Archive for the ‘Goals’ Category

« Older Entries

Straight Women…

Sunday, March 28th, 2010

Holy crap, it’s been a month!  Why didn’t someone tell me?!!  It’s been a busy time, that’s for sure.  I’ve actually been enjoying it, though it’s nice to get time to de-stress once in a while.  I haven’t had much of that lately, and most likely things will remain busy for a few months.  I’m thinking after June actually.  I can’t complain though.  Things have been pretty good lately.  I’d like to eventually get on a weekly blogging schedule though.  It’d be easier in the long run.

Straight Women

Ah the title of the post…Straight women are the bane of my most recent existence.  I’ve been actively seeking out love lately, and things have been a bit rough going.  About two and a half weeks ago, I went to hang out with a friend of mine for the first time.  We went to a nearby restaurant and had this adorable waitress. For some reason, I actually had the courage to flirt with her.  I was giving her eyes and a lot of attention every time she came by.  Oddly, she seemed to be returning it.  Then, I made mention in passing about my fencing, and she got really interested and started asking questions.  I answered what I could, and then I told her it was free.  I started explaining when practices are, but explained that there were some disruptions coming up.  So I asked if I could just call her with info…which got me her number.  When she gave it to me, she said I could call her with info.  I then laid it on thick and was like…”Can I call you anyway?” to which she responded very distinctly and with a smile “Yes”.  There were plenty of clear messages going back and forth, or so it seemed to me and my friend.

I called her a few days later, and I got her voice mail.  I left a message that was cutesy saying who I was and if we’d like to talk fencing or…other stuff…as I put it.  She called back and left a message that said she was interested in both.  Again…to me clear messages going back and forth…  The next night I called her, and her boyfriend answered the phone.  I then got to talk to her, and it was a pleasant conversation.  She explained a bit about herself and I myself, and it became very clear very quickly that she had no clue that I was flirting with her at the restaurant.  She just thought I was a cool girl that was all about making new friends.  So…I just let her think that.  It was pretty disappointing for me, not going to lie.  I believe it was that night that I posted on twitter “My new motto is ‘Expect Disappointment and you’ll never be disappointed’.  As pessimistic as that may be, it surely seems true.  At least I made a new friend, right?

Enter part two… I’m on okcupid, and I have been chatting it up with this girl.  We’re connecting.  Our conversations are stimulating.  I’m really liking her and I’m thinking she likes me.  I have noticed her profile says straight, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything.  There’s a whole slew of reasons why someone might post their profile as straight while being not straight.  I assume nothing.  Well…I decided to ask just to be sure, and sure enough…she’s straight.  She’s just looking for friends.  That’s cool…again, just disappointing.  We’ve actually become fast friends and are chatting a lot.  So good has come out of it, but doesn’t change the fact that it was hard to hear that another person I’m attracted to isn’t interested.  Twice in one week.

So yeah…straight girls…

Loneliness

A lot of things have impacted my emotional state lately.  The straight girl situation is one of them.  All in all though, my desires to find someone have pushed forward, and now I’m just starting to feel incredibly lonely.  I have great friends, but I have no one I can cuddle up next to.  I’ve been dealing with some highs and lows lately because of it.  I’ll get through it, but it’s been a bit rough lately.

OkCupid

Like I said, I’m on OkCupid now, and at first my expectations were good.  I thought with it being free, there’d be a lot more people on there.  Unfortunately, the actuality has been a bit disappointing.  I’ve had some responses here and there, but what’s happened is the women I’m attracted to aren’t responding back to me, the people I don’t want to talk to are contacting me a lot, and I’ve also had the aforementioned straight girl situation.  So the reality is that it hasn’t really improved my outlook.

I have had lots of luck in the past with Yahoo Personals.  So this morning, I signed up for a month.  I will see how that goes.  There’s also the possibility of www.plentyoffish.com, which has been recommended by several people.  So we’ll see.  I usually hate that phrase though.  My mother always said that to me after a breakup.  I don’t get fishing analogies.

New Friends

The upside to okcupid and the straight girl scenario is that I’ve made a new friend or two.  I’ve also randomly come across some really cool people that have now become fast friends with  me.  What’s that old phrase…if you can’t beat em? Assimilate them? Shit…I don’t think that’s right.  Oh well.  Anyway, it’s nice to have people to hang out with though.  It feels like I’m really settling into this area, which is cool.  I hope this trend continues.  In fact, I’m considering having a grand party with all of my friends this summer.  I think it’ll be a blast.  I’ll probably announce it on here when it’s going to happen.  So watch for it.

Taxes

I did my taxes finally.  I thought that this year was going to suck as far as taxes are concerned.  After all the freelance, the unemployment, and the lack of business purchases to offset costs, I thought I’d be paying in the thousands.  I was pleasantly shocked to see that it was not the case.  I ended up fairing quite well after all the expenses I had.  The only big one was the laptop I bought for editing and web work.  It ended up making the biggest difference.  In the end, I made out with a net positive.  So, with that, one of my new years resolutions is on the brink of coming true.  I will be paying off all my furniture debt this coming week.  I’m looking forward to it.  One less bill a month.

Camera

In other good news, one of my long standing goals is about to come true.  I’m going to buy a shiny new camera.  I’ve wanted something to shoot high quality video with.  With the advent of the latest Canon cameras being able to do really nice still photos as well as full 1080p high definition video, it’s a great option for me.  I’ve been working extra at work, which is brining in some extra money.  Along with a few other financial improvements of late, I actually am in a great position to buy this camera, and perfect timing too.  I have a wedding for a family member to shoot in a month or so, and I want a secondary camera to shoot stuff at Pridefest with.   So this will serve so many uses.  I’m going to be selling my original camera, and I’ve already got a buyer.  So, it’s going to be awesome.  I’ll be sure to post stuff on here for all to see.

Speaking in Audrey’s class

I got the opportunity to speak in my favorite professor’s class again recently.  If you recall in a previous post, I didn’t think it went as well the last time I did this.  So I was a bit more nervous about this presentation.  I changed up the format again.  Audrey (the professor) always asks her students to look at my website and come up with questions to ask me prior to my visit.  I get access to those questions.  What I decided to do was actually structure the discussion around the questions asked.  It actually worked quite well.  This was perhaps the best presentation I’ve ever given.  I think the response was fantastic!  I had a lot of fun.

There were a couple of students that wrote very religious comments that I decided to just skip over.  I do not feel that I need to or should read comments that are hurtful and prejudiced, despite the perhaps good intentions they were written with.  Religious intolerance is probably the biggest issue that affects the LGBT community, and because of that, I didn’t hold back as far as that part of my story is concerned.  I talked about how I do not identify as Christian anymore.  I told the story of the pastor basically kicking me out of the church and God’s people turning their back on me.  I explained that I never felt that God hated me, made a mistake with me, or ever did anything other than love me.  Hopefully those words didn’t fall on deaf ears.

