I’ll start with the “and more” part. This past week has been very relaxing for the most part. I was wrong about the sinus infection…which makes me very happy. The cold is inches away from being completely gone. That basically means that my nose runs a little bit and I cough here and there. I can live with that for now.

The pain of this week was mainly my mother. She took me and my father shopping on Monday. That was a bad idea. I was still struggling with the cold, and my dad is not a shopper. The mall was packed. I was exhausted. I’m broke, and I feel guilty allowing my parents to buy me things when they’re broke too. All of these combined for a horrible experience. My mom decided she wanted to try on clothes. Normally I would be shopping and at least looking too, but I had absolutely no energy or desire. I ended up walking around the mall for a while and eventually practically falling asleep on a bench. I was so thankful to get home that night.

The next came the arguments about the potential job I could be getting at the University. My mother is saying that I shouldn’t take the job. Her argument is money. She doesn’t think that I’ll make enough money working full time on a salaried position to survive. She apparently thinks I’m better off right now in which I already know I can’t survive on less than $7 an hour working 20 hours a week at one job and $5.75 an hour working 10 hours a week on my other job. I scrape buy and have to borrow money every month it seems.

We’ve been arguing about this for a few days now. She doesn’t seem to realize that no matter how the math gets done, even 20K a year will be a major improvement over the almost $6,500 a year I make right now. I honestly can’t see where she’s coming from. In my mind her argument is pure idiocy. This job is the best opportunity I could ask for. It’ll pay well, it’ll give me the experience I need to move towards my career goals, it’s doing what I enjoy doing right now, and it’s practically dangling right in front of my face. Quite honestly, there is no reason for me to not take it. My mom is driving me nuts.

On a happy note, I’ve started reading for fun again. I’ve been trying to read David and Leigh Eddings’ Polgara the Sorceress for months now. I already read the Belgariad and the Mallorean series. So this is just a follow up. But still…I loved that world and the characters. So this book really makes me happy. Another happy note is that I go back up to school on Sunday. I think two weeks is too much time home for me. Next year I’ll try for less time at home.

My New Years Resolutions are pretty simple. My first is that I want to end next year better than I did this year. By that, I mean I want to be happier, healthier, and have a little extra money to live off of. My second resolution is to work on my confidence level. It’s definitely not all that high. I may do a lot for the trans community and the GLB community, but I don’t think all that highly of myself. I need to really work on that. Lastly, I want to get myself more physically active. I spent most of this past year on my butt. I need to get out more and get more excersize. No more lazy bum for this girl.

That’s about it though. Happy New Year everyone. I’ll write again in the new year.

Love,
Jess

I’ve been reading the critic’s reviews of the film version of Phantom of the Opera, which I just got home from seeing, and I have to say this: Don’t listen to a word they say. I especially say that after reading the New York Times review that completely tore it apart. These film critics have no appreciation for music. The film was beautiful.

Don’t get me wrong…it’s not perfect. I don’t think many productions are perfect. However, it does a great job of telling this story. It’s visually stunning. I was listening to NPR a little over a week ago to a program that was reviewing movies of the season, including Phantom, and said that the film was directed so poorly. He claimed that Joel Schumacher did nothing to make the film stand out from the stage production. That guy probably went into the film with that opinion and wouldn’t open his eyes to actually see his own opinion destroyed.

To be honest, after Mr. Schumacher single handedly destroyed the Batman franchise with his direction, I haven’t been a fan of his work. This movie makes up for that. I no longer think so poorly of Joel anymore. So, that’s good. Anyway though, I recommend the film. It flows very nicely, and contrary to what the critics say, you do leave the theater humming the music. I’m singing it in my head right now. I give Phantom of the Opera 4 out of 5 brownies.

Luv,
Jess

Hi everyone. Before the update, I have a quick poll for you.

!++2++!

