Happy New Years Eve to everyone. I hope everyone’s holiday season is going well. Mine is going decently. I had a good Christmas. Santa actually brought me women’s clothing this year instead of men’s. I was so excited. My mom actually bought me Victoria’s Secret underwear. We have to take it back, because unfortunately she got me the wrong style. I can’t wear low rise pants with that style. So we’re going to exchange them. No problem at all.

Christmas Eve went ok. I was worried it would be difficult with all my family there. It ended up going smoothly. The relatives that came were very nice. The food was good. It was weird though. My mom wanted to show my uncle the sound system my dad has. That’s very odd for my mom to want to do. So they put in the oddest Christmas movie I could have thought of: “The Fellowship of the Ring”. We hadn’t planned on watching the whole thing, but it ended up that we did. That marked the fourth time I had seen that movie in two weeks. All in all, I think it was a good night.

Since Christmas, all I’ve really done is work. I did get my final grades for last semester. I got a 2.91. To me, that was a good GPA. My mom was disappointed. She doesn’t understand what all goes into getting good grades. Studying isn’t everything. The other main thing I have done is go in for my medical testing. I had an a whole slew of tests done last Friday and Saturday. It wasn’t bad, and so far, everything has come back as normal. I’m just awaiting the results of the ultrasound. That’ll tell me for sure if I have the stupid kidney disease or not. I have high hopes though.

Other than that, the only thing that has happened is I’ve gotten myself into a long distance relationship. We’ll see how that goes. I’ll keep you all posted. I have to head off to work now. Yup, I work on New Years Eve night. It’s sort of my tradition. Every year I do it. I really need to get a life. Anyway, have a happy new year everyone.

Luv,

Jessica

School is finally over. I took my last final exam yesterday. It went well. My final grades are almost all posted too. I didn’t do as badly this semester as I thought I would. That’s definitely a good thing. I’m very glad to be done with this semester too. It was probably my worst semester ever. Not so much with my grades, but with me enjoying school. I can’t wait to finally get into some classes I like.

Now that school is over, I’m back at home with my parents. So far things haven’t been too bad. I had a heart to heart talk with my mother last night. I think we are going to be ok over these next few weeks. Since Thanksgiving my parents have really become supportive. That has made my last month at school that much better. I think it actually helped me push forward enough to do well on my finals. Otherwise, I may not have had the mental drive to do it.

On Monday I was Christmas shopping in Best Buy. I used my credit card and handed to to the cashier lady. She looked at the card and said to me “This isn’t your card.” She read my male name on the card and since I look like a female, she questioned it. So, I said to her “It may not look like it, but it is my card,” and then showed her my drivers license. She was surprised and finally responded “Oh…..ok.” That was a first for me. I told her that had never happened to me before. She apologized, and I told her that it was ok and actually very cool. So, that was my fun experience.

After that, I went to the theater I work at and told the people there about the incident. They said to me “Wow, she thought you were a girl. That’s amazing. I’ve never thought of you as a girl.” Another person said, “Yeah, you’re a really pretty guy, but definitely not a girl.” So, of course, I was really upset by that. It totally ruined it for me. I was thinking “Gee….thanks.” At the same time though, give them a few months, and they wont have any trouble thinking of me as a girl. I really really need to start my laser hair reduction. That’ll help greatly.

Things are finally starting to happen now. Thursday of this week I went in for an appointment with my therapist and then the endocrinologist. It was the first time I saw her. We went over the basics of hormones, which I knew already. It’s good to know I have my expectations for hormones in the right places. I now have a doctors order to get some tests done over break. Unfortunately, my family has a strong history of Polycystic Kidney Disease. That may affect the ability of my body to take hormones. It’s uncertain right now whether it will or not. I am going to get tested for it this month. I also have to get my blood tested. After those results are in, I’ll find out if the doc will approve me. I’m so excited for that, yet so afraid that this disease will prevent me from taking hormones at all. I don’t know how well I would take that. Thankfully, there are other options. When the doc told me that, it really lightened my spirits.