Dentist Visit

Chris and my good friend, Chris (yes, I know that’s confusing), is also our dentist.  I haven’t gone in about a year or more.  It was time.  So I made an appointment and went in.  I knew something was wrong and that I most likely had a cavity.  As it happens, I had three…maybe even four.  I had no idea.  I’ve mentioned in the past that I have a high pain tolerance.  When I was shown which teeth had problems, I was surprised.  I felt no pain or discomfort.

So this past week, I went in to get half of them taken care of.  Apparently they only do one half of the mouth at a time.  Personally, I’d rather just get them all done at once, but I wasn’t given that choice.  I doubt they had that much time open anyway.  I have to say…the dental hygienist / assistant to the dentist was quite attractive.  She’s, of course, quite straight, but attractive nonetheless.  In a few weeks I get the rest taken care of.  Then I can move on to making an appointment with my eye doctor.  Hooray!

Youth Group

The youth group has been a lot of fun so far.  I feel a lot more confident now than when I was a mentor the first time.  Maybe it’s because I’ve matured a lot since then.  I think it helps that I’m past all the transition stuff.  Anyway, I’ve really enjoyed working with the kids.  I think this group will soak up a lot of my energies in the future, which is good.  It doesn’t feel draining in the slightest.  Maybe that says a lot about what I should be devoting my time to in life.

Question of the blog

What is your most disappointing story when it comes to finding love?

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Goals, LGBT, Love, Transgender, depression, friends, spirituality | 4 Comments »

29 and holding

Thursday, February 25th, 2010

That’s right folks, I am now 29 for the first time.  I will continue to turn 29 every year for the rest of my life.  I plan to stay young.  All I need to do is every year, just get Superman to fly backwards around the earth fast enough to reverse time.  Never mind that I’d have to re-live that year for eternity.   It’s a good plan.  I just need to find Superman and convince him its a good idea.  I should be able to talk him into it based upon my interactions with my roommate.  They’re both boy scouts.  Wish me luck. Hehe.

Pink Birthday SombreroIt was a good birthday.  My parents, my younger sister, and my brother in law traveled up to visit over this past weekend.  We went out to eat at Manny’s Mexican Seafood place. I got to wear a big, pink sombrero and enjoyed a free fried ice cream. Afterwards, enjoyed a relaxing night in front of the fire and then hung out in the hot tub at their hotel.  Let me say, that’s a new level of uncomfortably awkward…swim suit in front of family members, including the sister that’s not quite comfortable with my transition.  It went pretty well though.  I decided to wear the one piece to avoid totally freaking out my sister.

On Saturday, we had gone to the Leinenkugels Brewery.  My sister had wanted a tour and to do some tasting.  While there, we were looking through their gift shop, and I came across a selection of pancake mixes.  I decided to invite my family over for breakfast on Sunday, despite breakfast being offered at the hotel.  It was great!  I finally got to serve my family at my dining room table.  We made both blueberry and apple spice pancakes.  They were delicious, especially the apple spice.  I think more than any gift, having my family up to visit and being able to make breakfast and enjoy it with them was the best thing I could have gotten.

After breakfast, my family headed for home.  I took a nice nap on the couch, and then afterwards went down the street to another birthday celebration for a good friend of mine, Laurentia.  She’s professor at the University of Wisconsin – Stout.  My friend Lyle made an incredible french onion soup for all of us.  It was drenched in gooey cheese and was so full of flavor.  The stuff is like Lembas bread, one small bowl was enough to fill a grown man’s stomach.   I really enjoyed my weekend.  It was a lot of fun spending time with friends.

My week has been nice too.  I took Monday and Tuesday off of work in order to work on personal projects.  My friend Addison came up from Madison in order to get things moving on Genderverse.org.  If you head over to visit it at some point, you’ll see that we’ve made a lot of progress.  We’re not quite ready to launch the site yet, but we’re almost there.  I’d say by the start of next week we’ll be ready.  I’m excited to finally see us get to the point of being able to use the site.  Now the intimidating part of creating content approaches.  It’ll be a challenge, but it’ll be good.  I recently realized that it’s been 8 years now since my initial research, and I really need to get back into the swing of things there.  Research time will be a great experience.

This week has been saturated with Super Heroes like a sumo wrestler’s daiper after a big match.  I’ve been reading the giant pile of comics I have sitting on my floor trying to catch up.  On top of that, I received the first season of Justice League Unlimited from Netflix.  It’s been fun so far.  I have to say, reading a year’s worth of Wonder Woman comics is really enjoyable.  You get the whole story in a nice block.  I’ve now caught up with those as well as the new Batgirl series.  I just began reading the Blackest Night series from issue 1.  Justice League Unlimited is a lot of fun too.  I really can’t get enough.

Speaking of super heroes.  For my birthday, Chris got me a coffee table book called “DC Comics Covergirls“.  Let me tell ya…*growl*…thems some sexy ladies in there.  Chris certainly knows my taste.  I’ve enjoyed paging through it so far…for the articles of course.  Yes I know…they’re not real. Stop destroying my dreams!

Continuing with the super hero theme, remember me talking about picking up metal working as a hobby a few months back?  Well, I’m finally making some headway there.  I finally bought a set of hammers.  I still need a few things before I can truly get started, but those were important.  I need to get a small anvil like object yet as well as some practice materials.  It’s looking to be fun though.

Also on the hobby front, I finally went to fencing last week.  It’s the first time I went to fencing in like…8 months I think.  I had said before that I wasn’t sure that I’d go to fencing again, but I’m glad I did.  The guys in the group assessed my skill level and told me that I know my stuff.  They had me put on my gear and play.  I haven’t gotten to free fight in a long time.  I don’t think I’ve actually gotten to at all come to think of it…not in the style I fight now.  I had plenty of bouts with the olympic style sabre fencing I learned on, but that was probably 8 years ago.  So it’s been a long time.

This experience was really uplifting and an incredible amount of fun.  I no longer feel discouraged.  In fact, they told me that if I wanted to, I could teach the basics to my roommates.  I was told I knew my stuff well enough to teach others!  How cool is that?!! I’m definitely going back.  I’ve since purchased breast protection and neck protection.  I’m just waiting for the shipment to arrive.  Yay physical activity!

Completely switching gears…I’m finally starting to feel sick of being single again.  It’s taken a year and a half almost.  I think I’m ready to start looking again.  I think that’s a good sign.  Chris and I are likely  heading to the twin cities this weekend, and who knows what may happen.  Most likely I’ll see many a cute lady, but will be too shy to say anything.  I guess I’ll have to get out of my comfort zone and stop being so shy.  Wish me luck.

