Infectious Experience

January 11th, 2010

I can easily say that so far, this new year / decade has not started well.  Hopefully it’s not like the whole “woke up on the wrong side of the bed” scenario.  It started with me getting sick with a head cold right on New Years Day.  How wonderful…

I hate being sick.  It doesn’t happen often, but for some reason I’ve been sick twice in the past 6 months.  This one was worse than the last.   It didn’t seem that way at first, but after five days of blowing my nose raw it was pretty obvious.  Then suddenly I stopped getting better, and the awesomeness coming out of my nose turned neon yellow.  So on Saturday, I went to Urgent Care to get my sinus infection diagnosed.

While I was there, the doctor informed me that my left ear had wax buildup.  That’s the same ear that had blockage problems last year.  So, on Sunday, I decided to try the ear wax removal drops I have and see what happens.  I figured I could take care of it.  Instead, the drops got stuck in my ear.  I couldn’t get them out.  I tried just about everything from a q-tip to jumping up and down to a blow drier to sleeping on my ear to let it drain out.  Nothing worked.  So all night and all day I had a blocked left ear that was kind of annoying.

So that meant today I got to go back to the doctor.  How fun!  This time they flushed my ear and got the offending wax out.  Finally the water drained!  My god what a relief.  I was then informed that I had an ear infection to go along with my sinus infection.  That’s wonderful.  I don’t know if I’ve ever had an ear infection before.

What I found odd…my doc told me that most people complain of a big ear ache along with an ear infection like mine.  I didn’t really notice.  It was a little uncomfortable and the whole being deaf in one ear was annoying.  Otherwise, I guess I never noticed.  Makes me wonder how high my pain tolerance is.  I know I don’t get headaches often and I only keep tylenol in my cabinet because someone might need it at some point.  I must be weird…

So yeah, things are getting better.   I should be finally breathing easy again by the end of this week.  I’m sick of blowing my nose, and I’m sure my roommates and coworkers are sick of hearing it.  I’m excited though…today was the first time in a while that I’ve felt truly hungry.  So I made myself a big dinner, and it was fantastic!

Let’s see…let’s go backward.  New Years Eve was fun.  Chris and I went to our friend’s Sarah and Kit’s house.  It was a great time.  We played Pit and enjoyed everyone’s company.  There was good food and a lot of laughs.

Christmas isn’t what it once was for my family.  We didn’t do the gifts thing this year.  No one could really afford it.  So it was really just food and family.  Don’t get me wrong, that’s great.  It’s just doesn’t feel like it did when I was a kid.  Plus, we do everything on Christmas Eve now since my siblings have families.  I’m really the only one staying over at my parents’ house now.  I miss that feeling of wonder and excitement of childhood Christmases.  All things change I guess.

I did end up spending money on myself though.  I bought an electric blanket.  My parents had one on my bed when I was at home, and I just loved it.  I haven’t regretted buying it at all so far.  In fact, I’m sitting under it right now.

My family went to see Avatar, which…awesome! If you haven’t, go see it, and go see it in digital 3D.  I have already gone to see it twice.  I may see it a third time before it leaves theaters.  Such a cool film.

I can’t forget to mention this.  Right after Christmas, a great friend of both mine and Chris came to visit all the way from San Francisco, California.  Her name is Lisa.  She went to college with both Chris and I, and she’s the coolest hippie I know.  We spent the Monday night after Christmas hanging out, catching up, sharing good food, and loving every minute of it.  She is a friend I hope I stay in contact with for the rest of my life.  We have such a great connection.

Lisa, Chris, and I are such kindred spirits.  There are so few people that I can talk so deeply with about things that are so personal and sacred.  I trust them with anything.  Lisa, Chris, and I talked about something that I’ve felt for a long time.  It’s this feeling…no…longing to go home.  By home, I mean back to where our souls come from.  This world is so mundane, so harsh, so hurtful…yet we’re here…trapped in these fleshy shells with such limited perceptions of time and space.  I know a big part of me yearns to be released from my entrapment, but I know I still have things I have yet to do here.  I may not know what those things are, but…I just know.  Both Chris and Lisa share that feeling, and it’s nice to know that I’m not alone in feeling what I feel.  I think that is a wonderful thing to share.  I am so grateful to know both of them.

Let’s see…since I haven’t written since Thanksgiving really, none of my readers know of the crap I had to deal with in December.  The big one was that my car’s fuel pump finally died.  All of my plans for a new laptop went out the window.  I had to put my moneys toward a shiny new pump to make my car run again.  $700 dollars later and I got just that.  My car has been running beautifully ever since.

Out of that fiasco and disappointment, I did some thinking and really decided that I really did need a new laptop.  I finally decided to sell my iMac.  I figured it was the only way to get the laptop that I really needed.  So I went about doing that and success!  I was able to sell it.  I realized also that I had some software licenses on it that were also worth money that I could sell separately.  I ended up coming out quite well in the deal.  I got myself a shiny new fiery red Sony Vaio laptop with some nice fixins on the inside.  It’s been serving me well for a couple weeks new, and I am quite happy with it.  That was really my Christmas gift to myself.

So, that means…I can actually do some of the things I’ve been holding off on.  Unfortunately due to my getting sick for so long, I’ve had no energy to do any of it over the duration of my time with this laptop.  So, as this week progresses, I’m guessing more will get done.  I’m feeling my energy come back with each day.  I’ve been doing theming research for drupal.  So genderverse should be set within a week.   Mark my words!

I have another major post I plan on writing in the next couple days too.  I have had something on my mind that I feel I really need to share.  So stay tuned for that.  In the meantime…I’m sore from my terrible night’s sleep last night.  I’m still recovering from my infections, and I’m tired.  So…yes I know it’s only 10:30pm, but I’m going to bed.  Sweet dreams all!

Question of the blog: Do you ever feel like I feel about this world and experience?

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Posted in family, friends, sick, spirituality | 2 Comments »

2010 Resolutions

January 1st, 2010

Let’s take a quick look back at the previous year’s resolutions first:

  1. To be in a stable and secure financial situation by year end 2009
  2. Write my book
  3. Get TransLife.net, JessicaJaniuk.com, and TranscendingProductions.com all designed and updated
  4. Get at least 6 paying speaking gigs
  5. Find a new, fulfilling, and prosperous career path
  6. Get my treatment written for my documentary
  7. Apply for several women in business grants for camera equipment and software
  8. Be a more active person in both my professional and personal life
  9. Read more
  10. Be Happy

Going down the list…here’s what happened:

Number 1 was a success.  I am in an infinitely better situation at the beginning of 2010 than I was at 2009.  I’ve been on a debt consolidation program for a year, paid off about 7 grand in debt, and haven’t accrued a penny more in debt since then.

Number 2…that was a big old fail.  My book has an outline, but that’s about it right now.  I did discuss it with my good friend and college professor when I moved back in.  So maybe a minute amount of progress was made.

3…translife was mostly abandoned in favor of genderverse, which is poised to launch any day.  jessicajaniuk.com has a wonderful design, and transcending productions is designed and live too despite the fact that I’m not really interested in running the business anymore.  I’ll call 3 mostly a success.

4…I got a few speaking gigs.  Only one of them was paying.  So I guess we’ll call this progress, but the goal was not achieved.

5.  Complete success.  I not only have a job that is fulfilling and enjoyable, I have many doors open if for some strange reason I decided to leave.  I do not foresee that in the near future, but it’s nice to know the options are there.

6. Fail…or is it?  Really I think this is more of a change of heart.  I decided that the documentary at least in the form it was in was not a good idea.  Maybe I’ll revisit this concept at some point, but for now, I’ve decided to move on from this idea.

7. As mentioned in number 3, I’m not really interested in running a business anymore.  It’s not a good economy to be trying to start something when you’ve got nothing going for you financially.  Plus, business isn’t for me.  I have no intention of maintaining an LLC anymore after this tax year.  So…this one is outdated.

