It’s been a few months. I’ve been gathering my thoughts and feelings for a while now, and it’s time to send them out in to the ether of the internet. This episode will feature a few things: relocation, relapses, and real estate; dating, drama, and depression; Silence and Solitude. There’s a lot to talk about. I’ll start with the items that are the most on my mind right now.
Not going to lie, it’s been a bit of a struggle lately. It began a few weeks ago when I received contact from the ex. It was cordial and professional surrounding the house and getting it on the market. The moment I saw the email…no, the moment I saw even the gmail label marked as having a new message…the blood ran out of my face. It made my heart drop. I hadn’t thought much about her in general for a while. I was well on my way to a healthy emotional outlook. All it took was that…one glance at one email to bring a bunch of feelings back from their carbonite storage. Apparently the carbonite kept the feelings very well protected. Perhaps I should consider different emotional storage options if I want them to decay faster…
I knew it would happen like this. I was dreading it as soon as I started recovering from the breakup. This is the reason I asked her back in the early part of the year to buy me out of the house. I just wanted to be done with her. I still want that. I really wasn’t looking forward to when I’d have to have contact with her again, and here we are. What I can say is that the emotional fallout from this is manageable, and it’s also quite different from the feelings I was feeling last winter.
Let me explain. Last winter, I was lamenting the loss of her. I was angry with her. I was feeling betrayed and very hurt. Those feelings are certainly there now, but they are faded. The feelings I have now are more of just a general emptiness. There is still a gaping hole in my life. I haven’t had a best friend for 9 months now. I miss having someone to turn to in which to share everything. It makes life kind of ho hum, really. Life has become this kind of…flatness. Each day is just another day. There’s very little that is exciting or that could even excite me. I also miss the intimacy of being with someone…the inside jokes, the familiar looks and touches, and shared experiences. Long and the short of it, I don’t miss her. I really don’t, but I do miss being in love.
I just finished listening to “American Gods” by Neil Gaiman, and in so many ways I could relate to the main character of Shadow. He always seemed like he just followed where life took him, never really questioning or challenging it. I feel like the river of time is just pulling me along in its current, and there’s nothing compelling along the banks to make me want to pull myself out. Though lately it’s just been like I’ve been pulled under a few times. Sometimes when I’m walking down the halls at work, off to lunch, shopping somewhere, I find myself in my head wondering what’s making my legs even move. Sometimes it feels like I’m on autopilot. It’s a strange feeling that really makes me contemplate things.
I’ve dealt with depression a few times in my life. The first real difficult struggle with depression was before transition, and it totally surrounded not being myself. That’s situational depression. My struggle right now is also situational depression. I am grateful that I don’t have general depression that’s omni and ever present. To those that do, you have my deepest sympathies. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for Robin Williams. My heart goes out to his family. With his loss being felt so strongly amongst those of us who only knew him through TV and movies, it must be unbearably painful to those that were close to him.
My own depression has had me thinking about ways to describe it to those that have never dealt with it. Depression is like dealing with a heavy weight on your chest. If it were weight lifting, the barbell would be almost impossibly heavy to push off your chest. On the days I’m very down, even telling myself that I’m going to be fine is like I’m struggling with total muscle collapse. It’s so difficult to do…like pushing back against the wind of a hurricane. It occurs to me that I used to describe depression as a bit addictive, but that’s not entirely accurate. It’s more like an undertow. It’s just so hard to fight that you have to give in for a while to build up your strength to fight it again later. So for a while, you drown in depressiveness.
So yeah, it’s a struggle for me right now, and it will continue to be one while I go through the process of selling this house. Here’s hoping the house sale goes quickly. I’m eager to be done with all this and really forge ahead in life. Eventually this relapse will be just a blip in my past.
I moved. Again. My goal was to move out of the place that I lived with the ex and closer to where I work. I wanted no attachment to the memories of that place. Don’t get me wrong. It was a nice place. I had a great landlord. It was a bit expensive, but I had very few complaints. About the only thing I really wanted was a basement. Storage was a problem. It’s not really an issue anymore.
I moved in to a stand-alone house. No more shared walls! It’s a little cheaper and has a lot more benefits. There’s a full basement, which means I won’t feel as terrified next year when tornado season hits again. The yard is very green. It’s at the end of a street and backs up to a small forest-like area that is very lush. It’s very quiet, and also very pretty. I hear the chirping of insects every night. There’s lots of birds too. I walked out onto my back deck one night shortly after I moved in and was met by an 8-point buck staring at me from the tree line. I know there are a bunch of raccoons in the area too. I enjoy nature a lot, and this place is surrounded by it. I have no complaints there.
The house does come with a few downsides. The garage is not attached, and there is no keyed back door. So I have to walk to get in the house. It hasn’t been a problem so far, but come winter, it’ll get annoying. The driveway is long too. So I’ll definitely need a snow blower. There’s no way I’d be able to shovel that without serious back pain. I also have to take care of the lawn. So, there’s definitely more chores to do. I think the tradeoffs are worth it though. Alas, I’m no closer to work than I was before. Regardless, I think it worked out pretty well.
I had put in a lot of effort into going on first dates and using dating sites. After all that, I’m not dating anyone, and I’m done looking for now. It takes a lot of energy, and I just don’t have it. I’ve met some cool folks, and I’ve met some not so cool folks. It’s been interesting though. I’ve never done the dating thing like this before. In the past, dates have been few. A few dates led to a relationship. This whole “date a lot of people one or two times” thing is weird to me. I suppose it has helped me learn what I’m looking for, what I want, and what I don’t want. That’s nice, and I’m thankful for that.