A quick last note before I sign off, I recently walked into a tattoo shop to see how much they cost.  I’m considering getting a tattoo of the Wonder Woman symbol with rainbow banners on my right wrist.  I’ve thought about a tattoo before, but I think I’m more serious about it now.  I’m not sure just yet when I’ll get it done, but I think I want to.

Lastly…everyone’s favorite…the question of the blog:  Do you have or have you thought about getting a tattoo?  What is it of?

Tags: , , , , , , ,
Posted in Goals, Superheroes, family | 5 Comments »

2010 Resolutions

Friday, January 1st, 2010

Let’s take a quick look back at the previous year’s resolutions first:

  1. To be in a stable and secure financial situation by year end 2009
  2. Write my book
  3. Get TransLife.net, JessicaJaniuk.com, and TranscendingProductions.com all designed and updated
  4. Get at least 6 paying speaking gigs
  5. Find a new, fulfilling, and prosperous career path
  6. Get my treatment written for my documentary
  7. Apply for several women in business grants for camera equipment and software
  8. Be a more active person in both my professional and personal life
  9. Read more
  10. Be Happy

Going down the list…here’s what happened:

Number 1 was a success.  I am in an infinitely better situation at the beginning of 2010 than I was at 2009.  I’ve been on a debt consolidation program for a year, paid off about 7 grand in debt, and haven’t accrued a penny more in debt since then.

Number 2…that was a big old fail.  My book has an outline, but that’s about it right now.  I did discuss it with my good friend and college professor when I moved back in.  So maybe a minute amount of progress was made.

3…translife was mostly abandoned in favor of genderverse, which is poised to launch any day.  jessicajaniuk.com has a wonderful design, and transcending productions is designed and live too despite the fact that I’m not really interested in running the business anymore.  I’ll call 3 mostly a success.

4…I got a few speaking gigs.  Only one of them was paying.  So I guess we’ll call this progress, but the goal was not achieved.

5.  Complete success.  I not only have a job that is fulfilling and enjoyable, I have many doors open if for some strange reason I decided to leave.  I do not foresee that in the near future, but it’s nice to know the options are there.

6. Fail…or is it?  Really I think this is more of a change of heart.  I decided that the documentary at least in the form it was in was not a good idea.  Maybe I’ll revisit this concept at some point, but for now, I’ve decided to move on from this idea.

7. As mentioned in number 3, I’m not really interested in running a business anymore.  It’s not a good economy to be trying to start something when you’ve got nothing going for you financially.  Plus, business isn’t for me.  I have no intention of maintaining an LLC anymore after this tax year.  So…this one is outdated.

8. I’m now on the board of the community center in town. I attend meetings for the ruby group.  I go to code camps.  I’ve gotten out to parties with friends.  I’ve made special trips to hang out with friends out of town.  I’ve invited out of town friends to visit.  I’d say I’ve succeeded in this one.

9. FAIL.  I have learned that without the right book, I’m not interested in reading.  I read to escape, and I just haven’t found a book with a story that has drawn me in yet.

10. I am happy.  I’d say there’s no comparison to a year ago.  I had a terrible 2008, and 2009 was so much better.  My living situation, my financial situation, my personal life…all wonderful.  The only thing is that I don’t date much.  Other than that, things are wonderful right now.

It’s interesting to see how things have changed since last year.  I’m liking the ability to look back and compare how my wants and dreams have changed since then.  I’m going to make this a yearly habit to write about my resolutions.  So with that, here goes:

2010 New Years Resolutions

  1. Blog more than twice a month on my personal blog.  My posts have gotten way too long and I need to break them up.
  2. Save more.  I don’t put much money into savings, and when I do, I need to make sure I don’t touch it.  That is a big goal for this year
  3. Pay off all non-federal and non-debt consolidation debt.  That includes furniture and my non-government loan.  Less monthly bills = a happy Jess
  4. Take a vacation somewhere that’s not a staycation.  I haven’t gone anywhere on a trip for years.  I need to get away.
  5. Get into better shape.  I sit all day at work and sit when I get home.  I need to take up a sport or something that’ll get me into shape regularly.
  6. Go on more dates – let’s face it…I’m not very active in the love arena.  I never have been.  It’s time I do something about that.
  7. Dedicate time weekly to doing research / writing for genderverse.org. I want to give back to my community more.  I’ve been lazy, and it’s time I get back to the real reason I’m on this planet.
  8. Learn how to do something with my hair. I suck at doing hair.  I can dry my  hair, brush it, put it up, and that’s it.  I want to learn more than that.
  9. Continue working on  my faults. I know this one isn’t exactly measurable, but it’s definitely a good thing for me.  I’ve come a long way in the last year, and I want to continue with that personal growth.
  10. Explore my own spirituality. I haven’t touched my spiritual side in a long time.  I feel a longing to be connected again, and I really should spend time with it.  This is another not as measurable one, but I think it’s also an important one.

That should do it for my resolutions.  I guess we’ll have to wait a year to see how these pan out.

Happy New Year to all of my readers!  Here’s to a great 2010!

Tags: ,
Posted in Goals | 1 Comment »

Remember Remember the Squirrel of November

Friday, November 6th, 2009

I start this post with some bad news.  Today I hit a squirrel while driving to work.  I know some people think they’re rodents and don’t matter, but I still was sad about it.  I tried to dodge, but as Yoda would say…there is no try.  I heard the “thump” and knew.  I saw the damage in my rear view mirror.  I had squashed a life.  Poor little fuzzy…I’m sorry.

Now that the sad part is out of the way, I have had a busy few weeks.  I’ll start as far back as I can.  A Geeky Lady shindig was three weeks ago.  It was a great time.  I got to see @tapps, @jennaddenda, and @ashedryden; three of my geekiest lady friends.  We spent the evening behind the glow of laptop screens.  It was really great to catch up with them.  I need to visit more often.

While I was home, I also got to meet Fezzik, my little sister’s new boxer puppy.  He’s a ball of energy and a lot of fun.  I had fun playing with him while catching up with my sister.  Things seem to be going well for her and her husband.  I envy them in a lot of ways.  Anyway, I asked Fezzik if there were many rocks ahead.  He just kind of looked at me funny.  I certainly hope my sister trains him to respond to that line.  Haha.

I also got to see Elden again.  He’s getting bigger!  No surprise.  He’s a baby.  They grow fast.  I got some cute photos of him and my niece, Kalina.  In fact, that Sunday, we had an unplanned family gathering for dinner.  It’s rare we all get together for a meal, and I’m glad I was there for that.

That following Tuesday was my forum at UW Eau Claire.  It went exceedingly well.  The room was moved because we needed a more open venue.  We had a full house, standing room only!  I was blown away.  Even though I’ve been speaking for years on gender issues, I still never feel prepared enough.  That feeling is only increased because I do it so infrequently these days.  Still, about half way into this presentation, I felt my rust shaking off.  Suddenly that groove came back, and I felt confident and comfortable.

