It’s New Years Day. I spent New Years Eve, and today home alone. I figure this is the best time to talk about change. If my new years resolution was to avoid major cliches, I’d have already broken a resolution. I certainly hope that 2014 will be better than 2013 ended up.
New Years / New Life Resolutions
I have a long history of talking about resolutions on this blog. In this case, it’s not just for the new year, but it’s really for the restart of my life. So, let’s begin there.
1. Be feeling more emotionally healthy in six months
I didn’t expect to be in this emotional state when this year ended. In fact, I thought it unlikely I would ever feel this kind of pain, depression, and turmoil again in my life. Right now, almost every morning I wake up wishing I hadn’t. I go through my days feeling like I’m just existing and really don’t have anything to live for. I know that with time, things will get better. I’ll be happy again at some point. I’ll be calling a counselor before week’s end. I have a nice list of people that will help me continue down the right path.
2. Replace my car
My car is a 2000 Ford Focus putting it now at 14 years old. It’s gotten me through a lot, but it’s time for a change. This year I will replace it. No excuses.
3. Take a trip or three
Since I got out of college, I’ve never been able to take a real vacation. Any time off has been a staycation. I want to go somewhere that I’ve never been and do something exciting. I’ve already made a pact with a long time friend that we’ll meet up this year. I think it’s long overdue that I go somewhere just for the fun of it.
4. Get out of my comfort zone
For the past few years, it’s been pretty routine. I come home from work. Have dinner, and sit on the couch. Weekends consist of shopping, playing video games, and watching TV. It’s time to mix it up. I’m going to try to find new groups, do new things, and find stuff that I wouldn’t normally do. I think it’ll be really good for me.
5. Be more physically active
Another cliche. As mentioned in resolution #4, I’m a lazy ass. I need to be more active. I’m not going to get a gym membership unless I know I’ll use it. Instead I’m going to figure out what works for me. I’ve wanted to replace my bike for a while. Maybe that’s the route I’ll go. Maybe I’ll find a friend to go biking with and ride the trails.
6. Save, Save Save
For the first time in my life, I’m out of the majority of my debt and don’t have that many expenses. It’s time to save what I can so I’m not as concerned about my financial future. Time to be an adult.
7. Take on new challenges and hobbies
Again…as mentioned in resolution #4, my list of hobbies has grown thin over the years. I would like to learn some new things and do something other than be a potato at home. Maybe it’ll be becoming a maker. Maybe it’ll be learning to weld. Maybe it’ll be hang gliding. I don’t know, but I want to do some new things.
8. Continue to write regularly
I would never have called myself a writer before, but I’m finding that it’s probably the most fulfilling hobby I have. It helps me grow as a person, and I really enjoy it. I want to make it a habit to write daily in some way. Maybe I’ll branch out and try writing styles other than expository, which is my strong suit.
9. Do something creative
I used to be a very creative person back in college. I’ve been rather boring lately, and I think as one of the challenges I take up as part of resolution #7, I should do something creative. Maybe it’ll be a video project or a gaming project. Maybe it’ll be photographic. I don’t know. I just want to stretch that part of me and have fun.
10. Change my routine wardrobe
My wardrobe is boring and unchanging. I need to spice it up and try some new styles. I think it’d be good for my self confidence and self image. Now I just need someone to shop with. Any volunteers?
More Furniture Shopping
I needed to pass some time on Saturday because of the ex coming over to get some of her stuff (more on that later). So I headed to the furniture store again and spent a bunch of time walking around. I decided to add to my furniture collection by getting the chair and ottoman that match my couch. I have the room for it, and why not? I’m thinking about getting a matching wooden tray to use on the ottoman as a coffee table-like thing. Right now I’m using a cedar chest that’s really a bit too high to be a coffee table. The ottoman would be much better. Plus, it has storage for blankets and stuff. The unfortunate thing is that they won’t have all the pieces in until February. So I’ll have to wait a few weeks for delivery. Oh well.
After the furniture store, I didn’t really know what else to do. I needed to pass a bit more time. So, I headed in the direction of the mall. On my way, I decided that seeing a movie would pass the time quickly. Unfortunately Thor 2 is out of the theaters now. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty was the only movie starting exactly at the time that I got there. Normally I’m not much of a Ben Stiller fan. I don’t really enjoy embarrassment humor, which is his typical fare. I feel the embarrassment of the character instead of laughing at their misfortune. It’s just uncomfortable. Thankfully this movie was not at all his typical fare.
The story was a personal growth tale about a guy with a rather uninteresting life. He daydreams a lot, and that’s something I can relate to. My life is very uninteresting, and I find myself lost in elaborate daydreams many times throughout the day. The film made me think about that a lot and question what I do with my free time. I really enjoyed the film, and I was very surprised by that. In some ways, I’d even say it was inspiring. Hopefully I’ll take that to heart and use that inspiration with my resolution goals.
