Hey all,

Yeah, I know…I've been gone a long time. I've been pretty caught up in my job and the documentary. Things are going well. I'll write an update to give you all the details within the next three days. I can give you a teaser so you will be sure to come back. Single, Apartment, and big thoughts. Tune in soon for a large update.

~Jess

With everything that has happened lately, I've found myself
very introspective. I've started shooting a documentary. I submitted a poster
to research day for my research last summer. I've listened to family members
and friends talk about their experiences and feelings about me through my
transition. I've had to think deeply about certain concepts in my research. I've
also had to confront my own prejudices. And now… I find myself thinking "What
am I doing here?"

Why am I working for a realty support company writing home
show scripts and such when there are so many things that I need to be doing
that are so much more important. Not just important to me, but significantly
more important to the world and society at large. I have so much that needs to
be heard…that can truly help people understand gender and understand
themselves. Why am I not doing that?

I've come to the conclusion that I'm trapped in a lot of
ways. I, like many many people in this world, owe a lot of money to various
creditors and loans. School is really a bitch like that. So…without my current
level of income, I'm pretty darn screwed. So I have to work. I wish it weren't
so, but it is.

So that leads me to my next thought…is there a way of doing what
needs to be done and get a level of income I can survive off of. Certainly if
my documentary makes money, then I'll be fine. Or perhaps the book I've been on
the verge of starting could sell. But…the problem is that I won't see any of
that money for a long time yet. I'm still trapped now. What do I do?

Hooray! My computer is functioning again!! Now all I need to do is get the like-new laptop working! More on this later. For now it's sleepy time. G'night.

~Jess

The working world is fun, exciting, and mundane. I'm enjoying it so far. I think the time will come when I don't enjoy it so much, but right now I'm just happy to be employed. It's really nice to not have to worry about income so much anymore. Though, my parents keep throwing things at me that they think I should pay for. For example, they want me to sign for some life insurance, they think I should enroll in 401k too. All of these things are important, but my income per month drops effectively because of it. I am quickly seeing my monthly income move from ok to…hmmm…where'd my money go? I'm more concerned right now with paying my debt off than I am about my retirement.

Speaking of the life insurance policy, here's a little of trans related frustration. I have certain medical conditions that make life insurance difficult to get. For example, I have a kidney problem that is often not allowable under the companies out there. So finding any sort of coverage is difficult at best. They also don't like me being trans. Finally a plan was found that will cover me, but only under my birth sex. I looked at the information today, and every time I looked at the "Male" printed at the top, I got angry.

In the state I live in, my birth certificate can, and has already been changed to reflect my current gender. Social security says the same as my birth certificate. Legally in all respects I am considered female. So I don't understand how they can say I can't for the life of me understand how they can claim my birth sex as male, when all legal documents say otherwise. Furthermore, would a black person be willing to sign for a policy if it the insurer stated that they have to be insured as a white person? I mean really…I view this as discrimination in the insurance world. I don't think I'll take the policy because of it. It's a lack of respect for me and my community, and it's plain bullshit. I refuse to be called later on in life saying "This is so and so from such and such life insurance, can I please speak to Mr. Anderson?" and me having to go…this is HER!!!!! Fucking insurance company…

Let's see…other news…ah yes, one of the reaons I haven't gotten very far on fixing the site's problems is because of work exhaustion. I get home at 6:00 pmish and I just feel tanked as far as my energy goes. I get nothing done, including writing entries in here. I'm hoping that changes soon, but considering my parents energy… I doubt it will. So we'll see. I used to do so much, and I am going to make sure I can continue to do a lot.

One of my coworkers, Mikie, wants to make a film. I'm all upons that. I am looking to buy a several thousand dollar camera this summer to make said film. We're not sure exactly what the film will be about, but it'll be a fun project regardless. I'm looking forward to it, and to buying the camera. It may be expensive, but it'll be loads of fun to use all the time.