8. I’m now on the board of the community center in town. I attend meetings for the ruby group.  I go to code camps.  I’ve gotten out to parties with friends.  I’ve made special trips to hang out with friends out of town.  I’ve invited out of town friends to visit.  I’d say I’ve succeeded in this one.

9. FAIL.  I have learned that without the right book, I’m not interested in reading.  I read to escape, and I just haven’t found a book with a story that has drawn me in yet.

10. I am happy.  I’d say there’s no comparison to a year ago.  I had a terrible 2008, and 2009 was so much better.  My living situation, my financial situation, my personal life…all wonderful.  The only thing is that I don’t date much.  Other than that, things are wonderful right now.

It’s interesting to see how things have changed since last year.  I’m liking the ability to look back and compare how my wants and dreams have changed since then.  I’m going to make this a yearly habit to write about my resolutions.  So with that, here goes:

2010 New Years Resolutions

  1. Blog more than twice a month on my personal blog.  My posts have gotten way too long and I need to break them up.
  2. Save more.  I don’t put much money into savings, and when I do, I need to make sure I don’t touch it.  That is a big goal for this year
  3. Pay off all non-federal and non-debt consolidation debt.  That includes furniture and my non-government loan.  Less monthly bills = a happy Jess
  4. Take a vacation somewhere that’s not a staycation.  I haven’t gone anywhere on a trip for years.  I need to get away.
  5. Get into better shape.  I sit all day at work and sit when I get home.  I need to take up a sport or something that’ll get me into shape regularly.
  6. Go on more dates – let’s face it…I’m not very active in the love arena.  I never have been.  It’s time I do something about that.
  7. Dedicate time weekly to doing research / writing for genderverse.org. I want to give back to my community more.  I’ve been lazy, and it’s time I get back to the real reason I’m on this planet.
  8. Learn how to do something with my hair. I suck at doing hair.  I can dry my  hair, brush it, put it up, and that’s it.  I want to learn more than that.
  9. Continue working on  my faults. I know this one isn’t exactly measurable, but it’s definitely a good thing for me.  I’ve come a long way in the last year, and I want to continue with that personal growth.
  10. Explore my own spirituality. I haven’t touched my spiritual side in a long time.  I feel a longing to be connected again, and I really should spend time with it.  This is another not as measurable one, but I think it’s also an important one.

That should do it for my resolutions.  I guess we’ll have to wait a year to see how these pan out.

Happy New Year to all of my readers!  Here’s to a great 2010!

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Posted in Goals | 1 Comment »

Remembering

November 26th, 2009

Marking Time

Normally I post about every two weeks.  I held off on posting this time because I wanted to mark time.  Today was Thanksgiving.  A year ago today I was given a rude awakening by someone I loved.  I also had my heart torn from me to which I’m still healing from.  It was important to me to specifically remember this day…this night.

A year ago, Jenn, my ex girlfriend, abruptly broke up with me after what I thought was a beautiful relationship.  She was honest and forthright when she broke it off, and for that I’m thankful.  It didn’t change the hurt, but it was the decent way to do it.  I’ve been thinking a lot about that night for the past year.  It truly changed me.  Suddenly I saw flaws in myself that I found myself shocked that I never saw before.  For that reason, I felt ashamed of myself.  Yes, I know we all have flaws.  It’s just…finding out that you have an ego problem and talk down to people when you hate it when other people do that…it’s like a bad dream.  I only hope that I’ve at least somewhat gotten past that ego.  I don’t want it, and I never want to be that person.

I’m glad Jenn broke up with me for that reason alone.  Now…that aside, I had something happen to me recently that made me think.  Chris and I have been watching How I Met Your Mother lately.  We watched the episode “Slap Bet”, and in it, Neil Patrick Harris’ character talks about what he calls an “O moment”.  By that he means that when you’re dating someone, and they do something that makes you go “Ohhhhh….” and think “yeah, this isn’t going to work.”  For Jenn, realizing my ego existed was her O moment.  She told me so and even referenced the episode of HIMYM during the breakup.  I hadn’t seen the episode at the time.  I found it interesting that I saw the episode about a year after she decided to break if off.

I have a problem with this concept of “O moments”.  Sure we have issues with the people we date, but there should never really be just one thing that does it in, unless it’s something serious, like murder, rape, etc.   She couldn’t a. get passed my ego at the time, b.  ever mention it to me and c. work with me on my own quest to change.  Instead she wanted to just dump me.  To me that says that she wasn’t worth my time.  If she couldn’t accept me at my worst, then she didn’t deserve me at my best.

One year later, I can definitely say I’m over her.  I’m happy that she broke up with me now.  I think it was good for me to learn my faults.  I also think in the long run, I probably wouldn’t have been happy with her.  So it’s all for the best.  I really don’t know when I will date again.  While I may be over Jenn, I still have a lot to work on as far as my own issues go.  I’m sure that will be a life long journey.  I’m in no rush, and being in a smaller city, I don’t have as many opportunities to date.  Who knows, but I’m sure I’ll write about it when it happens.

Day of Rememberance

Yup, lot of remembering in this post.  Last week Friday was the Transgender Day of Remembrance.  I spent the day lecturing at Menomonie High School and UW Stout, both in Menomonie, WI.

At 10:00 am, I was in the auditorium at the High School, and wow…I have never had attendance like that before.  There were 250 some students.  Hands down, that was the smoothest presentation I have given in a long time.  The group was really engaged and asked a lot of questions.  I thought I was going to be intimidated by such a large group, but it wasn’t an issue.  I actually got asked so many questions that I forgot to talk about the film “Transamerica”, which was requested by one of the teachers.  I felt a bit bad about that.  Considering the school has recently had some incidents with bad treatment of LGBT identified students, it sure seems like they are headed in the right direction.  I had about 20 students come up to talk to me right after wards to say thanks and such.  One of them gave me a pride bracelet that they had made for me.  I was not expecting that.  Thank you to the girl that gave me that.  It fits nicely.

UW Stout was also a good time, though the turn out was low.  I can’t say that I’m surprised considering it was a Friday afternoon.  A lot of college students are quick to head for home on Fridays.  Still, for the people that were there, it went very well.  I know some of the things I said really impacted some of the people there.  They came up and told me so afterwards.  I was even asked for my autograph!  That’s never happened before.

That night I also was hosting drop in night at the LGBT Community Center.  We had good conversation.  It was a long day, and I was exhausted by the end of it.  I want to say though, it was an honor to be able to represent the Transgender community on such an important day.  Every year we lose so many to hate and fear.  I only hope that my efforts, and the efforts of all the other trans advocates out there, we can fight that fear and hatred through education and awareness.

Car problems

I had a bit of a scare with my car during the past few weeks.  About two weeks ago, I was leaving work, and suddenly my car wouldn’t start.  I almost drained the battery trying to get it to turn over.  It was odd…and out of the blue.  I had to call Chris to come pick me up.  My car sat in the parking lot for the weekend until I could have it towed.

The mechanic wasn’t sure what it was at first because, surprise, he could start it just fine.  They thought maybe the fuel pump was going.  Upon looking, the fuel filter needed to be changed badly.  So, I got that done, and now it seems to be running fine.  I had one more incident when it wouldn’t start, but since then, no problems.  That’s good because I don’t have the 650 bucks it would cost to fix.

Swords

I know I may have said at one point that I likely wouldn’t go back to fencing, but it looks like I may.  Chris, Josh, and I watched a film called “Reclaiming the Blade”, which talks about the history of swords and their use in fighting.  Specifically it talks about groups today re-learning the historical ways of fighting with them using old manuscripts.  It was fascinating.

Josh didn’t know that there was a fencing group in the Chippewa Valley.  He had no idea that I had learned fencing of sorts in college and had attended a similar group in Milwaukee.  He was so excited because he’s always wanted to learn how to fence.  So, we, as a group, decided that we’re going to start going to the fencing group together starting in January.  It’ll be great to have people to train with and learn with at the same level.  I’m sure there will be many a photo taken, which I will post here.

New Website

Gendeverse is coming along.  It looks like I’m going to go with Drupal, mainly due to its flexibility.  I don’t know what the site will grow into and Wordpress may be too limiting.  I have a logo design done, and I’m working on a site design.  I like the color scheme, and I think it’s going to be quite classy.  My goal is to launch by the new year.