Happy Merry Christmahanukwaanzikah. Yeah, I know you’ve seen that commercial. Anyway, I hope everyone had a good holiday season. My family celebrated Christmas today. It was ok. I still don’t like the holiday. I bought presents, but was barely able to buy them. I had a limit of about 10 dollars. I felt my presents were lame, but my family seemed to like them. So, I guess it was a success. I can’t wait until I have a real job and can afford to spoil my family.

As you can see from the poll, I’m sick again. I started to feel it just after final exams. In fact, the day after finals were over I got the sore throat that starts all my colds. I tried taking the Cold-Eeze drops that Lauren sent me to help kick the cold faster, but it hasn’t really helped. In fact, I’m fairly certain I’ve got another infection. I must be more susceptible to sinus/nasal infections. I’m thinking about seeing a doctor this week. I might as well since the insurance deductible starts over again on the First. Better get it in before then.

The end of school went pretty well after I finally finished my papers and other miscellaneous crap. Finals were pretty easy. I ended up with a 3.58 for the semester. I think that’s pretty good considering how busy I was. Despite missing two assignments in my database class, I still managed to get an A. I don’t know exactly how I pulled that off. My gender class I also got an A in. Speech I got a B+, and then I got a B in Interpersonal Communication. I could have gotten an A in that class, but it was just so dull. I had no desire to try.

I dropped my resume off with the person that could be my future boss. Yes, that means I have officially applied for the open Media Specialist position. My resume looks great. My cover letter looks great. So do my references. I made one mistake…I forgot to hand sign the cover letter. I laughed about that with my dad later. I’m going to do a follow up this week and call the person to see if I can get an interview. Hopefully I wont be incredibly nasal and sick still.

I’m excited about the newspaper stuff lately. The article that was published about me last year that took up the entire back page of the school paper….yeah, it won first place in the state newspaper association awards. That’s awesome. I’m so proud of Allison (the author). I also made the news again after the whole board of regents meeting I did a few weeks ago. They quoted me extensively. I thought that was cool too.

Let’s see…for Christmas I got Spiderman 2, a new pretty watch, earrings, and a whole bunch of clothing. I’m not complaining about any of it, nor will I exchange any of it. I helped pick out most of the clothes. I didn’t expect the watch. It’s a Relic watch and has an irridescent face. I love it. I feel so spoiled. My parents can’t afford to buy all us kids presents. I’m grateful though. I needed what I got. God knows I have no money to get clothing.

Anyway, I should get to bed. I need to rest so I can get better. Oh, one last thing…I’d have to say the thing I hate the most about having a cold is the sinus infection that follows. Ok, good night everyone.

Luv,
Jess

Wonder why its called that…
this bench is warm my foot.
I’ve been sitting here for years and
it’s never gotten warm.
I talked to the coach,
but she just ignored me.
kinda like the rest of the team.

The other girls laugh at me when I’m gone.
I know they must because
they smirk when they look at me.
It’s not a nice smirk either, no ma’am.
It’s the kind that makes you feel like
you’re not welcome.

It’s because I haven’t gotten to play yet
I’m sure of it. I just need a chance…
a chance to prove myself.
I can play, I really can.
Once they see that, then…THEN
I’ll be a real member of the team.

I just need that one chance.
Coach…?
Please put me in.
Coach? Coach?

Hi everyone,

I just updated the diary pages. I think this is a much more functional design. Now I can post pictures and not worry about the menu disappearing under it. Here is an example of a recent picture of me.

Yes, I know it makes me a walking personal ad, but hey, I have to advertise somehow. How else will I get the word out that I’m extremely single. What do you mean flirt with girls and be more social? Anyway, I’ve been writing more poetry lately. I will post that soon. Since the semester is officially over as of today, I can finally relax and write more of what I want to write. You should be seeing more of that if I have anything to say about it. Well, I’m off to bed. It’s been a long day. G’night.

Luv,
Jess

Yesterday was your pretty average day. You know…driving, school, meetings, getting the state university system to add gender identity and expression to their non discrimination policy… Your average stuff. Yeah, I’m amazed too.