I’m so excited now, because tonight is Lord of the Rings night. I’m meeting my best friend and we are going to see the movie on what’s known as “the Ultrascreen.” By name, you could figure out that it’s a huge screen. The theater has THX sound too. So, it’ll be a great time. I asked my friend if he was going to be ok with how I look, as he hasn’t seen me for a few months. He was like “Of cour……..wait a minute.” It was great. You could hear the thought process going in his head. He’s a little worried about people thinking we’re some gay couple. But I say screw what they think. It’ll be fine. It’ll be his first experience getting looked at like I get looked at all the time. So, I think it’ll be a good thing for him overall anyway.

Well, that’s my novel for the week. I probably wont get the chance to write before Christmas. So, just in case, Have a great Christmas and Happy Holidays.

Luv,

Jessica

I can’t tell you how much I hate this part of the semester. Everything comes due, and in the music department, it’s time to play prepared music for your professor. On Wednesday I have my piano final, and I think I’m going to throw a “No More Piano Class” party that night. I can’t stand that class. This semester just sucks, and I’m finding out that it seems to be a bad semester for everyone. Only a few more days and I’m done. It’s funny. It reminds me of when I was little and Christmas seemed like it took forever to come. Now, it’s the last day of finals that takes forever. Christmas is the added bonus at the end.

Well, Thanksgiving went a lot better than I had expected. My parents have really started to accept me. They were not an issue at all. My relatives came over, and then the fun began. My family is usually one to not say anything and just act as if everything is normal. Then, after the holiday, the rumors and insults start flying. That’s pretty much how it went. They tried to ignore the fact that I looked like a girl. My predictions about how they would react came pretty darn close. Two of my uncles came. One is younger, and he reacted very accepting and seemed very sincere. Both my sister and I expected that. My other uncle is the Pentecostal one. He gave me a look when he first saw me that was a combination of “What the?” and “Oh no…not in our family” and “I’m going to have to save him from the fires of hell.” It was brief, but I could see it in his eyes. My grandma I think was just shocked and didn’t know how to respond…so she didn’t. She’s not one of the most accepting people though, so I don’t expect she’s too happy about it.

Aside from the uncomfortable feeling in the air, we had a great dinner. Both my sisters expressed their jealousy to me. I guess I look better in jeans than they do. Hehe…too bad for them. My older sister and I have really started to bond more too. We were never this close in our younger years, and I personally like it. I hope she does too. My little sister on the other hand….she’s going through a stage it seems. She’s a senior in high school and has an attitude with everyone. I just try to stay out of her way. Over the rest of the weekend, I managed to work 27.5 hours in two days at my job back home. That should help out with paying rent and bills. I drove back to school that Sunday night with a friend and we had a great time.

Little did I know that due to a miscommunication at Hot Topic, I was supposed to work that very Sunday. I of course missed my shift. When I called Monday night to get my schedule, they told me that they had to let me go. I was so confused and upset. I’ve never lost a job before, especially from missing a shift. I’m more responsible than that. After that call, I called the movie theater to check my schedule there only to find out I was missing a shift that night. There was no way for me to go in and work either. I had my final band concert that night. Thankfully they are very understanding there. Everything worked out. However, I was still upset by it. On top of that, in looking through my closet, I didn’t have anything that was feminine and appropriate to wear to the concert. So I had to wear my old guy’s dress clothes. I was so mad. I had skirts and things, but I’ve been trying to ease the school into me, so to speak. They aren’t ready for me to wear a skirt yet. Give me a few months yet and then I will. So, with all that, my personal performance in the concert wasn’t so great. I was way too distracted with my emotions. It was a hugely disappointing night.

The rest of the week went a lot better. Thursday I got paid and decided to go shopping to make up for the crappy Monday. I found the coolest top ever at JCPenney. It’s red with flared sleeves. The sleeves and the bottom of the shirt have bright glitter flames on them. I had to have it. In fact, I wore it today and it was so much fun. I was shedding glitter everywhere though. Digressing back to Thursday, I also went and got some new earrings at Claire’s. In a few more days it’ll be the full six weeks since I got my ears pieced and I will be able to put new earrings in. So, I was having a good time that night. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I worked. I’m actually starting to enjoy that place. Movie theaters are great places to work. Everyone that works there is wonderful. We’re all friends.