As mentioned in the last post, I talked about a friend that would make a great asset to Genderverse.  If you are following Genderverse on twitter, I put him in charge of that account, and he’s been doing some amazing things.  He is none other than Adam Chernow, and he is teh awesome.  Thanks Adam for being teh awesome.  There couldn’t be a better person to manage the twitter feed for us.

Hollywood

I wish I could use that title to say something like “Yeah, Hollywood called me to talk about movie rights to my life”, but I’m not that amazing.  I wish I was, but I’m not.  Anyway, what I can say is that I have a friend that has followed my blog for years.  She happens to work out in Hollywood as a producer and editor.  She has offered to help me get my career started out there if ever I want it.

How cool is that?!!  I can easily say that it has been my dream to work out there doing films / TV etc.  I remember my mother saying so many times that I put too much of myself out there with this blog, but it has never been a negative thing for me.  It’s only opened doors.  This is one of those that I never would have expected, and it’s totally amazing.

That said, I’m not in any hurry to run out to California.  While it’s a dream, I’m not ready for it yet.  I’m actually in quite a good and comfortable place right now.  I like my job.  I like my living situation.  I like how things are shaping up with my speaking career and advocacy work.  I have plenty of time.  I’m going to ensure that my skills are in shape, and maybe in five years, I’ll move out there.  It’s nice to know I have a plan, and who knows…plans change.  We’ll see what the universe has in store for me.

Giving Thanks

Before I say good night, I want to just say a few things I’m thankful for.  I’m thankful for my family, my friends, my fans, good food, bad jokes, people who laugh at bad jokes, my job, my fellow advocates in the trans community, the interwebs, icanhascheezburger.com, my car still running, having a warm bed to sleep in, life, and love.  There are so many more things I could say, but I’ll leave it at that.  Thanks for reading everyone.

Question of the Blog

What have you experienced in your life that you needed a long time to reflect upon before moving forward?

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Posted in Heartbreak, LGBT, Love, Personal Growth, Transgender, dreams, family, friends | 3 Comments »

Remember Remember the Squirrel of November

November 6th, 2009

I start this post with some bad news.  Today I hit a squirrel while driving to work.  I know some people think they’re rodents and don’t matter, but I still was sad about it.  I tried to dodge, but as Yoda would say…there is no try.  I heard the “thump” and knew.  I saw the damage in my rear view mirror.  I had squashed a life.  Poor little fuzzy…I’m sorry.

Now that the sad part is out of the way, I have had a busy few weeks.  I’ll start as far back as I can.  A Geeky Lady shindig was three weeks ago.  It was a great time.  I got to see @tapps, @jennaddenda, and @ashedryden; three of my geekiest lady friends.  We spent the evening behind the glow of laptop screens.  It was really great to catch up with them.  I need to visit more often.

While I was home, I also got to meet Fezzik, my little sister’s new boxer puppy.  He’s a ball of energy and a lot of fun.  I had fun playing with him while catching up with my sister.  Things seem to be going well for her and her husband.  I envy them in a lot of ways.  Anyway, I asked Fezzik if there were many rocks ahead.  He just kind of looked at me funny.  I certainly hope my sister trains him to respond to that line.  Haha.

I also got to see Elden again.  He’s getting bigger!  No surprise.  He’s a baby.  They grow fast.  I got some cute photos of him and my niece, Kalina.  In fact, that Sunday, we had an unplanned family gathering for dinner.  It’s rare we all get together for a meal, and I’m glad I was there for that.

That following Tuesday was my forum at UW Eau Claire.  It went exceedingly well.  The room was moved because we needed a more open venue.  We had a full house, standing room only!  I was blown away.  Even though I’ve been speaking for years on gender issues, I still never feel prepared enough.  That feeling is only increased because I do it so infrequently these days.  Still, about half way into this presentation, I felt my rust shaking off.  Suddenly that groove came back, and I felt confident and comfortable.

I am excited about that.  I just know that my next few presentations are going to be even more stellar.  I’ve got two events coming up on November 20th, the Transgender Day of Remembrance.  I’m going to be very prepared for them and I’m sure they are going to be amazing experiences.  I’m really looking forward to it.  If you’re going to be in the area of UW Stout, stop on by at 2:30 in the afternoon.

I’ve been very motivated lately and have had some great ideas for Genderverse.  Despite my comfort returning in my speeches, I want to stay on top of the latest information.  So I’ve decided to pledge a day a week next year to research and writing time.  I’m going to read an article, book, or something related to gender a week, and I will comment on it through Genderverse.  I think that’s a great idea to learn and to help others learn through it.

My idea for Genderverse is to turn it into almost an online magazine with regular columns and articles.  I want it to be the place to go to for gender related news and commentary.  I’ve already got one person that’s interested in writing.  I’ve got another person I want to ask.  He tweets a lot of articles and cares a lot about the trans community.  I think he’d be a great person to write and give a straight ally / male perspective.   Now I just need a design for the site.  If you have any thoughts, share them in the comments.

So that’s my excitement of late.  I also have to share a bit of sad news.  I visited gpac.org the other day.  GenderPAC was an organization I worked with when I was in college.  It was run by Riki Wilchins, who has been an inspiration and teacher to me through these years.  GenderPAC was great in that they worked towards ending gender discrimination, had a big focus on youth, and were really the first of their kind when it came to their approach to gender.  Upon visiting the site, I discovered they no longer exist.  There’s a letter explaining their history and why they decided to close their doors.  They ended on a proud note.  I hope I can use their inspiration as a launching point for Genderverse.  Thank you, Riki, and the folks of GenderPAC, for all that you have done and that you continue to do even though the organization is no longer.

Two weeks ago was Twin Cities Code Camp.  What is a Code Camp you ask?  Well, it’s a free conference about programming for programmers by programmers.  This was my first one, and I had a good time.  I finally got to start playing with Ruby on Rails, which is really cool.  I also got to meet some awesome people and came home with a free license to Office 2007 (which still hasn’t arrived yet).

One of the issues that came up at the camp was the lack of women in the field.  I was one of maybe 15 women there.  In fact, in one of the breakout sessions, one of the women was openly hit on by a guy…during the presentation.  There are many reasons that women aren’t attracted to the field, and the ever present misogyny is one of them.  I think a lot of it also has to do with the geek taboo.  I think in a lot of ways there’s a bit of a cycle that keeps women out.  The social expectation for developers is that you are a nerdy, socially awkward guy.  Because of that expectation,  a lot of people, including women, avoid the field.  There’s also a bit of the “good ol’ boys” attitude there.  Misogyny has been present in video games for a long time for the same reasons.  I also think a lot of people are pushed out of the field because of the way that programming is taught.  I almost didn’t even have a CS minor because of that very reason, and yet, here I am a developer now.  I’m mostly self taught and from what I’m told, I’m pretty good at it.  Yet, I dropped out of the computer engineering program in my first year.  Something’s wrong there.

Anyway, those are some of my thoughts about the scenario.  I think I will dedicate an entry on genderverse to that topic.  To sum up, I had fun at the code camp and had a lot of energizing conversations about computer science.  Yes, again, I know I am a nerd.  Stop sending me emails telling me that.  I know already.  Thanks.

Halloween was fun.  Chris and I handed out candy to the kids.  We didn’t get as many as we thought we would, but it was still a good time.  That evening, we dressed up and went to Scooters, the gay bar in town, and had a good time.  Chris put the most effort into his costume.  He sewed together two suits, did up some crazy face makeup, and went as two-face.  He got a lot of compliments.  I went with an old standard.  I was “Generic Sith Lord #2″, which is the same outfit I wore at my brother in-law’s 30th birthday party a year or two ago.  We had fun.