I am excited about that.  I just know that my next few presentations are going to be even more stellar.  I’ve got two events coming up on November 20th, the Transgender Day of Remembrance.  I’m going to be very prepared for them and I’m sure they are going to be amazing experiences.  I’m really looking forward to it.  If you’re going to be in the area of UW Stout, stop on by at 2:30 in the afternoon.

I’ve been very motivated lately and have had some great ideas for Genderverse.  Despite my comfort returning in my speeches, I want to stay on top of the latest information.  So I’ve decided to pledge a day a week next year to research and writing time.  I’m going to read an article, book, or something related to gender a week, and I will comment on it through Genderverse.  I think that’s a great idea to learn and to help others learn through it.

My idea for Genderverse is to turn it into almost an online magazine with regular columns and articles.  I want it to be the place to go to for gender related news and commentary.  I’ve already got one person that’s interested in writing.  I’ve got another person I want to ask.  He tweets a lot of articles and cares a lot about the trans community.  I think he’d be a great person to write and give a straight ally / male perspective.   Now I just need a design for the site.  If you have any thoughts, share them in the comments.

So that’s my excitement of late.  I also have to share a bit of sad news.  I visited gpac.org the other day.  GenderPAC was an organization I worked with when I was in college.  It was run by Riki Wilchins, who has been an inspiration and teacher to me through these years.  GenderPAC was great in that they worked towards ending gender discrimination, had a big focus on youth, and were really the first of their kind when it came to their approach to gender.  Upon visiting the site, I discovered they no longer exist.  There’s a letter explaining their history and why they decided to close their doors.  They ended on a proud note.  I hope I can use their inspiration as a launching point for Genderverse.  Thank you, Riki, and the folks of GenderPAC, for all that you have done and that you continue to do even though the organization is no longer.

Two weeks ago was Twin Cities Code Camp.  What is a Code Camp you ask?  Well, it’s a free conference about programming for programmers by programmers.  This was my first one, and I had a good time.  I finally got to start playing with Ruby on Rails, which is really cool.  I also got to meet some awesome people and came home with a free license to Office 2007 (which still hasn’t arrived yet).

One of the issues that came up at the camp was the lack of women in the field.  I was one of maybe 15 women there.  In fact, in one of the breakout sessions, one of the women was openly hit on by a guy…during the presentation.  There are many reasons that women aren’t attracted to the field, and the ever present misogyny is one of them.  I think a lot of it also has to do with the geek taboo.  I think in a lot of ways there’s a bit of a cycle that keeps women out.  The social expectation for developers is that you are a nerdy, socially awkward guy.  Because of that expectation,  a lot of people, including women, avoid the field.  There’s also a bit of the “good ol’ boys” attitude there.  Misogyny has been present in video games for a long time for the same reasons.  I also think a lot of people are pushed out of the field because of the way that programming is taught.  I almost didn’t even have a CS minor because of that very reason, and yet, here I am a developer now.  I’m mostly self taught and from what I’m told, I’m pretty good at it.  Yet, I dropped out of the computer engineering program in my first year.  Something’s wrong there.

Anyway, those are some of my thoughts about the scenario.  I think I will dedicate an entry on genderverse to that topic.  To sum up, I had fun at the code camp and had a lot of energizing conversations about computer science.  Yes, again, I know I am a nerd.  Stop sending me emails telling me that.  I know already.  Thanks.

Halloween was fun.  Chris and I handed out candy to the kids.  We didn’t get as many as we thought we would, but it was still a good time.  That evening, we dressed up and went to Scooters, the gay bar in town, and had a good time.  Chris put the most effort into his costume.  He sewed together two suits, did up some crazy face makeup, and went as two-face.  He got a lot of compliments.  I went with an old standard.  I was “Generic Sith Lord #2″, which is the same outfit I wore at my brother in-law’s 30th birthday party a year or two ago.  We had fun.

Money has been tight tight tight lately.  I had a difficult October, and I blame the fact that my student loans came due.  I may have to put them off another six months until I get some of my other debt paid off.  It shocks me that even though I’m making better money than I was in Milwaukee, and my costs of living are lower, I’m still only scraping by.  I guess I can’t complain though.  I have a job and I have food.  I guess it’s a good thing I’m not dating.  I couldn’t afford it if I was.  I do certainly hope that there will be a time soon that I don’t feel poor.

Question of the blog:  What are your suggestions for Genderverse?  What was the best costume you saw this Halloween?

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Goals, LGBT, Money, Transgender, family, friends | 2 Comments »

Noodle portraits are funny

Wednesday, May 27th, 2009

You know…Chippewa Falls can be a little creepy at night.  Last night I drove home from Chris and Lot’s house (not the same Chris that is my roommate).  They live on Lake Wissota…yes yes…the lake that Jack mentions in Titanic (a little trivia…Lake Wissota is man made and wasn’t built until 1917, five years after the Titanic sunk).  Anyway, this area is pretty rural, and I couldn’t help but think of the film A Fire in the Sky on my drive home.  It was the first time I’d made that drive without Chris in the car (this time the Chris that is my roommate).  So yeah…a little creepy.

Anyway, Chris and I were invited to a cookout for Memorial day.  It was a lot of fun except for the fact that Chris had gotten pretty sick on Sunday, which I mentioned in my previous entry.  He seemed pretty decent most of Monday, but as the evening wore on, things went downhill for him.  He went home early.  I stayed and played Volleyball.  I also got to spend some quality time with Chris and Lot in their hot tub.  It was nice to get to know them more.  They’re very nice people.

Today it was cold in the house.  Don’t tell Chris, but I ran the furnace while he was out at work.  What can I say?  It was 55 outside and rainy.  He had all the windows open.  It was 65 and dropping inside.  I had to spend my day in my office taking care of a bunch of things, and I was going to freeze.  I needed the heat.

Finally I think I’ve taken care of everything I need to with the move.  We’ve got the art on the walls, boxes unpacked, etc.  The only thing I had left were the tedious things like changing addresses with everything, updating which accounts billing came out of, and so forth.  I spent a lot of time on the phone figuring out what bills I needed to pay left over from my old place.  I’m grateful that’s all done now.  Plus, I finally got my new check card and checks.  So I have access to my money again.  Yay!

Tomorrow is web design day.  I plan on getting Transcending Productions’ website updated with new content and some actual info about what I do.  Then I will update jessicajaniuk.com afterwards.  I hope I can do both of those in one day without burnout.  I think I can.  We’ll see I guess.  Wish me luck!

