, which is an intended dramatic overstatement.  In my last post I suggested that I may have had a date this past weekend.  Well, I lied.  Sorta.  A friend of mine bought a shiny new car. In fact, it was a Mustang.  I was offered a ride in it.  This also happens to be a trans friend of mine that I’m somewhat attracted to.  So…call it slightly wishful thinking. Ultimately, neither of us had time.  So it didn’t happen anyway. That should clear things up.

Speaking of relationships, I had an odd one start recently.  I got a facebook e-mail from someone I hadn’t seen in years.  It was one of the girls that lived in the neighborhood when I was in grade school.  I remember hanging out with her sister a few times.  I didn’t really spend any time with her though.  So it was a little odd.  It was basically saying hi and that she heard about my transition and thought it was cool.  She wanted to chat.  She IMed me through facebook and we talked.  During the conversation, it came out that she had a crush on me back in the day when I was a grade school boy.  I said that it was interesting and told her I was pretty oblivious to that stuff back then…cause I was.  We continued to talk and she made mention that she apparently still has those same feelings.  This came as a shock because I don’t even know this girl.  I really don’t remember even talking to her.  I don’t know her now.  She doesn’t know me.  So I was a little creeped out.  Then after that, she was like…you drive a green focus don’t you? I’ve seen it parked at your parents house.  Yeah…at this time here’s what’s going on in my head:  *red lights flashing*  *alarms going off* warning!! warning!!      Yeah…way creeped out at that point.  She offered me her number and wanted me to call her so we can meet.  I’ve stayed off facebook and I didn’t write the number down. I’m now up to two creepy stalker types, and one of them lives within driving distance.  That’s no good.

Random stuff…my car passed emissions testing.  I made sure my credit cards are officially enrolled in the payment plan (for some reason, one wasn’t being included).  I’ve been eating well lately.  And I’m making a lot of business contacts.  So that’s good stuff.

Speaking of the business, this past weekend was a video shoot for the Children’s program I’m involved in.  I have to say, I was not impressed with the technology brought in to shoot this promo.  We had three Hi-8 cameras…not digital 8…just good old analog Hi-8.  There were no lights.  The microphones weren’t bad, but the guy wanted to route a wireless lav into a cassette deck.  Wow.  I used my hand held camera to shoot some behind the scenes footage, and I found it sad that my tiny little camcorder captures a much better resolution than the Hi-8 cameras could possibly get.  This will be interesting.  Anyway, the puppeteer for the show wanted me to meet with an arts organization for possible involvement.  So we set up a meeting for Monday.

At the meeting Monday night, I got to meet the man who founded the organization and heard more about what they’re looking for.  Turns out I’m just what they want.  They are looking for someone with video skills that knows the net.  I can use them for grant applications, and they can use me to boost their marketability and visibility.  Turns out they want to produce a children’s show too. This one would be a traditional half hour program with segments.  I’m excited! I think we could easily get a grant to produce it.  I’m all for it.  It’s a non-profit organization too.  I’m covered under their liability insurance, and I’ll get a share of the gig money when I shoot the video for it.  How awesome is that?! Doors opened and none of them closed.  So I’m all in. In the meantime, they’re also going to help me search for women in business grants too.  Maybe I can get a red!

Lastly, tonight I finally got to meet a trans friend that I’ve known for several years.  We started talking when I was in college. Apparently her son was going to UWEC too.  I went over to her house and met her and her partner in person.  They also have a cute boxer puppy! We talked, had dinner, and watched a movie.  It was nice.  It’s not often I get to meet friends like that.  We’re very different in age.  Both of them were about as old as my parents.  It was fascinating to me to see two trans people so religious too.  One would not expect to go to a trans family’s house and say grace at the dinner table, but it happened tonight.  It was interesting to hear them discuss the movie too, which was “A Walk to Remember” starring Mandy Moore and Shane West.  They would make comments about how one was meant for the other to heal them and what not.  I remember making comments like that back when I identified as a christian.  It was different for me, and yet in a lot of ways, it was refreshing.  It makes me happy to see that not all transpeople go through the negativity I internalized after getting kicked out of a church.  So yeah…I had a good time…and did I mention the food?  Steak? Damn!