After the movie, I wasn’t ready to go home yet. I had a lot of feels I was experiencing, and I decided to continue doing stuff. While I had been home visiting my folks, I was checking out cars online, and I got contacted by a guy from the Ford dealership in town. We talked on the phone about how I wanted an Escape, and they invited me to come test drive vehicles. I decided to go do that. It was 2:00 on a Saturday. Why not, right? I’ve been looking into the Escape for a while. So the first thing we did was drive one.
I wasn’t surprised that I liked it. It drives really nice, has a lot more room than my two door Focus, and has way more features than my car ever did. My only criticism is that it’s not quite as roomy as I was hoping. The Escape is built on the Focus platform, which gives it a slightly smaller frame than, say, the Edge, which is what I drove next. I was sold on the Escape until I drove the Edge. It has everything the Escape had, except it’s just a bit bigger. I had expected it to drive like a boat, but it really doesn’t. I found myself loving every minute of driving it. I think I know what I’m going to get. The only thing I don’t like about it is the price. Either way, it’s still a few months off.
It was a lot of fun though. I really liked the salesman. This dealership wasn’t pushy at all. They were all very personable and fun to chat with. I stayed and had conversation with the guy for a bit longer than I needed to. I’m actually looking forward to when I get to go back and drive them again right before I buy. It was definitely not the experience I was expecting.
The Steam Machine has been fun. I recently started playing a game called Beatbuddy: Tale of the Guardians. It was a game given to me by Valve as part of the beta test. I can see why. It’s a great game for home theaters. It’s a bit like a platformer, but not quite, and it’s rhythm based. There’s a lot of really cool music playing that you contribute too as you play the game. I found that the music alone had me wanting to continue playing. It’s fun to jam out to as you play.
Otherwise, I’ve been on my windows machine playing Saints Row IV. It’s not the most intelligent game, but it’s what I need right now: Wanton Destruction. I definitely haven’t been in a mood to want to play something really emotionally involved. I’ve been just wanting to play something that involves mass destruction and open world. Saints Row is over the top and ridiculous. It’s fitting the bill quite nicely.
I’m seriously considering taking a course as DMACC just down the road. Specifically, I’m thinking about taking a brush up math course. It’s been 12 years or so since my last time in a Math class…maybe longer. I never made it through college calculus, and I feel like I should really go back and get through it. Web development doesn’t require that much math, but the way user interface work is going, we’re going to be into 3D land very soon. That requires stronger math skills, and I’d like to be on top of my game there.
I’m not sure which class is appropriate. I may have to go in and talk to someone about where I was and how I’m feeling right now about my skills. I used to be very good at math back in the day, but like any skill, if you don’t use it, you lose it. I feel like if I brush up, I could tackle Calculus head on and make it through with no problems. I think it’d be good for me, my work, and help provide me with a good, positive focus. On top of that, it’ll get me out of the house and meeting new folks.
I’m thinking this is likely the last time I’ll write this much about my feelings about my former relationship. I’ve reached a point where I think there will be less on my mind going forward. First and foremost, she misspoke when she told me that she was moving in to her new place January 27th. She meant December 27th. So, last week Friday, she came and took the majority of her stuff out. She had to come back twice on Saturday to get the last three items, which is why I was out and about trying to pass time. I have to say, it’s what I wanted, but it’s really bittersweet. It means she’s really gone, and the nail is in the coffin. While I know I had accepted that a few weeks ago, it’s a weird feeling once that reminder is gone. My garage is now empty.
I really worked hard to pack up her stuff. She’ll never find someone as nice and accommodating as I was. Here’s a look at how much I did for her:
You can click on any one of these images to see the full size images in the Google+ gallery.
I’m now to the point that I’m cutting contact completely. The only reason I now have to contact her involves taxes and anything involving the house. Otherwise, she’s out of my life. Once the house is gone, I’m done with her completely. October can’t come fast enough. All that said, it’s still very hard for me. I fluctuate throughout the day on how emotionally ok I am. Some mornings, I’m feeling great, but the evening is a little rough. Other times it’s the other way around. More of the normal me is coming out, but slowly. I also find myself trying not to talk about it, even though I know I feel myself wanting to. I think that’s a good sign. I don’t want to annoy those around me with constant whininess about my breakup. Instead, I write about it so friends can come and read my whininess here.
I decided to officially go through and unfriend her and those that were really her friends and family. Despite the fact that I care about a lot of them, I think it’s for the best to unfriend and move on. So, I went through Google+, Twitter, and Facebook, and did the unfriending deed. Strangely, I got to her, and she had already unfriended me. I found that to be very interesting considering she said she thought of me as her best friend / sister. She said she still wanted me in her life. If that’s truly the case, why would she unfriend me? Whatever. What’s done is done.