Money has been tight tight tight lately.  I had a difficult October, and I blame the fact that my student loans came due.  I may have to put them off another six months until I get some of my other debt paid off.  It shocks me that even though I’m making better money than I was in Milwaukee, and my costs of living are lower, I’m still only scraping by.  I guess I can’t complain though.  I have a job and I have food.  I guess it’s a good thing I’m not dating.  I couldn’t afford it if I was.  I do certainly hope that there will be a time soon that I don’t feel poor.

Question of the blog:  What are your suggestions for Genderverse?  What was the best costume you saw this Halloween?

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Posted in Goals, LGBT, Money, Transgender, family, friends | 2 Comments »

Back in the swing of things

October 14th, 2009

I went from a boring two week spell to a really friggin exciting two week spell!  That means I have interesting stuff to talk about.  How exciting is that?!  (suddenly erupts a smattering of golf claps)  Yes, yes, I’m sure you were all depressed after my last post and were hoping for a bounce back.  And you got it!

So, where to begin… On October 3rd, I went to a party.  I really wasn’t sure how it was going to go.  I had a feeling I wouldn’t know many of the people there. The party was for a friend of mine, Brian Hogan (@bphogan / @ecruby).  He apparently has a party every year like this for his birthday.  Sure enough, when I got there, he was really the only person I knew.  I felt really awkward and uncomfortable.  After about an hour, suddenly that all changed.  I was playing with my phone (like I usually do ’cause I’m an addict), and I hear this “Hey stranger, fancy seeing you here.”  I turn and it’s an old friend of mine, Jon, that I worked with at the help desk back at UWEC when I was a student.  I hadn’t seen him in almost four years.  At that point, the party became awesometastic.  Jon and I caught up for a while.  He even told me that I was his favorite person at the help desk (likewise, Jon).  We always had good times.

After that I came out of my shell and had a lot of fun.  I played Rock Band, chatted it up with people I didn’t know, and ended up staying until 3:00 in the morning.  I didn’t get to bed until about 4:00 am.  Not bad at all considering I wasn’t sure what to expect.  As it turns out (and I shouldn’t be surprised), I mix in well with Brian’s friends.  In fact, there was an interesting dichotomy going on.  There were the geeky programmers, and there were the people the geeky programmers brought with.  I mix well with both.  I spent about half the time chatting with the geeks and the other half chatting with the non-geeks.  I think it was a perfect blend.  I’ve been added to the official invite list for the coming holiday party too.  I look forward to it.

I did some shopping that weekend and finally found a copy of Dragonball season 1.  It was recently released on DVD as a digital remaster and uncut version.  I was a big fan of Dragonball Z maybe 9 years ago.  I never saw Dragonball, and after seeing the live action movie, even though it wasn’t great, I just had a sense of nostalgia.  Combine that with Josh, my sort of second roommate, also being into the show, I decided to get DB on DVD when it was released.  Josh and I have been watching it together ever since.  Wow…I never knew Dragonball was such a sexual / potty humor show.  Goku has never met or seen a girl when the series begins.  There’s a whole bunch of scenes where Goku is patting people on the crotch going “You’re a girl too!” or “Yup, you’re a boy!”.  I thought that was incredibly interesting.  The show is progressing very slowly, but that’s no surprise considering the series runs some 150 episodes long, and that’s just Dragonball…then comes Dragonball Z which is 250 some more episodes.  It’s been fun to bond with Josh with the show.  I’ll post more thoughts as the show progresses.

As I mentioned in the last post, Chris’s 30th was coming up, and I made sure to buy awesome gifts.  I went online to wbshop.com and looked through the Harry Potter selection.  I got him the Monster book of Monsters plush, “I solemnly swear I’m up to no good / Mischief Managed” transforming coffee mug, and the Dumbledore’s Army messenger bag.  Admittedly I spent too much because after that, I went out and bought party favors.  I probably dropped 125 dollars on his birthday, but I wanted it to be a good one.  It was, but I did put myself at a bit of a financial risk in doing so. Whatever, it was worth it.  For Chris’ birthday, we went to Manny’s Mexican seafood restaurant, which is Chris’ favorite.  It’s pricey at about $18 a plate average.  Still, it’s very good food.

I actually didn’t get to enjoy the food because for some reason service was a little slow that night.  Also that night were the board elections at the LGBT community center of the Chippewa Valley.  Since I was running, I had to be there in order to get elected.  I didn’t want to lose out on an opportunity to make a difference in the community, and Chris knew how important it was to me.  So he was ok with me disappearing for an hour or so to go to elections.  Unfortunately, despite our 6:00 pm reservations at the restaurant, the food wasn’t placed in front of us until 7:25.  I needed to leave around 7:30.  I ended up scarfing down a few bites, having it boxed up, paying and leaving.  I got to enjoy the company of Chris and friends, but not the food.  Oh well.

I got to elections, and started chatting with some people before the annual meeting started.  The program started, and the three of us that were running were given two minutes to give a presentation about who we were and what we wanted to do.  We all gave our 2 minutes and then came voting time.  It went pretty quickly.  At the end, announcements were made that I was one of the two elected to the board!  Hooray!  We then had a quick meeting of the board members to discuss some logistics, like when we’d have board meetings and who wants to be what on the board.  I ended up getting nominated and elected the Vice President.  That was unexpected to be sure!  I’m pretty thrilled though.  It feels good to be involved again.  Plus, it’s good experience for when I get my non-profit up and running too.

Back to the party, we had a great time.  We played a bunch of games, like Pit, the game of Pride, and an inflatable Penis battle game called “Cock Fight”.  Chris loved the gifts, and in fact, he’s said several times since the party that it was the best Birthday he’s ever had.  The group of us were up playing games and chatting until past 2:00 am, which is quite late for Chris.  What was shocking is that it felt like it was maybe 10:30 pm when we saw what time it actually was.  Once we noticed that, it was like we were all collectively hit by bricks.  Everyone was just exhausted.  What a great night though!

Sunday, we followed up our great party with a great Pumpkin carving night.  We had four pumpkins to carve, and they turned out fantastic.  I’ll post a bunch of pictures of the events along with this post so you can see them.  We ended up with six cups of pumpkin seeds to roast.  I took care of that and made some wonderful seeds that all of us are trying to moderate our intake of lest we gorge ourselves with them.  I used sea salts, butter, olive oil, and a spice called “Butt Rub”, which I got at a place called “Elegant Farmer” in Mukwonago, Wisconsin.  It was a great mix.  I highly suggest it.

Monday was another rush of a day.  Monday evening was my first trip back to Womens studies 301 with Professor Audrey Fessler, who is a very good friend of mine.  When I was in college, I used to lecture her Monday night class every semester.  Since I moved home, that opportunity all but disappeared.  Now that I’m back in town, she asked me to return, and I was excited to do so.  It was a 2 hour lecture to about 30 students.  It was a great group! They were a little timid with questions, and sometimes that happens.  I did a few things I don’t normally do with my presentations, like group activities.  I could definitely tell I was a little rusty, but overall it was a success.  I still have students’ questions to respond to via email.  I really want to make sure I address them all.

To add to all of those goings on, I also got hit with freelance work last week.  So the stress has been on me.  I still have one video to complete, which should happen tomorrow night.  I’m looking forward to next Tuesday evening, when all the stress is gone.  Speaking of Tuesday, I have another UWEC appearance coming up next week.  As mentioned a few posts back, I’ll be giving a forum on Tuesday, October 20th at 7:00 in the Arrowhead room of the Davies Center.  If you’re going to be in the area, stop on in and have a listen.  It should be fun.

This weekend will be a nice oasis in the middle of the sea of stress I’ve had lately.  A bunch of my lady friends from Milwaukee were a little disappointed that I couldn’t make it to Barcamp Milwaukee back on the first weekend in October.  So I suggested that I come down and visit sometime soon.  We could throw a little shindig.  So we are.  This weekend is geeky lady shindig.  I’ll be heading out Friday for some exciting geek fun with the girls.  So I guess you can look forward to my next post talking about that excitement.

So, question of the blog:  Are you a fall person?  What’s your favorite thing about fall?

