Archive for the ‘Heartbreak’ Category

Remembering

Thursday, November 26th, 2009

Marking Time

Normally I post about every two weeks.  I held off on posting this time because I wanted to mark time.  Today was Thanksgiving.  A year ago today I was given a rude awakening by someone I loved.  I also had my heart torn from me to which I’m still healing from.  It was important to me to specifically remember this day…this night.

A year ago, Jenn, my ex girlfriend, abruptly broke up with me after what I thought was a beautiful relationship.  She was honest and forthright when she broke it off, and for that I’m thankful.  It didn’t change the hurt, but it was the decent way to do it.  I’ve been thinking a lot about that night for the past year.  It truly changed me.  Suddenly I saw flaws in myself that I found myself shocked that I never saw before.  For that reason, I felt ashamed of myself.  Yes, I know we all have flaws.  It’s just…finding out that you have an ego problem and talk down to people when you hate it when other people do that…it’s like a bad dream.  I only hope that I’ve at least somewhat gotten past that ego.  I don’t want it, and I never want to be that person.

I’m glad Jenn broke up with me for that reason alone.  Now…that aside, I had something happen to me recently that made me think.  Chris and I have been watching How I Met Your Mother lately.  We watched the episode “Slap Bet”, and in it, Neil Patrick Harris’ character talks about what he calls an “O moment”.  By that he means that when you’re dating someone, and they do something that makes you go “Ohhhhh….” and think “yeah, this isn’t going to work.”  For Jenn, realizing my ego existed was her O moment.  She told me so and even referenced the episode of HIMYM during the breakup.  I hadn’t seen the episode at the time.  I found it interesting that I saw the episode about a year after she decided to break if off.

I have a problem with this concept of “O moments”.  Sure we have issues with the people we date, but there should never really be just one thing that does it in, unless it’s something serious, like murder, rape, etc.   She couldn’t a. get passed my ego at the time, b.  ever mention it to me and c. work with me on my own quest to change.  Instead she wanted to just dump me.  To me that says that she wasn’t worth my time.  If she couldn’t accept me at my worst, then she didn’t deserve me at my best.

One year later, I can definitely say I’m over her.  I’m happy that she broke up with me now.  I think it was good for me to learn my faults.  I also think in the long run, I probably wouldn’t have been happy with her.  So it’s all for the best.  I really don’t know when I will date again.  While I may be over Jenn, I still have a lot to work on as far as my own issues go.  I’m sure that will be a life long journey.  I’m in no rush, and being in a smaller city, I don’t have as many opportunities to date.  Who knows, but I’m sure I’ll write about it when it happens.

Day of Rememberance

Yup, lot of remembering in this post.  Last week Friday was the Transgender Day of Remembrance.  I spent the day lecturing at Menomonie High School and UW Stout, both in Menomonie, WI.

At 10:00 am, I was in the auditorium at the High School, and wow…I have never had attendance like that before.  There were 250 some students.  Hands down, that was the smoothest presentation I have given in a long time.  The group was really engaged and asked a lot of questions.  I thought I was going to be intimidated by such a large group, but it wasn’t an issue.  I actually got asked so many questions that I forgot to talk about the film “Transamerica”, which was requested by one of the teachers.  I felt a bit bad about that.  Considering the school has recently had some incidents with bad treatment of LGBT identified students, it sure seems like they are headed in the right direction.  I had about 20 students come up to talk to me right after wards to say thanks and such.  One of them gave me a pride bracelet that they had made for me.  I was not expecting that.  Thank you to the girl that gave me that.  It fits nicely.

UW Stout was also a good time, though the turn out was low.  I can’t say that I’m surprised considering it was a Friday afternoon.  A lot of college students are quick to head for home on Fridays.  Still, for the people that were there, it went very well.  I know some of the things I said really impacted some of the people there.  They came up and told me so afterwards.  I was even asked for my autograph!  That’s never happened before.

That night I also was hosting drop in night at the LGBT Community Center.  We had good conversation.  It was a long day, and I was exhausted by the end of it.  I want to say though, it was an honor to be able to represent the Transgender community on such an important day.  Every year we lose so many to hate and fear.  I only hope that my efforts, and the efforts of all the other trans advocates out there, we can fight that fear and hatred through education and awareness.

Car problems

I had a bit of a scare with my car during the past few weeks.  About two weeks ago, I was leaving work, and suddenly my car wouldn’t start.  I almost drained the battery trying to get it to turn over.  It was odd…and out of the blue.  I had to call Chris to come pick me up.  My car sat in the parking lot for the weekend until I could have it towed.

The mechanic wasn’t sure what it was at first because, surprise, he could start it just fine.  They thought maybe the fuel pump was going.  Upon looking, the fuel filter needed to be changed badly.  So, I got that done, and now it seems to be running fine.  I had one more incident when it wouldn’t start, but since then, no problems.  That’s good because I don’t have the 650 bucks it would cost to fix.