Today I had a piano test, which I’m glad is over. It was actually a very relaxing day after the piano thing was done. I fell asleep in a chair in the union. One of my friends found me and woke me up. We talked for a while and caught up. Some of my friends I so rarely get to see despite only living a half mile apart from each other. I also made a new friend later on at the LGBT meeting. The Co-President of the group is a really cool girl. We ended up talking for about an hour and a half. I love making new friends.

Well….as usual, I say I’m going to write a shorter entry, and it’s just as long as the last one. This time I wont even say it. Until Next time…Good Night.

Luv,

Jessica

Wow, I’ve been lazy lately. Almost two weeks and no diary entry. I had wanted to make my entries shorter instead of writing a book every time too. So much for that idea. It’s been a rough couple weeks for me. Thanks to Harry Potter and James Bond, I had a lot of work on the weekends. I needed it too. I am so broke right now. That is the biggest problem for me right now. Lack of money. I hit my first big money problem this past week on pay day. Even with all that work I put in, my paycheck was about half of what I needed to get. I am about $30 short of what I need to pay rent. That puts me in a major bind. My credit card bill is due soon too. Plus, I believe the rest of the house bills arrived too. And with Christmas coming, things aren’t looking good. I don’t want to, but I’m going to have to beg my parents for help. I hate it when I have to do that.

School has been kicking my butt. This semester is probably one of my worst. It’s ranking up there just under my second semester of my freshman year when I failed a class. I don’t think I’ll fail anything this time, but I just can’t stand my classes. It’s a good thing there are only two more weeks left of class. If there was more, I’d go insane. My piano class is probably the worst out of all of them. My professor is a new professor. He’s from Russia and is really strict. My school has attendance policies that have to be the lamest thing ever. Most teachers don’t actually follow the policies, but my piano prof does. I was doing really well in the course despite missing class often. I never got lower than a B+ on a test, but because I missed class more than twice, my grade is at about a C- or D+. You’d think that if we pay that much to go to school, it would be our choice whether or not to go to class, especially if we are doing well in the class. Apparently that’s not how it works here at my college. So, I got screwed.

I realized in the past week that I am suffering from depression. I’ve been through depression before, so I recognized the signs. I have trouble getting to sleep and waking up. My appetite has changed, and I have no motivation to do anything. I also have been down emotionally for a while. I know why I am depressed, but right now, there isn’t much I can do about it. I don’t want to go on medication, so I’m just going to deal with it on my own. Part of the cause of it is school right now. So, when winter break hits, I think I’ll start to feel better. I just have to be patient.

Thanksgiving and the rest of the upcoming holidays has my family on edge. My sister e-mailed me about her nervousness in seeing me on Thursday. It’s going to be awkward at first. I think everyone will adjust, but it will take time. I think they will start to get used to me as Jessica and even like me. My sisters may even like me more as a girl than they did when I was a guy. We’ll see. I can only hope.

Last Thursday was a very hard night for me. I went out with all my female friends from my music theory class. We ate dinner at the school cafeteria and then went to see one of the Jazz bands perform. Before we went out, I had been excited about it, but as the night went on, my excitement deteriorated quickly. I am attracted to most, if not all of the girls that I hung out with that night. As the night progressed, I truly felt how uninterested they are in me. Don’t get my wrong, they are my friends. They just don’t want an intimate relationship. It wasn’t anything they said to me, or anything we talked about. It was just apparent in their actions. It was very obvious how they feel. I am already lonely. So, having this on my mind combined with my loneliness was very difficult to deal with. When we got to the concert, my ex-girlfriend showed up. We are great friends, so that wasn’t a problem. She is moving on though. I am very happy for her in that she has finally found someone to be with again. We sat next to each other during the concert. I spent the entire concert fighting my tears. I didn’t want to start crying and ruin the concert for my friends, nor did I want to make a scene. I did, however, want a hug really bad. No one noticed. They just thought I was just tired, and that’s why my eyes were red and I wasn’t smiling. I learned to cover my emotions up so well, that now it’s hard for me to show people how I actually feel even when I’m trying to. I really didn’t want to push my problems on my ex, and that’s why I didn’t say anything. But I wish someone would have told me it was ok and given me a hug. At the end of the concert, I snuck out quietly and no one noticed. I went home and cried there. I doubt anyone had a clue.