So far I've come out to three coworkers about my sexual orientation. One of those knows about my gender identity and such. It's kinda weird not having coworkers know. I'm not used to being "Stealth", and I'm not really interested in being stealth either. That being said, it hasn't come up. If it does come up, I'll be very open about it. No one's asked though. We'll see how it goes. I'll keep you all posted.

One of the things I'm contemplating doing for this site is a video podcast on a weekly basis. I think I want to discuss some issues of gender and talk about other gendered people. I think I'll view each week as a documentary of sorts. Chris and I want to do a full length documentary. I think that'll be a year long project too. I'm looking forward to that for sure.

Speaking of Chris, we've declared March 24th to be Blarthog. Blarthog is the Tamaranian festival of friendship. If anyone is a fan of Teen Titans, you'll know about this holiday. Starfire is an alien from the planet Tamaran. We're geeks…we know. It'll be fun though. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm making a three day weekend out of it. I'll post more about it with pictures and such later.

Well, it's shower time. I'll write more perhaps tomorrow, or hopefully later in the week. I had more to write, but I can't remember it right now. When it comes to me, I'll write more. See ya.

~J

It's two days past my birthday, and you can guess by the title what the surprise birthday present was. That's right…I have an awesome girlfriend. She got me a Nintendo Wii. I was pretty blown away. I guess I did spoil her on her birthday…but still I wasn't expecting the Nintendo. She and I have talked about getting one, but I never asked for it for my birthday from anyone. I thought it was basically too much money and too hard to get. I guess I was wrong.

Yeah I've already wasted several hours of my life on that thing. I only have Wii Sports…the game that comes with it, but golf, tennis, boxing, baseball, and bowling are still a lot of fun. I even got my dad to play with me. I even went out of my way to get a second Wiimote. So i can play two player games now. I have no reason to have a gamecube anymore. Anyone want it?

Anyway, moving backwards in time now…Valentine's day was nice. I was shocked around 10 am by a delivery man. He said…"Hello" while my back was turned. I turned around and he shoved a big box in my face from a flower shop followed by a "Here ya go". I was pretty flabbergasted. I opened them to find a dozen red roses with a red vase and chocolates. The card didn't have Tracy's name on it, but it was clearly from her. It just said "I love you. Happy Valentine's Day." on it. She told me later that she wasn't sure if she should put her name on it because I'm not out to my coworkers yet. I appreciated that. I will come out to them on my own time.

At the end of the day I went and picked up her present: A giant teddy bear and a lily, which happens to be her favorite flower. Yes…I know she spent more on me. I didn't have any money then. I hadn't gotten my first paycheck yet. Stop pestering me about it! ;P We went to see a movie too: Music and Lyrics. I have to say…it was quite good. I mean…film production wise, it doesn't really stand out. That's not the point though. As a movie, it was fun, well written, and just enjoyable to watch. Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore had such chemistry. We loved it. After that, we went and got some light dessert…which ended up being a salad instead of dessert. Oh well. She had to go to work after that. Over all….great night. Best Valentine's day ever for me and I think for her too.

Thursday was pretty uneventful. I did some editing on my cousin's video. Got a third of it done. Friday wasn't very exciting either. When I got home, my parents asked me if I wanted to see "Bridge to Teribithia" with them. I decided to go. I cried through half the film. It's a tear jerker. I had read the book when I was little…so I knew what to expect. Still…lots of tears. Great film and great movie. The kids in the film did a great job of acting. As usual Weta Workshop did a great job in special effects. It was a pretty solid translation of the book if my memory serves too. Highly recommended.

Saturday involved helping my sister move. I also did some more editing and my taxes. I've never hated doing taxes, because it always involves a return. Every year my return has gotten bigger. This year I'm getting over 1200 dollars back. That means I can fix my car and have some money left over to pay bills, like my web hosting bill. So that's nice. Money isn't so much of a worry anymore. I just hope I can make massive payments and get rid of my debt asap.

Sunday was my birthday. It was a good day. I relaxed most of the day. Dinner was big. My whole immediate family came over including my brother in law, my neice and my Tracy. We had a big steak dinner…which was nice. We had cheesecake for dessert. I opened presents. We all played a bit of Wii, and then everyone went their ways…be it home or to bed.