I participated in a panel of students yesterday that went before the governing body of people for the entire University system of the state. The emphasis was on the Inclusivity Initiative that’s being implemented. Basically what the initiative is designed to do is to further integrate and promote GLBT students in the system (like with curriculum infusion, creating safe spaces, Domestic Partnership benefits, etc). The panel itself focused on student experiences being GLBT on campus.

I talked about the difficulties of getting a job and finding appropriate bathrooms to use during my early transition. It really seemed to have an impact. When they heard that the system and state don’t offer trans people any protections at all, they were really surprised. At the committee meeting afterwards, they decided to make adding gender identity and expression to the non-discrimination policy a priority. I was so suprised and happy to hear that. Also, several of the board members were making bold statements about needing to take a stance against the impending state marriage amendment. That’s just as cool.

I got an e-mail today about it, and there was a quote in it I want to post here. It just really makes me feel great. “What we thought would take five years, Jessica accomplished in an afternoon.” I am so proud to have helped make a difference for all trans people going to public universities across the state.

In other news, today was the last day of classes. I got my speech done and now only have a little catch up work left. I have one last paper to write and turn in by Monday. It shouldn’t be too bad by any means. Finally my stress is over with. I can relax for a little bit. This weekend will be so nice. I am going to sleep a LOT.

On another happy note, Audrey and I have been talking a lot. My crush on her has been the best crush I’ve ever had. I say that because for once I have very few expectations. I expect we’ll remain good friends, if not close friends. I also expect it wont go beyond that. For some reason, I haven’t gotten my hopes to sky rocket at all. That’s wonderful. We’ve been talking a lot too. Yesterday we both pledged to make each other smile at least once a day. I think that’s cool. She’ll be back in town here in another week or so. I wont get to physically hang out again until January when I get back from home. It’ll be fun though. I’m looking forward to it.

Well, that’s all for now. I’ll write more soon since school is lighter. Of course, it’ll probably be so much more boring because of my lack of stuff to do. Oh well. Bye.

Luv,
Jess

Don’t you love it when you type your entire entry, try to open a new browser window to check on something you wrote, close the window you thought was a new window only to discover your dumb computer just used the same window you were typing everything in? I am now typing this entry for the second time, which is disappointing because the first time was pretty good.

So anyway, it’s that time of the year again, and I don’t mean Christmas. It’s time for the joys of writing as many papers and doing as many projects as humanly possible over the duration of about two weeks and then taking several large tests. Stress levels have been pretty high. I’ve noticed the tell tale signs of stress for me: restless sleep, change in pH levels in my mouth, and a huge desire to procrastonate. That last one may not be a sign of stress so much though. The nice thing is that the stress is dropping. I’ve gotten several of the papers done to the point that I’m almost completely caught up. Too bad I still have two more papers and two presentations yet to go before finals.

Still, sleep is getting easier and the canker sore has pretty much healed up. That’s good considering I like sleep and I don’t enjoy biting the side of my mouth all the time. In other health related news, Friday was the three week mark for labiaplasty. That means stitches are clear to come out. I was sick of getting poked all the time, so I tried to get some of them out. Unfortunately they haven’t been too friendly on being removed. Lots of pain. With each day more of them work their way to the surface though. Eventually they’ll all be gone or dissolved. That’ll be nice.

Money is my greatest enemy right now though. I have a grand total of $14 to last me for the next two weeks. I have to do my laundry sometime soon. I have no money on my food card again. My car needs an oil change. I’m in need of deodorant and other miscellaneous toiletries. I owe the TV studio money for a t-shirt. I have a bill waiting to be paid. And on top of all that, I have no Christmas presents for my family or friends. That really sucks. Thankfully I get a raise at the help desk for next semester. The standard raise for student workers is 25 cents. However, I put a lot of effort into the job. Every semester I’ve worked there so far I’ve gotten more than the 25 cents. I’m expecting somewhere around 50 cents. It’s not much, but it will help.