Hopefully I can pull myself out of this depression. I know it’s going to be hard. I can only pray that I don’t sink lower. Let’s hope that this Holiday weekend picks me up a little bit. We’ll see soon enough. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone.

Luv,

Jessica

My last week was a productive one. On Wednesday last week I went to an advising session at the technical college I’m looking into transferring to. That really lifted my spirits up. The school has everything I am looking for and more. It’s in a more open minded environment as well. I also found out about an LGBT scholarship that is offered there that I can apply for. From the looks of it, I stand a good change at getting something. All in all, it seems like the best place for me to be. I can’t wait to go there. Too bad I have to wait until next school year.

After that, my plans for school finally came together. So I now know what I’m going to do next semester and for the next few years. It feels wonderful to have a plan that will actually work for me. I’ve picked out my classes for next semester and I’m ready to register. It’s going to be a fun semester. I’m taking classes I’m going to enjoy instead of required courses. I really look forward to that, since I really am not enjoying school right now.

The weekend proved to be busy for me. I worked all weekend. Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday afternoon. We were busy still despite not getting 8 Mile or Santa Clause 2. Saturday night was the most exciting of them all. First off, I worked with cool people. I really am starting to make friends there and enjoy myself while working. That night, I went on my break with two of my better friends there. While eating, a guy walks up staring straight at me. He starts asking questions about the movies we have, and then quickly switches to me. He used the classic line “You look familiar. Have I met you somewhere before?” He starts asking me personal questions. He then sits down at the table my friends and I were at and asks more. He asked me if I was gay, and by this time I knew he was gay already. When I told him I’m not, he tried to cover it up by saying he had a girlfriend. I was thinking “Yeah, bull crap you do.” but I said nothing. He tried to make small talk, but thankfully, one of my coworkers was like “Is it time to go back yet?” and I responded “Actually, we’re late. Let’s go.” and we quickly left. It creeped me out. The guy never even introduced himself.

Oh, yeah, on Friday night there were two mentally slow people that I had to serve popcorn to. One of them was like “No offense, but you look like a girl.” I said “I know” and continued with the order. He eventually said it again. So I said “I know” again. This time he continued on by commenting about my makeup. After he saw my nails, he started calling me Cinderella. I took his money and he left. I wouldn’t have put up with that kind of attitude if the kid wasn’t actually mentally slow. He has an excuse. However, next time I get that, no way.

Sunday was dull. The local football game was on at noon, and since we didn’t get the big movies that weekend, it was dead. So, the day took forever to end. What an exciting story, huh? That night however, I was talking to my roommate about vocal therapy. I had thought I might talk to the voice professors in the music school, but he had a better suggestion. One of his friends is a Communicative Disorders major and might want to help me. I spoke with her, and she was very enthusiastic about helping me out. She warned me about some of the techniques online as they may be damaging to my vocal chords. She also suggested I go to their clinic. I may be able to get voice lessons for free due to my student status. That would be nice. I was very excited about that.

Monday I impressed myself by going to every single one of my classes. That’s a rare thing for me, especially on Monday. That evening I went to Yahoo Transgendered chat and tried out my voice. I have trouble getting unbiased opinions elsewhere, and I’m usually too afraid to talk to my friends using my female voice. So, Yahoo is probably the best for it. I got some really good responses. I apparently sound good. That makes me feel better, but I still want to go to the voice lessons. Practice makes perfect.

Today, Tuesday, I spent way too much money. The extended edition of Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring came out today, and I had to get the gift box. So, I broke in my new credit card to get it. Then, I went to Hot Topic and splurged some more on clothes I wanted. I got about $100 worth of clothes, but with my discount, it cost me $60. So, now I have something to watch, and stuff to wear. But, I spent money I don’t have. So, that’s not good. I need to stay on a budget from now on. We’ll see. Maybe I should keep track of that here so that you all can scorn me for spending too much. I did get a very cool Wonder Woman hooded sweatshirt though. Come on…who wouldn’t want that? Well, I think yet again it is time for me to get some sleep and end this long diary entry. Good Night and God Bless.