Oh…Chris and I watched as much of Clerks as we could tonight.  I’ve never seen it before, and I really don’t understand why it has such a following.  It’s boring as hell.  The acting is not great.  The writing is terrible…people don’t talk like that at all in reality.  There were a few moments that Chris and I laughed at.  I’m sorry if it bothers people, but neither of us liked the film.  We stopped it a third of the way in.  We gave it a fair shot, but if a movie isn’t doing anything for you after a third of it…it’s probably not going to get any better.

We followed that up with the first two episodes of season 3 of Avatar: the Last Airbender and that was fantastic.  That series has such charm to it.  Chris and I had to pause the second episode because we were both laughing too much.  Aang is going to a local fire nation school, and makes mention of a portrait he got of the fire lord.  He then randomly follows that up with “…and here’s one I made out of noodles.”  It’s funny because it’s so true…and we weren’t expecting it at all.  Love it!  Such a great show.  I should own it at some point.

Anyway, I’m off to sleep.  Hopefully I don’t have major tornado, nuclear, or other disaster related dreams tonight like I did last night.  Sweet dreams all!

Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted in Goals, Money, Movie Review, Web Design | 2 Comments »

I dreamed a dream…

Sunday, May 10th, 2009

Today, I listened to this song and really heard the lyrics for the first time:

There was a time when women were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

She slept a summer by my side
She filled my days with endless wonder
She took my childhood in her stride
But she was gone when autumn came

And still I dream she’ll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I’m living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

I know…the original lyrics had male pronouns.  I changed them to fit my life.  Listening to this song today…I cried.  Holidays are hard, even the Hallmark ones.  I love my family, I truly truly do.  When you’re always the odd one out, it’s difficult…at least for me it is.  I looked around the dining room today and saw my older sister and her husband.  My older sister is pregnant.  Both of them work.  They own a house.  They’re doing just fine…well in fact.  Then I look at my little sister.  She works a nicely paying job.  Actually she has two jobs, one of which is a weekend job overnights once in a while.  Her husband works too.  They live in a nice house with nice appliances and a nice yard.  They’re getting by very well.  I’d even say comfortably.  Then there’s me.  I’m unemployed, single, destitute, and am relying on friends to get me by right now.  It’s so easy to think of myself as a failure.  That’s how I felt today while my sisters were cooking this expensive meal and giving my mother a nice gift.  I sat there with my cheap card feeling worthless.

I remember feeling like I owned the world when I was in college.  I felt like I could do anything and nothing could stop me.  I felt like my dreams were just within reach.  I just had to graduate and everything would fall into place.  I felt like I could be anything and do anything.  In fact, people used to ask me how I was so successful.  I had friends stop me and ask that question, and I’d say that there were no walls in the future, only obstacles to get around.  Now…I feel like all there are are big walls with doors that keep slamming in my face.  I feel like dreams are just that…dreams.  The reality is that people wake up from those dreams and have to deal with the reality of life…which is cruel, unfair, and doesn’t care.

I feel like I was such a fool to think that I could even make a glimmer of a difference in this world.  The world doesn’t want people that make a difference.  It wants “Yes men”.  It wants drones and cattle.  It wants people to just maintain the status quo.

I’m sick of people telling me I’m so lucky because I got to transition.  I’m not saying I’m not thrilled and grateful to have had the priviledge to do so.  I totally am…but people tell me that like “Awww…you lost your job…but you got to transition”…or…”Awww…you’re girlfriend broke up with you…but at least you go to transition”. I’m sorry but that doesn’t change the fact that the rest of my life sucks.  All it says is if I died tomorrow, I’d be content that I died being who I am.  The fact that I transitioned doesn’t change the fact that I’m unemployed, lonely, and feel very helpless right now.

I dreamed that I could be a success.  I dreamed that I’d find love.  I dreamed that I’d write and produce things that would make a difference.  Right now…I’d be lucky to make ends meet.  I had a dream my life would be….different from this hell I’m living. So different now from what it seemed.  Now life has killed…

the dream.

Tags: , ,
Posted in Goals, depression, family | 5 Comments »

The update you’ve all been waiting for…part 2

Friday, April 24th, 2009

So…now that we’ve covered the employment side of things, here’s what’s new in the rest of my life:

A few weeks ago, I watched the movie Ghost Rider, with Nicolas Cage.  Wow, was it bad.  It was so bad that I found myself enjoying it.  It was a B movie in most every sense.  The special effects were cool, but the story was just…weak.  They could have done a much better job with it, but hey, instead it was fun to watch for the sheer enjoyment of how bad it was.  If ever you want a bad movie to watch, pick up Ghost Rider.

Continuing on the bad movie front…I saw Dragonball: Evolution with my friend Daigham on opening weekend.  You know a film is going to flop when it’s in a small theater the day after it opens and even then, there’s like…15 people in the theater.  I was expecting a crap sandwich of a film…and that’s what I got.  They tried very hard to match the feel of the show.  Chow Yun Fat really gave a great Master Roshi performance, but ultimately, the show just doesn’t translate well to the live action realm.  The show itself spans 153 episodes.  They kinda jumped in and mish mashed the story into 85 minutes.  The whole movie just felt like a high budget, but poorly executed Power Rangers episode.  The effects were pretty, but that’s about it.  It was cheezy bad.  Disappointing, but at least the anime is still cool.

During all the time that stuff was going down at work, I was still finishing up some freelance.  I was dealing with a ton of stress.  I felt it pushing down on me every which way.  It was manifesting itself in a lot of ways.  I was breaking out, which isn’t cool.  Also, for those of you that don’t know, hair grows more when you’re stressed.  So, when I went  in for electrolysis, she really had to remove a forest.  Haha.  Thankfully that stress is gone now.

Part of eliminating stress in my life involved dumping the website project that I took on a few months back.  It was a flash based project that was a bit over my head and skill level.  I found a very talented flash developer that was willing to take on the project.  I think it was a good move on my part.  I’m bad with web based freelance anyway.  I think as my skills progress with web development, I’ll feel a bit more comfortable at it.  Plus my friend Tracy might be willing to work with me.  She’s a much better graphic designer than I am by a long shot.  So maybe I can do the back end and she can do the front end.

I’ve been watching a lot of PBS’s Nova lately on Hulu.  It’s a great show and I’ve always loved it.  Anyway, this particular episode was about ants.  A famous entomologist, E.O. Wilson, has been studying them for years and actually was the founder of the concept of sociobiology.  Basically sociobiology is social behavior that is embedded in the biology of the lifeform.  It’s really fascinating stuff.  It got me thinking about gender…as usual.  I was thinking more specifically about transphobia and homophobia and how perhaps those behaviors are sociobiological in nature.  By that I mean that the fear of the unknown is a survival tool that humanity has employed.  By using fear, we can ensure that we stay safe.  In the case of homo and trans phobia, there are a lot of things that could subconsciously be feared.  Perhaps it’s about procreation or self preservation.  As time progresses, I think the sociobiology is changing in that regard…at least specifically to homosexuality and transgender.  Perhaps as a population grows to the immense size that humanity has, those biologically embedded fears are less and less necessary.  Anyway, I thought it was a fascinating concept to ponder.  Feel free to share your thoughts.