One thing that may be surprising, when I saw her for the dinner that didn’t happen, she actually requested that her name be removed from any of my blog posts. I had to redact her name from a post years ago because of that. She said she didn’t want it on there for job application purposes. I was actually dumbfounded when she asked me to do that. It felt a bit like a final slap in the face. To me, it was like “Yeah, I want no record that I was ever with you.” Every time I think through this whole thing, I really just shocks me at how cold and brutal she was with this. I feel this way even stronger especially after speaking with some mutual friends. They informed me that they would be uncomfortable in her future encounters with my ex because “what she did to me was really a dick move”. It really was. It just goes to show, never trust someone who identifies more strongly with the Sith than the Jedi. All of her lightsabers were red…no joke.
Side note: “I still want you in my life”, “It’s not you, it’s me”, and “Let’s just be friends” are the biggest bunch of bullshit lies ever conceived by humans. She didn’t use this exact language, but said similar things. The biggest problem with these phrases is that they’re either not genuine, or they don’t take into account the reality of the situation. By that I mean the fact that one person just ripped the heart out of the other person. In my case, I’m not sure I would even want to consider friendship in the future. Do I want to remain friends with someone that has the capacity to be so cold, cowardly, and heartless? At this point, I think the answer may be no. I can admit that right now my perceptions are very colored. We’ll see how that feeling changes in six months
Before I unfriended her sister and her mother, I sent them both a final farewell email and thank you. Her sister was always wonderful to me. I really loved hanging out with her and her family when I got to visit. I didn’t get to see them enough. She sent me a very nice message back, as did Jess’ mom. They were very sweet people, and it sounds like both of them really cared about me. Thanks guys, if you’re reading this. I’ll miss you.
Jessica’s Dating Rules as of 2014
The last thing I’ll talk about is something that’s been creeping into my mind as I heal, and that’s my approach to dating going forward. There are things I want and things I don’t want. I also want to think about setting guidelines for myself to prevent myself from falling into foolish behaviors of the past. Here goes:
1. No more long distance relationships. Period.
I have a lengthy history of long distance relationships. Jess started as a long distance relationship. My relationship prior was semi-long distance as she had moved to Chicago while I lived in Milwaukee. I’ve done the internet relationship many times in my early 20s, and that never worked. So, this is me shutting the book on that. If I date someone, they have to live within a 30 mile-ish radius of where I live.
2. No more relocating to be with someone unless I’m married.
I followed the advice of a friend that suggested not to live apart from the one you love. I think this is great advice if you’re already married and have been committed to each other for a long time. However, if you’re not in that situation, just don’t do it. If it doesn’t work out, you end up in a place that’s not your home and without a support group. The only way I’m going to relocate now is if it’s for me.
3. No more dating academics.
No offense intended to academics here. I know a lot of them, and they’re all very nice people. However, right now, I want someone who lives the same schedule I do, and has the same professional world as I do. I don’t want to deal with time being measured in semesters and academic years. I also don’t want someone who takes their work home with them like academics tend to do. Plus, I think it’s the memory of Jess that hurts too much. I want something different now.
4. Improve listening skills
This is perhaps me being harsh on myself, but I’ve had issues in my last two relationships with being unaware that there were any issues with the relationship. Perhaps I was complacent, and yes, if my girlfriends don’t communicate anything to me about their issues, I won’t know. Still, if I pay better attention and listen better, perhaps I can be aware of any issues that come up before they are a bigger problem.
5. Don’t get complacent
I think I took my ex for granted. I don’t know that I showed her how much I loved her as often as I should have. This is something I don’t want to happen again. I want my partner in the future to know that I truly care for them all the time. I don’t want to get caught in the idea that they will always just be there. Being loved is a wonderful thing and shouldn’t be taken for granted.
6. Must be able to communicate well
Gee, I wonder why I’d put this here? I don’t want to be caught up in another situation where there are problems that go unspoken about for periods like a year or more. Communication is key in relationships, and without it, there’s pain. So, I want my next partner to be good at it.
7. Person must love who they are and have great self confidence
My ex frequently seemed to have self image issues, body image issues, and confidence issues. We all go through these things, but it seemed a constant thing for her. I’m not sure why, but I can’t help but wonder if this played into her breaking up with me. Either way, I want someone who is happy with who they are and what they look like.
8. Must not identify with the Sith / villains
Yeah, that’s right. I don’t want a Sith. In every video game, film, and story, I identify with the heroes. I always have. My ex didn’t. Like I said earlier, every lightsaber she owned was red. I want someone who is like me in their compassion and desire to help others. Yes, I understand how ridiculous this is.
9. No slobs
I’m not a clean freak. I’m not OCD about things being picked up and put away either. However, if I’m tripping over seven pairs of shoes that were left out in the living room, that’s too much. I want someone that appreciates counter space being visible, and isn’t going to let things just pile up like crazy.
10. Must be a nerd
This goes without saying, but I said it anyway. Nerds are awesome, and I don’t think I could be with someone that didn’t like the nerdy things I like. I want to share those things with my partner.
So that’s it. Let me know your thoughts and feels in the comments below or on the various social media platforms. Happy New Year to all of you, and thanks for reading.