Luv,

Jessica

Well this whole ‘post once a week’ thing is working well for me. It gives me plenty of time to have stuff happen to me to write about. The only problem is that I write too much and things get long. Oh well, long entries are more interesting anyway. This one is definitely going to be long.

This past week had my favorite Holiday of the year. Halloween is always fun for me. I love being able to let myself out in public and be accepted for one day. On Wednesday, I asked my music theory class if I should come as a princess the next day. I was planning on doing it anyway, but I wanted to see the response. Half the class, most of which were my friends, had their hands up. The other half had this look of “you’re kidding, right?” on their face. It was funny. So, after that, I felt a little less nervous about going to my classes dressed up. At least I’d have some moral support.

I woke up 2 hours before my first class. Unfortunately, with shaving and everything, I took 2 and a half and missed my first class. That’s ok. It was worth it. I froze my butt off walking to campus. When I got there, I walked around until I found someone I knew to walk with for moral support. It took about 20 minutes until I felt ok. It was hard to believe I was standing in the middle of my school dressed as I was. A year ago I would have thought of that as a nightmare. After I relaxed, the fun began. No one recognized me. It would take a few seconds before even people that knew me pretty well could figure it out. That in itself was cool. Everyone was very impressed at my “costume.” When I went to class, I got very good reactions from my friends and very funny reactions from everyone else. My professor was probably the best. After that class, I was done for the day with school, but I decided to parade around anyway. I was feeling so wonderful that I wanted to show everyone. So, I bore the cold weather and walked around. I scared one of my former professors. I also surprised the person at the cafeteria. If only my voice didn’t give me away…. I really need to work on that.

That night I went to show my employers. My manager at Hot Topic took my picture for me. I put that shot in my pictures if you want to see it. After I went home, I joined up with some friends and went to my second ever college house party. After three years of school, I’ve only been to two. Anyway, it was fun. I watched everyone else get drunk. Drunk people are funny to watch. I don’t drink, so parties have never been much of a draw for me, but I had a good time. After the party, I hung out at my best friend’s place. I stayed there until four in the morning. I didn’t want to get out of my outfit. I wish I could have that feeling of contentment all the time. However, it’d be nice if I could have that feeling without the medical tape, really thick makeup, and padding. I can’t wait to start hormones and laser hair removal.

The weekend was fun. I played in the band at the football game on Saturday. We always have good times at the games. I laughed so hard I cried at this one. Also, I was really surprised. I thought that dressing on Halloween would scare people away from me, but it had the opposite affect. I felt amongst kin. Everyone included me and joked around with me. Now more people talk to me than before. That’s so great. On Sunday I had to work. A customer whom I had meet before talked to me. She said she checked out my website and thought it was great. She read the whole thing. I was so surprised and happy. She was so nice. That really made my day. My dad called and it was a good conversation again. We didn’t fight at all. So that makes two weeks in a row. Let’s keep a count and see how long we can go without fighting. Oh, and I finally got my ears pierced. I went to Claire’s and only paid about $15. The first one didn’t hurt, but the second one did. They look really pretty. Maybe I’ll take a picture and put it up for everyone to see.

Today was really good too. I went to my 9:00 am class for the first time in a week and a half. I’ve been slacking so bad in that class. I felt very good that I went. I got compliments on my earrings all day. I got my music theory exams back and I aced both of them. My friend actually took her shoe off and hit me with it cause I did so well. That was funny, but it hurt too. Later, when I was walking to get some food, a random person stopped me and told me she went to my website. She said it looked wonderful and I should be proud. She asked me if I was Jessica and told me I’m beautiful. I couldn’t believe it. It was so cool. Then, I had band later. I am confused by a girl in my section. She’s cute, and she keeps smiling at me real big and goes out of her way to talk to me. Now, I’m very outwardly feminine, so unless she’s bisexual or lesbian, I doubt she’s attracted to me. But I can’t tell. She might be. I dunno. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking on my part.

Tonight I talked to my ex, and she told me she wrote something in my guestbook. I looked and it was really nice. So, I had a really good week. I hope things continue in this trend. I think I’ll end my long story here for now. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Until next time….