Oh, a few weeks back I finally got to do a photo shoot with my friend Ken.  He’s a professional photographer, and he’d asked me if I’d model for him at some point.  So I finally did.  Let me tell you…I’m not much of a model.  I can do the physical positioning, but I suck at facial expressions.  I’m too much of a deep thinker.  I have trouble with smiling for real without having something make me smile for real.  I haven’t gotten the photos yet, but I have a screen capture from my little video camera if you’d like to see it.

A video screen capture from the photo shoot.

A video screen capture from the photo shoot.

Queer Camp starts tonight!  You can find information on it at www.queercamp.org.  It’s free to go to, and it’ll be tons of fun.  For those of you that don’t know what it is, essentially it’s an informal conference on LGBT issues.  I’m doing two sessions.  One is titled “Gender in a slightly larger than average nutshell” and the other is “Ask a transsexual anything”.  I’m looking forward to it.  If you want to go, the registration page is located here.

When the whole thing started to go down at work, I had a conversation with Scott, a member of management, about my future.  I talked about my goals for starting a non-profit, writing a book, and mentoring others.  It’s my calling.  He told me that when I talked about that, my face lit up more than it ever has.  He told me that I will have more success at doing just that than I will working at any corporation, doing any sort of freelance, or doing just about anything else.  He told me I need to build an empire.  That sounds kinda…Darth Sidius like…but that’s now what he meant.  He gave me some good advice on how to get moving.  So I think once genderverse gets going, I’m going to create a special twitter account for it that I use to post news about the gender world.  I think I’ll establish another professional blog that talks about gender daily.  The podcast will be important too.  I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

Being a leader is what I do naturally.  I’ve really noticed that I tend to take a leadership approach in most everything I do even when it comes to just mentoring someone.  I think this weekend and the next few months will truly define the direction the rest of my life takes.

It’s a new day!  Time to take life by the horns and ride off into the future.

Tags: , , , , , , ,
Posted in Goals, Movie Review, Sexuality, Transgender, photography | 4 Comments »

The update you’ve all been waiting for…part 1

Friday, April 24th, 2009

The time has come!! And by that I mean I finally got my blog working again.  Apparently a plugin for twitter broke things somehow.  Now you won’t see the “Tweet this” button.  Oh well.  Maybe it’ll come back later when it’s fixed fully.

The latest news in my life…I’m unemployed!  I know I know…you’re thinking “What?!! When did this happen?!! Why?!!” Well let me tell you the story.  Three weeks ago today I was walked into the office yet again.  I was surprised because it was a total blindsiding.  I had to speak directly to HR via the phone.  Apparently someone had reported my freelance work anonymously, and since I was doing work with a home builder, there was concern it was a conflict of interest.

They asked me to describe my relationship to the client and why I never reported the work to management.  The work I took was video editing for a local client.  I made my decision to take the work based on several reasons.  The client had recently dropped a big production house contract.  So they weren’t interested in working with another big house.  Specifically, they wanted freelancers.  They didn’t have the budget to pay that much.  So I knew they couldn’t pay the rates the company I worked for charges.  Most importantly though, they wanted Full HD utilizing a very modern camera.  The company I worked for did not have the capacity to work with the footage at all.  So it was in no way competing with my employer.  I felt very assured that it wasn’t a conflict at all.  So I never reported it.

I explained that to HR and they took the information and perused over it for several days.  They came back to me the following Wednesday, April 8th.  They said that they did believe it was a conflict.  I was presented with a memo that stated that I would have to drop my relationship with my client and sign to continue my job.  I took a couple hours to figure out if this was what I wanted to do.

I truly felt that I had made the right decision.  I did not feel this was a conflict of interest at all.  I even had my logic confirmed to me by management locally.  So I was at a loss as to why corporate felt differently.  In my heart, I knew I had done nothing wrong.  To add to that, I really enjoyed my freelance work.  It was about the only thing in my life revolving work that actually fulfilled me creatively and personally.  Plus, I needed the extra income.  This work was basically digging me out of a hole that I needed to dig out of.  My budget was monthly in the red without the work.  So I had to choose between financial difficulty or more financial difficulty.  For me it was a catch 22 all along.

What it came down to for me is a moral decision.  I felt that by signing the memo, I would be admitting wrong doing.  I couldn’t do that when I know I didn’t.  I realized that no matter what, I had to be happy with myself.  Anyone that had been talking to me a lot lately knew how unhappy I was working there.  So with both my morals and my happiness in question, I chose to not sign knowing full well I’d get fired.

I came back and told them I wouldn’t sign and why.  I thought I’d be pretty much fired that day.  Instead, I was told that it had to go back to corporate for them to think about again.  Here I’m going…ok…what’s there to think about.  Turns out their was, and I will respect the wishes of the company and say nothing other than the next day I was told information that changed things.  I was given a few more days to figure things out.  I had until Monday 13th to decide.

In that time, I was contacted about a possible job in Eau Claire, my college town and also where my best friend lives.  So Thursday the 9th, I drove all the way up to EC to go to a job open house.  Turns out it wasn’t my cup of tea, but I decided to take a vacation day and really think about the situation over the extended weekend.  I sought the advice of close friends in the EC area, like a former professor and some close advisors.  They seemed to reaffirm my feelings.

So I came back home and on Sunday night, I wrote out my official statement, which was two pages long.  Basically it just fleshed out my reasons for not signing.  So..I went to work on Monday and low and behold…my boss was out for the day.  So…I used the day to get my software into shape knowing that I wasn’t going to be doing much more work on it now.  Tuesday rolled around and I finally got the chance to sit down with the management and give them my statement.  I could tell they weren’t thrilled by my response.  Again, I was expecting to be fired right there, and nope…it had to go back to corporate again.

For the rest of the day I found myself twiddling my thumbs.  There wasn’t any reason for me to start working on anything knowing it was my last day of work.  Turns out it wasn’t. We didn’t hear back that day.  So I prepared to go to work on Wednesday the 15th.  On my way in, I got a call from my boss saying I didn’t need to come in.  They hadn’t heard back yet, and really there was no sense in my coming in with nothing to do.  I was told I’d still get paid.  Ok…no problem.  Later that afternoon I got another call.  Turns out legal was out until Friday.  So, I didn’t have to come in Thursday with pay either, and I’d be called when to come in Friday.  It surely seemed this was dragging on at this point.  We all knew where it was going.