Swords

I know I may have said at one point that I likely wouldn’t go back to fencing, but it looks like I may.  Chris, Josh, and I watched a film called “Reclaiming the Blade”, which talks about the history of swords and their use in fighting.  Specifically it talks about groups today re-learning the historical ways of fighting with them using old manuscripts.  It was fascinating.

Josh didn’t know that there was a fencing group in the Chippewa Valley.  He had no idea that I had learned fencing of sorts in college and had attended a similar group in Milwaukee.  He was so excited because he’s always wanted to learn how to fence.  So, we, as a group, decided that we’re going to start going to the fencing group together starting in January.  It’ll be great to have people to train with and learn with at the same level.  I’m sure there will be many a photo taken, which I will post here.

New Website

Gendeverse is coming along.  It looks like I’m going to go with Drupal, mainly due to its flexibility.  I don’t know what the site will grow into and Wordpress may be too limiting.  I have a logo design done, and I’m working on a site design.  I like the color scheme, and I think it’s going to be quite classy.  My goal is to launch by the new year.

As mentioned in the last post, I talked about a friend that would make a great asset to Genderverse.  If you are following Genderverse on twitter, I put him in charge of that account, and he’s been doing some amazing things.  He is none other than Adam Chernow, and he is teh awesome.  Thanks Adam for being teh awesome.  There couldn’t be a better person to manage the twitter feed for us.

Hollywood

I wish I could use that title to say something like “Yeah, Hollywood called me to talk about movie rights to my life”, but I’m not that amazing.  I wish I was, but I’m not.  Anyway, what I can say is that I have a friend that has followed my blog for years.  She happens to work out in Hollywood as a producer and editor.  She has offered to help me get my career started out there if ever I want it.

How cool is that?!!  I can easily say that it has been my dream to work out there doing films / TV etc.  I remember my mother saying so many times that I put too much of myself out there with this blog, but it has never been a negative thing for me.  It’s only opened doors.  This is one of those that I never would have expected, and it’s totally amazing.

That said, I’m not in any hurry to run out to California.  While it’s a dream, I’m not ready for it yet.  I’m actually in quite a good and comfortable place right now.  I like my job.  I like my living situation.  I like how things are shaping up with my speaking career and advocacy work.  I have plenty of time.  I’m going to ensure that my skills are in shape, and maybe in five years, I’ll move out there.  It’s nice to know I have a plan, and who knows…plans change.  We’ll see what the universe has in store for me.

Giving Thanks

Before I say good night, I want to just say a few things I’m thankful for.  I’m thankful for my family, my friends, my fans, good food, bad jokes, people who laugh at bad jokes, my job, my fellow advocates in the trans community, the interwebs, icanhascheezburger.com, my car still running, having a warm bed to sleep in, life, and love.  There are so many more things I could say, but I’ll leave it at that.  Thanks for reading everyone.

Question of the Blog

What have you experienced in your life that you needed a long time to reflect upon before moving forward?

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Posted in Heartbreak, LGBT, Love, Personal Growth, Transgender, dreams, family, friends | 3 Comments »

It’s starting

Monday, December 8th, 2008

[content removed]

In the meantime, I should acknowledge that I had website problems this weekend. If you were attempting to view my blog or any other part of this website, you would have seen “Internal Server Error”. I was notified on Saturday morning that my webhost had to move my account on Friday due to some emergency.  In the process of moving servers, something broke.  It took until Sunday for me to learn what it was and fix it.  In the process, I accidentally overwrote my main video site.  Oops.  It’s ok though.  I had every intention of changing this website anyway.  So now I have a temp site up that I think looks much cleaner than the old one.  Eventually the video demo reel won’t be there, and you’ll just see my professional speaking stuff.

I’m in a good place now I think with the break up.  I wouldn’t say I’m over it, but I’m not crying about it at all anymore.  I’m not feeling as lonely as I was this weekend and this past week.  I think you could say I’m moving on.  I think it’ll be a month before I’m back to normal, but I’m doing ok.

I think escapism has helped.  I spent most of my time this weekend in the wonderful world of Second Life.  I used that time to think and talk to people.  It helped.  There really isn’t much to do in Second Life that I find exciting, but I can have fun if I try.  So, it was good.  I just didn’t do much else this weekend that was productive.  Finally as of last night I started to feel like I was motivated again.

The one thing I did get done that I needed to get done was my laundry.  While I was in the process of doing that, I noticed an ice sculpture in front of the restaurant across the street.  I grabbed my camera and snapped a few photos.  When I get the chance later, I will post a couple shots.

Anyway, wish me luck that I hear something today on the job.