Luv,

Jessica

This past week was me slowly climbing out of the hole from the week before. I had thought I had found the college I wanted to go to, but found out that it cost about 15 thousand a year. So that ruled that one out. I eventually found another college that isn’t private. It seems like it has everything I would want and it’s also much cheaper than a private college. So, that seems to be my best option right now. I’m going to see an adviser at that school in a little over a week. I’m excited to see where that may take me. It’d be nice to have some real direction in school again.

I realized late into last week that I haven’t had any time to release for a long time. I needed a break from all this work. It just so happened that on Friday I got word of a party that one of my best friends was having for his 2 year anniversary of his store. I decided at the last minute that I was going to go. The store is three hours away from where I live, but it was worth it. It was a costume party, so I decided to go as an elf princess. It’s a very similar costume to what I am wearing in one of my pictures, but I had a few more elaborations to it. I had elf ears and this really cool necklace that you wear on your forehead. I did my makeup really well too. My friends actually told me I looked elvish, like a character out of Lord of the Rings or something. It was a wonderful compliment. Alas, I took second in the costume competition. I was second only to a cute little 10-year-old ninja. I was actually very happy that the little kid won. Kids deserve that kind of thing. Plus he was being really cute the whole night.

I made a couple friends there and spent most of the time chatting with them. It was a fun time to not think about life or school. I really had a good time. After the party, I slept over night at my friends house. We spent a lot of the night talking. It was just him, his girlfriend (who is also my best friend), and me. I really wish we all lived closer together, because I really miss getting to spent time like that with them. And here I am looking to go to a school further away. I’m a dork…

Sunday night, after I got back home from the party, my mother called me. We actually had a civil conversation completely devoid of arguments. It was actually a good conversation. We discussed many things including my transition, which was the cause of argumentation in the last phone conversation we had. This time, we were talking heart to heart without our emotions getting in the way of our rationale. I think my parents are starting to accept me. I’m so happy about that. Maybe I can go home for Christmas this year after all. That would be wonderful. I hope things continue in this trend.

Well, I start my first official shift at my new job tomorrow, so I’ll let you know how that goes. Until then, it’s bed time for me. Bye.

Luv,

Jessica

Well, I had hoped that the weekend would prove to be better than the days before. I’ll admit that they weren’t as bad, but they were still bad. Friday I took my exam in the morning. I wasn’t prepared enough for it at all. I guessed on a lot of the questions. I am just not having the best semester. I don’t think I bombed it, but I didn’t do stellar, that’s for sure. I found out later that day that my piano midterm was next week. The guy who told me didn’t have time to tell me the details of what I needed to know for the test. So I was slightly out of luck there. That just ruined any possibility of relaxation over the weekend. I had to work Friday night. It was rather uneventful. One of the local high schools had it’s homecoming that night, so hardly anyone came to the movies. Made for a very slow night.

Saturday was easy at first. I slept late. Took the morning slow and had to work that night. It was busy. Unfortunately, I had to work with the new guy again. There’s nothing wrong with him, he just works slow. He’s new. That’s to be expected. The problem was that our manager is a jackass. He seems to be very unprofessional. He wreaks of booze and insults his employees in front of customers. Boy, was I happy to be there working that night…. I had to close the place too, which meant being there until almost one in the morning. The rest of my week was starting to weigh on me again, and I eventually had to hold back my emotions. I was still visibly upset, and my friend that I was working with started asking me stuff. I shared with her as much as I could about it, but as with most, she doesn’t understand. When I got off of work, I cried hard on my drive home. I drove slow to be safe. It was hard to see through the tears. I composed myself when I got home. My roommate got home at about the same time, and thankfully he had no idea I had been crying. I don’t like to show people my pain. I don’t know why. I guess I’m embarrassed to cry in front of people.

Sunday was terrible. I called my parents to talk. They were less than receptive. My mother started an argument. So we fought within a few minutes of being on the phone. She told me that they aren’t going to help me at all with paying for anything. I am currently approved for three more visits to my gender therapist. Once that is done, I wont be able to pay to go there anymore. That pretty much shuts the door to transitioning. I really don’t know what I’ll do. I’m hoping that they will reevaluate me and approve me for more. It’s a possibility.