Friday I was called, and I was told the decision everyone knew was coming.  My employment was terminated.  I was able to come in and pick up the last of my stuff….I had already packed it up anyway.  I said my goodbyes.  I actually choked up a bit when saying goodbye to the two editors.  I’m going to miss them.  I may have had my issues with the job and so forth, but for the most part, the people were great.  It’s unfortunate the company treats their employees the way it does though.  That’s another topic for another day.

So…I left.  I have to say, too, that despite what most people would feel upon getting fired…I have no remorse.  I’m thrilled its over.  I’ve wanted to get away from the job for at least a year and a half.  It’s finally done.  It didn’t happen in the way I had wanted it to, but all things happen for a reason.  I’ve gotten a few more freelance gigs, and quite honestly, I love the freelance lifestyle.  I feel so much more freedom and control.  I’m still making money, and I’m feeling fullfilled creatively.  I’m not feeling tied to a cubicle.  I can take a break if I want to.  I can sleep when I want to and get up when I want to.  This is what I’ve wanted for so long.  It just took me getting fired to get here.  I’m actually really happy now.

Before I move on, I do want to say something important.  I don’t know if Scott or Julie are reading this, but I just want to say thank you.  I know you both pulled for me with corporate.  I especially want to say thanks to Scott because I heard some of your back and forth with HR, and it told me how much you cared.  I really and truly appreciate that.  I wanted to express my thanks to you in person, but unfortunately you weren’t around when I came in to say my good byes. I’m sure we’ll talk again, but now it’s officially in writing.

So…where do I go from here?  My plan for moving in with Chris is moving forward a bit earlier than expected.  I’ll be moving in mid May instead of late June.  I’ve got a part time job lined up that starts in July.  I’ve also got plans to talk to some people about using the city business incentive programs in the Chippewa Valley to get myself a camera.  I also plan on moving forward with my non-profit.  So, I think it’s time to let my dreams happen.  I’m very excited.

In the meantime, I’m working on getting my new web hosting lined up.  After that, I start work on my professional websites.  Then I get genderverse underway.  At that point, I start the book.  During that time, I want to podcast again.  I’m looking forward to it all.

So that’s part 1 of this 2 part series.  Stay tuned for part 2…

Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted in Employment, Goals, Uncategorized, friends, work | 4 Comments »

Onward to success

Monday, March 30th, 2009

The freelance seems to never end.  OK…well it sort of does.  As of today, I got final approval on two 30 second spots I had been editing last week.  The producer and I had gone back and forth on fixes and I think we’re both really pleased with how it turned out.  With all this editing work, I feel like I’m starting to feel that creative groove come back slowly.  It’s that groove I had when I left college.  Now that I’m shooting and editing all the time, I am just in the moment more.  It feels good.

In other freelance news, I’ve decided to dump the flash web project.  It’s a bit too much for me, and I’ve been really stressed out about it for a long time now.  I have yet to hear back from the guy I asked to take it over, but I’m sure regardless, it’ll all get worked out.   The web is good for me when it’s a personal thing that I have passion about, but I have trouble finding my creative drive for a web client.  I think I’m just going to remove it from my freelance offerings unless it’s simple.  I’d rather be editing or shooting.

Once I get the final ok on that switch, I’m going to start working on Genderverse.net.  I’ve got the database structure set, but I haven’t felt comfortable donating any time to the project while I’ve got other responsibilities.  So, hopefully with much of my video work done and the web project off my plate, I can get moving.

I feel bad that I haven’t had time to work on my podcast.  I’ve done nothing but work for the past several weeks, which is a good thing.  It just means I’ve had to put other things aside, and that included the podcast.  The good news is that I wrote up the rundowns for the next podcast this weekend.  I’ll be shooting it this week.  I’m aiming for a two podcast a month release schedule.  I have the next two already blocked out.  Let’s hope that schedule works.

I’m doing a photo shoot this weekend.  For once, it’s not me taking the photos.  My friend Ken asked me about a year ago if I’d want to do a shoot with him.  It’ll be a little different being in front of the camera.  I fully expect to be uncomfortable at first, but I think I’ll loosen up and have fun as time passes.  I’m bringing a bunch of fun clothes to wear.  I’ll have a whole bunch of fun as well as professional pictures after this.  I think I’ll use some of them for this site’s design.

This past weekend I got something I really really needed: Down time.  I spent most of my weekend catching up on movie watching and some TV.  I’ve caught up on all of the Legend of the Seeker episodes out there.  The show has gotten better.  It was good to begin with, but I really like it now.  I also watched “Super Size Me”, which has helped me commit to never going to McDonalds again.  I didn’t like the place to begin with and rarely went already.  So it won’t be hard.  I also watched Chocolat, which was a charming and beautiful film.  The next two on my list are “The Invisible” starring Justin Chatwin, and Chicago with Rene Zellweger.

I feel a little bit of a need to respond to a lot of the comments I got on my last blog post about my voice.  I don’t have a bad voice by any means.  I realized recently that if I wanted to, I could sing.  I might subject my podcast viewers to that too at some point.  I feel like I should explain.  I have a strong history with music.  In college, I actually got into the University of Wisconsin: Eau Claire school of music, which is actually a very good music school.   The Jazz band has won many a Grammy.  While majoring in music wasn’t for me, I did enjoy the subject enough to complete the music theory classes.  In that time we had to do some singing in class, and I was surrounded by women with these beautiful Soprano and Alto voices.  I’ve always wanted to sound like that…to sing like that.  Instead I would sing along with the class and feel embarassed that my voice didn’t really fit in either the male or female categories.  I felt kind of awkward.

So that’s where my vocal discomfort came from.  It’s taken me a number of years, but now, while that jealousy is still there in some form, I am comfortable with the way I sound.  I have a unique voice that people have often complimented me on.  It’s just another aspect of myself that I’m proud of.

The joys of cooking have continued for me.  This Saturday I made myself a lovely dish.  It was chicken coated in Italian breadcrumbs, baked in olive oil to a nice crisp, browned exterior.  The inside was moist and delicious.  I had sugar snap peas and broccoli as the vegetables.  I also had some long grain rice to complete the meal.  My dessert was a package of fresh strawberries.  What a fantastic meal.

Tonight was not as fantastic.  I was going to make spaghetti, which I don’t make often.  I bought some sauce on Friday when I went grocery shopping.  One of the jars was on clearance. It was Barilla Roasted Garlic pasta sauce.  I love garlic.  So naturally I thought it would be great.  It wasn’t.  In fact it was terrible.  I was shoving the sauce out of the way to try to just eat the noodles.  Now I know why it was on clearance.  Let’s hope the recipe I have for homemade mac and cheese turns out better.