And here ends the reading.  I’ll be doing my best to get the next podcast out this weekend.  It’s been hectic! I’ll get to it though.  Until next time…

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Posted in Freelance, Money, Transgender, friends, spirituality | 1 Comment »

Spark rekindled

Wednesday, January 7th, 2009

I had a revelation tonight! It has changed me.  It started earlier today.  I checked my mailbox and the priority mail envelope from the debt agency was there.  All the paperwork has been filled out and is back in the mail ready to be returned.  After that I decided to watch the Matrix.

No…I don’t feel the world is a computer program.  Sometimes I feel as if it is holographic, but right now, I feel like it is what I make of it.  After the movie was over, I was thinking about how I am going to repay my debt because I made it happen.  I, of course, haven’t repaid it yet, but I am on my way to making it happen.  I realized that I created that reality.  I am a powerful being.

I guess I am starting to see the power of the law of attraction.  We really do bring to ourselves what we visualize in our heads.  We are like gods, all of us.  We create our own world.  We can make anything happen.  It’s not a matter of visualizing or wishing for it.  All we have to do is know it in our hearts, and its true.  With that knowledge, we can move mountains.  I have no doubt of that.

My optimism has returned.  My creative drive has returned.  And greatest of all, my motivation to make a difference is back.  It’s time to get shit done.  2009 is a great year.  I just posted a new front page notice at translife.net about creating a brand new design for the backbone of the site.  I’m looking for volunteers.  So hopefully I’ll get plenty of suggestions and offers for assistance.  It’s high time I did something with the site.

It’s time to make the gender revolution happen!

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Posted in Goals, Transgender, spirituality | 1 Comment »

Testing the Waters

Friday, December 5th, 2008

Today I took a big step.  I was watching a video and it made me think of how much Jenn would love it.  So I decided to send it to her.  I suppose I should have been expecting a response, but I wasn’t.  Then when it showed up, I was unprepared.  Her e-mail was friendly. Really it was too friendly.  It asked about the job thing and Scarlet and made note of how it was weird not to be talking to each other.  To me, when I read it, it was almost as if nothing had happened between us.  Her tone and feel was much like that. It brought up some feelings that I couldn’t quell. I cried…at work.

No one saw.  I cried for a few moments at my desk, and then grabbed some tissues as I walked to a quiet, empty area.  I let it out.  I had to.  I’m not ready to talk to her yet.  It felt like I stepped back in time two or three days in my emotional healing.  I think it was necessary though.  It was me testing the waters to see how I feel.  Now I know I’m not ready and probably won’t be for a bit yet.

I was honest in my reply to her.  I answered her questions and then just said that I wasn’t ready to talk yet.  I am still sorting out my shit and said that it was probably going to be a while.  She said she understands and will be there when I’m ready.  Who knows when that will be.  I am left wondering if she has an idea now of how much this breakup affected me.

It’s always easier on the breakup-er and much harder on the breakup-ee.  For me it felt as if she had no remorse about the breakup, which I know isn’t true, but it was just too happy go lucky.  At least…more so than I was expecting.  It makes me think back on my breakups with Brianna and Tracy.  With Brianna, I saw the things I didn’t like, and it was easier for me to break up.  Afterwards I felt as if I did the right thing.  I’m sure Jenn feels that way.  With Tracy…we both cried.  We both knew it was right, but we both still hurt.  I guess it’s always different.

Tonight was the spiritual seminar I go to monthly.  We talked about change and dealing with change. Another fitting topic…I love karma.  I was reaffirmed by my fellow attendees that I am handling my pain and healing in a healthy way.  I’m not running away from it.  I’m not sending angry e-mails to my ex.  I’m not drowning my pain in alcohol.  I’m facing it, and I’m mourning it.  I’m learning from it.  I hope I come out for the better.

When I told Chris about the whole event with the e-mail today, I started by saying I did something I regretted today.  He immediately responded with “You didn’t send Jenn an angry e-mail did you?”, to which I said no.  I’ve realized that I really have no reason to be mad at her.  She was so respectable and honest about her feelings.  I have to respect that.  I’ve been in her position and I know how difficult it is.  I have no right to be angry.  It takes a lot of courage to be honest when breaking up with someone.  I just wish it didn’t have to happen at all.

Anyway, just my thoughts for the day.

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Posted in Heartbreak, Uncategorized, spirituality | 1 Comment »