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Posted in Freelance, LGBT, Money, photography | 1 Comment »

Seven years of Jessica

October 1st, 2009

It’s hard to believe, today marks the 7th year of my blog.  On October 1st, 2002, I started my blog, then called my diary, on TransLife.net, which is now a mostly unused site that is in desperate need of a rebuild.  Things certainly have changed in all that time.  It’s hard to believe I began my transition so long ago now.  At 28, I’ve almost lived a third of my life as a woman.

Lately Chris and I have been watching How I Met Your Mother (which is an awesome show by the way), and it has such a strong sense of nostalgia.  Today I feel that nostalgia.  I’ve put a lot of energy into telling my story over the years.  It’s had its ups and downs.  It’s gotten me in trouble.  It’s gotten me notoriety.  I know it’s had an impact on people, because I hear from those people on an almost daily basis.  That makes me feel good.  It by far outweighs any negatives…hands down.

I started this blog with the intention of sharing my story with the world. I wanted to be an example to other trans folk that are too scared of what might happen to them if they came out.  I wanted to help educate the world on trans issues.  Most of all, I wanted to show the world that people who are trans aren’t freaks.  We’re every day people with every day lives that are just like everyone else’s.  I think I can say I accomplished a lot towards those goals.

Over the past seven years, this blog has become more than that collection of goals for me.  This blog truly helps me understand myself better.  It helps me in a very cathartic way too.  I feel like once I’ve written about an issue I have in my personal life, I can almost let that issue go finally.  It helps me get things off my chest.  I truly feel like I’ve become a better person because I’ve written this blog.

It’s a great feeling knowing that I’ve been able to do all of the aforementioned stuff just from a silly thing like a weblog.  OK…I think I’m done with both reflecting on things and patting myself on the back. On to new stuff…

Not much happened since the post on the 15th.  I caught a cold.  That’s been fun.  I’m still recovering.  Let me tell you…I am quite sick of mucus.  I’ve gone through at least three boxes of kleenex.  All things considered, though, it hasn’t been a terrible cold.  It was mainly a head cold.  Lots of congestion, though my ears never did that whole “one ear has different pressure than the other” thing.  Thank god…I hate that.  I’ve just had a raw, runny, drippy nose.

Oh…some progress on this site!  I finished my bio. You should go check it out.  It has fancy lightboxes for the photo displays.  I think I’ll tackle the speaker page next.  I’ve been thinking about speaker fees.  I want to get that online pretty soon.  After that, I’ll tackle the photo gallery / media section.  I’m trying to figure out how to use Ruby to build an xml feed for my photo gallery.  That may take a bit yet.

I’m excited about a shindig that’s planned with some of my Milwaukee friends.  We’re having a geeky lady shindig in a few weeks.  It’s going to be fun, exciting, and nerdy all at the same time.  I’m sure I’ll write about it in an upcoming post.

Chris’ 30th birthday is just over a week away.  About a year ago, I decided I wanted to throw him a surprise party.  That kinda got spoiled when he decided he wanted a superhero costume party instead.  Well and now that’s probably not happening either.  Instead we’re going out to eat.  Amazing how things change.  I’m looking forward to it.

There is a small hang up though.  That same evening is the LGBT Community Center’s annual meeting, which I have to be present at to get elected to the board.  I’ve officially filled out the paperwork and so forth to run for the board.  I talked to the president about the situation, and apparently I definitely have to be physically present at the meeting at least for a portion of it.  So, I’ve worked it out with Chris so that I can disappear for an hour to get elected.  I think it’ll work out just fine.

Money’s been a bit tight this past week.  I have my phone to blame for that.  The bill for the fancy Android powered phone finally came due this month.  I had stored away money for it, but even so, it made things a bit challenging.  I made it through ok though.  That’s really the last big out of budget expense I have. So it should be smooth sailing from here.  That’s a good feeling.  Speaking of good feelings, I also should be getting my health insurance cards any day now.

That’s pretty much it for me.  This is the calm before the storm.  This month is going to be stressful.  I have two speaking gigs, elections, post-elections, party, halloween, best friend birthday, and of course…work.  I hope I have some down time in the coming weeks too.  I guess its good that I’m sick now instead of later.

Wow…a post shorter than 1000 words.  I can’t remember when the last post was this short.  Oh, before I forget…Question of the blog:  Chris an I are of the mindset that turning 30 will be great and that our 30s will be our best years.  Are you looking forward to your 30s? / Were your 30s awesometastic or craptacular?

Tune in next time for more excitement!

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Posted in LGBT, Personal Growth, Transgender, history, sick | 2 Comments »

Batmantastic

September 15th, 2009

I’ve had a Batman infusion the past few weeks.  Batman: Arkham Asylum  was released for all the video game systems out there, and I got a copy.  I’ve been grappling around the Gotham nut house kicking some crazy ass for the past week or so.  What a fun game!  I’m a bit addicted…and as usual…quite the nerd. Ha!

So…what’s new with me.  Well, today I became an official card carrying member of the LGBT community center of the Chippewa Valley.  I also turned in my application to be a member of the board.  I’ve been feeling the need to be doing more.  I’ve stopped freelance, and that’s been great.  I’m no longer feeling the pressure of having deadlines and getting projects done during my nights.  Instead I’m free to do what I want.  Now I can start to do more for the community…well…more than I already do.

I ran into a friend at the center, and she informed me that the youth group I used to facilitate for is starting up again.  She asked me if I’d be willing to facilitate again.  She flat out told me I’d be perfect.  I was excited about the idea, and I can honestly say I’ve missed doing it.  At the same time, I found myself thinking about some of the things I’ve been working on lately.  One of those things is that I have an ego and am a bit self centered.  To me that seems so contraditctory to her statement of me being perfect for it.  At the same time, I’m feeling that this is just what I need.  I need to spend time listening to others and forgetting about my own problems.  So yeah, I’m all about it.  PLUS, she knows how to do metalworking.  Upon me sharing that I want to learn, she was all about teaching me.  I’d say that’s a win win right there.

Speaking of personal issues to work through, yesterday I discovered another facet of myself that I’m quite ashamed of.  I’m a jealous person.  I came home from a great day at work.  I seriously felt energized and excited about my job…so much so that I almost forgot to go home.  When I got home, I saw my roommate’s boy’s car in the driveway.  Two things ran through my head, one being how annoying I thought he was the last time I hung out with him, and two…that I was so jealous of Chris for having a life.

That’s being harsh.  I just talked about running for the board and so on. So clearly I have a life, but since I’ve moved back here, I haven’t really connected with a lot of people.  That’s my own fault, and besides, it takes time.  Chris has been here for years, and of course he has plenty of people to do stuff with.  I felt lonely and so jealous that I even got angry at stupid things that happened.  I didn’t even realize why I was upset until later in the evening.  When I did, I was so ashamed of myself that I almost broke down in tears right then.

Chris and his boy were not actually home right away, and when they did get home, I holed up in the family room and watched some Dark Knight special features to distract myself.  I didn’t talk to Chris much more than a little bit.  He was willing to give me space, which I appreciate.  I ended up letting my feelings out later on in the evening after Chris went to sleep.

Today I told Chris how I felt and how ashamed I was.  He shared with me stories of his own experiences with jealousy and his similar feelings of shame.  It helped a lot to hear that and to know that we both have the same issue.  I know it’ll get better too.  After going to the community center today, and connecting with some great people, I already feel so much better.  I think now that I know what’s going on, I’ll be able to cope with it easier.

Enough of this down talk!  Let’s talk about something fun and exciting. :)   Friday night I went to the LGBT Community Center (again…wait…it was the first time going…ah whatever).  I had gone to pick up a board application, and I had no intention of staying long.  My friend Anne was there, and we started chatting.  It was fun.  Then, a pretty lady walked in that I’d never seen before.  She joined the conversation and it was a lot of fun.  Quickly the time disappeared, and it was 10:00…when the center was closing for the night.  Anne, the lovely lady, and I decided to go to Scooters, the local gay bar.