I don’t know why I didn’t mention this earlier, but I had a meeting with Chris and another one of my good friends, Erika, about starting a non-profit and what it would take.  I have amazing friends.  They want to help and were guiding me in the right direction.  I think the most amazing thing was that throughout the whole meeting, the term in use was “we”.  It’s as if there was no question that they would be directly involved in the cause.  I can’t believe sometimes how awesome my friends are.  I’ve been asking around to some friends who are close to both me and this cause about being on the board when we get going, and they’ve been all for it.  I’m excited to see where this door leads.

On that note, it’s time to head to dreamy land.  It’s an early night for me…just past 11:00, but I need the rest.  With all the sleeping in over the weekend, I didn’t sleep much last night.  Thanks for sticking with my blog post until the bitter end.  Haha…g’night all.

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Freelance, Goals, Podcast stuff, friends, history | 1 Comment »

Helping those in need

Tuesday, March 10th, 2009

Well it certainly seems like Tuesdays are my blog update days.  Maybe it has a lot to do with it just being the only day of the week I don’t find myself swamped….wait…no that’s not true.

I’m almost completely over being sick.  I’m at about 93% right now.  All I have left is a little bit of a runny nose and a slight cough.  I think I’ll be back up to 100 % soon.  All things considered…I’m not surprised at all about getting sick.  I’ve been super stressed and I’ve not been getting enough sleep.  I get sick once or twice a year at most.  I guess it was just my time.  At least this time I didn’t get a sinus infection like last year’s nasty cold.  Yuck.

Today wasn’t bad after a string of days that just sucked.  I wish I could tell you why too.  There’s a lot of reasons, and I’m not allowed to talk about them.  Yeah, I’m being serious.  Let’s just say…there are a lot of things I’m not happy with right now and there are a lot of possible things that may change that in the near future.

Anyway, back to today.  I stopped to help out two people today, and it made me feel great.  I was at the grocery store, and a woman was calling for some help.  I looked over as I was walking, and it was a woman in an electric wheelchair.  She needed help getting something.  No one else was paying her any mind, and that really bothered me.  I walked over and helped her.  She was a very nice woman and was very gracious.  Why don’t people stop to help others more often?

Also, I went to check out and swiped my two items at the self check station.  I looked at the price and was like “Gah!!”.  It was several dollars more than it should have been.  I had two items: a pepsi and a donut.  The bill was six dollars for some reason.  Turned out someone had scanned dishsoap and forgot to void it.  So I did.  I went to swipe my card afterwards, and the receipt was already on its way out.  Turns out someone had gone through but didn’t finish their transaction. So instead my two items were on that person’s card.  Most people would walk away claiming a freebie.  I have a conscience.  I told the clerk, and she took care of voiding that transaction.  I rang my stuff up and paid.  I was thanked for my honesty.

That transaction was the last one I’ll get this week.  Payday is Friday, and I am literally flat broke until then.  When I got home from work today, I opened my mail box to find a collections letter in there in regards to my medical bills.  I called the number and had a long conversation with the man on the other end.  They expect me to pay back $700 in five months.  I have literally no room in my budget, and they want me to pay 150 a month or so.  I have no idea how I’ll manage that.  I don’t get it.  So many people hold off on paying medical bills.  I was specifically told to put that last on my list.  Why am I dealing with collections?  How do other people manage when they have bills outstanding for much longer and at much higher rates?  I hate money.

At least there’s some light at the end of the tunnel.  I have some new freelance lined up.  Another editor backed out, and I got the gig instead.  That’s always good for me.  The videos are 3 minute clips for a set of restaurants in the area.  There will be five of them, and they pay $350 each.  Starting this month.  Maybe I will make it through ok. In fact, I may come out with even my furniture paid off!  Who knows.  Maybe in a couple months…I’ll even have some money in savings?!!

I have to do my taxes yet, and I’m not looking forward to it.  I may have to pay.  Due to my sickly financial situation, I never was able to put any of the money I earned through freelance away.  I overpay on my full time job taxes and I can write off a lot of things for my business.  So we’ll see.  There’s also a possibility of a return.  Here’s hoping.  I’m putting money away for taxes this coming year.  That’ll make me less stressed next March.

There’s some potential change coming in my future.  I’ve been thinking about what I want to do in the coming year, and one of the things that has come up recently is grad school.  If things continue, I may have a lot of my debt paid off by the time I could start grad school.  I’ve missed the deadline for applying for this coming fall.  That’s actually ok.  I still have to take the GRE.  I am thinking about two options.  The first is the more likely of the two.  I’m considering the Mass Comm graduate program at the University of Minnesota.  My major would be Mass Comm with an emphasis on communication processes, structures, and effects.  The minor would be in feminist / gender studies.  The second option would be at the Annenberg School for Communication, which is part of USC.  That’s like…the premier of schools for communication, and it’d be difficult to get in…and pay for.  But I might as well try, right?

There’s a position opening up in Chippewa Falls at a dentist office.  It’s not glamorous. It’s a receptionist position.  I know the owner / dentist, and she’s a really awesome person.  She’s a friend of mine and Chris’.  She actually mentioned it to me.  It’ll be opening up in July.  If I apply and get that, I’d move in with Chris.  He’s moving into a house that costs $700 a month to rent.  It’s much bigger than my current place and is cheaper.  We’d be splitting costs.  So bills would be cut down by a significant amount.  I’d go from $760 a month in rent to $350.  Plus, I’d be living with my best friend.  We’ve done that before and we know it works.  So neither of us is worried.

It’s a big move, but at the same time, I think it’s the right one.  I’ll be happier.  The job is much lower stress.  Paying bills will be easier.  And with the lower stress job…I might be able to get more done on goals of mine.  Right now, I work my job and when I come home, I don’t want to go back to work.  So nothing gets done.  If I had a low stress job, things might be different.  So I’m strongly considering it.

My big concern has been freelance and whether I’d keep it.  Honestly, I can’t see why I’d lose work.  I have an ftp site, and most of the work I do has web delivered content.  I’ll probably be down in Milwaukee once a month to meet with people and work on some longer term projects.  It could prove even more lucrative than staying here.  That’s my hope at least.  I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Podcast news…I’m working on an ambitious approach to my next few.  This upcoming one will be about the difference between gender identity and sexual orientation.  I’m going to start shooting this weekend.  I’ll probably shoot some of the middle of it during the week, and hopefully it’ll be online sometime late next week.  I’ll post about it.  The ones after that one will be a three part series.  :D   Aren’t you excited?!! I am.

OK…I have to get up early tomorrow.  I’m leaving work for an early lunch tomorrow to help a friend go to a doctor’s appointment.  I want to get to work earlier to make up for the time.  Hopefully I’ll find some time to post another update before next Tuesday.  Have a good week otherwise. :D

Tags: , , , , , , ,
Posted in Employment, Freelance, Goals, Uncategorized, friends | 1 Comment »

« Older Entries