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Posted in Employment, Freelance, Heartbreak | 1 Comment »

Testing the Waters

Friday, December 5th, 2008

Today I took a big step.  I was watching a video and it made me think of how much Jenn would love it.  So I decided to send it to her.  I suppose I should have been expecting a response, but I wasn’t.  Then when it showed up, I was unprepared.  Her e-mail was friendly. Really it was too friendly.  It asked about the job thing and Scarlet and made note of how it was weird not to be talking to each other.  To me, when I read it, it was almost as if nothing had happened between us.  Her tone and feel was much like that. It brought up some feelings that I couldn’t quell. I cried…at work.

No one saw.  I cried for a few moments at my desk, and then grabbed some tissues as I walked to a quiet, empty area.  I let it out.  I had to.  I’m not ready to talk to her yet.  It felt like I stepped back in time two or three days in my emotional healing.  I think it was necessary though.  It was me testing the waters to see how I feel.  Now I know I’m not ready and probably won’t be for a bit yet.

I was honest in my reply to her.  I answered her questions and then just said that I wasn’t ready to talk yet.  I am still sorting out my shit and said that it was probably going to be a while.  She said she understands and will be there when I’m ready.  Who knows when that will be.  I am left wondering if she has an idea now of how much this breakup affected me.

It’s always easier on the breakup-er and much harder on the breakup-ee.  For me it felt as if she had no remorse about the breakup, which I know isn’t true, but it was just too happy go lucky.  At least…more so than I was expecting.  It makes me think back on my breakups with Brianna and Tracy.  With Brianna, I saw the things I didn’t like, and it was easier for me to break up.  Afterwards I felt as if I did the right thing.  I’m sure Jenn feels that way.  With Tracy…we both cried.  We both knew it was right, but we both still hurt.  I guess it’s always different.

Tonight was the spiritual seminar I go to monthly.  We talked about change and dealing with change. Another fitting topic…I love karma.  I was reaffirmed by my fellow attendees that I am handling my pain and healing in a healthy way.  I’m not running away from it.  I’m not sending angry e-mails to my ex.  I’m not drowning my pain in alcohol.  I’m facing it, and I’m mourning it.  I’m learning from it.  I hope I come out for the better.

When I told Chris about the whole event with the e-mail today, I started by saying I did something I regretted today.  He immediately responded with “You didn’t send Jenn an angry e-mail did you?”, to which I said no.  I’ve realized that I really have no reason to be mad at her.  She was so respectable and honest about her feelings.  I have to respect that.  I’ve been in her position and I know how difficult it is.  I have no right to be angry.  It takes a lot of courage to be honest when breaking up with someone.  I just wish it didn’t have to happen at all.

Anyway, just my thoughts for the day.

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Posted in Heartbreak, Uncategorized, spirituality | 1 Comment »

My Age of Aquarius

Thursday, December 4th, 2008

Before I begin…I just have to say that I had so much on my mind today that I wanted to blog about. Since I didn’t have time, I wrote little reminder phrases down to remember what to write about later. Yes…I know, I’m a dork.

Today something drew me to look at the signs of the Zodiac.  I got curious about my compatibility with Jenn and looked.  I’m an Aquarian and she’s a Cancer.  Turns out we’re only neutral when it comes to compatibility.  Chris is a Libra, and he’s one of the best matches.  So I guess that has something to do with why we are such good friends.  I know the zodiac signs don’t mean much to a lot of people.  My coworker Mike told me to take that stuff with a grain of salt, but that being said, I still think there’s at least something to it.

For example, I looked on Wikipedia’s page for Aquarians to see what typical Aquarian traits are.  Click the link if you want to see them.  I basically went down the list going “Check…check…check…yup that’s me.” That includes “strong willed / subborn / obstinate” and “opinionated / conceited”.  Those are the most negative traits to me at the moment, but seriously…all the traits fit me exactly.  Even broadcast is in the list of ideal careers.

So that got me thinking…maybe Jenn is right.  Maybe I do need someone that can match me.  Maybe this is just who I am.  Maybe I can’t be changed or shouldn’t be changed. Maybe we weren’t the best match as a couple.  I have friends that told me that they were aware of my opinionated nature and that I talk about myself a lot.  But I also have friends that never noticed.  So maybe she’s right.

I also found a webcomic thanks to my friend Adam.  It’s xkcd and it’s awesome.  One of those comics made me think. The comic makes the statement “I think you just like having a girlfriend. It doesn’t matter who.”  I know I wanted to be in this relationship and that I was complacent in it.  I have been in relationships in the past in which I wasn’t attracted to the person so much as the idea of the relationship.  I don’t think that was true in this case.  Jenn and I had a real connection and I do love her.  I do think that towards the end, when I was clinging to the relationship, a little part of me wanting the security of the relationship was there.  Mostly I just wanted her though.