We talked at Scooters for a while, and after about 45 minutes, Anne decided to head home.  This pretty lady and I chatted for a while, one of her friends showed up, and it was about quarter to one in the morning when we all decided to head out.  Time flies when you’re having fun.  She and I exchanged numbers, and I’m sure we’ll talk or go to coffee soon.  What a crazy, random happenstance meeting someone like that.  I’m all about it.

In other news, I’ve been thinking a lot about Genderverse, the podcast, and where I’d like to go with my activism.  I’ve been considering the idea of making Genderverse a kind of gender news / commentary portal that I write articles for and serve as editor.  I think it’d be neat to critique the media, entertainment industry, and so on, in a fun and humorous way.  I think it’d be a great way to engage the world in talking about gender.  Now…do I write software for it or use something like Wordpress?  That one I haven’t figured out yet.  I’m definitely going to need a content management system, and I don’t want to use Joomla or other ones out there.  If you have suggestions, please share them.  I’d appreciate it.

I also sat down with Audrey, my favorite college professor, and we discussed a few things.  I’ll be speaking in her class again, much like I did when I was in college.  I also asked her to help me with the process of writing my book.  I showed her the outline I’m working on, and she liked it.  It needs a bit of revising and organizing, which I need to sit down and spend some time with, but otherwise, it’s coming along well.  That’s good to hear.  She is excited to see where it goes, as am I.

I went to the Ren Faire about two weeks back.  It was a blast.  I spent a little too much money, but all in all, I did stay mostly in my budget.  I’m proud of that.  I’ve been sticking to it every since I started using Mint.com (and I’m a little bit upset that Intuit is buying that company cause I know they’re going to ruin it).  Anyway, I dressed in the same dress I wore to the SCA event about 10 months ago.  You can see photos of it if you go back in the blog archives.  I also put on elf ears.  As usual, if you want attention at the Ren Faire, wear elf ears.  I had so many people staring, asking questions, and taking photos.  The creepiest one was an older bald man asking to chew on them.  Aside from that, it was great.  I always love the Ren Faire.

Speaking of the Faire, I found out the Chippewa Falls Ren Faire will be back up and running next year.  I’m really happy to hear that.  I’m considering volunteering.  I’d love to participate more in such a fun event.  Then I’d get to be the creepy person working at the faire.  Hehe.  I may actually make a new dress for it.  I have plenty of time though…doesn’t start til next summer.

So…question of the blog:  What stories do you have of jealousy in your life?

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Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

High School Memories

August 30th, 2009

I’ve had a crazy busy few weeks with a lot of things going on.  I’m assuming that this post will be another 1000 plus word post.  You’d be disappointed if that wasn’t the case, right?

Wedding

We’ll start by jumping back a few weeks.  I went to my former coworker’s wedding a couple weeks ago.  It was in the Milwaukee area, and I knew there would be some discomfort involved.  I knew I’d see my former boss.  I was right too.  It was a bit awkward, but I made it through ok.  I don’t know if I mentioned, but the entirety of the old department was shut down.  So I’m literally the only person in the old department with a job now.  Amazing how things change.

Anyway, the wedding was lovely, and it went smooth as silk.  It was hot as hell outside, and I was thankful everything was indoors.  I’m really proud of Ben and Sarah.  They really are two geeks in a pod.  I managed to successfully avoid dancing, as well as avoid my former boss most of the night.  The big plus was that I made some new friends.  I was put at the Sci Fi geek table, and that ended up being a great experience.  I connected really well with the group at the table.  In fact, we connected so well that I was invited to hang with them afterwards.  I ended up heading to their hotel where we chatted until around 11:30 in the evening.  If any of you are reading this, it was awesome hanging and getting to know you!

The rest of the weekend disappeared quickly.  My parents wanted me to go get some shoes and a car battery, which was not really on my priority list, but whatever.  It’s always fun to shop with my mother.  The drive back to Chippewa was a smooth one.  It was cooler, so the lack of A/C in my car wasn’t a huge suck fest.  It was a good weekend overall.

Breakfast Chats

One of the best experiences I have every time I visit my parents are the morning chats at the breakfast table.  After we eat, it’s usually coffee and conversation.  This particular day my parents brought up the health care debate, and I was witness to them being profoundly impacted by the fear mongering that Fox News has perpetuated.  My dad was all up in arms about death panels, and both my parents were all like “It’s written in the bill”.  I had to explain what the actual truth was about the situation, that there were no death panels written, and that there was no solid bill yet.  Nothing had been decided.  It was a lively conversation to be sure.  The scary thing was listening to my father call Obama a Nazi.  I don’t think he understands where that comes from.  As Jon Stewart has put it, I don’t think Nazi’s were ever known for their health care reform plans.  This calling this President a nazi is about as ridiculous as they come.  Anyway, I just thought that was interesting.  It just really surprises me that my parents are so prone to what they’ve been told by the media vs what’s actually true.  Does anyone do their research about the issues anymore?

High School Reunion

Last weekend was my 10 year high school reunion, and it was an interesting experience.  I had no intention of missing the reunion.  Chris was willing to be my date for the event.  So we headed down on Friday.  It took place on Saturday, the 22nd of August at Nagawaukee Park in Delafield.  We got there about 1:00 in the afternoon.

It wasn’t what people usually picture for reunions.  It took place outside at a park pavilion instead of a bar.  We had a pig roast, which was quite delicious.  There weren’t a ton of people there.  My graduating class had about 240 people in it.  About 40 people came to the reunion.  That included spouses and dates.  So turnout was low, but from what I hear, that’s average for a reunion.

Arriving was the awkward part…everyone wondering who I was at first.  The organizers knew, and they gave me a big hug.  I think no one really knew what to say to me.  I didn’t really know what to say back.  So there was a lot of avoiding going on at first, but once everyone realized I don’t bite, there were no problems.

It was actually quite a bit of fun.  I reconnected with a lot of people, and most of them were the people I didn’t expect to connect with.  There were competition things going on, none of which applied to me.  They were things like longest marriage, most kids, most recent kid, shortest and longest distance travelled, etc.  I would have put my name down for distance, but before I got there, I was already beaten.  As a joke, I decided to put my name down for “Looks most like high school photo”.  :)

Everyone seemed to think that Chris went to high school with them.  He apparently looked very familiar.  He also said that some of the people looked familiar too.  Not sure why that was, but whatever.  I ended up taking photos at the suggestion of one of my classmates.  They turned out nice too.

The awards were given out later in the evening after dinner.  The prizes were really funny.  The person with the most kids got a box of condoms.  The person that traveled the most got a travel kit, and the person that traveled the shortest also got a travel kit with the stipulation that they had to get out of town.  Ha!  Then came the award for looks most like the photo from high school.  The organizers said that they should have taken a vote, but decided to go the other way.  I won!  Everyone cheered.  It was great.

I guess that moment says a lot about how well I was received by my former classmates.  What a great time.  I’m so glad I went.  Makes me a little nostalgic and a little sad though.  I feel like this was the first time they ever got to really meet me despite all that time in grade school.  I had a blast hanging with them, and it makes me wonder what things would have been like had I been my true self in high school.  Would I have made more friends, been more a part of the “popular crowd”? Maybe it’s not worth dwelling on the coulda, woulda, shouldas.  Regardless, I’ll never forget my high school reunion.  Thanks to everyone for making it wonderful.

Love and Loneliness

Chris has found a relationship.  It’s not with the guy I wrote about in past posts either.  It was a random date that turned into something wonderful.  It’s with an old flame, and I’m really happy for him.

No surprise, it makes me think about my love life…or my lack of one.  It’s almost September, which means in a couple more months, I’ll have been single for a year.  I know that deep down, I’m craving for another relationship, but my rational brain is telling me otherwise.

If you didn’t notice in my last post, I’ve got a lot of crap I’m working on right now.  I feel like in a lot of ways, I am really not ready for anything in the love area.  Heck, I don’t even go out with friends that often, let alone with a love interest.  It’s taking a lot of energy to work on these issues, and that’s energy I don’t know if I can continue putting into it if I was also dating someone.