Honestly, I don’t know how people can maintain this kind of energy though. There was a point in which I went on like…4 or 5 first dates in a week. I had a hard time keeping them all straight, and by the end of it, I was pretty tired of first dates. And then I hit this relapse period. I would say that due to my emotional relapse, it’s probably good that I’m not out there on the dating scene anymore. There was a pretty distinct change in my behavior after ex contact began, and that was sign enough for me to step away. It’s hard to focus on the other person in any way when I’m struggling with my own emotional health.
The other hard thing is that I find myself struggling with confidence issues. I’ve had a few relationships now that have abruptly ended. One ended due to my ego at the time, and the other ended due to my ex’s unhappiness with sex. There have been many times during this period of dating in which I found myself thinking “What the hell are you doing? You’re just going to disappoint her in the end. Just give it up.” The sad thing, and this is the honest truth, is that I believe it.
I’m not going to lie. That was really hard for me to write. It even made me cry for a while. It’s the honest truth though, and it’s likely that single thought is the fuel of the fire that’s driving this ongoing depression.
The drama in my life lately has been interesting. It’s probably the first time I’ve written about drama that isn’t mine. It’s actually drama between friends. I have mentioned in recent posts that I’ve been going to meetups. One of those meetups is called Drinking Liberally. This group has been really helpful in bringing me out of my funk and depression in the past. I’ve met a good portion of my Iowa friends there, and it’s been wonderful.
Several months back, something changed. There was a kerfuffle between the hosts of the group. The end result was a rift and a splinter group forming. Now some people go to one group, and others to the other group. Few, if any, go to both. It’s a bit sad because I always looked forward to my Thursday nights. Now it’s still fun, but it’s definitely not like it was. There’s a different vibe. I wish the hosts could come together and work out their differences, but obviously that’s out of my control. I just hope that things get better over time. This group has really helped me, and I know it can help others too.
I went home to visit my family a few weeks back. It was really nice to see them. If there was one thing I wish I could do more of is visit family. This visit I saw more of my family than I have in a long time. Not only did I see all of my immediate family, I saw a good portion of my aunts and uncles on my mom’s side. A few of my cousins were there too. One of my cousins I hadn’t seen in probably a decade. It was quite a bit of fun getting to hang out after all that time.
I think one of the things that I realized during that weekend was how fortunate I am to have the family that I have. A lot of my friends talk about their families in a less than stellar light. Some of them have estranged parental units. Others have siblings in prison. Still others didn’t have much family at all and went through the foster care system. I’ve realized that my family is a rare breed. My parents are still married. In fact most of my aunts and uncles are still married. There’ve been no falling outs or anything like that. In fact, we all enjoy spending time together. Must be something in our genes…or maybe the water. I knew I was fortunate to have a family that didn’t reject me when I came out, but I realize how truly fortunate I am to have the family I have. I’m very thankful for them.
My cousins, uncle, and I came up with a game that we played in the back yard. I had stopped and picked up three styrofoam gliders at the toy store before our evening cookout that Saturday. The original intent was to give them to my niece and nephews. As usual, the adults ended up having more fun with them. We ended up setting up a cross fire in the back yard. Two people would throw a glider back and forth while the other two would throw a nerf whistler football. The goal was typically to target the glider with the football and try to knock it out of the sky. This game went on for hours. It was a blast, and as you can imagine, it pretty much stopped when no glider was left with enough pieces intact to fly. If you have a gathering in the future, I highly recommend this game.
I’ve been doing a lot of bird watching since I’ve moved. Now that I have a back yard and a deck, I’ve gotten a few bird feeders that I’ve mounted. This hobby of putting up bird feeders seems to be a familial one. My parents, my younger sister, and I all have them. I don’t know why we like it so much, but we do. I think we all have a desire to be around nature. Birds are beautiful creatures, and they are a lot of fun to watch.
So far the biggest challenge has been how to deal with the raccoons. All the feeders are deck-mounted. So the coons have been climbing up on to the deck and finding ways to get at the seed or suet cakes. It’s been a bit annoying. This morning I woke up to the suet cake cage thing missing entirely and only a chain remaining. I’m thinking they jumped and caught it, and their weight pulled it down.
Otherwise, I’ve seen a number of species of birds so far. Gold finches, sparrows, nuthatches, woodpeckers, Cardinals (the awesome kind…not the baseball team), grackles, house finches, doves, and black-capped chickadees. I think so far, the woodpeckers and nuthatches are my favorites. It’s a surprisingly expensive hobby though. Those birds eat a lot!
Video Game Break
I know this sounds crazy, but I haven’t had much interest in playing video games lately. So I took a break and have been doing other stuff. There’s been a little gaming in there though. I played a surprisingly difficult game called “Banished” for a while. It’s a town building game, like sim city, but it also involves resource management and making sure you keep all your citizens alive. They have to plant food and hunt for resources. I thought it would be a much easier game, but nope. I have yet to have a very successful village. I tend to get by for a while and then suddenly realize I’ve made a grave error. It’s a fun challenge once in a while.
I also recently decided to finally get through the original Bioshock. Over the years, I’ve started the game around 3 times. I’ve played it to a point about a quarter of the way in and then stopped. This time I’ve already played it most of the way through. I have maybe a level to go before the game is done. I’ll probably finish it up this week.
Yeah, otherwise, I’ve been less interested. I don’t know if the stress of the move played in to that or if it’s perhaps the depression. We’ll see if my desire changes in the coming weeks.
Otherwise, for now, I’m living a simple, solitary (aside from the roommate), and quiet life. Some would probably say boring. That’s ok with me though…for now. I do have some things going on in the advocacy / education front, but I’ll write more on it when I know more. Until then, thanks for reading, and live long and awesome.