I had planned on applying for this fellowship program in New York City for the summer, but I missed the deadline by a day. I have all these projects and papers to thank for that. Of course, I could have filled out the application a month ago, but I put it off because I had stuff to do then too. I wish I had done it then, because now I’m so much more busy than I was. The good thing is that I can apply next year still. I have that one last chance…unless I go to grad school for communications too. I don’t know if I will though.

I’m surprised I haven’t mentioned this yet, but I have a permanent job possibility at the University. This fell in my lap the Monday before Thanksgiving. I’ve known this guy, Bruce, for a while. He works as the media specialist for one of the computer departments. I used him as a source for a speech I gave recently. That Monday he walked in and told me he’s leaving the University in two weeks. That two weeks is up this Friday, December 10th. He then told me he had been passing my name around as someone who could replace him. That floored me.

I didn’t really know how to handle that at first. I let it sink in, got some advice, and then felt honored. I usually think of myself as amateur or just still learning. I wouldn’t put myself on par with Bruce or consider myself capable of being the Media Specialist. Regardless, after a few days of thought, I was leaning towards the idea. Friday of that week, I talked to another person in the department and she seemed all for it. She later advised me to apply. So, that’s a good sign. I have allies. I’m going to apply when the job is posted. I’m still not sure I’m ready for it, but who knows what’ll happen. I’m also not sure I want to stay here in this town. I really don’t have to though. I think I’d like to work for a few years and then go to grad school after I have some things paid off. I’ll keep you all informed on the developments.

Well, I should probably start doing research for the presentation this week and also start writing the paper I have to turn in tomorrow. I will write again soon. Bye everyone.

Luv,
Jess

I have dreamt of having powers
super powers some might say
soaring through the sky
like a bird without wings

l have awakened from those dreams
wishing for the powers
like webs, strength, or flight
but they always say…

I have the power to not be seen
by many, if not all, that once could
a power beyond my control
but mine nonetheless

I have the plague of invisibility
my lonely eyes unseen
by the remedy for
the aching hole in my heart

I have dreamt of having powers
but this is reality
and they always say…
be careful what you wish for.

I’ve already broken the “buy nothing day” vow. I bought a soda and a candy bar. What can I say? I needed the caffiene. I’m so tired right now. The drive home last night was a bit much for me. I ended up getting five hours of sleep. Not so happy about that. Sleep is a good thing. Especially enough sleep.

Thanksgiving for me wasn’t too bad. It was at my aunt’s house. A lot of family was there. My little sister didn’t have her boyfriend there, which meant I wasn’t the only person alone again. Thank God. For once a family holiday wasn’t depressing. I got to talk to several of my cousins and share some advice about classes and such. It was good to see some of them. I hadn’t seen one or two of them in years.

The food ended up being several hours late. The turkey wasn’t ready when it said it was supposed to be. Regardless, it was good. For me it was pushing it though. I had to leave by 7:00. Food was served at 6:15ish. So, despite the relaxing time before dinner, I still felt like I had to eat and run. The triptophan set in on my drive home too. I had to stop and get some coffee to make it back safely. I know my sleepy limits though. So that’s good. I know exactly when it’s time to stop.

I’d have to say that the best part of this holiday was the normalcy. For once it wasn’t uncomfortable. People were just accepting and considered me to be normal Jessica. That makes me happy. There were a few male pronouns used, but I purposely “didn’t hear” them. I’m thinking that will get slowly better with time. My parents have it down now. So at least that’s good.

Today was a fairly dull day though. I worked from 7:45 in the morning to 4:30 in the afternoon. I made my first large mistake since I started working in IT. I was going through a complicated process to restore some old e-mails through outlook and inadvertantly deleted the person’s inbox. Complete accident. Hopefully he can get his e-mails back through our backup system. I don’t have any control about that. Still, I feel like a cigarrette butt in someone’s pocket. And with that, i’m going to end this wonderful post. Have a wonderful day.