That being said…damn it’s hard to watch Chris be so happy and go off with his new boy.  I’m suffering from empty nest tonight, and while it’s nice to have the house to myself, I actually feel more alone tonight than I have in a while.  It would be nice to have someone to be close to myself.  I’m on Yahoo Personals, but unfortunately all the responses I’ve been getting are from people that live at a minimum of 2 hours away.  Maybe it’s worth the drive…

This loneliness combined with my focus at my job has had me listening to a lot of music lately.  I’ve had a song stuck in my head.  It was written by James Newton Howard, a favorite of mine, for the film “Lady in the Water” and is entiteled “The Great Eatlon”.  It’s a beautiful piece that gives me chills when I listen to it.  Then towards the end, the tone changes, and I get tears.  It’s beautiful.  I’ve been playing it a lot…so much that it’s stuck in my head.  If you get a chance, listen to it.

Speaking of Books

Tomorrow I have plans to have my good friend Audrey over for dinner.  I’ve been terrible on following up on the plans because this week just disappeared.  So hopefully those plans are still on.  We were going to discuss plans to have me lecture to her class as well as my book outline.  I’ve asked her for assistance in writing the book.  I think it’s the right time.  She’s agreed to help out as much as she can.  Here’s hoping it moves forward successfully.

Oh, I have to mention that in my previous post, I said that I’m presenting a forum on October 22nd.  That’s actually incorrect.  It’s going to be on October 20th, which is a Tuesday. If you’re in the Chippewa Valley, you should come.

Questions of the blog:  What was your high school reunion like OR do you look forward to your reunion?

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Posted in Love, Personal Growth, family, friends | 4 Comments »

Humble Pie

August 10th, 2009

Almost 9 months ago now, my ex girlfriend broke up with me and served me a nice, cold dish of humble pie.  I hadn’t been blogging much prior to that for at least a year, and what she told me really prompted me to start again.  She told me I had ego issues.  She was right.  Since then, I’ve been doing what I can to work on that.  I’m proud to say things have gotten better, but we’re always a work in progress, right?  This weekend, I finally admitted to myself that I have a few other issues.  I’m selfish and I always have to be right about everything.

I’m a perfectionist, and while some may value that, I’m starting not to.  That perfectionism plays into the whole “have to be right all the time” issue.  I have this inner need that comes out in a debate that I have to show the other person that my logic is right.  The worst is that it comes into play in the stupidest of arguments.  Chris and I will have debates over silly things like how to refer to this coming weekend versus next weekend.  It’s stuff not worth being pushy about or even wasting the time to debate it.  Yet, something inside me pushes on.  I think this need to be right plays into the ego / talk down to people issue that Jenn broke up with me over.  Maybe my ego isn’t as big as she thought…I just have to be right.

As far as my being selfish goes…it’s something I’ve been aware of for a long time, but I’ve been in denial of.  It came to a point this weekend when Chris asked me if I was ok with us watching a friend’s daughter for a few hours.  I said ok at first, but as time passed, I realized that my Saturday was now no longer mine.  I had wanted no responsibility this weekend and now I had to be there with this kid.  To top it off, I’m not much for babysitting to begin with.  I find myself awkward around children.  I’m just not used to them.  I was awkward around cats before I adopted Meat.  Anyway, so what it comes down to is I got upset with Chris because he ruined my weekend by offering to help someone else.  How dare he? right? As we were fighting, at one point I slapped my hand on my forehead wondering what my problem was.  I didn’t even know exactly why I was upset.  By the time we finished with the argument, I realized I was more mad at myself than I was at Chris.  I couldn’t believe I was being so selfish.  I was so ashamed.  I got in my car and drove while I started to cry a bit.  I realized I am what I never wanted to be…selfish, egotistical, and a bitch.

After I had that realization during the random driving, I gave Chris a call and apologized.  We talked a little and he was understanding as well as forgiving.  I’m so very lucky to have such a great friend.  I’ve been using some of my alone time this weekend to really think about things.  I interviewed my little sister years ago for the documentary I had intentions of making then.  She said that I was selfish and egotistical then.  I didn’t believe her.  I saw her as the selfish one.  Now I’m realizing that she was right.  I feel I owe her an apology, but at the same time, I’m not sure I’m ready to.  I’ve only just allowed myself to become aware of the issue.  Maybe I should spend some time working on the issues first.  Then agian, maybe now is the best time.  I don’t know.

So, a bit of personal growth for me this weekend.  These realizations told me a lot.  It tells me I’m unhappy with myself.  I see a pretty face in the mirror, but I know the person underneath isn’t who I want to be.  The good news is that with time, patience, and work, I know I can better myself.  The first step is admitting you have a problem.  So wish me luck in solving it.  Chris said to me that it’s unfortunate because now’s when I should be happy.  I just got settled in at a new location with a brand new, fantastic job.  Self struggle can happen at even the best of times, I guess.

Anyway, enough of this depressing talk, let’s talk about what else is going on.  Tonight I visited the LGBT Community Center of the Chippewa Valley.  They had a board meeting tonight, and in a month or two, they’ll be voting for new board members.  I’m going to run for membership of the board.  I really want to get actively involved in the community again, and this just seems like the right path for that.  It’s a great resource, and I think I can make a difference there.  I have skills that, from what it sounds, the center could really use right now.  They were happy to see me.  I know some of the members of the board from college.  So, it’s nice to be among friends.

On the front of giving back to the community, I was also asked to present a forum at UW Eau Claire on October 22nd.  It’ll probably run 2 hours or so.  It’ll be about trans issues, of course.  Specifically, they want me to relate the subject matter to my experiences at the University.  So it should be fun.  If you’re going to be in the area, and you’ve never heard me speak, come.  It’ll be a fun time.  It may not be the most exciting thing to do on a Tuesday night, but it’ll still be fun.

To add to all of that, my good friend at the University, Professor Fessler, has already asked me if I’d like to lecture her Monday night class at some point this fall.  Sounds like I’ll be a regular fixture in the syllabus.  That’s always exciting.  I miss speaking in her classes.  She always has such an interesting and energetic group of students.  I don’t think I’ve ever had a disappointing group.  I look forward to it.

There was a recent book published here in the Eau Claire area.  It was written by two parents with two gay children, and apparently it’s a wonderful read.  The two authors have been doing a lot of book signings and are planning on doing a few forums too.  So it’s exciting to have them here in this area and benefiting the world.  They’ve had me thinking about the book I’ve wanted to write for years.  I’m strongly considering talking to my Professor friend, and several others, about helping me get my book underway.  I have my outline, it’s just got to move on from there.  I’ll bring it up next time I talk to her.

Let’s see…what else is new.  Last weekend I helped my friend Adam move across town…in Madison, which is three hours away.  I also helped my friend Leia move as well.  It was a tiring weekend.  Then this weekend, Chris and I decided to move a bunch of stuff around in our house.  The guest room is now a guest room / den.  Since I’m not doing freelance anymore, there’s no need for a dedicated office.  So we’ve moved the futon up and moved my iMac as well.  Now we can relax and watch netflix or Hulu from a comfy futon.  We also have an old school analog TV with a VCR (remember those?) and a super Nintendo.  We’re considering putting a Dreamcast there too.  So, it’s exciting.  In fact, I’m in the Den right now typing this blog entry.

I got my new Android phone that was burning a hole in my pocket.  That has been a lot of fun.  So far, it hasn’t disappointed at all.  I’m loving it.  I’m glad I didn’t switch providers just for the iPhone.  I’m actually considering being even more nerdy and developing an app or two for the phone.  I think it’d be hilarious to have a rotary phone dialer on there.  Plus, my friend Tracy’s last name is Apps.  I think it’d be so much fun to develop two apps called “Tracy”.  That way there would be the “Tracy” Apps.  Seriously though, I do want to develop something for the phone.  I just need a solid idea, other than the rotary dialer.  What do you think I should develop?