Monday was a paid holiday for me. That was nice. I took Kitty to the vet. He got two booster shots. He behaved very well. I didn't think it'd go so well, but it did. I came home and took apart my computer to bring to a client meeting. He wanted to see what I've done on the video…which is nothing. He's never given me a script despite my partner and I bugging him like crazy about it. He seems to want me to cut a video with no frame of reference. Cutting a video with no script is like building a house with no blueprints…or baking a cake without the ingredients list. He's got the idea now.

I went to class at night and it wasn't bad. I am pretty sure my teacher likes me. I take control of situations. I push through problems to see them fixed. I have a creative drive. A lot of people in the class don't. They do what they need to do, and that's it. I do more than I need to. Because of that, he's let me do some editing during class time. I'm the only person working ahead, and my idea is probably the best of any of my classmates. I met a couple random girls that aren't in the class, but are in the program. They thought my video was great. They also said the guys in the class are probably jealous that I'm kicking their butts.

Today was pretty uneventful. I went to work, wrote scripts, chatted with some coworkers, and was productive. I'm meshing with my coworkers even more. That's nice. They called me back today and I thought I had done something wrong. I rounded the corner to be greeted by "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!" That was a surprise. My job is full of surprises. I love it so far.

Well…this book should end I think. I've been writing too long. I'll continue this again soon…and keeping it a bit shorter too. G'night all.

~J

Hey all…sorry to disappoint, but I'm going to write the Valentine's day details Thursday night. I'm just too beat to write about it tonight. Thanks for stopping by though. Happy Vamlumtimes day to all of you.

~J

Today was loooooong. I woke up at 7:45 am and got home at 9:30 pm. I did get to stop in at home for a short time, but it was mainly just restless. I had to shovel the driveway and take care of some paperwork. Then I left early for my night class. The class is long…four hours. So my day just dragged on. I can't say that it was a bad day though. I learned that I really enjoy my coworkers. I think I fit in really well.

Class is great because I feel like a professional. This class is just what I needed. It's teaching me all of the technical stuff that I never learned because of my self-taught history. I know what Auto-Knee does on a video camera now. I know how to set a gamma curve. I can use a vectorscope now and understand it. I used to stare at these things and wonder what they did. So it's really nice.

I'm actually ahead of the game too. I have my homework shot already, and it's not due until March. I just have to cut it, which I'll do next week. It looks great. Chris came down to be an actor in my video, and he hammed it up. It's great. That's just what I wanted. The footage is great, but the audio may be a bit peaked. That's not so good, but I may be able to fix it. We'll see.

Oddly…I'm looking forward to work tomorrow. It'll be nice to get back into it. I say this now. Take note. I'm sure in six months or so, I'll be complaining in some way. Haha. We'll see.

This weekend was interesting. Tracy and I had a good time, but she was upset about something. I asked her and she didn't really want to talk about it too much other than to say that she's been self conscious lately. She said it was probably due to her period, but I think it's more than that. Later she opened up about it. She knows that she's not my ideal when it comes to femininity. That bothers her and makes her feel self conscious.

She's right. She's not my ideal. I am very attracted to girly girls. What can I say? But that doesn't mean that I don't love her or that I'm not attracted to her in many many ways. Those other feminine girls are not Tracy. And I told her that. I hope it helped her feel better, but I still think we're hitting a rough spot. I'm sure we'll get through it, but it'll be tough for a while.

And my one last excitement before I sign off and get to bed…the North American tour dates were released for Loreena McKennitt. As soon as I got the e-mail I prepurchased tickets. I'm sooo excited. I never get to see the musicians I love in concert. Now I will. It's going to be fantastic. OK…now I'm off to bed. G'night.