That night, I started looking into other types of schooling. I need to look at all my options. With money being a big issue, I may have to take some time off, or at least drop to part time student. I’m going to have to work a lot more. I’ve been discussing my options with my best friend, and came up with a framework for me for the next year or so. Hopefully things will work out. I’m really on shaky ground right now. I could use some stability. I really hope that things will start looking up soon. I’m sick of being at the bottom.

Luv,

Jessica

Bear with me, this entry is going to be long. These past few days have been a rollercoaster for me. I’ve been trying to switch my major for a while now. I’ve been seeing advising to get an idea of what I should be heading towards with a major. I was pretty set on a Mass Communications: Electronic Media degree. However, I went in and talked to the head of the Mass Communications department, and she talked me out of it. Apparently that major here at my school sucks. It lacks focus and doesn’t prepare you for much. For being an electronic media major, there was little to do with electronic media at all. So, now I’m at a loss. I really enjoy that sort of thing. I do video work, sound work, and web design work on my own, and I really enjoy it. I was really thinking that’s the way to go. Now I’m faced with the choice of either picking something else, or switching schools. I have to decide soon too. I’m in my third year, and I need to focus in and choose a career. Otherwise, I’ll be a perpetual college student.

Well, that advising session was on Tuesday. Also on Tuesday was my job interview. That went really well. I got there early, and we started right away. It was a very personal atmosphere. I felt very comfortable with the management. She was very impressed with my application. She asked me a whole slew of questions, which I answered to the best of my ability. It was a long interview filled with a lot of talking. In the end, I felt as if I had made a new friend with the manager of the store. She was very comfortable with me being transgendered. In fact, she told me that if any customer gives me more crap than I can handle, all I have to do is let her know and that person will be banned from the store. That made me feel very welcome and protected. So, I got the job. Unfortunately, the management position had been filled a day or so earlier. So I wont get to be an assistant manager, but I will still work there. She told me she was going to put me in a position where I could move into a management spot easily. She wasn’t just saying that either. I feel I can genuinely trust her. So I am very happy about this job. Plus, it doesn’t look like there is much of a dress code, if it exists at all. That means I may be able to wear flare leg jeans and the like to work. Yay!

Tuesday night I had a massive inspiration to revamp the website design. So, that’s what I spent my evening doing. I really need to work on my studying skills, because lately I’ve been setting studying aside to do the things I actually enjoy. The good thing is that the things I enjoy are still very productive, like this website. The bad thing is, my grades could possibly suffer. Even as I write this right now, I am procrastinating. I am so bad. Here, I have a bad joke for you. I am going to make a list of the top ten reasons I procrastinate.

1.

……I’ll finish it later. (see I told you, bad joke)

So, Wednesday was a very interesting day. I had two important appointments. One was a laser hair removal consultation. The other was a gender therapy session. The laser session was first. I learned that it is going to cost me $425 each session to get my facial hair laser removed. I also learned about how much it’s going to hurt. They did a sample of the laser on my hair. She gave me two rubber balls to hold on to so I don’t punch her. I didn’t expect the pain to be as much as it was. It’s going to be hard for me to do the whole face, but I still want to do it. No pain, no gain. I may want to wait until I’m on hormones first. They say it’s easier then. Otherwise I could start now. I don’t know yet. I’m going to give it some thought.

The second appointment was three hours later. So, I had to sit around for a while. I ate dinner and relaxed. It was actually kind of nice aside from the snow. It was the first snow of the year. It was quite cold out. Oh, I forgot to mention. I wore my flare leg jeans, red girls Scooby-Doo t-shirt, and a black, hooded, zippered sweatshirt on top. I had pink hair clips in too. I was feeling really cute. Just before my session, some people were coming into the waiting area. They were all transgendered people about my age. I met some of them. They seemed really cool, but I didn’t have a lot of time to talk to them. They had to go into their group counseling session. So I waited until it was time for mine. A little while later it was my time, and it was good. We discussed starting hormones and set a time table for when I will aim for actually getting approved for them. We’re shooting for February. That’s really cool with me. It’ll be my birthday present. I have a few things I need to do before I’ll be eligible, but I can do it. I’m not worried.

After the session was over, I went out into the parking lot, and there were the people I met before the session. They were talking. I decided to go and say hi. We ended up talking for a long time. It was a really great experience for me. I’ve never met any transgendered people my age before. They all seemed really nice too. I gave them all cards, and I hope they e-mail me. I’d really like to get to know them better. I’m always looking for friends, especially really cool friends like them. They said they’d check out my site. So, with that….I hope you guys write me. hehe.