Luv,
Jess

So….geez I don’t even remember the last time I posted. Ahh yes, November 13th. Well, things have happened since then….obviously. This past week was a week of hell to beat all weeks of hell. I had so much to do that I’m still not done with it all. I have an exam that was due a week ago this past friday that I haven’t yet turned in. Don’t worry, she knows my situation and will allow me to turn it in the Monday after Thanksgiving.

This week was a lot easier. It gave me a little room to breathe, which was nice. I have been getting decent sleep and also have gotten to all my appointments (classes, work, etc). Today I don’t have to work as late as I thought I was going to have to because of Thanksgiving tomorrow. The helpdesk closes at 5:00. So I lose two hours today. That’s ok because I volunteered to work on Friday all day. I’m all set there. I’m going to use that whole time to write my exam papers. Then the weekend is free.

Last week, I had a speech, a 2 hour program at the TV studio, another production to work at the studio as well, a program to give on Thursday as well as a booth to run for several hours. I also had two exam papers on my head and a conference to go to over the weekend that I was giving a program at. So I had a lot of stress last week. Amazingly, I got everything done except for the papers. One big success was the two hour production. For once, there was only one snag with the production and it got fixed fairly quickly. The big issue was making sure every room was shot and edited. I had delegated out the 10 rooms to the eight staff members in my department as well as myself. I wasn’t sure if they would all get done because I wasn’t sure I could depend on everyone. I apparently can. Every room was done and done well. I was so proud of my department. They really kicked ass and made everything work.

I have also asked several of my department members how I’m doing as the department manager. So far I’ve been told that I’m doing a pretty darn good job. That’s good to know. I was worried I was pushing them too hard with the last month we had. Or perhaps that I wasn’t offering enough help. Bill, especially, said I was doing an excellent job. He’s been in production for a while. That made me happy.

This weekend was the women’s leadership conference at a college across the state. I’d been looking forward to it all semester since last year’s conference was so cool. They planned ahead for my workshop this year and gave me a whole lecture hall. That made things much easier for me. There were about 60 people in my workshop and it was probably one of the best deliveries I’ve had. The group was very responsive. They also laughed at my jokes, which made me feel great, thus, making my delivery better. So, I was quite happy with it. I got great questions, particularly about transgender sexuality. People seemed very interested in that. Several times throughout the day people randomly told me that my workshop was great. I was in a great mood all day because of that.

There were four keynote speakers throughout the conference. I saw all of them. With each speaker, I felt more motivated, more activist, and more feminist. I was amazed to hear just about every one of the speakers mention transgender and how we as feminists should support it. That made me very happy. I made sure to give the speakers my card. Networking is a good thing.

The only really bad part of the weekend at the conference was the hotel. We were in a Days Inn, and my friend Emilie and I were rooming together. Friday night I walked into the bathroom and there was a nasty brown thing crawling across the counter. Yes, that’s right…cockroaches. Apparently it was just our room, but still….nasty. We complained and it was “taken care of”. We didn’t see anymore after Friday night. If I had been paying for the room, I’d have been more of a bitch about it. We still had half of the room price dropped at least. Aside from that, though, the weekend was pretty cool. I learned a lot and really made some great strides mentally as a feminist.

Last week was the end of GenderFest on campus. On Thursday I gave a program and sat at the “Ask a Transsexual Anything” booth for two and a half hours. It was fun. I got some really great questions. Most people just walked past looking a little uncomfortable. Some even had a look of contempt. I didn’t care though, I got enough good attention that I felt it was a success. The program only had two people in it, which was ok. I would have liked more though. It’s just so hard to get people involved with anything here.

Well, I think it’s just about time for me to get ready to go home. I will likely think of more to write, but I don’t really have time right now. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I have to drive home yet tonight. So, I will let you all know how my Thanksgiving went on Friday. I’m sure being at home among all the couples will make me feel so happy…Talk to you all then. Bye.

Luv,
Jess