~J

Here's my list of things that need to get done on TransLife soon:

1. Fix layout for IE 6 and earlier
2. Terms and Conditions
3. port over the old diaries
4. GLC moved from old site
5. Links updated
6. About TransLife.net
7. Get the youtube plugin
8. get the privacy plugin
9. move over the multimedia from the old site
10. establish a help section
11. set up regular chat times
12. launch the new pronoun project
13. add more games
14. set up donation links
15. move to new server
16. Set up moderators
17. Contemplate new media like video podcasts and flash
18. get more video on here
19. Change forum skin
20. create new templates
21. Survey software for research
22. Fix forum signature by moving forum location

More as ideas develop.

~Jess

Hey all!!

I'm in a fantastic mood. My new job is awesome. I love my coworkers. Everyone has been so nice. I've met some really cool people so far. I like what I do too. It's a challenge, but it's a good one. I think it'll be really fulfilling. The schedule is flexible. I don't have to be exactly on time every day. That's great for me because I'm not always perfectly on schedule.

I'm also taking a Monday night class. So far so good there. I'm the only girl, and oddly…one of my classmates went to grade school with me. He has no idea who I am though. So that's interesting. I discovered that I'm very ahead of the game on a lot of things in that class. I'm just more of a leader and have made a lot of things happen that most college students don't attempt. The kids in the class seemed pretty surprised at my experience and skills…including the teacher. So that's great. I'll learn a lot of the technical stuff I didn't know. So this class will really cap things off for me at least in the technical area.

I've made some progress on the website too. I finally got legal information up, like Terms and Conditions and a Privacy Policy. They still need some revision and such, but at least there's something up there to protect me now. Slowly I'm moving along. The next important thing to do is to get a fix for the layout for IE6. I need to have the template detect the browser and adjust accordingly. Perhaps I'll ask a friend for some help there.

I'm pretty tired so I'll keep this short tonight. Things are looking good, and I'm happy. This is a new era for me. Onward and Upward! Good night all.

Love,
Jessica

I just had a beautiful yet incredibly sad dream. Frequently I have dreams that I am back in high school, that I'm missing class, or that I'm in band playing music. Usually I'm missing my music, or I can't get my trombone together in time and I get yelled at. This one was different. Now frequently my gender can change in my dreams. In fact, I'm not always myself in my dreams. Sometimes I'm someone else. In this dream, I was my old self back in 1999.

High School band for me was both incredibly fulfilling, but also scary at times. My band director had a bit of a temper and if you got on his bad side… look out. So I know I did what I could to avoid the bad side. I was lead trombone my senior year in the highest band. I was actually quite good. I had considered going to school for music for a while, but ultimately went for engineering instead (which I eventually moved away from). This dream took place during my senior year.

Oddly…when my dream started, band was already in progress. I put my trombone together, got my music and sat down to play. I dug out the music we were playing, but it seemed as if I hadn't been there in months. I was treated as if everyone knew me to be the lead trombone player, and that I had been gone, but it wasn't a big deal.

When I started to play, I had no idea where we were, and didn't play where I was supposed to. The whole band stopped and looked at me. I said "Sorry…I didn't know where we were. I've got it now." They say you can't read in dreams, but perhaps music is different, because I could read the notes. I remember seeing the name of the musical piece too. It began with an S, but that's all I remember. We continued to play again, and I played my part up until a particularly difficult riff with sixteenth notes. I messed it up and the band stopped again.

My director stepped off the podium and walked across to where I was sitting. He talked to me like he was very calm about it, knew I had been gone for a while, and it was no big deal. However, we had a concert this coming weekend, and it would be good if I could practice this certain area. I'd be fine then. He then asked me the time, and I told him. He said "Oh my it's that late already huh? I guess it's time to go. See ya this weekend." And everyone started packing up.

Then something happened. His daughter, who played the trumpet, ran up to him and gave him an enormous hug on the way out. And as I watched that moment, I realized that it's not 1999…it's 2007. My band director died a couple years ago, and his daughter was saying how much she missed him. Suddenly I was no longer myself from 1999 anymore, and I was myself today…in 2007. And I realized that I miss him too. I could no longer stand in my dream for the tears came on too strong. My head was on the floor as I cried.

I woke up shortly after that. It was such a powerful dream that I didn't want to forget. So I immediately wrote it down here. I hope you enjoy reading it. Thanks.

~Jess