Chris and I held “bad movie night” just over a week ago.  We watched Street Fighter: the Legend of Chun Li and Dragonball: Evolution.  I’ve seen Dragonball before, and I have to say, it has really grown on me.  It’s not nearly as bad as I remember it.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a great movie by any means, but it’s got a coherent story, captures the spirit of the anime, and is actually pretty fun to watch.  Street Fighter, however, was complete garbage.  There was no real redeeming factor to the film at all.  The plot is laughably bad and has no real solid footing at all.  The acting is gag-able.  The effects are cheezy, fighting is bad, and really…there’s no reason to see the film unless you want to make fun of it.  If you truly want to watch a terrible film, see it.  It’s that bad.  We had a blast watching it.

The job is still going exceedingly well.  I love it so far.  I’m starting to feel like I fit in, and it’s not quite feeling like I’m just filling in for someone for a few weeks.  This move was certainly a great thing.  Now that I have a job and am feeling a bit of security, I was able to fix my car too.  So, while the air conditioning is still broken, at least the tie rod is not going to fail on me while driving.

There’s a lot happening in this post, but the question of the post is easy:  What was your experience getting a slice of humble pie?

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Posted in LGBT, Movie Review, Personal Growth, Random, friends, work | 2 Comments »

Stable Ground

July 20th, 2009

I guess I should begin this post with a simple update on the news from the last post.  I got the results from the hearing.  It was resolved in the company’s favor, but I didn’t have to repay anything.  In the end it was moot due to the new job scenario, but still…I would have preferred to win.  I understand why the judge ruled the way that it was ruled.  I mentioned the unfairness built into the situation due to my being unemployed and my opponent being a large corporation with a legal department.  I also made a point not to talk about my being taken advantage of at my former employer.  I didn’t want to seem like a huge whiner.  I know I did the right thing, and I stood up for it.  I will always have my dignity there.  I have no respect for my former employer though.  I will forever use them as a baseline for how to mistreat employees.  I was always told that you hate your first job or that your first job is always shit.  Now I know that from experience.  All that being said…the case is closed.  I’m officially done with them.  Time to move on and never look back.

On to brighter and happier subjects.  I have a job.  As of Thursday, I am officially full time employed.  I love what I do and I love who I work for.  I’m a developer now, and I still get opportunities for video work.  I really like my coworkers, and so far, I’ve felt stimulated and challenged by my work on a daily basis.  I enjoy going in, and I don’t feel like I have to rush out the door at the end of the day.  It’s wonderful, and I have faith that it will stay that way.  Life is good.  Wow…haven’t said that in a long time, right?

In other news, this past Wednesday was Scarlet’s birthday.  Scarlet is my orange kitty.  Yes, I know…I’m writing about my cat.  I’m lame.  Still, I’ve never had a pet from kitty or puppy age before.  So it’s a new and fun experience.  Bonding with a kitten is so different than bonding with a grown adult kitty.  So I had to celebrate a little bit.  We have so many catnip toys now.  Plus, I stocked up on lasers and treats too.  No party hats…this time.  Maybe next year.  :)

In other cat news, we’ve solved the Serenity peeing problem.  I did a little digging…no pun intended…and discovered that some declawed cats have sensitive paws.  It may actually hurt her to dig her paws into the standard kitty litter.  She may be associating pain with using the box.  So instead of a protest, like we initially thought, it could be a physical thing.  Serenity was declawed about the age of 2, and it may not have been done well.  We picked up some Yesterday’s News litter, which is recommended for cats that have just been declawed.  As soon as we put that out, she started using it all the time.  So it turns out that it probably was the pain issue.  It’s been over a week now, and so far so good.  No peeing on the floor anymore.   I have faith things will stay that way.

I hate to say it, but the idea of getting a new phone has been burning a hole in my pocket.  I’ve been going back and forth between iPhone and Android phone for a while.  I finally decided.  It came down to financial reasons.  To get an iPhone, I’d have to break contract on two lines with T-Mobile before I’d even be getting the iPhone itself.  So we’d be looking at like…700 bycks.  Plus, I really like my T-Mo plan.  So, I opted for the new myTouch 3G which comes out in August about the time 3G speed rolls out in my area.  I’m excited and am geeking out about it a bit.  Sorry if I blab on too much about it.  Oh look at that, I already have…again…sorry.

Jumping back in time just over a week…my parents came up to visit.  On top of that, Chris’ parents also came up to visit.  It was one full weekend, let me tell ya.  My mother is allergic to cats.  So my parents stayed at a hotel down the street.  Chris’ parents stayed here in the house.  Both pairs of parents wanted to go to the Northern Wisconsin State Fair, which just so happens to take place in my current town.

Now, the Official State Fair takes place in West Allis, WI, which is near Miller Park in Milwaukee.  It goes on for 10 days and has a pretty large permanent grounds.  My family figured that since the Northern Wisconsin one also bears the state fair name, it was going to be just as big.  That’s not actually the case.  As it happens, the NWSF is about the size of a decent sized county fair.  I found out about this maybe two days before they came.  So I had to come up with other things to do since we likely wouldn’t spend the whole time at the fair.

Instead we went to Irvine Park, which is adjacent to the fair grounds.  It’s also home to the local zoo.  That turned out to be a blast.  While the park isn’t as large as the Milwaukee Zoo, it does a lot of things right with the open, large natural habitats and beautiful surroundings.  It felt like a state park, and since my family spent a lot of time camping during my youth, we felt like we were at home.  My parents loved it.  The fair was enjoyable, but it didn’t compare to Irvine Park.

The weekend was a success.  My parents had a blast.  So did Chris’ parents.  I know mine are excited to come and visit again.  That makes me thrilled.  :)   They headed home Sunday morning.  I spent the rest of Sunday shopping for work clothes.  All in all, it was a very successful weekend.  It was also a very draining one.  I slept like a rock Sunday night.

Jumping forward to this past weekend…it was a much more relaxing one.  We went to see two movies.  We saw Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince on Saturday and Angels and Demons in the budget theater on Sunday.  I have to say…going to movies in the theater is less and less appealing these days.  In the Harry Potter showing, there was a blown subwoofer, the projector lens was dirty…enough that it was terribly distracting, and there was an infant in a carrier in the theater.  Why do people bring their 3 month old children to movies that could easily make them cry and ruin the movie for the rest of the film goers?  I never understood that.

Harry Potter was great.  It was very dramatic.  Less magic…more character.  It was a little anti-climactic due to the lack of a giant magic fight, but nevertheless, I enjoyed it.  Angels and Demons was ok.  The book was better.  The audio was terrible at the budget.  The center channel was so quiet that we couldn’t hear most of the first part of the film.  I really think seeing movies at home is much better nowadays.

I’ve been thinking about how I’m going to make the Wonder Woman costume as a whole.  I’ve been looking for patterns that might work for it.  I’m thinking a corset design might work to get started.  I’m not sure otherwise.  In the meantime, to practice my sewing skills, I bought a pattern for a cloak.  I’ve always wanted a pretty velvet hooded cloak.  Now I’m going to make one.  It should be fun.

I’m really starting to realize how jaded I am about my love life.  I’m starting to feel so frustrated that I’m actually getting a little angry about it.  I’m so sick of being attracted to straight women.  I walked past a beautiful woman today and found myself just grumbling.  My finding love seems quite impossible. None of it has helped my self esteem.  I’ve been kind of at a low point because of it.   I feel ugly, like unwanted trash.  I think it’s making my mood overall go downhill.  I’ve been a bit bitchy lately, and I know Chris isn’t such a fan of me when I get like that.  I wonder how long it’ll be before I heal from all of this.

To help with that, I picked up some Valerian Root.  It comes from the planet Valeris…no it doesn’t, but it sure sounds like something from Star Trek, doesn’t it?  It’s supposed to help with anxiety, insomnia, and even help with IBS.  So I get benefit with at least two problems at once.  I figure maybe anxiety reduction might help me past the bitchiness.  We’ll see.

Lastly, before I end this 1500 word monster of a post, I’ve decided to start asking a question of the blog each post.  I think it’ll be fun.  This post’s question is:  what’s the worst job experience you’ve ever had?

I look forward to hearing all of your stories in the comments.  Thanks for reading!

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Posted in Employment, Movie Review, cats, family, work | 2 Comments »

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