I was thinking about some of the ways Jenn and I didn’t connect too. One of those was my nerd level.  I’m like at a nerd level 8 or 9 on a scale from 1 to 5.  I didn’t feel comfortable breaking out the Teen Titans DVDs or bringing out Lunch Money the card game.  I really felt comfortable taking my nerd level only up to a 4 really.  I think if there’s one thing I’ll be looking for in a future mate, it will be nerdiness.

So with that, here’s my ideal woman:

  • Geek
  • Nerd
  • Passionate
  • Intelligent
  • Gamer
  • Driven
  • Compassionate
  • Deep
  • Beautiful
  • Abstract
  • Opinionated
  • Dreamer
  • Feminine
  • Sexy
  • Sense of Style
  • Cheesy sense of humor
  • Outgoing

That’s a lot to look for, but I’m sure she’s out there. For once, maybe she’ll be a brunette.  I don’t know why, but I always seem to date blondes or sandy blondes.

Unrelated to my healing process, I still haven’t gotten any news on the job.  I did, however, get news on some freelance.  A regular client of mine has a bunch of video for me to edit by the end of the month.  That will be a great revenue stream for me.  I’m going to pay off a bunch of bills in January thanks to the income. One of my goals is to put money away for the Red Scarlet.  It’s a pricey camera, but it has so many possibilities.  If I don’t hear anything on the job soon, I’ll be calling / writing an e-mail.  I’ll post more news on this later.

Now on to dream land.

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Posted in Freelance, Heartbreak, Zodiac | No Comments »

Jewels

Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008

Impermanance, Suffering, and egolessness.  These are the three jewels of Buddhism.  At the Shambhala center tonight the topic was egolessness.  It must be karmic that the topic was exact to what I needed.  If I ever needed a lesson in it, it was tonight.

I find it interesting because this experience in its entirety is such a lesson in the jewels.  My relationship ended, which is a reminder of the impermenance of all things.  The pain it caused is due to my attachment to being in love and being with Jenn.  That attachment is the cause of my suffering.  That suffering wouldn’t have happened if I were practicing egolessness.

I truly think visiting the Shambhala center tonight was a great idea.  I have every intention of going regularly now.  I will likely go this Saturday and the following Tuesday.  It seems like its exactly what I am searching for.  They are having a big training class this weekend, but I don’t think I’m quite ready to go.  I want to take the class, but I’m going to hope that they do it regularly.  I would most definitely like to participate.

One of the hardest things about meditation for me is sitting.  I am not flexible at all.  I can’t sit cross legged let alone the full lotus position.  I get very uncomfortable fast.  I can only take solace in knowing it will get more comfortable as time passes.

Aside from my experience at the Shambhala center, I had another experience I wanted to share.  The sine wave of emotion I find to be intruiging.  While at the center, I felt at ease.  Many times at work today I felt at ease too.  Yet there were also times today where I felt sad.  It seems like this whole healing process is like that.  It’s all ups and downs.  It starts so severe and slowly subsides.  Eventually it disappears, which I guess would be when things get back to a normal feeling.

Anyway, I observed that today and felt like writing it down. I’ll save the rest of my thoughts for another day.

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Posted in Buddhism, Heartbreak, Meditation | No Comments »

Waves of emotion

Sunday, November 30th, 2008

I spent yesterday visiting my best friend at his parents’ house on Little Elkhart Lake.  I had an interesting observation between yesterday and today.  So far, my emotions have been on a bit of wave.  For most of Saturday, I was ok.  I was distracted.  I let myself have fun. I didn’t cry at all.  However, around noon on Sunday, that all changed again.

Once we got to lunch, I found myself staring off into space.  Memories popping up.  Thinking about things that won’t be ever again.  Having realizations that only the perfect vision of hindsight can give.  On several occasions, I found myself almost in tears.

It started snowing about the time it was that I had to leave.  The drive home was hypnotic.  I was in no particular hurry to get home, but at the same time, I had no desire to stay where I was.  I felt as if I was driving to get away from myself.  There was no music and no phone calls.  There was just silence and the sounds of the road.  Me and my thoughts.

When I got home, I felt like doing nothing.  Much like Friday morning, I wanted to just sit and stare at a blank television screen.  I forced myself to watch a movie and eat something.  While the movie was on, I was not here.  My pain did not exist, and my life was the window into the story.  Up until a gay woman talked about her happiness with her partner, I was happy to be existing in the film world.  I cried after that, and reality came back in.

I’ve been considering taking a vow of silence for a month.  I’m not quite sure how it will work, but I think it might teach me to listen better.  I would have to speak at work, and there are certain people that would not respect my vow.  I think I would make those exceptions.  I’ll be considering it for a while before undertaking it. Maybe its just me being melodramatic too.  I don’t know.  In any case, if anyone is reading this, please sound off your opinions in the comments.

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Posted in Heartbreak | 1 Comment »