Today was the emotional day for me. It started with me finding out that I have an exam on Friday. I didn’t know about it because I missed that class on Wednesday. Way to go Jessica. I just hope I don’t fail it. After that, I received an e-mail from Lauren. It was a forward from a website about the recent final ruling of a court case involving transgender. The article made me upset. I was thinking about it for the next few hours. I was trying to think of something I could do to help with this, and maybe there is. I just feel so helpless. Discrimination just never ends. You’d think as a society we’d have learned from our past mistakes already, but no. So, I’m upset about that. I had to go drop something off, so as I’m walking back, I start thinking about how much the major change that I’m doing for school is frustrating me. I really have lost my direction. I am also frustrated with living this life. So that all compiled together really started to wear away my composure. I was feeling like I was going to cry. I ran into a friend on my way back home. She gave me a hug, and I came a thread away from losing it right there. I focused and got control back. I got myself home before letting go. When I finally finished crying, I decided I wanted to talk to someone. So I went online and started talking to a friend of mine about the whole thing. He sided with the court ruling. That really upset me again. I swore at him and disconnected. I felt bad about that right afterwards too. I grabbed my coat and decided to go for a walk. I was upset so I left in kind of a huff. In my hurry leaving, I left behind my keys. Unfortunately I had locked the door. So now I was locked out of my apartment.

So I walked to a friends apartment. No one was home though. So, feeling a bit cooled down, I called up the friend I swore at and apologized for swearing. We talked it over and I realized that I cut him off when I swore at him. He was about to say something that would have changed everything. He really does see my side on it. So I felt better then. By the time we finished on the phone, one of my friends came to the apartment and let me in. I ended up having to stay there for about 7 hours before I could get back into my place. It was really good though. They are such wonderful people in that apartment. I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Over that time though, I couldn’t study, do my homework, or anything else I had planned to do. So I guess I got screwed tonight, and it’s my own fault. What a crappy day. I really hope tomorrow turns out better. Speaking of tomorrow….I should really get working on my studying and homework. Otherwise I’ll be screwed even more. I can’t wait for the weekend. Until then, bye.

Luv,

Jessica

Today and yesterday were an interesting couple of days. I had a very relaxing Sunday afternoon followed by a night of working at my job. It wasn’t so bad at all. It was a slow night, so there was a lot of down time. Not too many people go to movies on a Sunday evening. I’d have to say the best part of the night was working with my new friend. She never questions me about why I look different. She doesn’t assume I’m gay, and she’s just a nice person. She’s very friendly. I wish more people were like her. When we left that night, we were talking about stuff. I said something about how I felt that people are afraid of me at my job, and they don’t talk to me. She seemed surprised by this and asked me why I would think that. I said that I look different and people think I’m gay. The guys probably think I’m going to hit on them. If they just asked they’d find out that I’m not gay, and I’m actually a nice person. She said that she didn’t think I was weird or scary, and even told me she thinks I look great. I thanked her and told her I’d write about her on my website. She got excited about that and asked about the site. So I gave her a card. I hope she gets to read this. That would make me smile.

Earlier on Sunday I had dropped off an application at a store in the mall called “Hot Topic.” They are a clothing store and they seem to hire a wide diversity of people. Now, I know I already have a job, but it just isn’t paying me enough….minimum wage. So I have to look for a second job. This seemed probably the best place. Their application said that they don’t discriminate based on anything. When I turned the application in, they got all excited and told me that they’d call me in a day. I took that as a good sign. Today while I was at class, they called me. I called back later when I was home, but the management had left already. I was kind of disappointed, but I could call again tomorrow. Thankfully I didn’t have to. About an hour later, they called again. The management had dropped in and was told that I called. I was very happy to hear from them. She was very animated on the phone and was very happy to interview me. So, hopefully things will go well tomorrow in the interview. Cross your fingers for me.

I had a dream I want to write about, but I think I’ll save it until next time. I’m just too tired right now. Jessica needs her beauty sleep. Good Night all.

Luv,

Jessica